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Odd behavior for sure. Usually I'd say that we have to realize that nobody will be as excited about our weddings as we are, but this does seem abnormal.
Did you ASK any of them to go with you for your dress, hari trial etc? They may each be waiting for you to ask. IF none of them have been designated as bridesmaids, they are not going to impose themselves onto you, you need to do the asking. Maybe they are feeling left out a little, or don't want to assume they are wanted for anything?
I'm sorry to hear that. I know a lot of people on the 'bee have said something to the effect of "no one will be as excited as you are". But I think they should be! I'm in a similar situation and I know how much it hurts. I don't have any constructive advice but I just wanted to say hang in there :)
@menobride:No bridesmaids. Destination wedding for just the 2 of us on a Private island in Jamaica in June. I did ask about the fittings and trials. Everyone said they were busy. I don't many friends, just a few. I wanted to get together for dinner or drinks when I first got engaged just to show them my ring and start the wedding talk. That was the 1st flop and it's been that kinda stuff every since. Yeah, it's not normal. It's sad and it hurts.
@youhavemyheart:Thanks. Kinda makes sense to not have any advice. I guess it just is what it is...
I feel your pain. I'm the last to get married in my group of mid/late 20's gals. They're all divorced, some with kids. They say "yeah, I'm over the marriage thing" and although my friend is 27 she felt the need to say "I'm over the kids and marriage at 21 thing"...honey, we're closer to 30 *roll eyes*
It's so damn frustrating that I took my time dating, am in a proper (as opposed to my "friends", not others who date less time) relationship and am thrilled...yet few people share my excitement because of their sour experiences from stupid choices made at 18/19.
If they aren't going to be invited to the wedding then they prob don't feel like doing all the things they would if they were part of it. I would feel that way like why waste my time on you and I'm not even going to be part of your day. You made the desision to have a very private ceremony so you're going to have a very private preparation too. Sorry, that's how I'd feel.
@Atalanta: I guess I really disagree. If they are her friends, they should respect her choice for a private ceremony if that is what she wants, and still be willing to help her if she asks. I think it would be very immature to put a stipulation on helping a friend. "I'll only help you if I'm invited" just doesn't work for me if it's a true friend. They should still be excited for her. I've had people offer to help me that know they aren't invited to the wedding since only family is. People should always be willing to help friends out. It's immature to not help just because the invite is not happening.
@Atalanta:Not invited=not being excited or happy for your friend. That's an interesting take. And that thought ran across my mind too. I'm guess I'm a little different. I would still be happy for my friend. These are friends...not co-workers, not neighbors, not business partners. A friend of mine had a small wedding out of the country and she didn't invite several of us to but I was still happy for her. I was happy she found a good guy and still listened when she talked about her wedding. She still had a dress to buy and we went with her to that. It is an interesting take though. I'm sure not everyone feels the same way as I do.
I don't know if your friends are happy for you or not. I wasn't implying not being happy for someone. Of course I'm happy for friends and even strangers when they have something good like a wedding happen in their life. But when it comes to spending time out of my buisy schedual to help pick out makeup they are going to wear to an event I'm not going to be at, then I'd say no. I'd feel awkward, like "you care enough about my opinion on how you will look but then don't want me to see you.
Everyone's different, but I wouldn't ask people I am not inviting to help, I don't think its fair.
If they aren't bridesmaids, they won't know that they should be planning showers and bachelorettes. If they aren't invited, they don't know that they should be involved in the picking of dresses and other details. And if they were involved in your first wedding, of course the interest will be less the second time around. It all makes a lot of sense to me. You could always try the old standby: actually communicating with them about how you are feeling. You'd be surprised how far that will get you...
So sorry to hear that. Sometimes I feel that way too. Maybe you could bring it up to them. I'm sure they don't want you to be feeling this way and they would probably make more of an effort.
