Post # 1
Most of my life has revolved around my little sister. My mom started doing drugs shortly after she was born and I had to help take care of her. Once my mom went to prison and it was just me, her, and my Dad my responsibility increased even more. Through all of my dad’s girlfriends and even one awful wife we were a team and got through it all together. When people made fun of me for being over weight she out them in their place, when she had an eatin disorder I took him from my dad’s house and brought her back with the demands that he get her help or she wasn’t staying. Last November she went abroad the teach English as a second language. I begged her not to go because I knew Mr. Phish would be proposing soon and we would get married this coming Fall. She assure me she would be able to come home.
Fast forward to now and she says she can’t take a vacation then (even though I tied to plan my wedding around when she could, but she couldn’t give me any definitive answers). She says her job just won’t allow it and their is no point in asking. In January she started dating a guy over there (he is from the US though) and they are planning a vacation in July, and she keeps telling me she WILL get it off from work no matter how hard she has to fight her employer. I have not gotten any such conviction about trying to get my wedding off. She was supposed to be my maid of honor!
To make matters worse she told me he has been asking her about rings (at just over five months) and that the other day he purchased one. (This is where I start to sound petty, and I know it, but I can’t change how I feel) I just can’t help but think : A) 6 months with someone you only see on weekend is not a reasonablle amount of time to decide you want to marry them, expecially in an isolated foreign country away from any resemblance of your real life and B) selfishly, that her getting engaged while over seas two months before my wedding is going to take all of the attention off me. Now usually I’m not someone who likes attention, but I’ve always been kind of the failure of the two of us, flunking out of college, being overweight and never having boyfriends (or only having shitty ones) and I finally got my life together. I finished school with my last semester GPA being a 4.0 and Ive found an amazing man who is kind, intelligent, and love me! My family loves him and loves us together.
I know how petty it sounds, but I already have to listen to their constant questions about whether she is coming back for the wedding and deliver my embarrassed answer that my sister, best friend, and supposed to be Maid of Honor has brokeNo her huge promise to me that she would come home. (Note: We are NOT the kind of sisters who ever miss important things in each other’s lives). Now I worry if she gets engaged (which she seems very convinced she will by next month) that the next two months and my wedding day will be everyone talking (good and bad) about her getting married.
Plus there is the fact that I still think if they love each other there is no reason they can’t wait until they are back home and have known each other at least over a year!
I guess I’m just ranting and feeling a little selfish…
Post # 2
You have to just come outright and ASK your sister why she can’t get a holiday for her sister’s wedding, but can get time off for a vacation with a guy she’s known for 6 months, it’s selfish and if she can’t see that then she has issues.
Post # 3
MissPhish: You are hurt, and rightfully so. It sounds like thru a lot of your life, you have put yourself second in a lot of situations, making your sister the first priority. Now, in your life, you have something AMAZING and wonderful happening, and want to be a first priority for your sister, and she is not making you one.
You cannot control her becoming to engaged to this man, because she will do what she wants. You may not be able to control her attendance in this very important occassion for you, but I do not think there is any harm in making your feelings a priority right now, and telling her how you feel about her lack of support at this moment.
Good luck, and hang in there!!
Post # 4
LudaRae: I have and she just yelled at me and said she already told me. It’s to the point where Im just so disappointed I don’t even want to bother. I’ve tried and tried to convince her and ask her to take time off or leave the job early (which she promised me she’d do if she didn’t get time off). What’s even more depressing is my whole family seems to think it’s okay she misses the wedding, it’s my friends who are outraged.
Post # 4
MissPhish: Never apologize for how you feel — EVER!!!
I can totally see where you’re coming from. You’ve really gone out of your way for your family your whole life and taken a back seat in some situations, and you’re completely validated for wanting this time to be about you! And I agree, 6 months in that situation is hardly a deterimining factor for a life together b/c it’s like you’re on a constant vacation, to a point.
I unfortunately don’t really have any advice to offer other than don’t feel badly putting yourself first for once.
