- 2 weeks ago
Ok, so regular bee here going anonymous. Just need some unbiased thoughts and advice and thought this may be a good way to get that. Just scroll to the end for the TL;DR if this is too long for you! : )
To preface, I am already in therapy, have been going weekly since the beginning of January. My husband & I are also in couples counseling and have been doing that for about 3 months. The goal was for us to work on ourselves individually and then begin couples counseling a few months after individual, but he has only had maybe 2-3 individual appointments (he missed his last 2 as he said he forgot they were scheduled until after the fact, but has one next week–we’ll see if he remembers to go.) The reason we decided to go to couples even though he hadn’t been doing his individual counseling is because we have a deadline of sorts looming–we are scheduled to close on a new contruction house next month. I figured we should probably get this all sorted before then b/c a 30 year mortage is not something I want to enter into if the relationship is not in solid territory.
OK, now onto the meat of the story. When I met my now husband he was a recovering addict (opiates were drug of choice in case anyone is curious). He didn’t tell me this right away, but when he finally decided to let me know after we had been dating for quite a few months, I decided so long as he was in recovery I was OK with it and so long as he was always honest with me we could overcome anything together. (now that I’ve been in therapy, I know my own pathologies that led me to this decision–grew up in a household with an alcoholic and abusive father and my tendencies mirror those of adult children of alcoholics, but I digress) So things were okay for awhile; I felt very much in love, we were always honest with each other and we decided after a few years we wanted to get married. (We’ve now been together a little over 4 1/2 years, got married at about the 4 year mark)
During those 4 years there were some relapses, but he was always honest about them and due to the relapsing we decided that we wanted to move to a bigger city, one where there were more opportunities for his line of work and one where his old connections did not exist. (I underestimated the persistance of an addict when wanting a fix, that is to be sure.) He is perscribed medication to help with the urges he has to use, but it is a medication that can be abused and after we moved to the new city he began absusing it more and more frequently until he got to the point where he ran out of his medication before the next Rx was able to be filled. At that point he just went out, found someone on a street corner and proceeded to score crack.
This went on for over a month without me being aware and during this month we had begun looking to purchase a home. Well, on Christmas day I caught him smoking crack on our back porch before we were about to go visit my family. At that point I told him that he either got help or we got a divorce, one or the other. Maybe ultimatiums are not the best, but you know what, f**k that. I feel perfectly reasonable to have put that on the table.
Fast forward, I catch him smoking 5 more (yes, 5 more times) over the next month, each time he lied about it and I had to drag the truth out of him, but I kept telling myself that I had to give the treatment program time to work, it’s not magic, etc. etc. So then he’s clean for almost 3 months and I catch him again, but that time I told him we were officially separating so that he could work on himself and I could work on myself because there was something wrong with me to have been OK marrying an addict who had been relapsing off and on our entire relationship.
So now he has not used “street drugs” for over 90 days, but the fact remains that he is continuing to abuse his perscription medication. And no matter how many meetings he goes to, no matter how much out patient care he attends, he continues to abuse his medications and that to me tells me that he is not ready to stop getting high. Period.
So onto why I am posting. Can anyone offer any words of advice that will help me to realize not just logically but emotionally that what happens to him after I ask for a divorce is not my fault? I am feeling so badly that I am going to cause him so much pain even though logically I realize that this is not healthy for me.
Also, the two choices he has given me is that I either buy this home with him or we get a divorce (yes, it is laughable). There is no middle ground of say, separating for a year, having him work on himself and then seeing where things are, etc. (even though to be fair, understanding myself better now, I will never want to be with an addict again, someone in recovery or not–no matter how many years clean they have), but even without him knowing that, to him, it is either “I believe in him and will therefore buy this house with him or we get a divorce, he will “resent me forever” and “will never speak to me again”.
Even with all of this being said, the whole situation is incrediby sad. We had plans of retiring together, traveling the world, you know, living our lives and knowing we always had someone there for us in our corner and now I’m choosing to walk away. It’s a hard decision and a sad decision, but ultimately it’s the decision I think is the best one for me.
Any advice of any nature will be welcome. I have already decided that I have to get a divorce and will under no circumstances buy the house cause let’s get real, that’s a f*cking terrible idea; it’s more the emotional stress of how to deal with things if something bad happens to him (you know, like feeling as though it’s my fault even though obviously it’s not) and the stress of eventually having to start all over again after I get to a place where I am ready to do so (I am 33).
Obviously I have codependency issues that I am working on with my therapist and I want to get myself better before getting into any sort of relationship with someone else, but my goodness, starting all over again is quite the daunting thought. However, I know that even potentially being alone forever is better than whatever sham of a marriage is happening right now.
I’m disappointed in myself for not seeing my own issues sooner, but better late than never I suppose. Any encouragement, words of advice, really anything would be helpful right now. I know that marriages are not always sunshine and rainbows all the time, but this is something that is perfectly reasonable to divorce over, right? I mean, yes, I knew in the beginning that he was a recovering addict, but that doesn’t mean I owe him the rest of my life, right?
TL;DR: I married an addict who was in recovery and who has now relapsed. Is it reasonable to get a divorce if after 7 months of treatment and therapy nothing has really changed? Also, any words of advice to help me remember that no matter what happens to him after this is not my fault?