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Before I go into this, I have one question to all of you out there. How do you get over someone you don't have feelings for, but still keep in contact with?????
Yesterday I decided to hit up my computer buddy. (Our comp had been running slow and freezing up). (I had tried all the tricks and advice I got on here too) and my husband saw the number on the phone bill and I knew he would, that's why I TOLD HIM before he checked it this morning. Still he got upset and made a fuss.
I would really like to cut off contact with this person, but HOW? I've put a block on his number, just so I can't call or text it. It's hard to let go of a good friend who happens to be male! I've thought about going to see a therapist to see if I can kick this guy out of myself for good and I've even told my husband about my wanting to see a professional to help with this issue. I know what's going to happen if I can't kick this for good. I don't even want to say it, it breaks my heart too much.
My husband forgave me, but he can't keep doing that and he won't for long. No man will! He doesn't deserve this and I don't want to keep treating him this way. I WANT to change, but how? Where do I start?
I need some direction/advice.
Thanks!
I don't understand. In your first paragraph, you said that you don't have feelings for the guy, so what's the problem? Is it just that your husband is jealous and you're trying to appease him?
I don't think I really understand. Is this guy only a friend or is there more to it? Your post makes it sound like he's only a friend but the response from your hubby says its more. Whats the rest of the story?
I am a bit confused as well.
I think that the best thing to do, if you are willing to end the friendship for your husband, is to talk to the male friend (not on facebook) and tell him that you are devoted to your husband, he's not cool with the friendship, and his opinion is important to you. Tell him that you can't have contact with him anymore & apologize.
That's all I can think of..
I'm not understanding either. You don't have feelings for this person but you need to get him out of your life? If he's just a good friend who happens to be male, why is that a problem? I have lots of close male friends. Is there a reason why your FH doesn't like him or the situation?
I met the guy when I was working and we shared lunches together and yes, we slept together...ONCE! and I WOULDN'T, COULDN'T EVER DO THAT TO MY HUSBAND. He and I still talk sometimes. Like I said, he's an IT guy and I call upon him for advice on my computer and only that. I'd like to cut our speaking relationship all together, as to not make my husband upset. (He doesn't mind for me having male friends, just not this one)
Is this a previous flame or something?
Regardless of the history, if this person truly is just a friend, I don't see the big deal from your husband and why you need to 'dump' your friend. You should be able to have male friends.
EDIT: I just saw your post above. My opinion? The past is the past. If you cheated on your husband with him, I can see him being upset and you wanting to cut this guy out of your life. But if this was before your hubby, I don't think your friend needs 'dumped'.
So just don't call him. Find someone else to call when you have an IT problem, or find an IT forum online.
Just ignore him. You should try to join some activities so you can meet and become friends with more people.
EDIT: If you have IT issues, google is a useful tool. You can also ask the Hive, describe the problem and I gurantee someone will help.
Ahhh I see the plot thickens. So there is a "romantic" history there to a degree, but before you met FH. So FH isn't comfortable with you talking to a dude you had a bit of a fling with. From his point of view, I can see how or why he might be jealous, maybe you two didn't have closure, maybe he thinks this other guy is better looking or something, who knows. How long ago (and how long before FH) did all of this happen?
My advice: There are lots and lots and lots of IT guys in this world. I'm sure you could even call Geek Squad for some advice rather than calling this dude when you know it will upset your FH. Maybe you need to find another IT guy for a while, let things cool off, and maybe in time FH will be come more comfortable with the situation.
When FI and I were first dating, he was still friends with his ex and I was really uncomfortable with it when she'd call or want to hang out. However, after I met her, met her boyfriend, etc, I became more comfortable with it. I realize that she doesn't have any lingering romantic desires for FI and now I'm totally fine with the situation. In fact we're going to her and her FI's wedding in a couple weeks! It just takes time.
Why are you asking your husband's forgiveness if he's JUST a friend? It seems sort of controlling and jealous to me. I don't understand why he's angry at you for having a platonic male friend that you don't have feelings for.
It's okay to have friends! He doesn't deserve what?You can't keep treagting him that way?
You sound really guilty and I'm not sure why!
OH now I see!
If you slept with the guy, I totally understand your husband not wanting you to talk to him. And if you only talk to him about computer stuff, then what kind of friendship is that?
