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I once posted a thread asking for advice about porn and strip clubs. I won't say I've mastered the issue but I have learned some valuable advice from some of my best girlfriends. That is, no one should occupy so much time, thought and energy in your life more than you have for yourself. Yes you are in a relationship but if all your energy is focused on another that's not you it's not healthy. All the energy spent worrying, planning your life around watchdogging your SO is very tiring and you should spend it more on what you want in life.
I'm not being judgemental here but this advice was the one that opened my eyes to stop feeling to bothered by the actions of my SO. I trust him and try to keep that in mind and not get worked up by the little things. It's hard and I'm not totally there yet but that chould be a good start.
Good luck!
Ok... you may certainly have a control issue.. espicially if it's been since your childhood (which your brother pointed out)
BUT...
I don't think having a problem with your husband looking at porn is a control issue. I think it's merely being a woman.
I know you said you're not a religous person but really.. God did not make a woman to "compete" with another for the sexual rise of thier husband.
Your husband clearly has an addiction and is in denial about it considering he doesn't think it's a problem.. other than too you.
I don't agree with your parents counsel AT ALL... there is no reason you should feel like you're wrong for having this insecurity
The problem is.. today's society has completely accepted things like porn and masturbation BUT in reality it takes for the intimacy of a marriage.. violates it's trust.. and can destory it.
I suggest you seek counsel maybe at a local church... I know you're not religious.. but there aren't many avenues outside of that that agree with this behavior as wrong.
Mind you I've never been told I have a control issue... but I can totally understand the snooping as my ex-husband didn't see anything wrong with porn or any kind of defiled sex life... I was constantly checking where he has his magazines to see if they were moved, etc... and even listened when he was in the bathroom for what seemed "too long".... AND even caught him in the act after we had had sex like 6 times that day. It was terrible... and I was made to feel like I was the one with the problem...
BUT....
I wasn't. That behavior is wrong and destructive seek other counsel TOGETHER! set boundaries and tell him that whether HE thinks it's wrong or not it HURTS you and that should be reason enough for him to seek help in not doing that!
I feel for you! And hope this helps AT ALL....
I forgot to say, another good advice I heard regarding this issue was "it's only a big deal if we make it one".
Thank you for the helpful comments.
@ms scarlet, I read your post. Many of the bees advice were really helpful as to understand how not to see it as a big deal.
@amnystik, I really really appreciate your advice. Unfortunately my husband is not catholic, I'm not really either and I don't feel right to all the sudden impose a rule from a different religion that happens to be convenient to my arguement. I envy you for being religious and sticking to your guns though! If we were catholic I would definitely seek help from a church!
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
I agree with amnystik. I also think that you should try to include him in some marital counseling. Counseling together and apart would be good for both of you. They do have counselors that specialize in this type of thing. If I were you, I would seek the counsel of one of those.
If counseling doesn't work, I am sad to say, but you may need to rethink your relationship, so you can find yourself again and be happy with yourself.
Sounds like you need more therapy, not more advice from weddingbee.
Now that you've had an epiphany and realized/accepted your control issues, maybe therapy will be more fruitful. You can't be helped until you want the help, and it sounds like you're at that point.
I'm glad that it sounds like your controlling behaviour hasn't alienated loved ones, and they care enough about you to be truthful with you.
Good luck!
Oh sweetie I'm not catholic!
I just believe the bible! and What Jesus said!
Being religious doesn't mean a whole lot these days.. rather I like my relationship with the REALLY BIG God that just so happened to make the universe AND me (every single part)
You can find a local non-denominational/protestant church in your area and believe me.. THIS is what the church is for!
My mom started doing like a life coaching in our church and the people she counsel generally aren't part of our church OR any church.
Don't let not being "religious" stop you from that counsel..... a sound "bible-teaching" church is going to be the best place for you to get counsel AND has alot more experience in this area of marriage than you would think.
