(Closed) I know I’m being petty.. [long bridezillay rant]

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Um, yeah.  It sounds like your life has been some form of competition with this girl for a while, and it’s probably about time you outgrew that form of "friendship."  I doubt that her marriage has anything to do with you.  Possibly none of her life decisions have anything to do with you.  She certainly didn’t head right out once she heard you were engaged and find some random guy to marry just to one-up you.  Since you say she is your friend, it would be nice if you could be happy for her, rather than just thinking of all the ways her good fortune sucks for you. 

It sounds like you’ve made some decisions about your wedding already, including having some type of destination event – I’m sure there were reasons for that, and that you realized when you made the decision that your guest list would end up being smaller.  So how is it now tragic that more people will be able to come to a local wedding, just because that wedding is hers?  If that’s a big thing to you, then you should consider changing your location.

But seriously,  your wedding is not some kind of competition, unless YOU want to make it one.  Theoretically you are marrying a man you love, with your family and closest friends happily involved and excited for you.  How does that suck at all?  Try to concentrate on your own happiness.  Trust me, if you go through your life comparing what you have to what everybody else has, and if your happiness always depends on being first or better or having more, you are going to come up short more often than not.  There is always going to be some girl with better clothes, a newer car, a bigger house, a better job, a richer or more handsome or more considerate husband, more money, smarter kids…  you see what I’m saying?  Happiness is what you make of it.  Your happiness should be self-contained, not comparative.   If your life only doesn’t suck when you’re more fortunate than your friends…  well – I wouldn’t want to be one of your friends.

Post # 5
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, that will make anybody hysterically cranky.  Both the lack of sleep and the shock of living with parents again.  And of course, there are people whose lives just seem annoyingly charmed.  Usually, they are also the people who are secretly binging and purging, or whose husbands turn out to be compulsive gamblers, or something like that. 

I am good friends now with a girl who was a cheerleader at our high school (I was a band geek) and she says she always kind of envied us because we looked like we were having so much fun, and we didn’t seem to care what anybody thought.  So the thing is, the grass is never really as green as it looks.  (Plus the really handsome quarterback she married turned out to be secretly gay.  Oops.) 

And you have all kinds of fabulousness ahead of you!  Sleep late tomorrow and think good thoughts.  Because your FI loves you lots and lots, and your wedding is going to rock, and you will actually be too busy getting ready to really care whether you have the time or money to go to anybody else’s wedding.  And believe me, when you are standing at the altar looking into his eyes, you’re not going to be thinking about who couldn’t or didn’t make it to your wedding.  Not one bit!

Post # 6
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I can related to how you are feeling SO MUCH.  My Fiance and I got engaged in December after dating for almost four years and living together for three.  My Fiance’s brother started seeing someone we know from college last Feb., after ending a ten year long distance relationship in which he was practically engaged. A WEEK after we got engaged his brother proposed and is now engaged and getting married 2 months before us!  There is nothing any one can do or say now, but I know how it hurts to feel like you waited for something so amazing and special to happen and then just like that people who are supposed to be the closest to you do something so shocking.  I’m still trying to get through this and just focus on our time which is already going so fast and the fact that I’m even sitting here wasting time talking about it angers me, but talking about it with all of you is a step in getting through it.  All it comes down to is that you are going to have an amazing wedding and try to only focus on the love and happiness you have in your life.  

Post # 7
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

I can relate, but not in the same exact situation….

My FIL and MIL have been divorced for many years…. DH and I were together for 5 years before he proposed and got married exactly 6 1/2 years after we started dating… our moment to shine.  

Well, in Nov 2005, FIL meets a woman on an online dating site…they start dating and in March 2006 announce their engagement, but FIL promised his son he would not get married before us.  Well, our wedding took place 6.17.06 and they got married 4.29.06, because she didn’t want to meet the family for the first time as the "Other Woman", she wanted the Title of Wife…  my husband is still livid to this day that his dad could not let him enjoy his day, everyone was congratulating us and them at our wedding… kinda tacky, especially for only knowing each other 7mos at that time, and it being my husband’s father…

 

I hope you can get past this, but I can understand how you would feel overshadowed… 

Post # 8
Member
7 posts
Newbee

::deep breaths::  No worries!  As I always say (especially when it comes to weddings), better to vent a little now than let it fester later.  If nothing else, remember Meg Ryan’s character in French Kiss mantra:  Fester and rot, fester and rot.

As for your current issue:  you’re totally allowed to react to this, because it’s a serious shock!  And it’s better to address it straight away than pretend that it’s fine and get resentful later.  Yes, it’s a bummer that hers is before yours–but try to focus on the more positive aspects of it–you’ll be able to see what goes well and what doesn’t and you can adjust accordingly.  And as other posters mentioned, it’s not a competition!  Try to focus on the positives–you can plan together, and B&M together, and vent together!  You’ll both be more sane for it now, and it may help you come together, so…bonus.  Just try to maintain positivity because if you don’t no one will, and that will just make things worse.  Yeah, it stinks that her super-short relationship is getting more "attention" but you know what?  Your real friends will still be there for you (and if they can’t, they will be able to tell you why) and all will work out in the end.  As my mom is wont to say, it always does.  🙂

Also, if you need to vent about living at home again, well, feel free to send me a PM.  I lived at home for 18 months post gradutation (while in the midst of a long term relationship) so I totally know where you’re coming from! 