A few thoughts come to mind. One, I would def talk to my friends. Perhaps you feel you shouldn't "have to" because they should have just stepped up to the plate but clearly since that's not happening communicate with them. Maybe they are so into their own lives they don't realize they are not being supportive. Perhaps they assume your next or other friend will go with you to pick a dress, dj, or whatever and that's covered. Two, when I wanted my friend to go with me dress shopping I gave her a couple dates when I was available to find out when was best for her. I'm not sure how you've approached your friends but remember they probably have alot going on in their own lives too and if you come at them from an understanding and flexible point of you they may be more likely to want to support you in whatever you need. Also be sure when you talk to them the only thing you're not discussing is your wedding. They may need your support also as their friend they had pre-engagement. In addition, if my friend was having a wedding with just she and her FI, I wouldn't know what role to take. I think if you give your friends as much notice as possible and ask when it's convinent for them to go to try on dresses or help with a,b, or c they may be more inclined to do so. Just my two cents.
How are they when you're talking to them about non-wedding stuff? I'm guessing that they might be very hurt that you're essentially excluding them from your wedding, and they might want to have nothing to do with it. I'm not saying that's the correct or the most mature response, but sometimes we're not always rational when our feelings are hurt.
Maybe you should talk to them and see if that's what's bothering them? If it is, I would go over your reasons for wanting to have a private ceremony with them, and see if they can see it from your point of view. They might not understand why you would want to exclude them and your families from your wedding, and knowing your reasons will probably help them a ton.
As for the preparations, I assume they're for the pre-wedding send off? Maybe you should give them a special role in that so that they know they're supposed to be involved. If I wasn't in someone's wedding party, I probably wouldn't be thinking about planning things for them, either. I think setting them apart at the pre-wedding party will go a long way towards getting them more involved. I'm sorry you're hurting, I hope things work out for you!
Well, if I wasn't a bridesmaid or moh, I wouldn't plan a bachelorette party or shower. It's just because that is who throws it, so even if I didn't know who or if anyone was gong to be the moh or bms, I wouldn't think to throw it if I weren't in the bridal party! So I think its fine to say 'hey guys, I'm going to have a bach party - want to come and help me plan it?' That's fine! Also, let your Mom or sis or someone know you would like a shower and let them gather with the appropriate people.
Listen, if your friends think that being happy for you, planning with you or listening to planning is directly linked to them coming to your bride and groom only wedding ceremon (RUDE friends!) then just drop them! Who thinks like that? 'Well, no one else is coming to their private ceremony but I'M special and if I dont' get to see them whisper very private, initmate vows to each other that they aren't comfortable sharing with others, then I'm NOT going with her to look at gowns' - really??!? That's a disgusting attitude and I can guarantee that no one worth an invite would act like/feel like that. I mean, ceremonies mean different things to different folks and you shouldn't have to worry that you haven't met someone's criteria for levels of exciement. That's nuts.
However, if you think you really need their support, let them know! Say 'oh man, I really want you to help me find a gown - when are you free, we'll get lunch afterwards' or something and go! Plus, its only been two months - don't go getting hair and makeup done one year before your wedding - give things time to sink in. Plus, make sure you aren't only talking about the wedding - that's annoying for even the most interested friend!! :P
Great expressions from everyone. Thanks. Yes, I've asked them. I know the original post is long, so you may have missed it. The wedding is for 2 people, me and my intended in a destination style. It's not here at home or here in the US. So I don't feel like I'm "excluding" them as bridesmaids, we aren't having any. I'm not "excluding" them as guests, we aren't having any. We are, however, having a pre wedding send off party. So if their reasoning for not wanting to listen or to help is bc I haven't invited them to the destination, bride and groom wedding, why not be excited about the send off? But I get what you guys are saying.
My mom isn't here. She passed 4 yrs ago.
What I'm getting from most is that bc the wedding is a destination one for only the 2 of us, and bc they aren't going to be bridesmaids or MOH in the wedding, I should not expect my friends to take me up on any offers in pre-wedding planning and girlie stuff. That's interesting. But I'm glad I posted this to get some different angles on opinions. Great expressions!