ALSO a really great FAMILY/MARRIAGE pastor is Joe McGee... He has TONS of video/cd teaches on marriage and you can get those without ever setting foot in a church
http://joemcgeeministries.netfirms.com/bookstore/nfoscomm/catalog/index.php
He's FUNNY, practical, and biblical and probably like NOTHING you've ever seen of a teacher in church...
It certainly can't hurt ;)
@bug-in-a-rug, I know coming to a chat board is not the best way to deal with this as everyone has different acceptance regarding this but I'm just so fed up with therapy. I just see so happy couples I was hoping I could get some inspiration of how they can let go (to those women that are ok with it).
@amnystik: She never says her hubby has an addiction. However, your ex, based upon what you have said, actually had an addiction. MsBBerry's DH doesn't sound like he has an addiction. She has to figure out a way to come to terms with his behavior and what she is going to do about it. Now if my DH watched porn and I didn't like it and it continued I would surely be upset. But, I would not resort to snooping. Because her behavior is likely alienating her from her husband. Which simply perpetuates the problem. I know people who are steadfast against their BF, FI, or DH's watching porn, but usually it doesn't result to snooping nor does it result in the kind of turmoil she is enduring. A wise person once told me that if I wanted to be treated in a certain way, I would have to treat others in that same manner. If I want something from someone, the burden is on me to show them what I want. Not simply control the situation to get what I want. I beg she really wants intimacy with her DH.
@MsBBerry: I am sorry you are feeling so down about everything lately. Unless their is something else going on between you and your DH that makes you believe he is using porn as some sort of outlet, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Try to focus on what you want for yourself. You mentioned your difference in sex lives and I am not sure if that is about the porn or just between the two of you. You also mention your DH promised to make sex life better for you both. No one can make your sex life better for you. You kind of have to know what you want and be able to act upon it. Husbands are different creatures than wives and they don't read minds or know what we want. Sometimes they think they know...but they really only know what we tell them. I encourage you to continue seeking help. It doesn't have to be with a counselor unless you think you should. I also agree couples therapy may be helpful too. You have to dig down deep to figure out what about his porn watching don't you like and tell him. Often men tend to think we women just feel the way we feel because we are women, not because we have valid reasoning. Unfortunately because you are the one who is expressing concern the burden is on you to show him what really concerns you.
Good luck to you and your hubby. I know you two can get over this hump.
I am not married yet, but I went through a similar situation with my man. I just felt really unwanted when he went to the strip club (once lol) and was watching porn. Honestly I think it is just a man/woman difference, men appreciate a soft body, and it doesn't mean they are cheating by looking. The compromise we came up with was... If he wants to go to a strip club I go with him. That way I can see he really isn't doing anything wrong. I watch porn with him now to. And while we don't do these things very often, it has definately spiced up our sex life (there are women friendly porn flicks) and a new type of trust between us.
Personally I think that you and your husband really need to go to couples therapy. I also think that you need to make sure you are in the right type of therapy - whether it be psychoanalysis therapy or something like behavior modification therapy or whether it is just a talk therapy where you can just have an outlet and sounding board for your daily frustrations. Therapy is really really hard work and it is not something you can do half heartedly.
I have a couple of questions for you -
Does the porn change the person you married?
Does your worrying about the porn change the person you are?
Does the porn make you love you husband less?
Does the porn make you love yourself less?
Does the porn make your husband love you less?
Aside from the porn are you happy in your relationship? In other words are their other problems and is the porn just becoming the arguing point for other issues?
I think your parents and family are just trying to help you and are being as supportive as they can.
I also think that at somepoint in life you just have to move on. My mom was really ill when I was younger and my dad dumped a lot of the responsibility on me. I was 16 and the primary care giver for my mother. I was angry for a long time and really screwed up. It didn't matter how many apologies or compromises were made to me. I was not able to let it go. Then I realized that I was dragging this issue around with me and it was truly inhibiting me from living a full life. It took years of therapy to get me past my resentment for not being able to make my dad take on more responsibility than he did. You cannot change other people you can only change yourself.