Post # 9
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sounds like a lot of people have these stories!!

What do you think about this?

My FI’s twin and his girl are now in competition with us for a wedding date. We are extremely happy with our date, and will not let anything else ruin it.

You would be so much happier and less stressed if you just focus on how wonderful your wedding is going to be. It seems that there will always be family and friends before and after us, and as much as we want to, we just can’t help it.

Take all of the energy and channel it into making your relationship, engagement, and wedding beautiful, happy, and the blessing that it truely is.

I learned in one of my education classes that we are never supposed to measure students up against their classmates, only themselves. Never measure your worth on someone else’s ruler.  

Post # 11
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I could relate.  I have been dating my fiance for 8 years, we have 1 child and are planning another after we get married.  My nephew has been dating a girl for 5 months, and are getting married 1 month after me. No plans for kids.

Why can’t they wait till next year?  I have family that can’t travel across the country twice a year, so they are picking his wedding over mine because it is in the summer and they are going to the beach together.  His mother is my MOH which makes the whole thing that much more intertwined.  People now have to choose between weddings, and everything is being compared to each other. I hear "oh, I liked your shower better than hers", "Her tiarra is fancier than yours", and my MOH is offering a family heirloom bracelet for her to wear, 1 month after I will be wearing it.

Uggh, I know, very bridezilla, but I can’t help it.

Post # 12
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

 i can relate too! my moh got married 2 years ago and there was so much hoopla over her engagement and leading to her wedding, it was so annoying!  they were only dating 2 yrs and i been with mine for over 10 years i was a little bitter that she was engaged and getting married before i was. now that i’m getting married & planning my wedding, it still bothered me on how my relatives & others were so excited about her wedding & they used to bug me about me when I will get married.. etc… BUT when it finally happens that we’re getting married, no seemed to care or show any excitement.  it really hit me too when i had my bridal shower, don’t get me wrong it turned out really beautiful and loved it, however none of my relatives came to my shower at all!!! so i was disappointed about that. what’s ironic, we were both MOHs to each others weddings and we never talk about it. yeah i don’t mean to be a bridezilla either but it’s bothersome when your own family doesn’t show any excitement for you but they do for someone else. ah well! can’t win them all… at least my FI and I know we are happy we took our time & that petty things like this will not ruin our wedding day. i guess we just have to learn to let go and be thankful. =)

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I can totally relate to how you’re feeling, and I think it’s brave of you to be honest about it.  I’m in a somewhat similar situation and tried to ask for advice about it on another wedding board and basically got yelled at over the internet by some really mean people.

 I find that just telling your feelings to go away NEVER makes them go away.  However, once you’re honest about what’s happening, then you can give yourself the space to let go.

Post # 14
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

This actually channels something that I have had my own guilt about.

Tell me, would you girls be bothered (by me) in this situation: My cousin has been dating the same person for 10 years, and 2 years ago they announced their engagement. During their relationship, I meet a guy, we date for 4 years and get engaged 1 year after my cousin announces their engagement.

After I got engaged, one of my first thoughts was to not infringe on their day to shine, but waiting until after their wedding to have mine meant that I had to have a 2-year engagement. (I am not into such long engagements. I believe (for my own situation) that you should get engaged when you are ready to marry–and we are ready to marry! I also think the idea of extending the wedding planning period to 2 years sounds horrendous! My FH and I also just want to move on with our own lives!)

So, I decided to have the engagement length I felt was appropriate (about 9 months–plenty of time to plan), and so I am getting married 2 months before them.

I am also closer and more verbal with my extended family than my cousin, and so planning my wedding has been more of a family affair. As far as I know there are no hard feelings between us and no one is "comparing"—but my FH and I are also not very close with this couple. Am I the bad guy?

Post # 15
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hi!  First off CONGRATULATIONS on your upcoming wedding. 

I think it’s a blessing in disguise because she had her wedding before yours.  Why?  So you can see what you would like to do better at yours to top hers…  I know it sounds petty of you, but it just seems like she’s been trying to be better than you all your life (even though it sounds like a lot of times, she does not mean to).

But come on!  She barely knows this guys after 5 months and they’re getting married?!!  Now she is purposely trying to win you at something that you didn’t even know you were competing!

Go to her wedding, take mental notes and have an even better wedding.  Keep up updated! I would really love to hear how it all went!

Post # 16
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It’s not the same situation, but I know how it feels to want to have the spotlight for a while.

We got engaged in December, just three days before Christmas. We barely had a chance to announce our engagement before my cousin got engaged on Christmas Day! LoL And her family was in the process of planning her brother’s wedding, which just took place on May 3. It was also the first time everyone in the family had the chance to meet his FI, so she was all the buzz on Christmas.

So how about that for getting burried in EVERYONE’S wedding bliss? I’m not resentful though. Our date is set in stone, and my aunt said that it will be a while before they will start planning my cousin’s wedding. Regardless, we’ll probably both be married by the end of next year and I couldn’t be more excited! Planning a wedding and going to other weddings just gives you a chance to celebrate your happiness even more, even if the celebration takes place just between you and your FI or even just within yourself. So sit back and enjoy the ride. It only happens like this just once.

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