I know this is wrong but I compare myself to others..Anyone else?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@Reneesmith741992:  Don’t be so hard on yourself; youŕe human!! It’s totally normal to compare like that. But don’t stress too much as every relationship is very different. (I’m sure you’ve noticed people getting married quick who should not have!)

My obsession now that I’m married is investigating stalking women to see how old they were when they had their first child. OBSESSED. 

Post # 4
Member
26 posts
Newbee

It is normal to feel the way you do, we all do it! 🙂 

my SO’s little sister is getting married June 2014 after getting engaged in August 2012. She has been with her FI only 3 months longer than SO and I have been together and she’s 4 years younger than me so I didn’t have the greatest time when that happened (although of course I’m happy for her) – worst part was when SO and I went on holiday to the same place his sister got engaged at 2 months before her proposal. SO insisted on us seeking out the “perfect proposal spot” for us to tell her FI. Sucky Dot com! 

Dont worry it WILL be your turn soon! I’m sure you will then have your fair share if envy stalkers too 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

very normal.  i complained to DH about this before we were engaged (we knew we wanted to get married).  i would tell him “so and so are engaged after 1 year together, so and so are engaged and they’ve been together shorter than us.  we’ve old, we need to get this show on the road.” 

we ended up having an 8 month engagement and got married before most of the people so it made me happy. 

  @lealorali:  and yes, now i’m stalking babies too.  DH’s friend that got married in May just announced their pregnancy.  so i’m hoping it will be our time sooner than later. it’s not for lack of trying.

Post # 6
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

That isnt healthy at all. Maybe it’s time to take a break from Facebook.

Post # 7
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

It’s normal to compare yourself to others. I definitely do it, although I know I should not. If it is really bothering you, just take a break from Facebook to help focus on what you have in front of you – a happy relationship.

Post # 8
Member
32 posts
Newbee

@Reneesmith741992:  It happens, and I think everyone has felt that way at some point or another. I’ve been working very hard at not falling into that habit because it always makes me feel crappy.

One thing that has helped a lot is getting off of Facebook. Another thing that helps is a quote I heard somewhere (might be getting it wrong) “Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to another person’s highlight reel”. It applies to everything not just weddings/engagement obviously. You don’t know that these people getting engaged right away or sooner than you are any happier or better off, and as long as you are happy that’s all that matters!

I also think there will be fewer engagements popping up after the holidays 😉

Post # 9
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I advise a break from facebook. It can do wonders for this sort of problem. You can de-activate your account for as long as you like and it will still be there when you are ready to come back.

 

A year and a half into our relationship, FI and I broke up for two months. I was devastated and went through a period of behaviour that mirrors what you describe. I finally decided to de-activate and did so for almost two months. It was really great for my mental health, and I actually felt closer to my friends because without facebook I needed to call or text them to catch up. It was nice to have real conversations again.

 

And above all else, I stopped doing the life-comparing game.

 

This article describes this complex we develop when we rely heavily on social media…it is a pretty common phenomenon: http://www.economist.com/news/science-and-technology/21583593-using-social-network-seems-make-people-more-miserable-get-life

 

Post # 10
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

No I am the same way unfortunately. I am engaged, but I compare my ring to others, I didn’t get a diamond and didn’t really want a diamond, but I get self conscious when I see what others have. My big things now are people who are buying homes or seemingly have just awesome lives. I hate facebook because of this but cant seem to bring myself to disconnect. You are not alone! And when your time comes it will!! I dont think there is anything glamorous about being engaged young so dont fret when people younger than you are getting engaged. You have a better chance of a successful marriage the older you get =] 

Post # 11
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m ashamed to admit that I do this too.. So on one hand you’re not alone, but on the other hand, it’s not the best way to spend your time as it likely feeds into any negative emotions you have about not being engaged and can lead to resentment of your SO. This is what I’ve personally come to realize about this bad habit, anyway. I try to remind myself that just because so-and-so have been dating for only X amount of time and are already engaged it doesn’t mean their relationship is any better than the one I’m in. Try to focus on the positive and unique things about your own relationship with your SO. Your time will come (hopefully soon!) and you’ll forget all about how you measure up to other couples on FB!

Post # 12
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Reneesmith741992:  I agree it isn’t healthy behaviour but it isn’t uncommon. For many reasons, I am so happy that I didn’t find weddingbee until after I was engaged. I think I would have become pretty frustrated at not being engaged since we had been dating for about 4.5 years and I was 27 and he was 33 when we got engaged. I know that it was the right timing for us and we did things a bit out of order (moved in together and bought a house prior to getting engaged). On the bee, I see many posts about not moving in prior to getting engaged and that if a man doesn’t propose within 3 years or so then he isn’t serious. 

I guess I’m just saying that you have to not compare your relationship to others. It is sooo much harder now because you have so much more access to other people’s lives. 

Post # 13
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

I felt that way about things when I was younger, but not so much now. At some point I just turned a corner and realized, hey, those things have NOTHING to do with my relationships.

I’m attending 3 (and IN 2 of them) weddings in 2014, and each couple has been together for less time than my SO and I. And I’m nothing but happy for them!! Maybe it will just take a conscious decision on your part each time to partake in the joy and leave the irrelevant jealousy at home.

I mean, dude….I get to get drunk for free in fancy dresses. What’s not to love?? 😉

Post # 14
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsWBS:  +1 This sounds incredibly unhealthy.  Have you considered therapy?  You are focusing way too much on other people.

Post # 15
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with PPs that deactivating Facebook may be the way to go. I can understand being slightly envious of other’s lives and using them as a measuring stick to better yourself. Many of us do this. 

However, in your case, it doesn’t seem healthy and will get you nowhere – you started multiple threads about why a guy won’t propose, hints for proposals, etc.. Take a step back and relax.

I was single in my late 20s (one of the worst times to be single), and I had to watch everyone’s lives on Facebook move forward. I have an idea of how you feel. But what did I do? I deactivated for a few months and focused on the things in life that I could control. I got certified in my career and got a wonderful job opportunity in the process. The job opportunity led to my meeting DH. See the domino effect? Focus on you and the rest will come to you!

 

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