I Married the wrong guy

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@princesstwilightsparkle:  I’m sorry you are struggling. do you think that you may be romanticizing your past with the other guy a little too much? I mean there must have been a reason you broke up other than your friends opinions of Him. Do you love your husband enough to give your marriage a chance? 

Post # 4
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@princesstwilightsparkle:  it doesn’t sound like the amount of time you dated your DH before you got married is the problem. It’s that you let your friends influence your feelings for this other man too much. 

 

You say you’ve talked to this other guy about how you feel but have you talked to your husband? Does he even know you’re unhappy and some things need to change?

 

Post # 5
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

I agree sometimes relationships seem better after you’re done with them. You know, the grass is always greener? It’s hard to believe he is perfect and you left him solely because of what your friends said… Is there anything he did that made you think they were right? Also you realized this when saying your vows so why.have a child with a man you know you don’t love? Hmm..

Post # 6
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Have you tried counselling? I would try a marriage counselor with your husband to work on your relationship issues and a therapist on your own to talk about how you feel.
Out of curiousity, what was it that made all of your friends dislike this other guy in the first place??

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you guys are having those convos, you are already having an emotional affair with this guy. I’m not saying that to flame you, i’m just trying to put this into perspective for you. I think that before you run off with this guy, and romanticize something that was so easy for you to let go, you need to talk to your husband. Give him a chance to fix things….life with this new guy may seem romantic and new, but it’s not going to be like that 24/7. Life and bills and tragedy will get in the way.

Cut this guy out and give your marriage a chance. You owe your husband and son that much.

Post # 8
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@princesstwilightsparkle:  Girls usually don’t tell their friends a guy is a psycho for no reason. What did he do that caused them to say this?

As pps said, I think you may very well be romanticizing the past. You honestly did not date or even know the other guy long enough to know what kind of person he is, and only ever saw the surface level – the honeymoon period – of his personality. Again, what did he do that made your friends dislike him? They may very well have seen red flags you didn’t/don’t, because you were infatuated and never got to the part of that relationship where the nitty gritty comes out.

Either way, the way you are going about this issue is all wrong. You feel that you are a low priority for your husband. That is very problematic, but contacting an old flame is not going to fix that. It sounds to me like you are hoping to open up a door so that you can start cheating on your husband. Sorry, but I just don’t see any other reason for contacting the other guy in the way you did – you are already having an emotional affair with him. This is not going to help your situation at all. 

The person you should be talking to is your husband. Does he know how you feel? Does he know you feel neglected, unloved, and like there is no romance? If not, he needs to. He may have no idea that you feel this way and are unhappy if you have never said so.  Either way, you two really need marital counseling. There are a lot of problems, coming from both you and your husband, that need working on.

Post # 9
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would talk to your husband about the priorities in his life, and maybe try some marriage counseling.  I also don’t understand why if you knew as soon as you started saying your vows, why did you have a child with him?   I could sit here all day long and pick apart DH if I compared him to “the perfect” guy, the one that I left the relationship while it was still new and exciting and nothing hard had happened.  The wedding planning and the ring are the easy parts.  The marriage, compromising, talking and really opening up to someone else is hard.  

Post # 10
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

@princesstwilightsparkle:  Have you considered that maybe you’re just going through a rough patch?

You don’t feel like your husband makes you a priority, but you’re focusing on how your ex always made you feel like his #1…

Things happen once you’re married. I’m just curious why you married him and had his child if you knew deep down he wasn’t the man for you. Are you too much of a people pleaser?

If you knew your ex was “the one” why would you let some friends talk you out of the relationship?? I’m a little concerned about the psychopath/stalker accusations and how you seem to let others pressure you into important life decisions…

Post # 11
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Girls usually don’t tell their friends a guy is a psycho for no reason. What did he do that caused him to say this?” This. Maybe there was a reason you broke up with this guy in the first place, and why you didn’t go back to him over three years of dating your husband?

Also, have you given your husband a chance to change the things that bother you? Have to told him that sometimes you feel like you’re a lower priority than his work, or that you wish he would be more romantic? If you tell him, there’s a good chance he’ll want to work on it.

I agree with the others–this sounds like it may just be a case of “the grass is always greener.” 

Post # 12
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You say you ‘could never leave’ your DH but you think it’s acceptable to emotionally cheat, by messaging the ex, which will probably lead to actual cheating. I think you need to stop being selfish, and make a decision and stick to it. If you love this other guy, sit your husband down, talk it out and leave. If you decide to stay, stop messaging this man, and put the time in with your husband – it might not feel right at the moment, but that’s because you’ve dropped him down to second place. You might say he prioritises his job, but you’re prioritising an EX. Don’t you think that’s worse? If you’re really not happy, and you continue the flirtation with the ex, you’re robbing your husband of a fulfilled, healthy relationship. If you’re straight with him now, he has the chance to move on from you and find someone to be happy with, just as you would be able to be happy with the ex, if he’s the person you want.

 

I’m sorry you’re feeling confused and emotional, and I hope you can make a choice and stick with it, and be happier in the future.

Post # 13
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I am sorry you are so emotionally torn at this.

I would try to go to couples therapy FIRST to help you and DH with your unhappy marriage. Sounds like both of you need to work some things out. He needs to put you and your son on the top of priority list and you need to do the same. Reaching out to another man is not honest and hurtful toward your marriage and DH. If therapy works then problem solved. No more need to romanticize about another man or another life that should have been.

However if this does not work than you should not be with a person who does not make you happy. Perdiod. 

Lastly, do you really want to be with other man? There was a reason to begin with why you felt he wasn’t good enough to be with hence why you were still with your DH at the time. Sometimes the past can feel more romantic until it becomes a reality again. Friends don’t go around calling men Psycho Stalker for nothing. There must be some truth behind those words(compulsive,controlling,creepy,ect.) I know I don’t call my girlfriend’s BF bad names unless the guy deseves the title. Food for thought.

Once again, best of luck on this whole situation. *hugs* There is always a way to get yourself out and be happy.

 

Post # 14
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Marrying your DH after “just 3 years of dating” was a mistake, but you know this guy is the one after dating way less?

I don’t doubt that you have valid complaints about your marriage, but this other guy is NOT the answer. The fact that he would date someone already in a relationship and talk to a married woman like he is says LOADS about his character. Stay far away and seek counseling for your marriage. 

I mean it, stop talking to him today for good, or else you will seriously regret it. 

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

COUPLE’S THERAPY. AND INDIVIDUAL THERAPY. YESTERDAY. 

There is NO way your friends were all wrong about this other guy. I’m sure you are blinded by your infatuation. As others have said, nobody tells a friend that another guy is psycho without having some reasons to say that. I’m 100% certain you are romanticizing him. Does that mean you should have married your husband when you were not in love with him? No. But it does mean that this is not really about these men; it is more about you and what you want and need in your life right now. This other guy is not the answer.

Please seek therapy now to explore what is really going on.

Post # 16
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think this is partly a case of ‘the grass is greener’. The complaints you list about your husband are things that can be worked on. I would bet that if you had married the other guy, you would have seen that he has many of the same faults your husband has.

I understand that being last on your spouse’s priority list is not a good place to be, but it can be fixed. Making his job and money a priority (not the #1 priority, though) is not entirely a bad thing. You don’t want a romantic deadbeat or a fun loser, either.

For your emotional stability, your family and your marriage, I would advise you to stop contacting the other guy. Work on your marriage. You can’t directly change your husband, but you can change yourself and how you deal with the things that are hurting you in the relationship. And then everything else will follow. Give it a try! Stop dwelling on the past.

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