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I think these things are really hard, but I think if your husband really needs you now, and your friend is TRULY giving you the ok (not just like a passive aggressive "I understand"), then you should stay home.
But I think the BEST solution is to try and find some sort of compromise. Maybe she would be so happy to have you there period, that you can skip the rehearsal dinner Friday, and just have someone come check on your husband twice during the day on Saturday (although I have no idea how long it takes to get between these two places). But if it's really impossible - obviously his health is the MOST important thing.
This is a tough one but in no way do I think you would be a "bad" bridesmaid if you needed to stay and take care of your husband after so many horrible injuries. If it's possible for you to go (emotionally and physically), I would. If not, then it's ok!
@Gardener:Obviously if that happened at your wedding and you didn't freak out y'all are both pretty good brides and good friends. There is NO WAY I would ever expect one of my girls to show if something like this happened to her! If she's really a good friend, she is more concerned for you and your husband's health than her wedding :) I say don't go and buy her something really nice as a gift (maybe something on her registry that was a long-shot, or something personal you know she will love).
yikes! maybe poll it? i'm up in the air - if you think you can peel yourself away, friday-saturday might be a good option. it depends on if you think you will enjoy yourself and not be a debbie downer. who knows, maybe you'll be able to relax a bit. ... or you'll just be really stressed! think about your past reactions to stressful situations and if you can handle it emotionally or not. she obv understands that this is a big deal and you're not trying to flake, so don't worry about disappointing her!
I don't think you're a 'bad bridesmaid' for wanting to tend to your recovering husband. I agree with the PP, if you can swing fri night/leave sat after the wedding, great. If she is fine with you just coming on Sat, that works as well. And if you can't make it, spoil her a bit and maybe include a nice letter or something for her (maybe even send her a surprise card/gift to her honeymoon destination if you can swing it).
IMO, BM who throws a fit about a fabric not being the most flattering or the flowers being ugly to her = Bad BM. BM who makes a thoughtful decision about caring for her recovering husband and being there for her best friend = great BM in a tough spot. Don't be hard on yourself, you sound very thoughtful.
I think you need to stay with your husband. You are by no means a "bad bridesmaid" for having to bail on her wedding. I'm sure if the situation was reversed she would do the same thing, I think anyone would.
If the wedding was local and you would only be gone for 6 hours then I would totally still do it but leaving your husband while he's in that kind of condition is a bad idea, IMO.
If anything you will probably be super stressed the whole time, wondering if he's okay and if his needs are being taken care of.
You aren't opting out because you are selfish, you are opsting out because you HUSBAND was just in the hospital. Meaning? If she says it is okay and you have explained to her how badly you want to be there but feel you can't and she has given you the OK then you are fine. I would make sure to do something for her at a later time just to show her she really does matter and you really do wish you could have been there. Just as an extra "I love you" to her.
My dad had that same set of injuries after a bike accident a few years ago, almost exactly (6 ribs, clavicle, scapula, and pneumothorax) - he was hospitalized for 3 days until they took out the chest tube and then was home on pain meds.
I realize you are an RN so are totally familiar with recoveries like this, but after seeing what my dad went through, I'd say stay home. He couldn't get in and out of bed, was in SO much pain, so really needed her there (and I think her.. not just another relative to 'sit'). If this had happened 2 weeks ago, I'd say go to the wedding, but under the circumstances, I'd say stay :( Or can you go just for the day, so he doesn't have a night alone?
I don't think in any way this makes you a bad bridesmaid. Being that she has given you the 'go-ahead' to back out of the wedding, it shows she really understands the rough situation you are in.
I agree with Caitmarae, you will probably just worry about him the whole time if you go. If I were in the situation I would stay at home with my husband. He needs you right now, and you would probably feel more comfortable at home keeping an eye on him.
do you have any friends good at AV? maybe you could video a toast for her, so she knows you are there in spirit. I would get all dolled up in your BM dress and video it, then even if she doesnt want to show it at the reception she will have your well wishes and memories there to support her on her special day!
Bees!!! Thank you so much for your input - it is really helping to put things in perspective!!
MissBoston - hearing about your father's experience has really helped to solidify my decision to stay by hubbies side. I may try to swing Saturday in San Francisco for the wedding, but I really don't want to be away for very long.
Again, THANK YOU!!
I don't think you're a bad bridesmaid at all. The very fact that you're worrying about being a bad bridesmaid after your husband was so badly hurt proves that.
I don't know what to tell you to do in this situation, but whatever happens, it sounds like the bride will understand, and I don't think you'll be a "bad bridesmaid" at all.