Regarding therapy, you said that you had tried "many counselors." Really, therapy works best when you stick it out with the same counselor (therapist, psychologist, whatever) for the long haul - not washing your hands of it after a few sessions and trying out someone new. It may be that the same control issues you have in your marriage will also make it really hard to let go of the control enough to really engage in therapy with a counselor; in a sense, things will be out of your hands for awhile, and that might be the most important part of the therapy.
What types of insecurities do you have about yourself, and your sexual attractiveness to your husband? You mentioned that a huge part of this is your jealousy, and that is definitely something you can work on by bolstering your own self esteem.
Finally, this is the tough love part, I can't imagine being married to someone like you. I would be out the door in a second if I felt policed in my own home. You're stalking your husband! Does he know the extent of what you're doing to him? How would you feel if he was watching you secretly on a nanny-cam all day?!?!
I'd ask your doctor if anti-depressants are appropriate for your situation. I've been in a similar position and most of it was chalked up to a major hormonal imbalance. You'd be surprised how much of your life is dictated by hormones. There are medications that help.
@MsBBerry
I agree that your brother's advice was sound. I think its probably a good idea for you to seek more counseling. I think you should also spend some time working on yourself. Take a class or start a hobby or focus more on your career... etc. You sound like you're going through a period of insecurity in your life (not surprising since you just got married) and the fact that your husband watches porn is feeding your insecurities.
It sounds like your husband has tried to improve the situation by keeping his online habits on the DL and by keeping his door open. Snooping is definitely not healthy for you and I hope that you've stopped. I'm like you and MsScarlet in that I really hate porn. I didn't used to... I didn't mind when other old boyfriends watched it and I used to be cool with my FH watching it but at some point I started to feel really hurt by it for some reason. I eventually told him how I felt and now he pretty much makes sure that I don't find anything on his computer. This works for me - I don't have to see it or think about it and he gets to keep watching it!
Overall I think that you need to work on yourself for you to start feeling any better. And I agree with edisonsgirl that improvements on your sex life need to start with you. You should spend some time doing sexy things by yourself - masturbate more, get some toys, watch some women-centered porn or read some erotica (personally I haven't found any good videos, but I've enjoyed some written stories!) It might help you realize that thinking about sex and having sex by yourself is fun sometimes. And just because the guy in the video/story/fantasy isn't your husband specifically, doesn't mean that you don't love your husband or want to be with him anymore. And it works the same way for him. Anyways, as I said, I've struggled with these issues myself and some of these things have helpled. Good luck!
So... I really wonder when/why it became so accepted for this behavior...
It's so saddening.
But I'm sorry... THINKING about another woman to receive gratification IS CHEATING!
Our sexuality is for bonding between and husband and wife... when your husband is doing this to imagry for gratification he is BONDING with that!
This bevhavior is dis-honoring... and I don't mean about how "porn lowers a woman's worth" I mean to the man's wife! Thinking about another person to gratify oneself completely takes the thought of someone that should be held in high esteem and says "well this for now is better"
It says that anytime I feel an impulse I should be able to achieve a release..... Question: If I had any impulse to have more money would it be accepted for me to go steal it?... NO... just because this is written in 'law" does not mean that it's not "stealing" to receive gratification.
I think it's very selfish and keeping something on the DL is lying and deceitful.
IDK why this behavior is accepted at all and have to disagree that ANY woman should just put it out of site or out of mind.
This is NOT what we were meant to have for intimacy between each other.
EDIT:
I want to make a "scenerio"
Lets say that you're out dong errands and you pass by an AMAZING GORGEOUS guy... You say nothing to him... finishing you tasks in the store still thinking about how good looking he really was...
You get home... get your things put away and then start to gratify yourself thinking about him... wondering
how he looks under his clothes.. how his skin feels.. how he could satify you...
and you proceed to fully achieve an orgasm thinking about this...