Still, I wouldn't want my husband to be friends with any girls he slept with. I think that crosses the line of what's appropriate friendships of the opposite sex.
meh, it was once a long time ago and not a cheating thing. My opinion is that your husband has to learn to pick his battles and leave you alone about your friend. Or, you need to pick your battles and consult an online forum for your IT needs and do this for your husband. I'd personally just find a new friend, since it doesn't sound like you are close. But I wouldn't let this become a pattern - it could be controlling.
I cant tell you to find someone else to do your computer work because I have a similar issue that you do. Mine is the guy who fixes my car and has done some work on my house. The problem isnt with my FH but HIS WIFE she is a nutter!
So I understand why you call him instead of someone new. Maybe explan to your hubs that you ONLY call him to work on the comp and there is nothing more to the relationship. Or maybe have the hubs call him when you guys need help. Is the hubs ok talking to him or does he hate him?
I must say I dont really understand why you would need to block someones number that you dont have any feelings for. Unless maybe it was your hubs idea?
bakerella It was about 3 years ago. My husband didn't like him from the get-go. He knows the story (only b/c I wanted to tell him). Still, I'd like to change my ways to keep my marriage from falling apart.
@go4me77: I totally respect that. If FI felt the same way about one of my guy friends or an ex, I surely would cut off contact with him. Next time your computer breaks down or needs some work, maybe ask around to see if any of your friends have someone they use or take it into a store. It's your decision whether or not to call this guy, there are plenty of people out there who know a lot about computers.
mishelleez My husband hasn't ever met, talked to, seen this guy--period. I like the thought of having him call when we have issues in the future. He might shoot me down on that, but I can at least try. I wouldn't say he HATES the other guy, but he might feel like this guy could or might take the place of my own husband??? Idk...maybe that was a stupid thought.
No, my husband checked the phone bill online this morning (as he does every morning) and saw the number. He's good with numbers and remembering them is his thing. So naturally, he questioned me about it. I told him the honest truth about only contacting him for conputer help, but he didn't believe me. (The IT guy lives about 30 minutes away from my orginal hometown. I was going to my parents this weekend and my husband assumed I was going to meet up with the IT guy) NO! I couldn't do that. I was the one who chose to put the block on the number. It gives me the chance to start to get "closure" I guess you could call it that.
Whoa, this screams marital discord--major trust issues if he's jumping to conclusions like that.
@go4me77 - If this causes you concern that your marriage may fall apart, maybe some marriage councelling is in order. In my opinion, this isn't the huge deal your husband perceives it as; and it seems as though you're walking on eggshells in the relationship.
Do you think your husband could attend marital counseling with you? If not, do you have a trusted minister or pastor that you could talk to about this?
So this fling with him.. was this really before you started dating your husband? I am still confused..
beekiss2 My husband MIGHT attend. I can't say for sure if he would or wouldn't and don't want to put thoughts into his head, since he isn't here to defend himself. The minister in my avatar pic was my old pastor and she gave us 5 sessions of Pre-Marital and I even brought it up then (hubby wasn't in the room, it was our separate session night) She told me it was alright to have male friends, as long as I wasn't being unfaithful to my husband. I agree with her!
I understand the OP’s question is how to get “over” this friend…but something bothers me a little more about the story.
Why does your husband check the phone bill online EVERY DAY for unknown numbers? That seems…well…controlling and extreme. There’s no logical reason to do that – if you have an issue with your bill, you can contact the telephone company at the end of the month. Is it just me? That would make me extremely uncomfortable, personally. Its controlling behavior.
Honestly, I don’t think YOU messed up. You called a friend, to discuss an issue. You did not cheat on your husband, or attempt to cheat. What was there to forgive? I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds stressful :(
Ella1978 Yep. I worked at my job for a year and half before I met my husband. I met my husband in summer of 09. I met the IT guy in summer of 07.
I agree with gabrielleelise1981. Why does he need to check the phone bill every morning? That is a huge red flag to me.
Okay.. Well then nothing to worry about that way.
I stick to my advice above then.. and then you have nothing to worry about.
If you want to maintain your friendship with this guy, then you have to talk to your husband about it.. but if it were me, I'd dump the friend if it was that much of a concern to my husband. It seems like hes REALLY uncomfortable with the situation.
