I may have ruined everything by speaking up about my ring.

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 2
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

You were not wrong to express your feelings. You were kind and careful in your choice of words and I think it would have been more wrong for you to keep quiet when this is something that is important to you.

One person in a relationship does not get to decide that “there’s nothing to discuss.” He’s not in charge. I would urge you to tell him that there IS something to discuss, and that if he refuses to discuss it in a reasonable, calm manner until the two of you can come to an agreement on what’s happening between you, then I think you have no other option but to walk away. Trust me when I tell you that if he won’t talk to you about your mutual relationship, it’s not a relationship that will stand the test of time.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

Post # 3
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think the problem is chauvenism (because I’m definitely a girl and also happen to share your FI’s views), but I think you two have a big problem with communication.  If you cannot discuss problems, then you should absolutely not get married.  I’ve seen it happen, and it doesn’t end well.

Frankly, I disagree with most bees on here who say that you should tell your FI if you don’t like a ring.  It’s a gift, and I wouldn’t say I didn’t like it any more than I would tell my grandmother I hated the dolls she very lovingly gave me for Christmas for years.  It just isn’t polite, and frankly, there are bigger battles to fight in life.  Besides, that’s what upgrades and anniversary rings are for!

Anyway, I’d forget the ring if I were you and just be happy you’re engaged, but I would definitely, definitely do whatever you need to to fix this communication problem.  

Post # 4
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

SunnierDaysAhead:  I think you will get mixed opinions on if speaking up is right or wrong.  I, for one, believe that transparency is key in relationships, whether it be related to teeny tiny issues, or bigger ones.  At the end of the day, I think everyone WILL agree that entering into marriage with him is what matters, no matter what symbol is given, or not.  However, in your case, you are not DEMANDING anything, but rather asking where you go from here 🙂

Your FI’s reaction to your gentle conversation was immature.  I understand his feelings may be hurt, under the pretense he wanted to surprise you, and it was his grandmother’s ring, but yet, he did not make a very good argument that the ring he chose out of her jewelry box meant a whole lot to him emotionally (compared to a family heirloom given to him to propose one day, etc).  

I think if an engagement ring is given, it should reflect both the woman and the man, and it sounds like this one does not.  And yet, he deserves a big pat on the back for wanting to be romantic, and surprise you with a proposal as well.  (FWIW, my DH completely surprised me as well.  He custom designed my ring, and put a ton of time into doing it. He asked me a few times if I loved it, and said he would get it re-set if I did not.  Luckily, I LOVE it…)

Your FI sounds as if he does not, nor is willing to change it.  If being engaged to him is what you want, then dropping the issue, and wearing the ring he gave you may be the best course of action.  Maybe you can compromise on adding a halo to that specific ring, to reflect you both.  He owes you an apology either way for his abrupt reaction.  This stinks for you, I am sorry 🙁

Post # 5
Member
6875 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

You need to call him and ask him where you stand as a couple and if he really wants to lose his future with you over a ring. Tell him mature adults that are about to enter into marriage should be able to share any and all feelings with one another without being chastised and treated like a child. And there shouldn’t be a looming threat that he can just walk out on you anytime you guys have a disagreement. I’d be worried that in marriage he would constantly threaten you with a divorce or leave for long periods of time with no communication when you guys have disagreements.

You need to reach some sort of compromise – maybe wear the ring during the engagement (after it is resized) and instead of a wedding ring pick a new e-ring to be married with or something along those lines…

Post # 6
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

SunnierDaysAhead:  could he be acting aloof now, because he bought you a new ring?

I don’t think you were wrong, either. Listen, men aren’t stupid. They have seen movies, or witnessed their buddies getting engaged; have been subjected to advertising and him thinking a right hand ring from grandma, was perfect for you was sweet in a way, but horribly incorrect. 

Tell him you love him. Tell him you want your very own ring to symbolize that love to the world.

