I know I probably sound selfish….

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
245 posts
Helper bee

You have to just come outright and ASK your sister why she can’t get a holiday for her sister’s wedding, but can get time off for a vacation with a guy she’s known for 6 months, it’s selfish and if she can’t see that then she has issues.

Post # 3
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MissPhish:  You are hurt, and rightfully so.  It sounds like thru a lot of your life, you have put yourself second in a lot of situations, making your sister the first priority.  Now, in your life, you have something AMAZING and wonderful happening, and want to be a first priority for your sister, and she is not making you one.

You cannot control her becoming to engaged to this man, because she will do what she wants.  You may not be able to control her attendance in this very important occassion for you, but I do not think there is any harm in making your feelings a priority right now, and telling her how you feel about her lack of support at this moment.  

Good luck, and hang in there!!

Post # 4
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

MissPhish:  Never apologize for how you feel — EVER!!! 

I can totally see where you’re coming from.  You’ve really gone out of your way for your family your whole life and taken a back seat in some situations, and you’re completely validated for wanting this time to be about you!  And I agree, 6 months in that situation is hardly a deterimining factor for a life together b/c it’s like you’re on a constant vacation, to a point.  

I unfortunately don’t really have any advice to offer other than don’t feel badly putting yourself first for once.    

Post # 8
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You might just need to forgive her. It sounds like she is wrapped up in her new man. If she’s early twenties or this is her first serious relationship, she might be a bit nearsighted at the moment when it comes to the various relationships in her life.

Post # 9
7191 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

The only thing to be upset about in this situation is that she is going to miss your wedding and is coming out for vacation in July. The rest is irrelevant.

Post # 10
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You really cannot control whom your sister dates or marries and when she chooses to do so, so I would let that bitterness go. However, your sister is being very selfish by prioritizing a vaca over upholding her promise to stand up next to you on your big day. Don’t indulge her selfishness and let her know that you’re hurt. Hopefully she’ll come around in time.

Post # 12
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

MissPhish:  I have friends who have done the english language teaching thing and the contracts can be very air tight and the cultures that the person is teaching in can also have different rules around demanding vacation days. I think you need to let it go. Sure it is disappointing but real life sometimes gets in the way of things.

And you already know you are being petty about her getting engaged so I think you are punishing yourself enough on that already. 

Post # 13
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

j_jaye:  This is true about the contracts. I know I wouldn’t be able to get any time off in the fall, but I’d easily be able to in July. 

Post # 14
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MissPhish: Teaching English abroad is very very touch and go. You plan vacation around classes and time off is not in the vocabulary. The only time we got off when we were teaching was to do a visa run for a day. 

Also, being in a foreign country for a short time can test partnership in a way that being home with support cannot. You learn quickly who is there for you, who steps up for you and if people are selfish or giving. You are constantly faced with challenges that you just don’t have while you’re home. 

You sound like a great big sister, but your sister is an adult and can make her own choices. She still loves you, even though she’s busy living her own life. 

Post # 15
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

MissPhish:  I don’t know where your sister is teaching, but if it’s anything like Japan it will definitely be hard for her to get time off.  In Japan typically the first term is April-July, then summer break, and second term is September-end of December.  A lot of the programs to teach English as a second language can be very competitive so she might be risking her job if she leaves at a critical time.  

If I’m being honest I think it was selfish of you to beg her to put her future on hold because you knew you were going to be proposed to.  Was she supposed to put her life on hold for a year? And in regards to her engagement-she’s in a foreign country and probably doesn’t know many peope there, therefore she probably spends a ton of time with this guy.  That would naturally make their relationship progress faster than yours did since you were only seeing your FI on the weekends at that point.  Yes, 6 months may seem fast, but everyone’s relationship moves at a different pace. Just try to be happy that she is in love.  

I know that it totally sucks that she might not be there on your day, but she is living her own life and you can’t really fault her for that.    

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