My question is really how much different is this from just having brought him home? This is how men fantisize... how she feels to touch/be touch what she'd say do...
Really why is this accepted to bring him home 'mentally" and just 'act' it out when having brought the man home 'physically' would NEVER be ok.
I would say that the behavior of "snooping" sounds MUCH more like the behavior of a spouse whose trust has been violated than someone with a control issue... it is still no way to live and can be very damaging to BOTH parties and the relationship BUT
The man/woman that snoops on a "thought to be cheating" spouse is widely accepted b/c they've been violated... this really isn't all that different.
Counsel is a MUST for both parties and a consensus has to be made and so does compromise from both to build back that trust and intimacy.
@amnystik
I can understand where you are coming from - but it all depends on your personal values (religious or otherwise...) If you have a look at Ms Scarlet's thread about porn/strip clubs you'll find lots of women who are 100% comfortable with their husbands watching porn. If you and your partner define cheating as thinking about sexual acts with another person (including porn) then that's fine! Its also OK for people to define cheating only as an actual physical act. The important thing is that the couple agrees on the definition and keeps their promises.
I agree with PrairieGirl. I think women have a choice on how we want to see this, if we can ignore it, see it as an annoying flaw that comes with the guy or if it's a dealbreaker. We can talk about it and address our feelings but after that it's our SO's personal choice to decide what he wants to do with the matter.
One of my favorite eye opening lines from The Five Love Languages is "Love is a choice". It helped me not to get so upset when my SO disaappoints me. I try to look at things as what we do to each other is not because we have to but we choose to.
I also agree with bug-in-a-rug that one can not be helped until they want help. This also means that if MsBBerry's husband doesn't want to quit watching porn, not amount of therapy or talk in the world would make him stop until he actually felt like he wanted to which he doesn't want to because where he comes from (culture, upbringing) porn is not cheating nor wrong but it's personal.
This is coming from someone whom is not happy that her SO views porn either. However, I really think that over coming control issues will make MsBBerry's life happier in general. I just don't think it's healthy to let someone elses' actions bring you down and limit your life so much.
Thank you all for your comments and support. I know I need porfessional help but it still is very helpful to hear all your advice. And please do not mind being harsh, it's something I need to hear. I read all your comments but needed some time to digest and think before I got back to reply to them.
@amnystick, thank you for all your kind words and offer of support. It means a lot to me! You're so lucky to find someone that shares the same values as you!
@edisonsgirl, I don't know what point if called addicted or not, it's not something that happens everyday or even every other so I assume not? But through our talks we have come to some terms of compromise, he agreed to watch less, not masturbate is I was around (I thought that was common sense but seems like not really for guys) unless I rejected him (which I never coz I have the higher drive) and meet my needs more in terms of frequency. As you mentioned better sex life is probably I something I have to figure out and understand what I like. Thank you for your encouragement!
@Miss Mitzie, lucky you that your SO is open! Unfortunately my husband does not feel comfortable watching porn together. I've seen his stuff and it's not freaky or anything just really generic but he just doesn't feel comfortable even though I have invited him to do so.
@Laural, I admit the reason why I changed therapist so many times was I didn't know what I was looking for and what types of therapy was out there and what would work for me. But I should have stuck to them a bit longer before giving up each time. I think I was expecting that I'd just walk in and they could fix my mindset. But as you said therapy is hard work.
I thought about your questions
Porn didn't change the person I married, he was like that when I met him (I just assumed porn goes away when single guys get married).
Worrying about porn changed the person I am in a way that I really hate. I am not the ambitious person I was before, I don't even know what I care about now besides controlling my husband to stop.
Yes, porn makes me mad at my husband and purposly cold and mean to him at random moments.
I'm not sure if porn makes me love myself less.
Porn does not make my husband love me less. Despite I hate porn I still believe it doesnt effect his love for me.
Aside from porn everything else in the relationship has gotten better. We have better communication, we fight less than we used to (excluding fights about porn), we are nicer to each other, and my hubby kept his word in meeting my needs more so I am happier in that department.
