I may just be the worst daughter on the planet :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You’re not the worst, trust me. You didn’t kill your mom, you just got too bottled up and things poured out. Was it the best time? Eh, no. But it was coming out eventually.

 

I get your mom defending your younger brother, he’s her baby boy. I have a younger brother and am marrying the baby boy. Trust me, in mommy’s eyes he’s always going to be mommy’s little baby. My brother used to call me a bitch and many other rude and horrible names almost daily and I used to get upset and look to my mom who would say “just ignore him” blah blah blah. Really its the best thing to do. Now I just tell him to buzz off and let it roll off my shoulders.

 

However, I also understand where you are coming from because I did the exact same thing, just instead of on Christmas it was in front of all moms friends. Talk about uncomfortable. I came back and said I was sorry but I could tell she was still upset. It takes a little while for a cut to scab over and eventually heal. Maybe offer to have lunch together just the two of you to have some mom and daughter time. Talk things out like adults (no more diarrhea of the mouth) and just explain why you said those things.

 

Good luck and big hugs.

 

Post # 5
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

There’s nothing wrong with speaking the truth here, just that you bottled it up and let it out on the wrong day. Your brother sounds like a bit of an ass. My brother used to be like that. In fact, there was a period when I really really disliked him. It’s hard to imagine now, b/c I love him so much. What changed? He went to college and met people who actually had lame parents. He wised up completely.

Even if your brother doesn’t end up your best friend, it’s still possible he can change his ways. And your pointing out the difference between good and poor behavior might — in the end, if done non-confrontationally– have an effect. Who knows?

Apologize to your mom, spend some time with her, let her know you love her BUT that you will never ignore your brother’s behavior.

Post # 6
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I doubt that you are the only daughter who has had a fight with her Mom- even on Christmas Day.

Phone your Mom or preferably see her in person, apologize and move on.

From now on, leave the parenting of your brother to your parents. No parents really react well to criticism, especially from their non- parent offspring.

Post # 7
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You are not the worst daughter on the planet – you clearly care about your mother and I have seen many worse ones who steal from their mothers and do everything in their power to hurt them. 

I went through a similar childhood where my mother sort of had an iron fist where everything had to be her way but I didn’t have the option of leaving the home. As we got older there was a lot of confrontation between myself (the oldest) and her parenting as there was only so much control I could live with… she even was about to take my bedroom door off once because I was talking to a guy on the phone!

Now she puts my younger sister on the pedestal even though my sister is a terror. My sister is a flat out bully and everyone but my mother sees this. Countless of people have confronted her about my sister and my mother defends her at every turn. I have even had a couple of heated arguments with her about it that of course end in tears for both of us.

We have an almost friendly relationship and I have found it is easier to be subtle about addressing her protectivness and try to make her see the other side of the coin through calm reasoning. She has her moments where she snaps out of it and sees that my sister has a lot to do with everything but they are small victories…

Post # 8
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@lalalyanne:  I don’t have terrific advice, but I do have a lot of sympathy. I have a very similar situation. I grew up with a strict mother, who rarely let me see friends, who shamed me about grades but offered no help, who had very strict ideas about how children should behave at home, who was uninvolved in my life despite being my primary caretaker, who mostly taught me to stay out of her way or else. I’m going to need a lot of therapy if I’m ever going to fully let all of that go.

I turned out pretty well, it turns out. Highly educated, fending for myself, working hard at a successful relationship, accomplishing my other goals… blah blah blah. Meanwhile, my mom has softened up a TON, and my younger sister grew up to be my opposite. Dropped out of school, arrested multiple times, involved in drugs, etc. etc. Yet, my sister gets most things handed to her, to this day.

My mom is admittedly a million times nicer to me than she was growing up. I think she’s mellowed out a ton. There are other forces in her life that have settled down, and I think that in particular, seeing me grow up to be a success caused her to loosen the reins on my sister – perhaps too much. In any case, she was a terrible mother to me growing up, and now she’s generous, and sweet, and accepting to just about everyone.

It’s really hard for me to face the differences between my sister’s upbringing and my own. For all the times I was shamed and harassed about totally normal things – and then she got the exact opposite treatment. Does she love my sister more? (She and I were born under very different circumstances… my sister was the “wanted” baby. I don’t think that it’s unfounded to say that she might love my sister more.) Or did my mom just feel so bad about the way that she treated me, that she’s done the opposite with my sister to make up for it? Or maybe my mom was just better equipped to handle things when my sister needed them, vs. when I did.

I don’t know. I don’t have answers for you, but here’s how I’ve been coping.