He checks the phone bill every morning? That seems a little controlling to me.
gabrielleelise1981 This isn't the first time this has happened I must say that. Usually he just checks to see if we are running our minutes up too much. We have 2 family members on our plan and one of them likes to mooch. (we are in the process of removing them both). My husband used to just check the bar to make sure it was still good, but then he just started checking who calls me, who I call AND that goes for texts too! We had computer trouble just months after we got married and I contacted the IT guy (I guess that's when he started checking my calls AND texts)
It is stressful. He said at one point, "Your past is your past" Ok with that said, How come I can't keep this friend (I lost all of mine when I moved in with my husband) just to say "what's up, how you doing?" to?
Only thing I can figure is that my husband is afraid one day I'll leave him for this other guy.
My husband has also said before that he worries that one day he will come home from work and I'll be gone. I wouldn't leave my husband for anything! I wouldn't have given up what I did for him, if I was just going to turn around and leave him. (I was willing to give up my family to be with him) (My family loves him now! and we have the greatest relationship now) (I left my friends, both of my jobs!)
He really needs to get some help with these issues. These insecurities have the potential to destroy your relationship, he needs to trust you. I would be totally insistent on therapy.
I remember a lot of your posts and they're all sort of painting a not so pretty picture to me, honestly. I think there are a LOT of underlying issues going on that need to be addressed since you're already worried about your marriage falling apart and you've only been married a few months!
@go4me77: Oh no! You lost all of your friends when you moved in with your husband? That's devastating. I love my husband but my friends are a total lifeline. And his are to him. Humans are social creatures...I think there has even been studies on this: we need friends to survive! How did you lose touch?
Stop calling him. Stop talking to him. Stop texting him. Stop chatting with him.
It's perfectly acceptable to have friends of the opposite sex, even friends you may have been sexually involved with in the past (if the past is truly the past) I have stayed in contact with some of my ex-BFs purely as friends with no sexual tension or temptation. FI has also kept in contact with some of his ex-GFs, and I know their relationships are purely platonic. Sometimes people just aren't right for one another, so they break up, and become real friends because of it. But it sounds like you still have feelings for IT guy, and you either need to nip it in the bud IMMEDIATELY or seek marital counselling.
Your husband does sound a smidge controlling, but he is probably "checking up on you" because of this behaviour you have displayed in the past. Perhaps you have proven yourself untrustworthy.
You can't get over someone if you don't allow yourself to move on, and you can continue lying to yourself all you want, but your actions speak louder than your words, and you are CLEARLY hung up on IT guy.
From this and some of your previous post, it sounds like your husband is VERY insecure. No matter what you do, you will never be able to make him feel secure. That needs to come from him. You should definitely get counseling if you want this problem to get better and not worse.
Oh, and I completely disagree with invalid username. This sounds like it is much more about him than you.
hmmm i completely agree with everyone else. I dont think the issue is you calling your friend. I think the issue is your hubby ASSUMING your cheating or lying. major red flag. i strongly suggest counceling for him to overcome this! You either 1. Need to cut this guy off to make your hubby happy or 2. stand your ground and tell your hubby hes a good friend that you dont want to lose(and hes nothing else). If hes not that good of friend i recommend just cuttin this guy off. but DEF still seek counceling!
ejs4y8 I know! I didn't see ANY of this when we were dating and during our enagement! Granted, I called the IT guy mere months after getting married, it didn't mean I wanted to cheat. I needed advice and help for this hunk of crap of a computer. It's several years old and doesn't work well, but we don't have the money to buy a new one. So, anytime we've had problems with it, I've tried to figure it out. I'm pretty good on them (my husband only knows a little). Hello, I just saved us from a virus attack 6 months ago but shutting it down fast. Sorry this kind of turned into a vent........I do apologize. I hope no offense was taken.
Your husband may not mean it this way, but that is a controlling tactic. By making you feel guilty for something you have no intention of doing (leaving him), he justifies his controlling action (checking your phone records).
I agree with pp who advised counselling for you both. This dynamic doesn't seem particularly healthy, and it would probably benefit you both to learn a different way of dealing with issues like this.
Good luck!
Yep, JenniBride is right. My dad is the same way. He tore my, my sister's, and my mother's self esteem to bits by guilting us then he progressed to far worse tactics.
Edina Well I had a good friend in college and I was dating my husbannd at the time (we weren't married yet, but you get it) and I didn't spend a lot of time with her, so we just lost touch. To this day, she won't talk to me. I had co-workers that I enjoyed being in contact with whom I don't talk to any longer.
Checking your phone records, telling you who not to be friends with....these are not normal things! I think he has some jealousy issues you need to work through together. Is he willing to get counseling?
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