@cinnamon, that's a very interesting point as to why therapy has been unsuccessful. I never thought of it that way.
I feel very confident in my sexual attractiveness but not to my husband. It could be because he is so passive sometimes. I have voiced my insecurities and he has been more vocal to complimenting me everytime he can but I don't know why it doesn't make me feel better. Perhaps as long as I know he views porn I just feel like I'm competing.
He can sense that he's being stalked and that causes some serious tension which he'll find a way to lash back. I am really not proud of my stalking and really want to make myself stop :(
@ribbons, thank you for the tip! It's worth looking into if my crazy is triggered by hormones...I'd be so happy.
@Prairie Girl, I agree my husband has been improving from his end. I'm convinced that if I can get pass this hump (of acceptance) we can meet half way and be happy.
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful to hear how others have overcome feeling uncomfortable with this.
@troubled, I was surprised too. When I talked to my brother he opened up and told me has watched as we grow up how things always had to be my way. He's the youngest but I was pretty dominant (and the only girl) in the extended family . Whether it was which cousin can come to the picnic, who sits where in the van, who plays what character, I was bossy and my parents and others would just make sure I had my way to every detail. I didn't really notice it but looking back he's pretty accurate. He told me even events that I wasn't "the star" were planned around me and my convinience and preference. My parents would always tell him "Oh Berry really wants to to XYZ and she feels strongly about it, you're ok right?". If it was just one or two incidents it would be different but it became the norm. I always felt strongly towards getting something a particular way and it had to be granted.
It was pretty hard to hear but got me thinking hard and inspired what I should make my goals in therapy.
@MsBBerry, I'm really glad that you've been able to listen to your brother's comments and re-evaluate your behaviour - this has happened a lot in my family recently, and I think it's really healthy.
Re the porn issue, I think you need to talk this through with your husband and come to some middle ground. Whenever my gut reaction is to stop my FI doing something he wants to do (spend time away from me, get drunk with the guys, pretty much anything that doesn't involve me) I stop myself, and think how would I feel if he tried to take my freedom from me? (Since you've concluded that the way you feel is to do with control, not to do with the actual porn)
Think about how you expect your husband to treat you in terms of your freedoms, and having things your own way, and then try and treat him the same way back. Consciously doing this makes a huge difference to my behaviour, and it might help you a lot.
Have you considered a combination of anti-depressants and therapy? The highest success rates in therapy have been shown when there is a combination of both. I personally have taken anti-depressants and I think that it and having a great therapist really helped me take control of my life again instead of letting anger and rensentment and bitterness rule.
Berry I just wanted to tell you that while it's good you are seeking help for any controlling issues you may have, your feelings about this are NOT abnormal or unhealthy. Some of the behaviors like snooping are, etc, but NOT the feelings of insecurity or wanting it to stop.
There was a great (but very disturbing) documentary made on this topic, I forget the name of it, but we watched it in college as part of a class, and it showed just how destructive pornagraphy is. Research shows viewing pornography over a couple of years actually changes the brain, rewiring neuro circuits etc. The levels of diagnosed PTSD in female performers is off the charts, and so on and so forth. Sex is one of the most intimate, vulnerable acts we do as humans, and it was not meant to be filmed packaged and sold like a consumer product.
From personal expereince I know that control issues can make anyone miserable and please please stay in therapy, it DOES help although not fast enough. It is normal to feel impatient with the process, too. However don't expect that the therapists will be able to make you feel OK about your husband's pornography use. Your ethical compass is just fine, it is not the problem here.
@Magdalena: Yikes, how much would one have to watch for it to change their brain patterns? If you think of the name of that documentary, please post it because that's something I've never heard before! If someone watches so much that it affects their brain pattern, I'm guessing there's a larger problem in their life going on. It sounds like that documentary may have had a bit of an agenda...as most do.