I am supportive of my mom, and the things she pursues. I let her into my life now. But I set up lots of boundaries for myself and my involvement in her life. It makes it so much easier for me to go spend time with her, and to face the possibility that a confrontation like the one you experienced will happen, knowing that I am limiting how much of my life she can be included in. I never sleep at home anymore when I go to visit. I never stay for longer than a day trip. I don’t call her just to chat on the phone. I try to send her friendly little text messages and such, because she likes it, and I’d like for us to have some kind of relationship… but I don’t let her weigh in on anything of consequence in my life.

It’s hard when she’s not currently doing anything to warrant my resentment, but I still feel it anyway. It sounds like you and I both have a rough history, and a currently lovely mother… which also means it’s hard for others to understand why we have the bad feelings we do. My most recent ex had such a hard time understanding how I could be so critical of my mother, and chastised me for not being able to see just how much she loves me… Like, shut up, ex. You have no idea how complicated this is. It’s almost insulting that my mom is so nice now, because nobody believes me.

Maybe some counseling for you would help? It’s so hard to let go of things when there’s been no formal resolution with the person causing the problems. I’ve come to realize that my mom is really a changed person, and she’s lovely now… but I just don’t think I can fully let it go without an acknowledgement of what she was like and that she wishes things had been different. Without that, I would probably snap just like you did. And i think that’s fair.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Maybe you could have handled it more gracefully, but I think you’re justified in feeling the way that you do. I hope you can figure something out.

Post # 9
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@lalalyanne:  hugs…. Reading your first three paragraphs I couldn’t believe it because that 100% could have been me writing about my mum and our relationship. Moving away definitely helps, right? but deep down there’s always that ering anger and resentment that you wish she’d been like “other mums”?  And about her being so kind and giving… Well that reminded me of my grandma who loves to tell me that mum is so generous it makes it hard to get frustrated at her when she starts being extra controlling.  I haven’t had to deal with the rest of the situation you’ve faced but I have had similar blowouts with my mum on Christmas Day.  I agree the worst part is the guilt at causing a scene but still feeling you were in the right all along. It’s difficult and painful to deal with.  all I can say is time heals.  Sorry for any typos, I’m on my phone…

Post # 10
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yup. That sucks. But you’re not a horrible daughter or a horrible person. If you were, you wouldn’t feel bad and would be writing a ranty post about how awful your mother and brother are. Your mom knows you’re a good person. She probably agrees with, at least some of, what you’re saying. But she probably doesn’t know what to do with your brother. Which is likely very stressful for her.

I second some quality time with mom. A nice lunch or something that she would enjoy and that you will have the opportunity to talk, away from your brother. And maybe a “I’m sorry I flipped my lid – can we still be friends” present like a bottle of wine or a relaxation candle or something – you could also do a card. Just something concrete to say – yeah, I didn’t handle that well, sorry, but I still love you!

During lunch, tell her that you’re really sorry you blew up. Tell her you love her. Ask how she’s doing. Tell her that if she wants to talk about anything then you’re there. But if she doesn’t ask for advice, don’t give it. Try to be loving and supportive of her and separate your feelings about your brother from your feelins about her. Because she is not responsible for your brother. He is responsible for himself. Or irresponsible of himself, as the case may be. Focus on your relationship with your mother and I think you’ll be fine. Whether or not you’re going to be able to tolerate your brother in the future is a separate issue to be addressed with him.

Honestly, this could actually be a good opportunity for you two to get closer, since it’s strained your relationship to have you bottle all this up. Now it’s out there. I hope that helps relieve some of that built up tension. We all say things in the heat of the moment. The important thing is what we do after that. You seem really sweet and I think your mom will understand.

Post # 12
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@lalalyanne:  You are not the worst, by any means. This sort of thing feels horrible, but it happens to everyone at some point. Was it the best moment? No, but it happens and you shouldn’t feel badly about it. We’re all human and we all mess up once in a while.

I get where your mom is coming from. I think most people with siblings understand. Theres just a natural desire to protect your kids – especially the kids who seem to be struggling or who need the most attention. You and your older brother sound as if you’re doing really well right now, while your brother isn’t. It’s possible that she feels extra protective of him because of that and it can make it more difficult for her to admit his faults.

Her attitude with your brother isn’t going to do anything to help him though. All she’s doing is stopping him from developing the ability to care for himself and learn how to interact properly with others.

I don’t suggest that you stop saying anything at all. Doing that is just going to allow everything to build up and you will wind up exploding again. I suggest that you allow the smaller things to pass without comment, but that you calmly and politely point out the bigger issues that come up. Use your best judgement though.

I agree with PPs who suggested having a bit of quality alone time with your mom. Apologize for blowing up on Christmas and see how she is handling everything. Allow her to discuss her concerns about your brother if she shares them, but do your best not to offer too much advice if she doesn’t ask for it. Really try to listen to what she is saying and offer her your love and support.

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