(Closed) I know this isn’t the same kind of waiting…

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I’m nowhere qualified to speak on this, but I can share my hopes to wait to have children as a way to help you cherish this time without kids.

I’m 25 and have been with my SO for 6 years.  We probably have 2-3 years to go until we get married, and then I’d like to wait 3-4 years before having kids.  This is because (and NO OFFENSE to those who want/have kids immediately after/before marriage) I want to build a strong foundation before kids.  I am not saying that those who don’t do that don’t have a strong foundation, I’m sure that they do, and I’m sure if they didn’t before their baby that they do now.  Marriage is different from dating and I treasure that difference and want to make our marriage strong before adding those adorable troublemakers, haha.  Backing up this feeling is that *all* of my close friends, my, and my boyfriend’s parents are all still married after decades and all waited 3-4 years to have children.  I know that’s NOT scientific AT ALL but it plays a huge factor in my decision.  That may be what’s going on for your husband, he may want more time with just the two of you to strengthen your bond even more.  Anyways, I look at it as a time to have fun and be carefree before you can’t really be carefree as much and will always have someone else on your mind.

Just my two cents.  And like I said, I’m nowhere qualified to speak on this.

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

It’s different from even living together too, and there’s a lot of research to show that if you look for legit research by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy or something similar.  This I am somewhat qualified to write about as I am finishing grad school for counseling with a concentration in marriage and family therapy.  

You may not have noticed it, but there is a subtle change that takes place after marriage.  Even though before you married, there was a feeling of “we’ll be together forever” and you lived together, there was still the option of leaving quite easily (though probably not emotionally so).  After the wedding that option flies out the window.  As it has been explained to me by professors, the “forever” part of being together becomes “in your face” and every little thing becomes a big deal, though it may not be verbally or phsyically expressed as such.  For example, if your now DH leaves the seat up you may think “OMG can I live with that FOREVER?! I will kill him if he’s still doing this 2 years from now!” whereas before you may have thought “that’ll change once we get married, I can live with it for now.”  So one way it changes is being confronted with “forever” everyday and that takes time to settle down and get used to.  Things that you had even the slightest bit of hope would change after marriage need to be ironed out.

Another way it changes are your personal habits.  It may have been unconscious, but you were probably trying to be your best so that your SO would propose, then marry you.  Now all of that is over, you can let your guard down and be a little more… real.  That takes some getting used to as well.

There are many more ways that I could write about if you’re interested, but I need to get my booty to the gym!  Let me know if you want more info.  I could also refer you to some awesome couples counseling geared for newlyweds that is focused on your strengths as a couple, very positive, and rewarding.  I’m certified in it and it’s a lot of fun!  I’m actually going to do the dating couples version of it with my SO tonight.

Post # 6
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

I am sorry- I don’t know how to compare since this is the waiting board for engagements and not babies- but with any type of waiting, it would help to take your mind off of it. Find other things to occupy your time that doesn’t include whatever it is your are waiting for.

Post # 7
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am very much in the same situation. My husband and I are both really itching for children but in order to force ourselves to wait we started booking trips. This year we are going to Italy and if I was pregnant I couldn’t taste the amazing wine and a lot of the food would be on the restricted list, never mind walking around and touring when I was pregnant.

We own our own house and have plenty of money, however I want to be a stay at home mom. And since we are losing the income it makes sense for us to wait another year or two so we an really be financially secure on just his income.

Post # 8
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh I’m so sorry! I know how hard it is to be waiting (the engagement kind of waiting though, not babies) so I can imagine how frustrating it is that you feel you have to put off your dreams now that you’re married.

I would disagree that it doesn’t matter what his “excuses” are and you just have to wait. This is a decision that you MADE together.  He said he was ready when you are, and now that has changed.  It’s good that you respect it and you’re not sneaking to get pregnant like some women would, I applaud you for that!

I think it’s good of you to respect this change and listen to his feelings , but also why the change of heart? And more importantly to let him know your feelings and see if he can understand where you’re coming from. That, to you, it’s confusing becuase not being able to bike as much/have as much money were things he knew about having kids from the get-go…not exactly surprises there.  And share that you’re starting to feel resentful and don’t know what to do. Even that you feel that you have to wait now, and feel powerless about this.  While I don’t have experience with kids or waiting for pregnancy, I do have experience letting my feelings slide into resentment and it’s not easy to recover from that.

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Have you tried having a real honest, specific discussion about it?  He says he’s worried about time for himself and money.  I can tell you know these are valid concerns, and are not meaning to blow him off, but are you sure you aren’t?  