Post # 6
BurlapnLace: thanks, the big sister side of me worries they are both being crazy. He just spent over $1k (not sure how much exactly) on an engagement ring for a girl he’s known such a short time and that seems crazy to me. At six months my FI and I were still only seeing each other on weekends and would never have dreamed of getting married yet. Sure we were starting to fall in love, but were perfectly content with waiting. Now we both agree that the biggest contributing factor to making our relationship work was taking things slow! Also part of me just doesn’t like her getting engaged to someone none of us have met.
Post # 7
OUgal0004: thanks. And it absolutely know I can’t control her getting engaged, which is why I haven’t voiced any of my concerns, I know it will just cause problems. It still is a concern though. Both because I worry about her and because honestly it is just another thing to kind of be not about me when my big day comes.
FOR THE RECORD: I should have specified the selfish reason of “having my thunder stolen” is really very secondary to my concern for her rushing into things, and would never begrudge her or anyone their happiness to keep attention on me. It just does suck the timing is all.
Post # 8
You might just need to forgive her. It sounds like she is wrapped up in her new man. If she’s early twenties or this is her first serious relationship, she might be a bit nearsighted at the moment when it comes to the various relationships in her life.
Post # 9
The only thing to be upset about in this situation is that she is going to miss your wedding and is coming out for vacation in July. The rest is irrelevant.
Post # 10
You really cannot control whom your sister dates or marries and when she chooses to do so, so I would let that bitterness go. However, your sister is being very selfish by prioritizing a vaca over upholding her promise to stand up next to you on your big day. Don’t indulge her selfishness and let her know that you’re hurt. Hopefully she’ll come around in time.
Post # 11
THANK YOU ALL! I just talked to her, and I feel a lot better about her trying harder to make it and about her getting engaged too! It was so weird to not see their relationship and understand it being so quick, but having her talk about it makes it make more sense. I guess I just needed a push to confront her about it all, which you guys have me. Also feeling better about her getting engaged makes me feel happy for her instead of worried she is rushing into things, which makes the whole selfish part about not wanting it to take away from my special time seem selfish and silly!
Post # 12
MissPhish: I have friends who have done the english language teaching thing and the contracts can be very air tight and the cultures that the person is teaching in can also have different rules around demanding vacation days. I think you need to let it go. Sure it is disappointing but real life sometimes gets in the way of things.
And you already know you are being petty about her getting engaged so I think you are punishing yourself enough on that already.
Post # 13
j_jaye: This is true about the contracts. I know I wouldn’t be able to get any time off in the fall, but I’d easily be able to in July.
Post # 14
MissPhish: Teaching English abroad is very very touch and go. You plan vacation around classes and time off is not in the vocabulary. The only time we got off when we were teaching was to do a visa run for a day.
Also, being in a foreign country for a short time can test partnership in a way that being home with support cannot. You learn quickly who is there for you, who steps up for you and if people are selfish or giving. You are constantly faced with challenges that you just don’t have while you’re home.
You sound like a great big sister, but your sister is an adult and can make her own choices. She still loves you, even though she’s busy living her own life.
Post # 15
MissPhish: I don’t know where your sister is teaching, but if it’s anything like Japan it will definitely be hard for her to get time off. In Japan typically the first term is April-July, then summer break, and second term is September-end of December. A lot of the programs to teach English as a second language can be very competitive so she might be risking her job if she leaves at a critical time.
If I’m being honest I think it was selfish of you to beg her to put her future on hold because you knew you were going to be proposed to. Was she supposed to put her life on hold for a year? And in regards to her engagement-she’s in a foreign country and probably doesn’t know many peope there, therefore she probably spends a ton of time with this guy. That would naturally make their relationship progress faster than yours did since you were only seeing your FI on the weekends at that point. Yes, 6 months may seem fast, but everyone’s relationship moves at a different pace. Just try to be happy that she is in love.
I know that it totally sucks that she might not be there on your day, but she is living her own life and you can’t really fault her for that.