- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011
I just need some support and someone to vent to. I have been away for a while due not just to getting married (almost a year now O_o), but i’ve been dealing with a lot of health issues. If you want to listen to my long story, read on, if not, offer me words of comfort and support – cuz all I really need is a hug right now 🙁
It started memorial weekend almost 2 years ago. I was in the car with my then fiance, and I suddenly got really nauseated. Maybe I ate something funky? I told my fiance to pull over to the nearest restroom so I could barf. Nothing happened. Just dry heaves. From then on, it was just intermittent nausea, fatigue, dizzyness and eventually, pain all over my limbs everytime I woke up in the morning. I originally could pull myself out of bed to get to work, but it got progressively worse over time. I just wanted to keep sleeping it off because it was the only way to escape the pain. I started to miss more and more days of work, weekend outings, things with friends and family, etc.
So, I went to the doc when my nausea symptoms first started and of course the first thought was pregnancy. Wasn’t so. They tested my thyroid, came back normal. Tested EVERYTHING and came back normal. One doctor finally tried to test me for Fibromyalgia by giving me medicine that helps with it. It worked for a little while, but the pain kept creeping back. It made me insomniac; I never had a good night’s sleep since. Actually, I think my body has this natural aversion to falling asleep now because it just knows what to expect the next morning; agonizing pain and fatigue. But yeah, so fibro sort of fit the bill for a little while, but the fatigue was still there. I just knew I wasn’t back to normal. I was still taking sick days and eventually, the pain and fatigue were just so encumbering, I had to take a medical leave from work.
Fast forward a few months, I went to another doctor to get a second opinion. He thought my initial symptoms of nausea and such were inconsistent with fibro. So he thought outside the box and tested me for celiac. I was tested BORDERLINE gluten intolerant. I don’t even eat that much wheat, but it explained a lot; why my symptoms were so intermittent and unpredictable. I did the whole endoscopy bit AFTER I went gluten free (had to get back on gluten for 4 weeks which was honestly hell) and tested negative (thank goodness), but I’m still on a gluten free diet because it works best for me. I was even able to ween off the fibro medicine they gave me (and sort of got my sleep back in order after that).
But the snowball effect ensues. Because of the illness, I had to stop going after my masters, I just could not handle it while working full-time. My career has lagged behind due to being in and out due to my illness – I was out for at least half a year, non-continuously. I also got my pay cut in half because I had to switch from full to part-time. Hubby and I still made it ok financially, but that was just another factor that just makes things more stressful.
And though I have some sorta “answer” about what has been going on with my body, I’m still suffering. I basically am out for work for a week at a time if I go out to eat “gluten-free” meals; issues due to cross-contamination and just plain old ignorance about what contain gluten is what I usually blame because when I cook at home for myself and not go out, I am fine and dandy. So, I really try to limit going out as much as possible, but you can only live as a hobbit for so long!!
I’ve also been in denial for a while about the whole gluten deal cuz I LOVE food, I mean, eating makes me happy. And if you know gluten-free diets, they can be sorta… well, bleh. Oh man and how I miss all the sweets, cupcakes, pastries.. so yeah, going gluten free is not exactly a walk in the park for me (OH AND RAMEN, HOW I MISS YOU!!). I mean, I COULD bake gluten free stuff for myself, but when you have a midnight craving for a cupcake, it aint gonna happen!
So yeah, I am still suffering from what I’m thinking are accidental ingestion of gluten reactions and everyone at work understands my condition. But it’s just plain stressful as hell to keep taking sick days. I can’t help but think in the back of my head that they don’t want to load me up with too much work in fear that I could be “out” again. I have major, major self-depreciating thoughts about where my career can go from here-on out. My prognosis, not far 🙁 And to give you some background, I love my job, I LOVE IT. I WANT to work. I want to become better at what I do, I want to EXCEL! So now that I’m essentially feeling that I’m “held” back because of what’s happened, you can understand what a heavy weight it is on me…
And if I were to sum up my biggest cause of stress right now, it really would be work. Because, as much as I know I need to take some time off to “get things in check”, I want to work. When I was on medical leave, I was going stir-crazy being at home, bed ridden ALL day, for weeks at a time! I didn’t have any motivation to go out or do anything because the guilt, the weight of not doing what I’m essentially telling you is my DREAM job, does anyone understand how hard that is? I felt like I couldn’t “reward” myself with anything because I didn’t deserve it since I didn’t work that week. Yeah, I’m just that way… I’m a total Type A 😛 or whatever type that does that lol. It’s HARD for me to just give it up, it’s my personality. It’s HARD not to feel guilty. It’s also hard to imagine the financial strain if I were to stop working… I just love working so much.. I’m serious! 😛
And so bring us to tonight… I seriously have spent the last week at home (due to a reaction) crying every night because it all just SUCKS. Like seriously, I just cant seem to get my body back to “normal” and my career is suffering and so is my personal life. I know people have it way worse than me and it is a fact that the greatest enemy is myself. But when one is down in the dumps, it is really hard NOT to think like that! I want to pity myself, to cry and wonder how to pick myself back up. To wonder why this is happening, you know, the usual thoughts one has when they are majorly down.
I guess the only good that came out of this experience is the perspective of how good life is when you got a good job, good family and friends, and to be in good HEALTH. I miss that so much, isn’t that weird to say? I miss my good health. And yes, maybe part of it could be blamed on old age and I’m just in utter denial, lol… but however this illness has manifested itself, whether fibro or gluten intolerance, I still find myself continuously re-evaluating how else I can approach this major roadblock in my life…
Sorry, I’m rambling now and I probably don’t make any sense. Please be kind to me, bees. I don’t mean to offend to anyone or anything, I just needed to get this OUT and not live in my head.
And yes, I DO talk to my dear hubby and he’s been so supporting throughout ALL of this, but when I cry to him, I just know he can’t understand how much it hurts inside. I know he feels so helpless so all he can do is listen and support me in ways he knows he can… All my crying and venting to him makes him feel bad so I wanted to turn towards the bee.
I don’t want to end this on such a terrible note though, so if you were to have a takeaway from this post, it would be to take care of your health and appreciate all that you have (sounds super cliche, I know :P). However, it is SUPER easy to take things for granted when things are going well and one starts to gripe about the stupid little things in life. It’s ok, we all do it. Just remember to have a sanity check every so often to be sure you don’t forget how precious life is!
Thanks to all who made it this far. I’m going to logoff for now. Hopefully I have some hugs to read tomorrow morning. Good night.
OH, and I added a hug poll. LOL… seriously though, I can’t mentally accept any negativity at this point so if you have nothing nice to say, just don’t say it at all and just click “HUG” lol =) Thanks all…