@katieebee: My mom also passed away (5 and a half yrs ago). I can understand especially why having them during this process with you is so important. I totally feel the same way with my friends. I can imagine how lonely it is without your mom or your friends being there for such an exciting time in your life. Even though you have your FI, of course you want people in your life to be excited for you. I wish you the best!
Just wanted to add one thing. I am under the impression that batchelorette parties and mainly showers are only attended by guests of the wedding. Is this not true? I donno, I'd like some opinions here.
To me it seems logical that you wouldn't have these things if you are having no guests. It may seem that you are just fishing for presents if you have a shower.
I was also wondering if you plan on celebrating with your friends and having a small reception with them when you return as a married couple?
In light of your newest post I would say then that its perfectly fine to tell them you would love a shower or bach party (I think in this instance you'd have to kick in on the cost, but so what?) since there aren't any typical roles being filled. I'm planning on not having a ceremony to have guests at either, so we're in the same thought boat :)
Seriously, though - I know you invited them to a few things but I think because of the lack of traditional roles with designated duties you are just going to have to be a little more bold with this one. I'm so sorry about your Mom - do you have a sis/best friend that you can tell you would like these things and you'd like her to kind of head the planning?
I think because you are having a destination wedding with no guests is why they arent having any reactions. I wouldn't throw my friend a bachlorette or a bridal shower if I wasn't attending the wedding. I think it's rude that you're expecting it. If you wanted something intimate, then own it and don't expect anything else.
What is the fascination with being invited to someone's ceremony with there are no other guests going? I mean, are you only happy for them getting married and only want to celebrate with them if you get to go? That's not what a friend does, imo. If I was celebrating a bday with my bf in Paris and you weren't invited because clearly its a trip for two people would you then stomp your feet and refuse to send me a bday card because you didn't get invited to Paris? I just don't get this line of thinking.
If someone I considered a friend is getting married I would not hinge my happiness or willingness to take them out for a bach party on whether or not I got an invite. Jeez. It boils down to this, for me. Am I happy for my friend getting married? Do I want to take her out on the town and celebrate with her? Can I do anything to make her upcoming wedding any more special? THOSE are the things that go through my head - not 'oh, I better get an invite! If I don't get invited then I refuse to go with her to look at anything wedding related or celebrate the wedding at all' That attitude is not one that a true friend would have, imo.
i didnt read all the replies, but it seems that mostly people are saying that your friends are likely not getting excited because they are invited to the wedding. and i kind of think that might be the case too. however, i don't think they are doing it to be mean or because they are resentful about not being invited. rather, i think its because they might interpret your 2 person wedding as something you WANT to do by yourself. and therefore you don't want their involvement. i think if my friend announced that she was having a 2 person wedding, i might assume that she would want to do everything on her own.
EDIT: of course, if it was me, then i would probably still ask if they needed help with anything and i might even organize some little shower/bachelorette...but i might try to find out first if she even wanted, because like i said, in this i wouldn't be sure that she did!
It also might be that your wedding is still pretty far away (at least, in the minds of your friends.) So perhaps as the day gets closer, talk of bachelorette and shower will start to pop up...
I am really sorry tho, that's not a good way to feel during what is supposed to be such a happy time in your life...It can be really frustrating when your friends don't react the way you'd expect and upsetting when you feel like you value the relationship more than your friends do...Hugs!
@luckyprincess: I am not saying that they shouldn't be happy for her, of course they should be, but to expect to have a bunch of traditional parties, when you're having a very untraditional wedding. Honestly, my friends and I at this point don't send each other birthay cards. We might go out to dinner, but that's it. No gift exchanging or card exchanging. If there was no dinner planned, there would just be a happy birthday fb post.