I just mean if his question is, “Oh but what about money… Accckkk!!!???” And you say only, “We have plenty of money!”  That answer doesn’t really satisfy.  Have you tried really imagining how things would change?  Drawing up a plan? 

If you haven’t already, I would investigate all the costs associated with labor + delivery, baby “start up” costs, childcare, and baby’s month-to-month expenses, and really do the math to see how it could fit into your current budget.  Maybe he’s afraid of sacrificing his current lifestyle, even a little.  That’s not to say he wouldn’t do it ever – he may just not be ready to do it yet. 

I would also draw up a plan for keeping his (and your!) hobbies.  Maybe you just need to show him specifically that it wouldn’t be so different.

And I wouldn’t necessarily call a family meeting and show him a bunch of charts and graphs (haha).  I’d just have the info ready in my head for when it comes up next time.

Of course, you may do all this (or already have done it), and he still is dragging his feet.  He’s had a lot of changes lately – maybe he just wants to keep this one at bay for awhile and enjoy his new life with a wife.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

If you think about it – marriage, a dog, living together – those are all big deals, but a baby is kind of the biggest!  It’s a whole other ballgame – he’ll be responsible for another person.  It’s a good thing he’s wanting to be sure the time is right.

If you are really starting to resent him for it, I would say you need to talk to someone about that so that it doesn’t start to affect your relationship.

I hope this helps!

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think you should do what Roxy821 sugggested, and do things to take your mind off of it. All those things your hubs is worried about losing (bike riding, etc) – do it!!!  Plan trips together, go out to dinner and have fun, go to a winery and get drunk and have a great time.  Enjoy this time with your husband, and before you know it you both will be ready

Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Cool!  I agree about just trying to take your mind off it.  And I love the idea of booking a trip to Italy in summer when you’d be miserable pregnant – ha!  I actually got a little bit of baby fever a few years ago, but it waxed and waned, and now I actually don’t think we’re going to have any!  Isn’t that crazy?  The point is… maybe after some time / distraction you won’t be so “feverish” !  Good luck to you πŸ™‚

Post # 13
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@pinesey:  

I know exactly how you feel. I do not have any suggestions but I just wanted to let you know that other people are in the same boat. We have only been married for 4 months but we have been living and paying bill together with pets for years.(Dating 7 1/2) Marriage was just a piece of paper to us. We are not perfectly ready for a baby but my baby fever is CRAZY! I would just talk to my Husband and really stress how you feel ready. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

I think Guys minds are TOTALLY different than girls when it comes to babies. They tend to freak easily πŸ™‚

Instead of asking ‘are you ready now’ try to spend more time on conversations about what life will be like with a baby/child. Set your expectations. Like you said it doesn’t have to change that much. My husband still goes to the gym, runs, road bikes, or mtn bikes every day. I still play soccer and go the gym. We’re taking a trip or two snowboarding this winter. We just went out to a nice restaurant tonight for dinner and set our 5 mo old in his bumbo on the table. He chewed on his teething toy and we enjoyed a nice meal out. Life goes on if you want it to. With baby!

I think men see other situations and choices people make and think it’s the only option.  so not true!

Example A – Hanging out with a friends/family that have an extremely misbehaving child.

Example B – A friends couple that become total recluses once a child enters the pictures and don’t leave the house. (My sil and her husband!)

The more you talk about what changes you are ok with and what things you don’t want to sacrifice and what life will look like the more comfortable he may be with the change. Granted you can’t control EVERYTHING πŸ™‚  We have a super easy baby which is nice! 

Another thing we often did in our first couple years of marriage is talking about our friends parenting styles and what we like or don’t like. That helped us make sure we were on the same page. We have some friends that their kids don’t have a bedtime and are free to drink coke and eat brownies at 8pm πŸ™‚ We always come home and talk about our thoughts on things like that. Sometimes it’s “I really liked our ‘friend’ handled ‘blah’ with ‘kid’.

Hopefully he’ll get just as excited as you are about life’s next big adventure and want to start trying soon – or at least be ready to talk timeline. In the meantime try to enjoy every day as it is πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

The best advice I ever got was, “Honey, they’ll never be ready until a kid pops out of your vagina”. And it’s so true. If you believe you’re ready, and he definitely wants kids, then perhaps you can start with the Not Trying Not To Conceive method. I mean, there’s still a ton of play on time there. It can take up to a year to get pregnant, then of course you have those long months of pregnancy. So, even if he agrees to start, he’s got about a minimum of a year before he even becomes a dad. So that’s a lotta time to think on the subject.

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