I knew this day would come.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

My DH knows things about my previous relationships that are relevant to our shared life, and I know things about his that are. I’ve even met a couple of his exes who are still in our social circle. Past experiences make us who we are today. That said, past isn’t all there is to us. This is the question to ask yourself: why would you tell things to a new guy? If the ex left you with the kind of emotional tripwires the new guy should know about, then yes, that should be part of a conversation. You should certainly feel comfortable with, and open to, discussing any topic with someone you love. But if you’ve been with this new man for less than 4 months … I’m just not sure what you’d be gaining by telling him “BTW, I talked to my ex recently?”

Post # 3
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

Can you block him from your phone?  It doesn’t sound like you need to be in contact with him.  I might tell the current just because I would want to be able to share with him my struggles.  But I would also be taking action to try to stop it such as blocking him and telling him that I have moved on.

Post # 4
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I had a somewhat similar situation with the end of my previous relationship before meeting my FI.  My ex would continue to occasionally contact me, especially on holidays, for quite a while after we dated.  I never initiated contact with him but would try to text back something friendly since I didn’t want to “end things on a bad note.”  However, the sporadic texting from him continued after it was clear I was in a new relationship and even after it was all-over Facebook that we were engaged.  It felt like he was attempting to sabotage my happiness, because the texts always came on these important days when I would be spending time with FI and didn’t exactly want him to see my phone light up with messages from the ex.  I finally unfriended him, blocked his number on my phone, and created e-mail filters.  Even though he technically ended our relationship and we had been broken up for a year already when FI and I started dating, he just couldn’t let me go.  It drove me crazy because I kept wanting to confront him about all the emotionally abusive stuff he pulled while we were together that I hadn’t been honest with myself about when I was in it, but I knew it would just start an argument and it was no longer worth my energy.  I say block him.  I wouldn’t bother telling your new bf that he has been contacting you, but I think it would be a good idea to discuss your past relationships with him in the context of, “I have a difficult time trusting and this is why…”

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Anna113619:  Your story is exactly mine.  I am now marrying that “nice guy” in 2 months.

My advice?  Cut off all contact. That’s what I did with ease, no matter how much my ex persisted.  I still 4 years later get the occasional drunken text or fb message from him asking “how I’m doing”.  I resist the urge to say, “Fabulously, now that you’re no longer in my life!” but my silence speaks for itself. 

These people (our exes) are toxic.  Let them deal with themselves.  I would avoid mentioning anything to your current SO unless you deem it necessary.  The only time I mentioned it to my bf at the time was when my ex text me “happy new year” on January 3rd one year and I told my bf.  We got a good laugh out of it b/c he said, “He probably just woke up!”  

Less is more.  Cut off the dead limb.  Move on.  There is zero need for communication.  

Post # 6
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I had something similar happen when I first started dating my current SO. My ex was a real piece of work and when he found out I was dating my current SO he lost it, even though when we broke up he ignored me…actually it was more like he disappeared and I never heard from him for months..apparently he was in trouble and needed to work on himself blah blah blah.

 

Anyway…my ex sent me texts, called to say he was sorry and that I was his etc. and I was the bigger person, forgave him and told him I was happy now and that he should move on too. I told my current SO all of this because he dserved to know that my ex was trying to get back into my life and I declined. His response? He was happy I told him instead of keeping quiet. Honesty is key in a new relationship. 

Since this is a new relationship for you,  I would tell him about what is going on. If him contacting you is pretty recent I would tell the new guy. Nothing like a united front to shut an ex up and out of your life for good. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

Anna113619:  i think it should come up naturally when you discuss past relationships. I dont think it is something you should lay out on the table now – you guys dont need that baggage. Unless your ex refuses to quit contacting you, then you need to clue him in on the situation.

Good for you! I am super happy for you and proud of your response. Just remember, you said what you had to. There is no reason to reply anymore. He will most likely try to say very sweet things and then hurtful to try and get a reaction out of you. Just ignore him.

Post # 8
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Don’t talk to the ex again. Don’t talk to your new boyfriend about it.

Post # 9
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

first of all, cut off all contact with your ex. even when you’re just texting back to tell him you’ve forgiven him but that it’s over…stop that. you’re just keeping the door open for him to keep texting. so cut that out all together (and try to block his umber too. out of sight, out of mind; even if your phone carrier won’t do it you can dowload apps for it–i have one).

second, talk to your current SO about any of it that might be relevant to your relationship now. does he need to know that you’re currently blocking texts from your ex? nah, probably not. but you can sit down and talk with him and let him know that you really appreciate the wonderful man he is, and thank him in advance for his patience as you get used to being with someone as great as he is, due to your past experiences. then do your best to just enjoy and get used to being treated well by your current SO. i know it’s hard.

Post # 11
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Anna113619:  “…and just ignore him like he always would ignore me (when we were together)…” 

EXACTLY! 

My ex in the most DESPERATE attempt to get me back after I put up with his shit and mistreatment for years PROPOSED TO ME!!!!!!  I mean…what the actual fuck??!!  Best part?  I obviously said no and he insisted I keep the ring to so I eventually tried to to sell it.  IT WAS FAKE.  I wasn’t too surprised, but, yeah.  As if I needed another reason to never have contact with him again!!  

Post # 12
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Anna113619:  If you’re not going to contact him, what’s the point in not blocking him? Unless you feel like you have the extraordinary unwavering willpower to honestly not care about this dude texting you, then I’m not sure what the point is of keeping the lines open just in case.

Post # 13
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Old guy – do not speak to him via any channel.

New guy – the relationship is very young.  Live and enjoy your relationship in the present.  Further down the line, if it comes up, then you can disclose that you dated others in the past that you didn’t feel treated you appropriately, hence why you are no longer with them.  But not now, you’re going to muddy the waters when all you deserve to be focused on is getting to know and enjoying your time with new guy.

Post # 14
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

jamb: 

+1 No need to contact the old guy. He is being a typical abuser by begging for you to come back after the way he treated you. Abusers are always sweet and remorseful when you leave them.

I don’t see why you need to tell your new boyfriend about this. You aren’t speaking to your ex again so what is the point of telling your new man? I can certainly relate to feeling insecure after being in an abusive relationship but try to remind yourself of what you like about your new relationship. 

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