Although I won't argue that female performers are off the charts with PTSD--god they'd have to be--but chances are they were already troubled before they joined the industry.
Get thee to couples counseling now! Unless you work through this TOGETHER, preferably with a professional, it will not get better. I also second Ribbons suggestion about talking to your regular doctor to see if a prescription medication will help you. Good luck!
@Edina I read things on that.. and the scary part is it's only ONE time... AND every time..... Infact the second you see am image the brain chemistry changes to create a network of memory cells and a whole new nueral pattern.
This goes for ANY image so things that are violent/malicious/or sexual very easily desensitze us as humans b/c of these new brain patterns....
It's like the first time it's like "Oh.. what was that?!" And then as more and more nueral circuits are made it because very normal.
Kinda Scary... But Amazing how our brain works.
@amnystik: Oh ok, that makes more sense. Looks like I read a little too much into the first post about it. I guess it would be more troubling if the brain didn't respond to an image!
Have you tried ignorance? I'm not saying permanently, I just mean, have you tried to go 1 week without thinking, talking about or fighting about porn? Maybe try it? Maybe the relief of not walking on eggshells around each other and not being at each others throats constantly and not being worked up and bothered will help you both realize whether or not it is truely an important issue to your relationship?
Not a break from each other. Just a break from what you call "the one thing" that is wrong with your relationship. It could turn out that it's not that big of a thing after all, but since it consumed so much of your life for so long you thought it was. It won't make the issue go away, but it might let you both clear your minds and think about it in a different light.
@Edina: The name of the documentary is "The Price of Pleasure: Pornagraphy, Sexuality and Relationships" and it was created by researchers/scholars from New York University. The website for the film is http://thepriceofpleasure.com/index.html (the site is work safe). It's deeply disturbing stuff.
I know that you spoke to therapists, but have you considered medicine? It might help a lot, I know it can help with irrational and compulsive thoughts. Good luck!
I think in a sense you have a very legitimate complaint. Your husband is not gratifying you as frequently as you would like and 'wasting' his energy on other things - potentially upsetting for most women. Have you tried thinking about whether it's the passivity, lack of effort, that appeals to him sometimes, and whether you can supply that on occasion?
But also, and this is the crux. THIS IS MAKING YOU MISERABLE. Therefore stop focusing on it immediately. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. You love your husband and he loves you - let it go - it's not important right now not in a big picture sense.
Go get a hobby, a new project at work, make a five year and ten year plan for your life, plan the vacation of your life. Something, anything.
@Arachna I think that is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME advice! Getting your mind off of the problem rather than meditating on it all the time.
I recentlly (like in the last couple of days) learned this.... When we say/think/or even pray our problems they will ultimately get bigger.
I think that you doing something to get your mind off of the problem is by no means accepting it or just "turning a blind eye" rather it will help strengthen you to find YOU again considering when we're experiencing trauma we can easily lose ourselves in it.
I'm excited to hear what you find for yourself to focus on.... new hobby's can be so great!... and hey you may find yourself greatly talented at something that you never even knew you could do.... even if it is planning amazing vacations (which I do sometimes lol) ;)
Thank you everyone for all your advice! I disappeared for a few days but I have been reading and think about all your comments. I took @Arachna's & @heysillybabe's advice and tried to distract myself from for a while by taking a free trial membership at a gym and yoga place.
It's not really progress, as my husband is away so I'm not really approaching the issue of hounding him in a new way yet. But I have to say the letting all that frustration and energy go (to dancing/yoga/weights/running/swimming) felt good. I was a bit obssesed and just revolved around the gym for the past few days.
@WhiteRoseRed, that was really really helpful advice. I think what you said is a really fair mindset and my goal is to be able to achieve that somehow.
@laural, @quiche, I'm looking into meds. My therapist unfortunately cannot prescribe medication (I must be seeing the wrong type...) so I'll have to ask my general doctor.