Post # 7
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I honestly don’t get men who don’t at least try to determine their fiancee’s preferences when buying a ring.  While I agree it is generally rude to tell someone you don’t like a gift, you never have to wear that ugly sweater from your MIL.  You just thank her and put it in closet.  Maybe take it out when she comes to visit.  An engagement ring is something you wear every single day and taste in jewlry is very subjective.  I get annoyed with Bees who think their perfectly good diamonds are too small, but I feel for those who are being asked to wear a piece of jewelry they do not like.  My husband picked my stone and I had no idea what size it was going to be until he proposed (actually, I thought it was going to be smaller, and I was fine with that), but we looked at settings together and we discussed shapes of diamonds we BOTH liked.  I hate princess and marquise.  I think it was important for him to know that.  We both decided we like RBs in very simple settings.  Thank GOD he communicated with me.  I am not shallow.  I’d have been happy with 1/2 carat….:-)  It wasn’t about size, but it was about taste and having something we both love.

I do agree about being able to communicate better before you marry!

Post # 8
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Is he 5 years old? I would expect that behavior of a 5 year old, but not a mature adult. Definitely sit him down for a firm conversation, and see how he responds. Physically taking the ring off of your finger is completely inapporpriate behavior, as is his unwillingness to discuss the matter. If this is how he will behave at such a minor issue (in the scheme of things), how will he behave when the actual important stuff comes up and you two disagree?

Post # 9
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Yes, I agree you need to work on your communication. He should not be able to walk out on you and tell you there’s nothing to discuss. It’s not a one way street. You are giving him compromise options (like picking one together, paying for it) and all he has to say is NO?? Uh, you aren’t the only one who gets to make decisions buddy!

As for the ring, if you are going to wear something EVERY DAY for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, you better damn well like it. I’m sorry, but while yes it is a symbol, you want to be something you enjoy looking at. It needs to be your taste. 

Honestly it sounds like he really didn’t put much thought into it. He asked for a ring just to use. Not “oh this will be a great sentimental family ring.”. I’d be more offended by that than the actual ring. 

You need to sit him down and tell him how important this is to you. Don’t let him brush you off like that. And if he continues to… well, that’s something you need to look really hard at before considering marrying this guy.

Post # 10
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Unless you vastly misrepresented the gentle and reaonable way you brought up the ring topic, no, you’re not in the wrong at all! I think his response shows extreme emotional immaturity, and very poor conflict resolution skills. He basically had a tantrum by the sound of it! (When I got to the part about him physically taking it off your finger, I literally gasped out loud). And now he’s practically giving you the silent treatment??!! While I do have to agree with PPs that perhaps the ring and proposal is an extra-touchy subject and he may be extra-sensitive… still, his reaction is utterly out of proportion and innapropriate, and sends up red flags. Once he gets over his hurt ego I think some counselling sessions about conflict resolution skills are definitely in order.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  MrsSnowMountain. Reason: typos
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  MrsSnowMountain.
Post # 11
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

SunnierDaysAhead:  Erm… your proposal was a surprise and you said yes, that bit is done. Going ring shopping after the proposal doesn’t make you unengaged and helping to choose your ring after a surprise proposal doesn’t stop the proposal from being a surprise so I can’t really see where any of his arguments hold up because you had a surprise proposal…

Post # 12
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Umm, I’ll express a different view.  I think it’s perfectly fine to tell your BF that you want to shop for a ring together.  However, during your 2 year relationship, you never said anything.  So your FI went and gave you a ring of his choosing and then you insulted the ring and by extension him and his proposal.  The engagement ring is a gift from him and you.  You are totally justified in asking to pick it out yourself, I did, but that’s before it is given, not after.  Then it’s too late or you risk hurting his feelings.  My advice would be to apologize, tell him that you love him, and tell him that you are honored to wear his grandmothers ring.

Post # 15
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

CoffeeBeanKate:  Firstly, I am in no way saying that this statement applies to you but… just because a girl agrees with a particular point of view that a man has it doesn’t stop that point of view from being chauvanistic or sexist, there are many women who are sexist against women and a lot of bloke use these sexist women to try and argue that their sexist comments aren’t sexist.

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