Normally I would be 'siding' with the bride here and wondering what kind of friends she's got not showing any interest in the wedding. But if there are going to be no guests, perhaps they feel a bit hurt and set aside? Maybe they're thinking, "if the bride and groom are choosing to keep everything to themselves they don't want any involvement from us". I'm not saying that's the case, I'm just saying that maybe there are some hurt feelings on their side too. Are you guys going to have a reception after the wedding in your home town? Maybe it'll be easier for them to relate to that and get involved.
@katieebee: I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I too am an encore bride. My first wedding I had so many bridesmaids I don't even remember them all, but truly only 1 was REALLY there for me. Honestly I think a few of the others were jealous. But that's ok, I think that we all deal with jealousy at some point not only during our lives, but especially during the wedding planning process. Needless to say, this time around, the list of bm's is much shorter, and of those that were in my first mistake (um, wedding), only 2 of those have made the cut. 1 is my cousin, and 1 is the one who really was my best help. The other 2 are FI's sisters.
Just be as happy as you can, because really it's about YOU and your future husband. Who cares what others think and if they aren't asking you about your wedding. I know it's hard, but at least you are finding out their true feelings or their true colors. Focus on what's important, which is the wonderful marriage you are about to enter into and ignore everything else. Best of luck to you!
@Atalanta:Yes ma'am. We are having a pre wedding send off party for our closest friends and family. No, I'm not fishing for gifts. I've lived on my own for quite sometime, they don't have to bring gifts. I think I have a pretty good grip on your opinion. Thanks for the insight!
@cosmocity:To me that's ridiculous that your friends are acting that way. I just think people just aren't GENUINELY happy for each other anymore. No matter where a person is in their particular lives, if they are close enough friends with you, they should be happy for you. Bottom line. It's sooo interesting to me that ppl feel the opposite or don't understand that. You are right, that is frustrating...
@stressedbride2be:Sorry about your mom. I know it's hard. And yes, it's very lonely not having her or the others. Thanks for the sentiments, and I return them to you. (SN: what are you doing for her in your wedding? We should bounce ideas off each other on that...)
dont flame me for this, but i kinda would react similarly as your friends. again, dont be hurt by my opinion. i love all of my close friends dearly, but i just wouldnt be super jazzed to do all types of planning for a wedding im not invited to. plus, i definitely wouldnt plan a shower or bach party for 1. encore wedding 2. not invited. if you just want everyone to get together for drinks and dinner, thats reasonable. but to plan a whole bridal shower?
i dont think this makes them bad friends. are they there for you in other ways, or have they dropped off the face of the earth since you announced your engagement. i think you are just looking for them to show some enthusiasm, which makes sense. i am happy for friends that get married, even when im not invited to the wedding. but it just seems like a lot to expect a shower and bachelorette party. if you planned something yourself, im sure they would all come and celebrate.
I don't get not giving a shower for someone that has been married before. I married before, too young, and have nothing that I had from my marriage. Nothing at all. So why in the world would I not want a bridal shower? It's supposed to get the couple getting married ready to be married. Why would the fact that one of them were married before and are either widowed or divorced mean that they shouldn't be given a shower so that they have the things they need to start their lives together? Just seiously wondering why someone wouldn't think that a couple getting married wouldn't get a shower? I've never heard of that.
Also, if no guests are going to be present at someone's private wedding ceremony then you being 'not invited' is a moot point. There are no invites because there is no guest list. That's like me being pissed when I havent' been invited to the Jone's pizza and movie thursday night at their house. Um, its not a public event. No other people will be there except Mr. and Mrs. Jones. There is no guest list to be left off of. There is no slight to not being 'invited'. No one is 'invited'. There are no guests - its not a difficult concept. Not everyone adheres to what WE think is the right way to have a religious or legal function. Get over it. Grow up. Move on. If you are a good friend, you will celebrate your friends upcoming nuptials, regardless of if they have a private ceremony for two or not. If you suck as a friend, you'll reserve any kind of help or excitement for when you recieve your engraved invitation.
