Post # 1
I recently got “offically” engaged. My Fiance and I knew we were
meant to be early on in our relationship but decided to wait until our one year to make anything set in stone. The engagement came and everyone has been super supportive, my parents and his mother are very happy and behind our decision 100%. I have a few best friends that I am closer to than anyone and of the three (who will be my bridesmaids) only two of them are really happy. The third, a girl ive been friends with for over 6 years, isnt thrilled about it and thinks Im making a mistake but is a good friend and is being supportive.
Last night I stopped over at this third bridesmaids house after work, just to say hi and catch up before we went to bed (we live a few houses away from each other), and her boyfriend who lives with her was there. We talked for a while and just hungout like normal and all of the sudden he boyfriend chimes in with “whats that ring on your finger?” … I told him I was engaged (which he already knew) and he went on to tell me that I “Shouldnt get married until Ive been with my Fiance for over five years”..
Now, to each their own, everyone has different views on marriage, and if it had stopped at that i wouldnt have been too upset. But then he continued by trying to prove to me that I havent been with my Fiance for as long as I think. Needless to say, I laid it all out for him and told him exactly how long Ive been with my Fiance and that by the time of our wedding we will have been together over two and a half years..
I was pretty heated last night so I just went home and slept on it. I woke up just as mad. I attempted to talk to my friend about it and she didnt really help. Although she did say that her boyfriend was wrong for voicing his opinion the way he did, she said she agreed with everything he said aside from the length of my relationship. She then asked me “Why do you even care?”
Why do I care? Honestly I dont really care about what her boyfriend thinks of my relationship, but it hurt my feelings. I explained this to her, but she doesnt seem to understand.
I find what he did extremely rude, especially considering there was no “Congrats” or”good luck” or anything, just negativity and judgement. I want her to be a part of my wedding because she is a big part of my life but Im starting to think I dont want her boyfriend anywhere near me or wedding…
How should I handle this? Are my feelings justafiable, or am I overreacting?
Post # 3
Who cares what he says. Let it roll off your back. I think he’s looking to slam your relationship as a way to NOT have to propose to your friend.
This is mild to the rest of the crap you’re going to have to deal with the rest of your life. Do not let him take up space in your head.
Post # 4
I think he was rude for not dropping the subject, but he is entitled to his opinion. I get being taken aback for a minute, but to say you don’t want him near your wedding is an overreaction, in my opinion. Not everyone is going to agree with your choices; part of being an adult is learning how to be confident enough in your own decisions that those unsolicited opinions don’t affect you so deeply. If he keeps pushing his opinions on you, just tell him you’re not interested in what he thinks and you’d appreciate it if he kept his advice to himself. But it doesn’t have to become a big thing if you don’t let it.
Post # 5
Let it go. You met someone who is judgemental and classless. Probably wasn’t the first time and most likely won’t be the last time. Just do your best when you are in his presence , to ignore him as much as possible.
Post # 6
He’s welcome to his opinion and obviously you do care since you are upset. Stop caring what people think and move on.
Post # 7
Don’t let it make you made, my fiance and I got engaged after 10 months and will be married 3 months before our 2 year anniversary and I dont care what anyone else says as long as we are happy with our decision! Plus he is probably doing that because he doesnt want his girlfriend to start wanting to get engaged and using you guys as an example. Good luck honey – I know its easier said than done to not worry about what others think 🙂
Post # 8
@KaitKitten: If you really don’t care about his opinion, then it shouldn’t hurt your feelings. Her Boyfriend or Best Friend obviously has issues with commitment, that’s a problem between him and her. Your Fiance wants to marry you, and you want to marry him, who cares about the rest of the world.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Everyone has an opinion on engagements, weddings, and marriages. Don’t let them get to you. I am sure at some point you will have at least a few people tell you not to get married at all ever because marriage sucks. Your friend apologized the best that she could in that situation and you should move on.
Post # 10
Ok..so bad on him for being a loud mouthed know it all…when he’s been married to the same person for 50 years, I might solicit his sage advice, until then, every man has the right to make an ass of himself in his own house…so whatever.