Oh my goodness! First, I'm so glad your husband is okay (or as okay as can be right now). He's very lucky he wasn't hurt worse. Second, if you were my BM I would be insisting that you DO stay home and take care of him! My goodness, it's not like he has chicken pox or something, the man was in a accident and required hospitalization! I honestly and truly think your friend will be very understanding of your situation with not having anyone else to come take care of him, etc.
I think the idea of the video toast is absolutely lovely and I'm sure she would love that surprise. If you can't swing that, I would write a little toast and ask another bridesmaid to read it for you. You are absolutely not a bad BM!!!
I think if it were me, I would try to go up just for Saturday. It kind of sucks, but it's a short enough flight that you can do it. However, you're in no way a bad bridesmaid if you decide to just skip it altogether and it sounds like your friend is understanding.
I also want to urge you to take up your friends' offers to help. I completely understand not wanting to burden other people, but if they're offering, then they probably really mean it. Good luck to you both!
If I were your friend I would completely understand if you had to 'bow out of the wedding'. If she loves her future hubby as much as you love yours, she will understand your desire to be by his side after his accident.
Wow, I don't think you have to worry about this at all! He is badly hurt, and though ok, it's totally normal for you and he both to want you nearby. That's marriage (ironic!). I would be bummed to miss the wedding and disappoint my friend (not in a nasty way - just that of course she'll miss you being there), but it wouldn't even be a question in my mind. Crap happens.
I'm glad he's ok!!! So scary...
ETA: I love the idea of a video toast in your BM dress - cute!
@Gardener: Oh good, I'm glad to have helped - that was spooky reading your hubbie's list of injuries. Hope you both are doing okay!! Definitely keep us updated.
I'm a two-wheel rider myself, so my thoughts go out to your hubby! I hope his recovery goes well, and they give him some really good stuff for pain.
I don't think you're a bad bridesmaid, I think you're a good wife. Husband should come before friends pretty much all the time, and your friend obviously knows this. I'd just stay home if it were me.
I"m so sorry to hear about your husband and my response is that I think you should stay home and take care of him. The first week is probably going to be the worst for him and he really needs you right now. I"m sure by now you've participated in showers, bach parties, etc. for your friend - it's not like you've missed everything. And of course you didn't plan on this happening, but if it's a choice between your husband and your friend I say husband.
I agree with everyone else. Your husband is the most important person in your life now. Your friend will have plenty of other people there with her on her wedding day. Don't feel bad about it at all!
I LOVE the idea of the video toast. That is awesome. I would really try to do something like that.
But I definitely don't think you are a bad bridesmaid by any stretch of the imagination.
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Short story -
I am a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this Saturday (Nov 6th.) Unfort, by husband had a motocross accident on Sunday and ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, three broken ribs, broken sternum, and fractured clavicle. He has been admitted (mostly for the chest tube to help the punctured lung - if it weren't for that, he'd prob home on pain meds.) He'll most likely get discharged tomorrow (Thursday), pending that he does ok without the chest tube. I've already told the bride that my hubbie won't be coming - he's in no shape, and flying is a no-go shortly after a pneumothorax (we live in San Diego, the wedding is in San Francisco.)
The bride has given me the go-ahead to cancel my participation in her wedding, but I am struggling with actually doing that... the bride is one of my closest friends, and I don't want to disappoint her. I remember getting very 'ego-centric' around my own wedding...
My hubbie and I don't have any family out here - all family on both sides is on the east coast. Naturally we do have friends out here, but nobody close by where we live. While everyone is offering to help in any way they can, I don't want to inconvenince anybody to "babysit" my husband for the weekend while I go away to the wedding (plus we have a seven month old german shepard puppy that is a friggin handful!.) In addition, I am a RN, so I feel as though I am the only one qualified to care for him - yes, I am being a bit controlling in that regard...)
So, what do you think? Just find somebody to stay with hubby while I go to San Fran Friday-Sunday?
Change plans to Friday-Saturday (Friday -rehearsal dinner, Saturday - wedding, then leave right after ceremony to come home?)
Cancel trip to SF given the situation?
Phew that was longer that I thought...
**A bit more to the story - the bride was my maid of honor at my wedding three months ago... Unfort, she discovered there was a job training she needed to be at the day after my wedding, so she ended up having to leave my wedding right after the wedding ceremony so she could fly to Chicago (we found out abt a month before my wedding...) It was a bit of a bummer, but it wasn't the biggest deal in the world. (I wonder if that made sense to anybody...) ;)