@luckyprincess in my circle, showers are not given for second weddings or second children. thats my circle. theres really no point in listing all the reasons why, different people do things differently. there's whole topics on this site about encore showers. its a faux paus in my opnion, but that is my opinion. further, my understanding is that only guests are invited to the showers (i.e. you wouldnt invite people to the bach party or shower that werent invited to the wedding)
second. i dont think its being childish. if anything, im confused that it would go any other way. to use your example, if joe asked you to come over and decorate/help make the pizza and then didnt invite you to the pizza party, would you be slightly taken aback? if there is no reception or ceremony, im not even sure what there is to plan. its not like she's searching for photographers, and venues. my feeling was that she wanted her friends to be more excited. i agree, they should. but i think she should look for them to show their support and excitement in different ways.
Well, there's alot of emphasis on the bach party and showers. Those were just a couple of examples. In fact, it was 1 of the last things I mentioned in the original post. I'm hurting bc there is no effort on anything, even conversating about it, it's like pulling teeth to even mention it. No one is fishing for gifts or surfing for presents. It hurt that I'm not even getting support or enthusiasm from the friends.
Although it's a destination wedding, you still have a dress to pick and get fitted for. You still have photography/videography to hire, location to choose, shoes, jewelry, hair and makeup...it's still a wedding. FI and I go over photo and location stuff, but it would be cool to have some girlie input on some things. And some girls to vent to on all this wedding stuff.
Also, I should mention that FI and I are funding our entire WEDDING (yes, it is still a wedding) on our own with no financial help from anyone. We are having a pre wedding send off party for these friends (and a few others) and close family before we leave for our destination as well.
If pre planning and excitement is contingent upon the size of wedding you have or if it will be traditional or not, or if it's your first wedding or not, then that just stinks! Sorry, but it does.
Thanks to the bees who had my back. I'm glad I'm not the only 1 who feels the way I do. And, likewise, thanks to those who had an adverse opinion. I was open minded enough to listen and it really did educate me.
I think I'm over it. Tee hee. It's not the worst thing in the world to do all this on my own. It just woulda been nice to have that girl time. But I feel alot better about it. I was in tears yesterday. I guess it really helped to get it all out!!
I think that your example is where the problem lies. A pizza party implies that other people are invited and you aren't. No one is invited. It's like if your guy friend was going to propose to his gf and you went with him to help find a ring, helped him decorate his apartment with roses and stuff and candles so he could pop the question and then got pissed off because he didn't ask you to sit in on the proposal.
Or maybe your friend was going to have an intimate pizza dinner with her guy and you were mad and upset that you were expected to talk about it, refused to go with her to decide on toppings and felt hurt because they were going to eat the pizza alone, romantically, and didn't invite you. See, that's the difference. It isn't that you aren't invited and are being slighted - just because people want to stare, gawk, and witness someone's vows doesn't mean that their desire to do that trumps the couple's desire for an intimate affair. And if either are your friend, them having an intimate destination wedding shouldn't hurt your feelings - it should make you over the moon happy and want to do things to celebrate that and help.
I've never in my life heard of witholding showers for people that have already had a past marriage or another child so that's just so odd for me and seemingly petty (not calling you petty, just the idea that people aren't worthy of a celebration if they've already given birth or been married) so it makes me scratch my head. I'll do a search for it for sure because I find it so out of my own reality. Lots of things on this site are like that, though, and it really is interesting to find out big differences in how other people live. That's the beauty of forums.
I think a lack of excitement for planning a friend's elopement compared with a full wedding is normal, for reasons already mentioned (they are not even going to see the end result, so it has less meaning for them), but it sounds like your friends' reaction goes a little further than that. Not even having interest in the fact that you got engaged to a man you are so happy with when your first marriage was so unhappy, seems abnormal to me.
