Post # 1
<div>About 16 months ago, when we started wedding planning in earnest, paying for the wedding was going to be a joint affair. My fiance and I would pay for our attire and the ceremony costs (after all, it was our marriage) and my parents would pay for the reception, as it was their party thrown in my honor. Fast forward a few months to when we were booking the reception location and my mom and I had a HUGE row. I wanted the beautiful old train station that was going to need a little bit of TLC to make something really special and unique. Mom wanted the country club that required no work whatsoever. This made my mom really upset. She threatened to not come to the wedding. Threatened to pull out her money. Said that I was being selfish. Accused me of not caring about her and her family and friends. Told me that the wedding was her party and her day and that it wasn’t really about me at all.</div>
<div>At that point I thought very long and hard about whether it was worth all that drama to have her pay for the wedding. I made the decision that my fiance and I should pay for a wedding we could afford and do on our own, even though it meant something very small and wasn’t really the wedding we had dreamed about. I was disappointed, my fiance was sad, my parents were hurt. Making what I thought was the mature decision to fund my own wedding began to feel like I was punishing my parents, and I realized that my wedding day would be tinged with the sadness and hurt of an old argument. So, I rethought and agreed to take my parent’s money and my mom’s mania in the interest of throwing the big, happy wedding we all wanted for our extended family and friends.</div>
<div>Now it’s two months before the wedding, and my mom is at it again. This time over music. She wants a cellist and flutist to play during the cocktail hour, I want a playlist with lots of Beatles songs. I offered a compromise, and she accused me of not caring about her and threatened to pull all the money and not come to the wedding. She won’t speak to me and my stomach has been in knots for days. I honestly don’t know what to do. It is such a small thing, but I really would like to enjoy my own wedding. Should I give in to her wishes? Should I take her at her word and fund the wedding myself, although it will take all our savings? Should I just wait for her to calm down, even if that means weeks? And when she does calm down, what do I do then? Should I cancel the whole thing and just elope? I want to make a decision that doesn’t end up feeling like a slap in the face to my parents, but still seems true to me. Help!</div>
Post # 2
MagNCheese2014: oh dear…… sounds like quite a difficult spot to be in…….
My mother and I clashed a lot during wedding planning. She offered to pay for my wedding at the beginning of planning (I was never interested in having a wedding. This was her way of making sure there was wedding). As time went on, she would call and say that my DH and I should pay for A,B,C,D, etc. A,B,C,D and whatever else ended up costing my now DH and I close to 10,000.00. In the end, my DH and I paid for A,B,C,D because it was too late to back out of the wedding (contracts were signed) and we just hoped that the wedding would be great. The wedding was a hit with most of our friends and family. Looking back I am still quite upset with the amount of money that my DH and I had to shell out for an event that was supposed to be paid for.
Sorry for my story but I think I have a point……
Since you are so close to the wedding, I would try to compromise and see if maybe the cocktail musicians can play some beatles songs. I know many on here would say to argue with your mom but given your situation, I think you really are fighting an uphill battle that might not be worth fighting. Certainly, do not pay for this wedding as it will clean out your savings account. Eloping would cause you to lose out on all the money you already paid to vendors and you still might be liable for additional funds (read your contracts). Canceling a wedding is no easy task, and since you are so close you are probably better off going ahead with it…….
If your day if not how you invisioned, I would suggest having a wedding re-do down the road…… go somewhere fun or exotic, get dressed, re-do photos and have things done your way…… that is what I plan on doing with my DH……..
Post # 3
MagNCheese2014: ouch. Sounds like mom is using money to control you and from a practical perspective, she’s giving you a conditional gift.
Not sure what to tell you other than good luck.
Post # 4
californiabride2013: Thanks. I thought about that, actually. The problem is I don’t think they will play anything other than classical. I have to ask them, but I’m pretty sure they won’t. I compromised and suggested they play at the wedding just before the ceremony while everyone is being seated.
Post # 5
I can honestly say I have never even noticed ANY kind of music playing during any cocktail hour I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been to plenty!), so I’m not sure this is a hill worth dying on.