Now for you dear lady, are entitled to feel any way you like about this particular incident, but I would strongly advise you to chalk it up to someone talking out of their ass and call it a day. Since chewing on it and upsetting yourself is truly counterproductive and a total waste of time. Not every person you know or bump into is going to congratulate you on your engagement, a lot of people are going to have flimsy, stupid or unsolicited advice for you and more than a few of your vendors are going to treat you less than stellar, because to them, your wedding is just another day at the office.
This is an important day in your life for certain, but don’t be tempted to use your wedding as a tool to evidence dislike for people or their behavior, you will find out quickly this day is not nearly as important to the people around you as you might have thought, and I’m sure you will find that the hustle and bustle of planning leaves no time to dwell on the people that aren’t excited and happy for you.
Post # 11
First of all, Congrats!!!
I’d be upset at first too but consider the source, maybe he feels your friend is going to be expecting him to propose now too(some guys have weird reactions to things), or he’s just an a$$. Let it go it’s not worth your time.
If he brings it up again, cut him off and say thanks, you made your opinion very clear the first time but we dont need your approval so case closed. He’s entitled to his opinion but you dont need to hear it repeatedly.
Post # 12
Thank you all for such quick responses. I guess most of you are right, I should let it go. I think part of my reaction to this was affected by the fact that I already disliked him (for numerous, well deserved reasons ranging from drug abuse to mistreatment of my friend) but now that I hear what you guys are saying Im just going to let it go. I have too much planning to worry about and too many supportive, wonderful people in my life to let that ass bother me!
Post # 13
I got engaged to Darling Husband a month after our one-year anniversary. We got married at the 2.5 year mark. It’s not a big deal, at all. What I am thinking, from my future-Psychologist’s perspective, is that your friend is maybe feeling a little sad that her bf refuses to even consider marriage with her until they’ve been together five years. She sees you happy and engaged, but she knows she will not have that until her committment-phobe bf gets to a point where he’s ready. How long have they been together?
Post # 14
@Pinksapphire: They have been together a little longer than my fiancé and I have. Maybe a year and a couple/few months? I would think you were right but she had voiced her opinion of “waiting over five years” before my engagement, when I had first told her my Fiance and I were discussing marriage. I think a lot of their opinion stems from the fact that they are both pretty judgemental people, whether they realize it or not, and from the fact that they never truly liked my Fiance. Im sure age is a bit of a factor here too. I’m 21, my Fiance is 25. My friend is 18 and her bf just turned 20. I know techniquely I’m still quite young, but I’ve been told that in most aspects I’m quite mature for my age and that may be part of the reason our friendship and my opinion of her bf has clashed.
Post # 15
@KaitKitten: My fiance and I fell in love and wanted to get married pretty much as soon as we established ourselves as a couple, which was about 4 months after meeting each other. I was just getting out of a long-term relationship too. We held off and are getting married 5 years after the fact. So, sometimes you just know, and that’s wonderful, and I am happy for you and him that you two have found each other.
Your friend and her boyfriend are justified in their opinions, but they just need to speak their peace and then keep it to themselves from here on out. My fiance and I didn’t really get into rough patches until a couple of years into our relationship, and especially when we moved in together. It was certianly a bumpy ride. He even broke up with me briefly 🙁 Had we been married, it would have been just as bad and hurtful…we would have just been married and would have felt more afraid of “splitting up”. But, the point is, we love each other so much, and can’t imagine life without each other. We knew it from the very beginning. I was 22 and he was 27, we are now 27 and 32 respectfully…time just creates more history, it doesn’t always change your mind.
All couples are different though. I am projecting my relationship on to yours just like your friends are doing to you. They must feel more confident in their judgement for some reason, but that’s their own judgement or even their own fear. If your families are backing you up, I wouldn’t give their opinions as much consideration because your family will always look out for you.
Post # 16
@KaitKitten: I think you made your point. You can prove them wrong when you’re married for many years 😉
I think with some time you’ll get over this. You may not like the guy, but depending on the size of your wedding, you might not even see him much there.
It’s possible she was agreeing with him because she wants to marry and is just jealous that you’re heading towards marriage so fast (compared to her), so she was trying to take you down a peg or two. That or she genuinely believes you need to be together 5+ years… to each their own. 5+ years is way too long for me, I think you know if you want to be with that person much sooner, especially if you’re in your mid-late 20s and older.
I probably wouldn’t have argued, since it’s not like you can change peoples’ minds. Just try to put it out of your head.