@Magdalena, @amnystik, @Edina, thak you for the links! I have 1001 reasons why I'd love it if my hubby quits porn already that just adds to the list:)
@heysillybabe, your advice was so helpful. Although my hubby is away now but my mind is usually occupied with these negative thoughts even when I'm alone so it was really good to try to "not think about it" and see how it goes. I will def try it when he comes back and maybe just maybe it might be a big deal just because we are making it a big deal.
@Arachna, I personally have always loved your advice (esp when it goes against the mainstream). When I think about it, as much as I want my hubby to quit I'm not 100% sure I would leave my hubby over porn if he still insists. That is if he does his part in making our sex life better...
@amnystick, thank you for your kind words as always:) I think getting my mind off the problem might help me not be so obsessed with it.
Tough one. My FH has been in counseling and couples counseling for a couple of years now. Before that he used to watch porn, I caught him, but since then he doesn't (yes, I do have faith in that :) We see the same therapist both for us individual and also for couples...who can vouch for that and they explore it ....Basically he feels it's unhealthy for him and can't watch it, not just for us, but for himself as well. And that's the thing. Your guy has to honestly want to stop it for himself. But it doesn't sound like he wants to.
For me personally, especially b/c I've seen that it is possible to stop/be absent in a relationship, I don't think there should be porn-watching in a relationship. And NEVER porn watching where there was lying. We see porn as cheating but that's just us. I think it depends on the couple. If the other person knows about it and accepts it, you can say it's not cheating. It's strange because I know a couple of instances of people in healthy marriages, including a couple of male therapists I know, where the man watches porn. But what IS crucial is that the wife knows about it. There cannot be ANY lying about it or sneaking. That's a definite one.
I don't know, it's a tough one. Is it cheating? Some would say yes, others no. But no matter what he CANNOT hide it from you, if that's even what's going on. There needs to be communication around it, and around your sex life, and what it's doing for him, etc. Therapy can work wonders in this area. If he lets you know that he watches porn and is willing to communicate about it and answer your questions, I don't think it's that horrible.
@MsBBerry - I completely sympathize with your post. I could've written this myself a few years ago. I'm insanely jealous in relationships and I have probably suffered more pain from my feelings than any of my partners did. Like you I went to therapy multiple times and achieved nothing. Like you, one of my biggest issues has always been with porn, strippers, gratituous nudity and the like. Things that bother other jealous women like female friends, coworkers etc don't bother me as much. Therapists always tried to tell me the things I'm threated by won't lead to my partner leaving me; and what they just didn't get or believe is that I'm not actually afraid of being cheated or dumped! I mean I always consider this within the realm of possibilities but not a very likely one, I'm actually pretty confident in myself and my relationships. It's just that I'm very passionate in relationships, give myself fully, become completely enamored with the man I am with and expext the same; I just can't bear to share my man with anyone else mentally. It just seems unfair to me he would be looking at others when I'm young and attractive, our sex life is great, and I don't look at other men.
So have I managed to deal with my jealousy? Only partially. My husband still says my jealousy is the only thing he would change about me, but admits I've been better. I feel better because I haven't tortured myself with terrible thoughts or cried myself to sleep in a long time. Here's how:
1. Age. I'm in my mid-30's and somehow have a more relaxed attitude about things. Looks and sex are not my first priorites in life. Guess it's called maturity :)
2. Time. Been in the relationship five years now. With that comes trust (a good thing), decreasing of the intense passion that you had the beginning (sad but true, and helps with controling the intense jealousy that accompanied it), and weariness (tired of fighting the same fights, start picking your battles). Somehow him not cleaning up his mess angers me more now than him watching a sex scene.
3. Realism. Accepting that some things are just fact of life, you cannot change them, and you cannot control them. He is a human being, he will eventually check out someone else on tv or on the street and find them hot, and occasionally fantasize about other people while he's alone and act on it, or worse, do it while he's with me. And this will probably happen more and more often in the future as our relationship gets older. And I will probably be guilty of the same thing.