Post # 6
Are you even going to be in the room during the cocktail hour?
Post # 7
1) your mom is a B.
2) you aren’t even going to be around during cocktail hour, presumably you will be getting photos done – if this is currently the only issue, let her win this one.
Post # 8
MagNCheese2014: Oh for pity’s sake. Call her bluff. Tell her to keep her money and stay home – that you and your FI have decided to take a few friends to an exotic location and get married on the beach.
Post # 9
MagNCheese2014: You are both in the wrong based on this line from your post, “my parents would pay for the reception, as it was their party thrown in my honor.” <br /><br />
Okay, so if your parents are paying for the reception in YOUR honor, then your mom should at least take into consideration your requests/preferences. But it also doesn’t mean she has to give you everything you want because it is, after all, their money. But I don’t agree with your mom saying it is about her since she is supposedly throwing this reception in YOUR honor. I think there needs to be more flex on both sides.
Post # 10
its not really about the music, it’s about her and her need to have everything her way. Next it will be the center pieces, then the decor. She is already starting on my choice of jewelry.
And yes, I will be there during the cocktail hour (Which is actually only 30 min). At least for part of it. But beyond that, all of my guests will be there and NONE of them, apart from my mom and maybe five of her friends, are classical music people. I’m worried that it will make the reception seem stuffy And make people uncomfortable, particularly my FI’s family. She interprets this as meaning I care about her less than anyone else.
Honestly, I’d give in to all of her demands just to make her happy, and I’ve done that my whole life. But at the end of the day, I’m going to be sad if I end up getting married at a wedding that doesn’t seem like me at all. Is that really so wrong?
Post # 11
Wow….I cant believe she’s telling you that YOUR wedding isnt about you 🙁
Post # 12
Although I do think you have a right to make decisions for your own wedding even if your parents are paying, maybe at this point you should just give up. It might make you happier to just let her throw the reception she wants and stay out of it. It’s all about deciding how you will be low-stress and high-happiness on the day (and days leading up to the wedding). Cost/benefit analysis. If it were me, I would just let go of the image I had for the reception and let her go at it. You might actually find that by doing that, she will be more receptive to your suggestions.
Post # 13
It sounds like your mom was using this as an opportunity to be a control freak rather than to take the financial burden away from you…
Post # 14
How frustrating! My mom and I clashed a bit as well, and they weren’t even paying! I had to keep reminding myself that she had dreams for her daughters wedding as well, and many of my parents friends would be attending, and the day was about our family as well. At the same time, your mom already had her day as a bride, and now it is your turn. Seems like you can either:
– Call her bluff. Tell her you are sad and tired of feeling like you can’t have what you want on your wedding and say you think it would be best if she did take her money back and you and FI eloped. This could totally backfire, but more than likely she wants this wedding BAD.
– Time for a heart-to-heart with mom. Face to face. Tell her something is upsetting you and you need her help. You’ve imagined your wedding a certain way, as she probably has too, can she understand why you are upset, especially when she has mentioned taking the money back several times? You’re tired of arguing and feeling like you have to sacrifice, etc. You appreciate all the support very much. Then say “I wonder if there is a way that we both can be happy”? See what ideas come…
– actually elope. I gave in on a few things that my mom wanted, because I was tired of arguing. It made us both happier. BUT, they were small things. If you cannot come to a compromise that you both feel good about, then it might be time for plan B. You want your wedding day to have happy memories!
So sorry! This is stressful, I know!
Post # 15
MagNCheese2014: I read somewhere that especially when you’re planning a wedding that parents are paying for, pick your battles. Basically, choose 3 things that really, really matter to you. On those 3 things, do NOT compromise. Get exactly what you want. On the other stuff? Let it go.
If cocktail hour music (or music in general) is one of your 3 things, then stick to your guns and do what you need to do to get what you want. If it isn’t, let it go. Because at the end of the day, no one is going to remember the cocktail hour music. Save your energy for the things that you really, truly care about.