(Closed) I know I’m marrying the greatest guy, but I can’t help but feel down… :-(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Odd behavior for sure. Usually I’d say that we have to realize that nobody will be as excited about our weddings as we are, but this does seem abnormal.

Did you ASK any of them to go with you for your dress, hari trial etc? They may each be waiting for you to ask. IF none of them have been designated as bridesmaids, they are not going to impose themselves onto you, you need to do the asking. Maybe they are feeling left out a little, or don’t want to assume they are wanted for anything?

Post # 4
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry to hear that. I know a lot of people on the ‘bee have said something to the effect of “no one will be as excited as you are”. But I think they should be! I’m in a similar situation and I know how much it hurts. I don’t have any constructive advice but I just wanted to say hang in there 🙂

Post # 6
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I feel your pain. I’m the last to get married in my group of mid/late 20’s gals. They’re all divorced, some with kids. They say “yeah, I’m over the marriage thing” and although my friend is 27 she felt the need to say “I’m over the kids and marriage at 21 thing”…honey, we’re closer to 30 *roll eyes*

 

It’s so damn frustrating that I took my time dating, am in a proper (as opposed to my “friends”, not others who date less time) relationship and am thrilled…yet few people share my excitement because of their sour experiences from stupid choices made at 18/19.

Post # 7
Member
4774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@katieebee:

If they aren’t going to be invited to the wedding then they prob don’t feel like doing all the things they would if they were part of it.  I would feel that way like why waste my time on you and I’m not even going to be part of your day.  You made the desision to have a very private ceremony so you’re going to have a very private preparation too.  Sorry, that’s how I’d feel.

Post # 8
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Atalanta: I guess I really disagree. If they are her friends, they should respect her choice for a private ceremony if that is what she wants, and still be willing to help her if she asks. I think it would be very immature to put a stipulation on helping a friend. “I’ll only help you if I’m invited” just doesn’t work for me if it’s a true friend. They should still be excited for her. I’ve had people offer to help me that know they aren’t invited to the wedding since only family is. People should always be willing to help friends out. It’s immature to not help just because the invite is not happening.

Post # 10
Member
4774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@katieebee:

I don’t know if your friends are happy for you or not.  I wasn’t implying not being happy for someone.  Of course I’m happy for friends and even strangers when they have something good like a wedding happen in their life.  But when it comes to spending time out of my buisy schedual to help pick out makeup they are going to wear to an event I’m not going to be at, then I’d say no.  I’d feel awkward, like “you care enough about my opinion on how you will look but then don’t want me to see you.

Everyone’s different, but I wouldn’t ask people I am not inviting to help, I don’t think its fair.

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If they aren’t bridesmaids, they won’t know that they should be planning showers and bachelorettes. If they aren’t invited, they don’t know that they should be involved in the picking of dresses and other details. And if they were involved in your first wedding, of course the interest will be less the second time around. It all makes a lot of sense to me. You could always try the old standby: actually communicating with them about how you are feeling. You’d be surprised how far that will get you…

Post # 12
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So sorry to hear that. Sometimes I feel that way too. Maybe you could bring it up to them. I’m sure they don’t want you to be feeling this way and they would probably make more of an effort.

Post # 13
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

A few thoughts come to mind. One, I would def talk to my friends. Perhaps you feel you shouldn’t “have to” because they should have just stepped up to the plate but clearly since that’s not happening communicate with them. Maybe they are so into their own lives they don’t realize they are not being supportive. Perhaps they assume your next or other friend will go with you to pick a dress, dj, or whatever and that’s covered. Two, when I wanted my friend to go with me dress shopping I gave her a couple dates when I was available to find out when was best for her. I’m not sure how you’ve approached your friends but remember they probably have alot going on in their own lives too and if you come at them from an understanding and flexible point of you they may be more likely to want to support you in whatever you need. Also be sure when you talk to them the only thing you’re not discussing is your wedding. They may need your support also as their friend they had pre-engagement. In addition, if my friend was having a wedding with just she and her FI, I wouldn’t know what role to take. I think if you give your friends as much notice as possible and ask when it’s convinent for them to go to try on dresses or help with a,b, or c they may be more inclined to do so. Just my two cents.

Post # 14
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

How are they when you’re talking to them about non-wedding stuff? I’m guessing that they might be very hurt that you’re essentially excluding them from your wedding, and they might want to have nothing to do with it. I’m not saying that’s the correct or the most mature response, but sometimes we’re not always rational when our feelings are hurt.

Maybe you should talk to them and see if that’s what’s bothering them? If it is, I would go over your reasons for wanting to have a private ceremony with them, and see if they can see it from your point of view. They might not understand why you would want to exclude them and your families from your wedding, and knowing your reasons will probably help them a ton.

As for the preparations, I assume they’re for the pre-wedding send off? Maybe you should give them a special role in that so that they know they’re supposed to be involved. If I wasn’t in someone’s wedding party, I probably wouldn’t be thinking about planning things for them, either. I think setting them apart at the pre-wedding party will go a long way towards getting them more involved. I’m sorry you’re hurting, I hope things work out for you!

Post # 15
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Well, if I wasn’t a bridesmaid or moh, I wouldn’t plan a bachelorette party or shower.  It’s just because that is who throws it, so even if I didn’t know who or if anyone was gong to be the moh or bms, I wouldn’t think to throw it if I weren’t in the bridal party!  So I think its fine to say ‘hey guys, I’m going to have a bach party – want to come and help me plan it?’  That’s fine!  Also, let your Mom or sis or someone know you would like a shower and let them gather with the appropriate people.

Listen, if your friends think that being happy for you, planning with you or listening to planning is directly linked to them coming to your bride and groom only wedding ceremon (RUDE friends!) then just drop them!  Who thinks like that?  ‘Well, no one else is coming to their private ceremony but I’M special and if I dont’ get to see them whisper very private, initmate vows to each other that they aren’t comfortable sharing with others, then I’m NOT going with her to look at gowns’ – really??!?  That’s a disgusting attitude and I can guarantee that no one worth an invite would act like/feel like that.  I mean, ceremonies mean different things to different folks and you shouldn’t have to worry that you haven’t met someone’s criteria for levels of exciement. That’s nuts. 

However, if you think you really need their support, let them know!  Say ‘oh man, I really want you to help me find a gown – when are you free, we’ll get lunch afterwards’ or something and go!  Plus, its only been two months – don’t go getting hair and makeup done one year before your wedding – give things time to sink in.  Plus, make sure you aren’t only talking about the wedding – that’s annoying for even the most interested friend!! 😛

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