Had you already planned on eloping with just the two of you before you got engaged? Did your friends already know that they weren't going to get to celebrate with you at your wedding? Or were they expecting a wedding they could attend and then after given the news about the destination elopement seemed hurt by it? I think maybe you should have a talk with them about their feelings regarding being excluded (for lack of a better word) from your day. There is nothing wrong with wanting an intimate ceremony with just the two of you, but if those closest to you had been expecting being able to attend your wedding, they may feel just that -- excluded. Of course this was not your intention, but I think you ought to hear their side of the story before you determine that their lack of enthusiasm is without good cause.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this right now and I hope things get resolved in time for you to really enjoy your engagement and share that happiness with those you care about.
I have to say that I am in agreeement with all of what Atlanta has posted and others that agree too. Im sure your friends are happy for you but the truth is there is no wedding celebration....just an intimate ceremony for you and FI.
If it were me, I wouldnt be surprised to see nothing more than a congratulatory card from a few thoughtful friends and or family members.
If I were a friend of someone doing this....my assumption would that you would be fine without or didnt even want all the formalies and fuss over it being that you are not going with all the formalities....just my thoughts.
You wanted it to be just you and FI....and that is how the prewedding stuff will be too.....you and him. If you wanted all the fuss....well you should have done the full celelbration guests and all.
Enjoy your choice, there is a reason you decided to go this way.
You sound very disappointed that you didn't get the kind of support and excitement that you were expecting to receive from your loved ones. After the proposal, we have certain (sometimes unrealistic?) expectations of how our dream wedding will be like. However, instead of getting bogged into your own dreams and expectations - and how others have let you down...why not reach out to others instead? Are others celebrating a special occasion, are other people in your life in the dumps, are others feeling lonely? Sometimes, us future brides get so caught in our own little world that we don't share in other people's pains, sorrows etc. If you do, good for you! Maybe you just need to let your close friends and family know that you'd like more support - not demand it or make peole feel guilty. Love and joy is a gift - and it's often experienced by people who give it away freely without expecting anything back in return :)
I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, it's always nice to have your friends be excited for you. However, having a shower really would be breaking etiquette since you're basically eloping. It's not really polite to invite people to pre-wedding events if they're not invited to the actual wedding. I know you said that you aren't fishing for gifts, but then why do you want a shower? That is kind of the point of one - to 'shower' the bride with gifts. As for the bachelorette party, maybe suggest to them having a night out before the wedding?
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I know I'm marrying the most amazing guy in the world and that's really all that matters, but I can't help but to feel down sometimes. My friends haven't really been that good about things. They really could care less about my wedding. I got engaged almost 2 months ago and no one has even seen my ring other than the pic I texted to them bc I was so excited. No one went with me to try on dresses. I went by myself. No one is going on makeup or hair trials with me. There are pictures/links on the net I share with them in my excitement and to get opinions and I get 1-word, non-conversational answers. It's like pulling teeth with them when I even talk about it. It makes me nervous to even bring it up bc I get such blank reactions to it. It's a very lonely feeling.
I don't think it's bc I'm an encore bride, 1 of my friends was too and we (yes, me included) went all out for it. I went all out for them all. I love them. And I could be happy for all of them bc I knew my time would come. I don't think it's bc I'm having an intimate destination wedding for just me and my intended bc I still have a dress and a venue and photographers etc. to chose from. I'm also having a pre-wedding send off party before we leave for our wedding destination. So it can't be that. I don't know why I'm getting no support.
No one is talking showers or bachelorette parties with me. Nothing. It just brings me to tears sometimes bc I really want this for myself. I need it. I was in a very unhealthy marriage last time, it took me a long time to start dating again, and I was verrry selective. I feel very lucky in love to have found someone as sweet and kind as my FI. I want them to be happy for me. I want them to want to be apart of things with me. It really brings me to tears.
I know I should just focus on getting married and not let anyone steal my joy but I just don't understand why the giddyness and gathering and venting when I need to and support is just not there. It's really rough...