4. Knowing you're not crazy. Not all your rules and wishes fall into #3 above, there will be some things that are just unacceptable to you even if they're ridiculous to others, and that you don't have to let go of all your values to please other people. For me porn and strippers still fall into this category. I told my husband long before we got engaged that I will never be ok with these things, they hurt me deeply, and that if these are his "thing" then he should move on and find someone else because we can't make each other happy. He accepted, he stayed, and it has never been a problem. He understands this is part of the mutual respect of in our relationship and a rule he would (hopefully) never break unless he wants to lose me.
Wish you the best.
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Hi, my name is Berry and I have control issues...
Not the cute type of controlling –like needing my clothes to be arranged from light to dark colors- I’m talking about the destructive controlling that keeps me awake at night disturbed.
I’m 2 months shy of having been married for a year, and this past year I’ve gone from arguing about our different sex life, not being able to deal with my husband and porn, getting addicted to snooping on my husband’s computer which got ugly and turned into addicted to checking my husband’s behavior on the nanny cam and finally done to me not leaving the house when my husband is around to make sure he doesn’t have a chance to watch porn. As you can see I haven’t been able to deal with porn in a healthy way. I’m not a religious person and I’d be a hypocrite to say porn bothers me becomes it degrades women, it’s nothing about that, I just feel jealous and don’t like him “virtually” getting off with other women.
You might wonder where is my husband in this. When I first found porn on his computer we had very long talks about it every couple of days (seriously). The first few conversation were calm, and he reassured me that nothing was wrong with our sex life and it wasn’t replacing anything. But after too many talks that were just repeating myself things got heated. I wanted an ultimatum and to force him to stop but he didn’t feel like he was doing anything wrong and didn’t want to. I got addicted to snooping into his computer (which he caught many times) if you read my older posts you’d see how pathetic I have been. After a long time of knowing I was snooping he got fed up and we had the biggest argument. I told him I wanted a better sex life and for him to stop watching porn. He told me he wanted me to stop messing with his computer, he will keep the porn on the DL and he’ll improve our sex life. In addition to that my husband started keeping doors of his “man cave” open at all times. I wasn’t 100% happy with the negotiation but I felt like there has been endless communication about it and this is probably the most my husband is willing to do.
I sought a lot of advice from my parents, but after ongoing whining my dad begged me to drop the issue for the sake of my sanity. His reason was if I get so worked up because my husband finds other women than me attractive and get so pissed off by the thoughts that might come into his head even if he doesn’t act on it, then my life would be miserable. My mind would be occupied by wondering what my husband was thinking every time a women walked by. My mom though not fond of porn even said I should not go looking for what my husband does in his free time/when I’m not around. As long as he’s not cheating the rest is not really my business. When she found out about me checking the nanny cams she begged me to try talking to someone (a shrink that is).
I disappeared for a while to get some therapy. But many counselors, hours and dollars later, I am getting so impatient why I’m not feeling any better or how I can get into a healthier mindset. I don’t feel like the counselors are telling me anything helpful as how to move forward. The most helpful conversation that got me thinking was from my younger brother which went like this:
Brother: "Berry, I feel so sorry for you."
Me: "I know! My husband just doesn't listen to me!"
Brother: "No, I’m sorry that you can not be happy until you can control other people’s actions- which in fact out of our control. You’re making that chain you down and not able to go out and enjoy all the nice things in life."
I was shocked to hear that for the first time and demanded my brother to explain. He went on how all my life I always got my way to the last detail, the spotlight was always on me. All siblings and cousins would just let me boss them around because everything was a big deal to me and a little deal to them.
After serious thought I agree with him. I see other successful career women enjoying hard work and I want to do that but feel held back. I feel like I worked very hard throughout my twenties and when I hit thirty I just gave up and decided my life would be dictated by my insecurity. I’m so sick of not going outside and doing something meaningful. I feel like I made myself my own prisoner and I can’t get out. I’m so depressed and frustrated. Thank you for listening to the long complaint!