- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
Hi, my name is Berry and I have control issues…
Not the cute type of controlling –like needing my clothes to be arranged from light to dark colors- I’m talking about the destructive controlling that keeps me awake at night disturbed.
I’m 2 months shy of having been married for a year, and this past year I’ve gone from arguing about our different sex life, not being able to deal with my husband and porn, getting addicted to snooping on my husband’s computer which got ugly and turned into addicted to checking my husband’s behavior on the nanny cam and finally done to me not leaving the house when my husband is around to make sure he doesn’t have a chance to watch porn. As you can see I haven’t been able to deal with porn in a healthy way. I’m not a religious person and I’d be a hypocrite to say porn bothers me becomes it degrades women, it’s nothing about that, I just feel jealous and don’t like him “virtually” getting off with other women.
You might wonder where is my husband in this. When I first found porn on his computer we had very long talks about it every couple of days (seriously). The first few conversation were calm, and he reassured me that nothing was wrong with our sex life and it wasn’t replacing anything. But after too many talks that were just repeating myself things got heated. I wanted an ultimatum and to force him to stop but he didn’t feel like he was doing anything wrong and didn’t want to. I got addicted to snooping into his computer (which he caught many times) if you read my older posts you’d see how pathetic I have been. After a long time of knowing I was snooping he got fed up and we had the biggest argument. I told him I wanted a better sex life and for him to stop watching porn. He told me he wanted me to stop messing with his computer, he will keep the porn on the DL and he’ll improve our sex life. In addition to that my husband started keeping doors of his “man cave” open at all times. I wasn’t 100% happy with the negotiation but I felt like there has been endless communication about it and this is probably the most my husband is willing to do.
I sought a lot of advice from my parents, but after ongoing whining my dad begged me to drop the issue for the sake of my sanity. His reason was if I get so worked up because my husband finds other women than me attractive and get so pissed off by the thoughts that might come into his head even if he doesn’t act on it, then my life would be miserable. My mind would be occupied by wondering what my husband was thinking every time a women walked by. My mom though not fond of porn even said I should not go looking for what my husband does in his free time/when I’m not around. As long as he’s not cheating the rest is not really my business. When she found out about me checking the nanny cams she begged me to try talking to someone (a shrink that is).
I disappeared for a while to get some therapy. But many counselors, hours and dollars later, I am getting so impatient why I’m not feeling any better or how I can get into a healthier mindset. I don’t feel like the counselors are telling me anything helpful as how to move forward. The most helpful conversation that got me thinking was from my younger brother which went like this:
Brother: “Berry, I feel so sorry for you.”
Me: “I know! My husband just doesn’t listen to me!”
Brother: “No, I’m sorry that you can not be happy until you can control other people’s actions- which in fact out of our control. You’re making that chain you down and not able to go out and enjoy all the nice things in life.”
I was shocked to hear that for the first time and demanded my brother to explain. He went on how all my life I always got my way to the last detail, the spotlight was always on me. All siblings and cousins would just let me boss them around because everything was a big deal to me and a little deal to them.
After serious thought I agree with him. I see other successful career women enjoying hard work and I want to do that but feel held back. I feel like I worked very hard throughout my twenties and when I hit thirty I just gave up and decided my life would be dictated by my insecurity. I’m so sick of not going outside and doing something meaningful. I feel like I made myself my own prisoner and I can’t get out. I’m so depressed and frustrated. Thank you for listening to the long complaint!