I love him, I love him not, I DO LOVE HIM

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you need to do some serious soul searching about your relationship and whether or not this is the man for you.

  • As for the house projects: can you offer to help him?  That way you’ll be productive by doing things around the house AND spending time together.  Plus, added bonus, you may pick up some home repair and remodeling skills that could be useful in the future. 
  • Getting mad at him for not spending “more” on your ring while he is paying a huge tax liability and in debt is very selfish.  He obviously did the best he could given his financial constraints.  Given that you know these constraints, I can’t imagine being materialistic enough to suggest he should spen da bit more.
  • If his appearance bothers you this much, try talking to him.  Complaining it on the internet won’t brush his teeth.
  • Go see your friends and family to rechrage, and stop drinking your problems away.  It’s not healthy.

I think that some of these problems you mention are self-created, or at least, made worse by your reactions.  If you would just sit and talk to him about some of these issues, I think as lot of them could be resolved, or their intensity could be lessened.

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I just read your second update and my thoughts finally came together and how I wanted to respond to all of this.

With regards to your ring being “used,” the only thing he used was the diamond. Maybe his finances really weren’t the best at the time of his proposal and he didn’t want to tell you. He took the diamond, that he may never have been able to afford again, and put it in a setting that he picked out just for you. It is extremely unfair of his brother and friend to point out how small your ring is. My fiance could have proposed to me with a ring pop and I would have said yes and I would have been estatic.

I understand the beard thing to. My fiance is currently growing his out and as much as I don’t care for it. It is his face, his hair and his body. I would be super super pissed if he started telling me what I should and should not be doing with my makeup, hairstyle and my body.

Like the PP suggested, I would talk to him. He probably doesn’t realize that he is working so much and not spending enough time wiht you. Maybe suggest having an at home date night once a week, where you guys have dinner, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Also, if you are feeling lonely, pick up some new hobbies. Learn to knit, read a book you have always wanted to read.

Post # 6
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m wondering, if because we have the house now, and are going through all of these financial adjustments, and stresses, the fact he’s working so much, that if that is why I feel like this?

Yeah. Pretty much this. We go in phases in relationships and financial strain and stress and new journeys can bring out the best and worst in us. My poor DH was about to go bananas when I was in grad school because of not only the financial hit, but the amount of time and energy it drained from me. Now the tables are turned and he’s the  one in grad school and  I’m 10 weeks pregnant. Double whammy of stress. We’ve canceled several vacations to make a better choice for us as a family. It sucks but I’m not bitter about it. He made those sacrifices for me too.
 
Stress hits and you can choose to either make the best of it and be supportive or you can wallow in it. And it does sound a bit like you are wallowing. This is just a phase, and with some perserverance and a little bit of taking a different perspective on it, that your FI is trying to work more than likely to make a better life for you and for him so that you are not burdened by his debts and that he is contributing more and more to the family unit you are starting together.
 
As far as the ring… I guess I can see your point to some degree but again, I have to ask, would you rather he spent money on something he couldn’t afford or put that money towards a home and his debts? I don’t think your seeing the big picture.

Post # 9
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@yappygabby:  Aww I just mentioned you in the other thread you posted on. 

I gotta be honest – if the beard and teeth brushing is really that big of a turnoff, he needs to know. You can tell him in a nice, but firm way that you love him, WANT to be attracted to him, but these things are barriers to preventing that. If he’s laughing off the teeth brushing thing, then he’s probably already a little bit embarassed about it… 

With as bothered as you are by the beard… I would have broken down with a “Babe, I love you, but I do not love your facial hair. Imagine if I just let my lady-bits get covered in a giant bush and you had to wade through it every time you wanted a kiss. Yeah that’s me but with your face. Can we compromise with a bit of grooming and trimming?”

I’ve always been under the impression that men will immediately elliminate any and all barriers to sexy times, and if he can figure out how big a barrier the beard and teeth brushing are, then he should be ready to get them the eff outta the way! 

 

Post # 10
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@yappygabby:  I think that despite these tough months, the fact that you still love him and want to work on the relationship is great. Owning a home and fixing a home aren’t two easy tasks. Sounds like he’s made big progress on the house, what other projects do you guys have left? Can you guys work on them together? Planning a wedding will also be stressful and you’ll want his input. My only concern for you is that you did talk to your FI about your frustration, and he didn’t change. That’s a red flag, either he didn’t agree with you or he recognized but didn’t care to change. 

In regards to the diamond. If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way. He could have gotten you a new diamond (not necessarily bigger or more expensive) but maybe a different shape. I don’t think it’s the matter of size or monetary value, but knowing that it belonged to someone, namely his ex-fiance. Try not to compare your ring to others’, but see your situation and the reason why he just replaced the setting. Try to understand where he is coming from, maybe he has a rational reason. 

I’ve been married a little over a year and I can’t express how happy I am. I see my husband, who has this infinite capacity to love and I can’t confess enough how undeserving I am of him. He’s my rock, my confidant. We lived together 3 years prior to getting married and I don’t think the transition to married life was anything transformative. If anything, we’ve grown to be more mature and understanding of each other as husband and wife. 

Financial stress is consuming, but I think instead of bottling your anger and irritation, you need to talk to your fiance. Sweeping it under the rug won’t help you in the long run. I hope everything works out for you, and happiness is on the horizon. 

Post # 11
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with the PP who said that you should try to get involved with what he is doing around the house. You don’t necessarily need to become a carpenter or lay cement, but maybe just being around and helping him with the odd jobs will make things better. It’s possible that he feels that you aren’t doing your fair share in fixing up the house, and maybe that’s getting to him. 

As for the beard thing I can sympathize with you. I HATE beards, but from time to time my SO likes to grow one. I’ve told him before that I think he needs to maintain it just to continue to look professional in the work place. He’s never grown it for months at a time, but it tends to look bad after about a week or two of not shaving. There’s not much you can do about it short of cutting it off while he sleeps. I second the PP who said they do not want their SOs telling them how to wear their hair or do their make up, so it’s no different for a beard. My SO knows I’m not a beard girl, so I am less likely to initiate anything with him when he has one, so he usually trims it down. It’s the same that I know my SO doesn’t like when my hair is super duper long, so I make sure to keep it a length that both of us like it. 

Also, I know it’s a general rule of thumb that you should brush your teeth twice a day, but some people just don’t feel like it’s necessary. I HAVE to brush my teeth twice a day. My breath is terrible before I go to bed, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep. On the other hand, my SO’s breath isn’t that bad morning or night, so he can get away with only brushing once a day. Neither of us have ever had any cavities, so we must be doing something right.

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