Post # 1
So I need opinions here! I’m thinking about asking him, ring and all, let me explain why! So last January I had started to really get the itch because I had thought he would be asking sometime during the holidays. Well that didn’t happen, so I was crying to a friend about my disappointment when she had said she had to tell me something, but she couldn’t. Well she cracked, my boyfriend was talking to her about Christmas gifts for me when marriage got brought up, he told her he would be doing it in the fall! I was so excited, it was so hard not to say anything but just knowing I had to wait only until the fall made it possible. Well fall came and went (plans changed, we weren’t in the same state, he got moved for work) but I held onto hope that it would happen! Well then I had a minor breakdown and told him “I had my hopes up for the fall and it didn’t happen, why didn’t it happen? “ He said he was “waiting for the right time and wanted everything to be a surprise …” Then last night we were talking and he said “If you had never said anything it would have happened by now!” I wanted to die; now I feel like it’s not going to be special b.c we have talked about it. (He thinks not a word of anything should be said until he pops the question. A complete surprise!)
I made in from last January until this December not saying a word, why did I have to say anything at all? So now I’m to the point of almost asking him myself, he’d never expect it, he wouldn’t have to worry about me saying something then having to postpone it more. Also, if it was in my hands I wouldn’t go crazy waiting. It would be a Complete Surprise! I don’t know if I’d have the guts to or not, but what are your opinions?
Post # 3
doesn’t sound like a good idea. it sounds like he wants to be in complete control of this, i think it’d only upset the situation further.
its strange that you’re not even allowed to TALK about it though…
Post # 4
@sixta:I had mentioned once that “I should have just asked you,” he said “well now you’d have to wait a while so I’d have no idea.” (all said basically joking) But he hates that I say “the guys job” we were together 11 months before he made it offical and his reasoning was “I was waiting for you to do it.” I know this is a totally different situation but I don’t know how sure I am that he is set on this being in his control!
I’m mostly just venting, I’d probably never have the guts to do it but it would totally take him by surprise. I haven’t figured out if in a good way or bad way though yet lol
Post # 5
@sixta: Oh and we do say “our kids, at our wedding, when we are married, in our home,” but he said it should be a complete surprise and if we talk about the actual engagement it means it won’t be a surprise.
Post # 6
Well if he doesn’t think it is the man’s job- go for it! That way you will know sooner than later… I would prepare yourself if he says no though- what would the future of your relationship be? Will you feel rejected? Will this be the end?
Don’t go into this just ready to ask him- be prepared if the answer isn’t what you want it to be.
Post # 7
You simply have to ask yourself whether he would be ok with you asking him. Is he very traditional or do you have a real blend of “male” and “female” roles in your relationship?
Would he feel that you were genuinely asking, or that you had just become impatient?
Would his family and friends approve and how important is their approval to him?
Would you both be happy to tell the story of your engagement to everyone?
There is no way that I could ever propose to my boyfriend. He is very traditional in that sense and would feel as if I didn’t know him at all. He would feel as if I had taken something very important and special away from him.
BUT you did say that he waited for you to make your relationship official in the first place, so it sounds like he might be open to the idea!
The other question is: What if he has already planned out the proposal? Put money down for things? (limo, restaurant, photographer etc) Unless you think it will be more low-key and nothing will be really planned.
Also decide for yourself if you will feel as if you have robbed yourself of something. That is how I would feel – but everyone is different!
Keep us updated and if you decide that he would be ok with it and you would be ok with it – THEN GO FOR IT!
Post # 8
Only you know your SO, but it does sound to me like he might want to take control of it. If you know that he would be okay with it, then I would go for it rather than just sitting back and waiting.
FWIW, my friend proposed to her Fiance with a ring. He didn’t have a ring for her at the time (so he was behind your BF) and then he got one and reproposed to her afterwards even though they were already engaged. He did it because he wanted to present the ring in a special way.
Post # 9
I think Tickles brought up some really good points.
Post # 10
To answer everyone’s questions, we both know we want to get married and ARE ready. Both our families and friends love each of us, he told me his mom told him she wants to be the first to know! I know he wouldn’t say “no,” unless he wanted to be the one to do it. Which I don’t think is that important to him (not the engagement but who does it) he always says he hates how everything is “the guys job.” I started seriously considering it when I was talking to my parents a couple nights ago, and my dad was talking about how he (my so) just might be too nervous to actually do it. My dad said he felt the same way and said my mom asked him (she says it was mutual lol) he loves telling the story! They have been married 32 years no, so it turned out great for them!
My so is very shy so I know if he has planned anything it would be very, very low key. So if I did do it I wouldn’t be ruining “plans.” I just don’t want him the pressure to get to him, and his nerves be the reason he ends up putting it off.
Thank you for all the great advice!
Post # 11
Can’t wait to hear how you propose- good luck!
Post # 12
@krazykat12: I was like that too, with the “no talking about it thing”, and stupidly mentioning it ONCE when he was actually planning it and feeling like I ruined it. I am soooooo with you there, and I think if you are comfortable and confident enough with yourself to propose to your man, you should do it, 100%/ Don’t be held back by silly chauvanistic traditions! I’d love to know what happens :o)