Post # 1
I know I’m being selfish, but I can not help being so frustrated over this.
My bf (soon to be FI) wants to go on an 8 day volunteer trip to South America with habitat for humanity this summer. He went last summer with the same group of people to Honduras and it was “the most amazing bonding experience of his life”. He was too tired to call me on some days and during the ~10 minutes a day that we would talk the girls on the trip would be in the background pranking him and teasing him. It was just so incredibly frustrating. I’m a very secure woman and don’t doubt my bf for one second, but during that week he had such an amazing time that he didn’t even miss me and that hurt.
That’s not the biggest issue that I have. Since this is such a long trip, we didn’t get to go on a real vacation last year. We went on a couple weekend trips but we weren’t able to take a full vacation together because he didn’t want to take another full week off from work. I don’t think that is fair to me two years in a row.
This is also a very expensive volunteer trip. It is going to cost him about $3000. I know it’s selfish but I feel like we could go on a really nice vacation with that money. Or put it towards a wedding that I hope we’ll be planning by this summer. Or chose a volunteer trip that is not so expensive so that I can afford to go too! Or volunteer here!! I just think there are so many other options and I’m frustrated that he wants to do this again.
I can talk to him about everything but I don’t want to share these feelings with him because I don’t want him to feel guilty. I know this is an amazing experience and I don’t want to take that from him. I gave him my blessing, but inside I am screaming! Can someone please help me calm down. I don’t want to have these selfish feelings inside of me, but I want to screammmmmm!
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I think that if he really wants to go, he will go. It’s not fair to ask him to give up things that he loves because you don’t get to talk to him for a week and he can’t go on as many other vacations. How old are you guys?
Post # 4
Yeah, that would not be OK with me, either. I would want to go on vacation, especially if we hadn’t gotten to go last year because of the same situation. It’s awesome that he’s volunteering and had a rewarding experience last year, but if he’s soon to be your FI, he should really start thinking in terms of “we” instead of just “me.” Obviously, everyone needs their own sense of self, and to do their own thing from time to time, but there needs to be a balance and it can’t be about just him when it comes to vacation every year.
Maybe you should relay a toned-down version of this to him? Or, is it possible for you to go along, too? You’re going to resent him going if you don’t tell him how you feel.
Post # 5
If you’ve never been on a trip like this, you just won’t be able to understand how there is no replacement for it. It’s an incredible, life-changing experience, and I can’t blame him for wanting to go again.
You just need to understand..it isn’t a vacation. It isn’t. It’s about helping other people, and you do really bond with your group and just learn a lot about yourself, life, the world…
It stinks that you can’t go with him…that, I totally understand. But I don’t think it would be fair for you to hold him back from going either.
Post # 6
@ElleNLOVE: Honestly, you’re not being selfish. Others may think so, but I don’t.
This is an expensive trip, and sure, it’s “volunteer” so it does have the do-good vibe to it, but you ARE a couple. Hopefully this will be the last trip he goes on solo.
My advice would be to let him go on this last trip. Yeah, it does suck you can’t both go. Going forward, I would tell him that vacations need to be FOR THE BOTH OF YOU. You’re going to be married soon. Being married means doing stuff togther. When I make a purchase or plan something, I always think of my hubby before myself. I hope that “clicks” with him.
And quite honestly, he should be having these “Amazing bonding experiences” with you. Especially if he wants you to be his wife!!!
Post # 7
@JaneyDcat: Agree! I was thinking the same thing about everything you said.
Post # 8
I don’t think you are selfish at all. I would be very upset if my fiancé wanted to spend the majority of his vacation time paying to get away from me. That’s how I’d see it.
I think you should talk to him – explain how you’d like to be able to take a nice vacation with him but that’s not possible if he spends all this time and money doing something else. He should understand.
Post # 9
@inky_1: I definitely understand (from an outsiders perspective) how incredible trips like these are. He was so depressed when he came home because he wanted to do more. He is so amazing and that’s why i’m venting here, because I don’t want to take anything from that experience.
It bothers me because we tossed around the idea of going with our church on a very similar international volunteer trip which would have cost less and we never fully discussed it. Now he wants to do this one again.
I’m just frustrated because there are other options, but I did give him my blessing.
Post # 10
I agree you’re not being selfish. You were one, now you’re going to be a pair. I don’t think it’s selfish to discuss together how you spend your money and your time.
Post # 11
I’d feel the same way, but you can’t tell him not to go, and the $ isn’t yours to delegate. He probably views this as his last independent adventure before you guys settle down into marriage. While he’s away plan some fun things for you and your friends to do, you don’t have to be miserable at home while he’s having an amazing experience!
BUT definitely tell him how those phone calls last year made you feel. If he’s going to go without you then the least he can do is give you his full attention when you’re able to talk over the phone. Tell him in the future you’d really like to go on trips together.
Post # 12
@DomesticDiva: I agree! I’m thinking about talking to him but I know if I say something he’s not going to feel comfortable going anymore and that’s not what I want. Honestly, i just want to work through these feelings of frustration so that I can be genuinely happy for him.
Post # 13
Why don’t you find something fun or meaningful to do with your time while he’s gone? Maybe volunteer at a few local soup kitchens or homeless shelters – that way, you’ll be super busy as well and the time will just fly, and when he comes back you can share with each other the wonderful experiences you had during your volunteer times!
Post # 14
I can see this one from both sides, really.
1) It’s an expensive trip, you don’t get to go, and you can think of other ways to spend/save the money that would benefit the both of you.
2) When you mention things like not being able to talk to him for a week, and the other girls bothering you, it makes it seem more about being clingy (or maybe that you don’t totally trust him) than about the other issues you mentioned. 8 days isn’t really so long. FH and I have done longer; not that it didn’t stink, but that it was for a good reason, and I backed him. If that’s the real reason you don’t want him to go, that’s not a good reason.
For the PP who used the words “let him go” – gag. She’s hopefully going to be his wife, not his mommy. Decisions should be reached together, yes. Decisions should be determined by a rule-setting shrew, no. OP, tread carefully.
Post # 15
That sucks! I soooo feel for you!!! I say let him go one last time, then you get vacations with him….drum roll please…..FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!!!!
Post # 16
@chercee: Yeah, I mean I guess I’m just wondering why 8 days is such a huge deal – I mean, my BF just left the country for a month-long business trip and while we aren’t going to get to talk much, it’s an incredible experience for him and I wouldn’t ever want to take that away from him because it’s so meaningful and special to him.