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Don't let any of that childish stuff get in your way.. Just ask who you want and move on. It's all a lot of kid stuff that you'll forget about in 5 minutes anyway! You may not think so, but you will!
If you really want this girl in your life, you'll need to get everything out in the open. It sounds like you never talked about the fooling around, and that's what's still festering. Come clean about everything you're feeling in a non-confrontational way, and see where it goes from there.
First, I say don't beat yourself up for how you feel. Everyone has problems but that doesn't make yours any less significant. Personally, I would avoid the drama and invite both but don't ask them to be BM. It's your day and you shouldn't have to be so consumed with pleasing everyone because at the end of the day that's impossible anyway. If you feel like you MUST include them, I'd just say the heck with it and ask them both since they hang out a lot and can hopefully entertain one another and stay out of past drama. I'd have a heart to heart with them both at the same time and agree to put the past in the past and start fresh. Anyone who genuinely cares about you would agree and if they can't then it's time to move on.
I guess we don't really know the full story of everything that has happened. But it sounds like to me that you were upset with BFF because she cheated with your BF. To me I think she's in the wrong; but it also sounds like you've forgaven her (but never talked about it?) As for Auntie; do you still have a relationship with her? do you still talk to her? I don't have much advice i guess. Do you still carry on REAL relationships with either of them? (outside of facebook) If you want them involved then I'd say ask them. If they feel weird about it they'll probably turn down the invite.
i will say i thought about my response, and though it's still what i mean, i think that mainly what i'm trying to say is that all of your issues come from not being open with your feelings. If you don't tell anybody what you're thinking, then you are left with silence and question marks. Maybe learn from this and just be up front with what you think to save yourself the heartbreak and wondering what other people think/feel etc. Take 2 minutes, ask, and move forward.
I don't know - I think it's pretty clear from xBFF's actions (at least from the Spark Notes version above) that she no longer views you guys as having a real relationship. I personally would feel weird being asked to be a BM after all that went down. I think you need to develop a real friendship again before it would make sense to ask either your Auntie or xBFF to be in the wedding.
How would you feel in 3 months if neither of them are participating in wedding activities or everything remains the same as it is? Would you still want them in your wedding?
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::sigh:: I just need to vent. And this is gonna be a long one, darlings; so I apologize in advance. The beginnings aren't going to make a whole lot of sense; but it'll all come together. (I think, lol.)
I'll try to give you the SparkNotes version of this...I lived with super-cool Auntie while in college; xBFF was my best, best friend (until I met my wonderful FI, of course =]. ) I wanted to live with xBFF after I graduated, so I gave Auntie plenty of notice. She said she wouldn't find someone to take my spot until xBFF and I found a place. 1 month before graduation, Auntie says her boyfriend is moving into my room and I need to be out before June 1; Graduation is May 31. UGH.
Eventually, after many bumps in the road, xBFF and I are finally roommates! At that time I was dating a guy named *Thomas. Another long story short, I found out Thomas and xBFF messed around. For some stupid reason, I thought xBFF would come clean about it, so I never approached her about it. (I know Thomas instigated it.) She never did. I was too hurt and angry to talk to her about it, so I was dumb and let it steep for weeks and weeks. Then I met my FI, we were instantly crazy about eachother, and FI invited me to live with him. (It was a better financial situation anyway.) So I moved out. And xBFF and I grew apart. We were trash-talking eachother behind one another's backs because we were both hurt and wanted to lash out.
About a year after dating, FI and I want to move out of NY back to my home state. :) We worked in the same place and had many mutual friends. As one last hurrah, we threw a Farewell Party at our apartment. We did the whole Facebook invite page thing mainly for the people we work with so they would have directions to the place and know what to bring, etc. We wanted anyone and everyone to come to the party. I invited xBFF but she didn't come. And a part of me wanted to invite Auntie, but...well, she wouldn't have known anyone except for me, and I would have been too busy going around, saying my goodbyes and having drinks. So because I didn't send Auntie an invite directly, she took it personally. She left me a short comment of FB that stung quite a bit. I didn't reply, because I knew she had our address AND she saw the event page; and if she read closely, she could have seen that everyone was welcome to come.
Okay, back to present time...Recently I've been going on FB a lot to get in touch with people regarding the wedding. :) And I see that Auntie and xBFF are hanging out ALL the time. Auntie didn't congradulate FI and I on our engagement, and xBFF only left a short: "congrats" on my wall. She couldn't even write out the word... :(
I'm more sad with xBFF than Auntie. (Auntie's actions are justifiable; she's a whole other story.) I've tried making ammends with xBFF, but she keeps telling me "There's nothing to fix. You're over-analyzing and you're too emotional." I wanted her to be one of my BM's because she's played such a significant role in my life and I want her beside me on that day. I just fear she won't be geniune in her well wishes, if that makes any sense. Almost like..she'd be forced to stand up there for someone she despises. And then I'm afraid if I don't make her a BM, she'll be offended. The same scenario with Auntie, too. My sister made Auntie a BM for her wedding; I'm worried if I don't make Auntie a BM, that'll be the final nail in the coffin, if you will...
::sigh:: I don't know...I know this was unbearably long, and I apologize. I feel like I'm crying over spilt milk when there are plenty of other bees with exponentially worse problems.