I need advice. Getting married while neither of us are settled – wrong time?

posted 2 years ago in Beehive
  • poll: Is this the wrong time to get married?
    Yes (if chosen please post why) : (5 votes)
    19 %
    No : (11 votes)
    42 %
    No, there is no wrong time : (10 votes)
    38 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    If everyone waited until a good time, no one would be married.  I got engaged in Oct of last year, while both of us had steady jobs, we also both had rinky dink apartments and until 3 weeks before we got married it looked like it’d be 2 of us and a dog in about 400 sqft. 

    Life works if you work together.  That is all.

    Post # 3
    Member
    7084 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    If he doesn’t make it through the program, are you not going to marry him?

    Post # 5
    Member
    5839 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Berky07:  I agree with Westwood:–If he was always a caterer for the rest of your life and he never gets a degree, would you marry and have kids with him? If the answer is yes, then get married. If the answer is no, then don’t.

    Think very carefully about this. I have a friend with a DH that has a very unstable career path. It is low paying (but with the possibility for it to be high paying with the right job) and not unusual for jobs to turn over yearly. In the beginning, she was 100% okay with this. But now she has a kid and a mortgage the instability is just killing her. They are thousands of $$ in debt from his unemployment. She just wants him to get a degree in something stable. He’ll take a class here or there, but never really try at getting a stable job. 

    So now he has a full-time job paying part-time wages, trying to pay for a mortgage and child care. She is so stressed ALL.THE.TIME. The love/respect between them has eroded. She’s mad he wont “man-up” and get serious about a stable job (and she is sooo pissed they cant afford a 2nd kid). He is soooo resentful that she isnt supporting his dream and wants him to be something he’s not. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1521 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

    I agree that there is no “right” time to get married. If you guys are commited to each and can support yourselves, I see no reason to wait. My SO and I are around your age (24 and 25), and our situations are somewhat similar. Though I have a steady, full-time job, I’m definitely still working on moving up in the ranks. My SO is attempting to go back to school (trade school so he has to pass a few tests and be accepted into the program first), and meanwhile he is working two jobs which literally eat up all of his time as both EACH require 30+ hours a week. But I know it won’t last forever, just as life for you and your FI will also continue to change as you work on figuring out your career paths. Maybe your FI won’t make it through the program, then what? I seriously doubt he’ll just give up and rely on you the rest of his life. There are always more options out there and you never know what might come up next, what he might choose or even where you will end up. You guys need to ignore the nay-sayers, be confident in each other and continue to work together.

    Post # 7
    Member
    888 posts
    Busy bee

    There is never a perfect time to get married. For the record, my FI is a Phd student in his final year and I have just got a zero hour contract position (before that I was unemployed). We don’t even know where we will be living next year and it may even be abroad! But life happens and as long as you know you want to be together for it all, then there is no reason to wait to get married. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    13010 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I don’t see why it matters unless you plan on leaving him because of some outcome.  Are you starting to doubt a future together?  If you don’t plan on breaking up wiht him and just continuing to live together dating or engaged, what’s the difference if you get married too?

    Post # 9
    Member
    5839 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Berky07:  Sorry, you must have replied while I was writing my response. Do not marry for Love alone. There were many men that I loved, that loved me, but we would have had a horrible marriage. Marriage is built on top of love and respect, but there is so much more necessary than just that. 

    You have to have share vision and goals. Similar energy levels. Similar willingness to do or not do things. Similar sexual kinks. Similar Love Languages–I could go on.

    Sounds to me that you dont need someone to be the breadwinner, just someone who will have normal working hours. So have a discussion with him. If the readiology degree doesnt work, would he be willing to take a low paying, dead end job just so you guys would have the same work hours. Would he be willing to do that for the rest of his life? Would you begin to lose respect for him having a low-paying, dead end job? Would you be embarrassed to introduce him to co-workers? 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2428 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    searock: this!

    OP, if my husband and I waited until “the right time” (whenever that is), we probably would still be waiting. You are committed to one another so nothing else should really matter.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1202 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.  Does your FI have a history of being an aimless slacker or is he hard-working and dependeable? 

    Either way, sit down with your FI and discuss your career paths and goals.  Does he know that a night-time job will strain your relationship? If he doesn’t enjoy the radiography program, what is his plan B? Plan C? Are you both willing to move for each other’s employment opportunities? Do you plan on having kids, and who will take care of them? Do you have a 5, 10, 20 year financial plan including retirement, buying a house? No you can’t predict the future, but you can have a concrete plan.   

    Post # 12
    Member
    9531 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    If you are sure that you want to marry him, then marry him now. Maybe just have a smaller wedding so that you don’t have to worry about as much money and time planning, since you’re both in school. But totally doable.

    If you are not sure that you want to marry him, then you probably shouldn’t have said “yes”. But now that you have, postponing the wedding might not be a bad plan.

    Also, as the wife of a pharmacist, I think there are a lot of scheduling concerns for you, as well. These days, most pharmacists, right out of school, are working at retail stores like CVS/Wlagreens/Kroger/WalMart. If you’re working at one of those places you’ll be working every other evening and every other weekend. My husband did this for a couple years and it was awful. My husband has been looking for a stable, daytime job for over a year and has bounced around to some different contracts (all of which involved some evenings and weekends). He just landed a great job that is not in retail, but it still has 1 evening per week and one weekend per month. But we can handle that. Hospital jobs are usually fairly close to business hours, but will have occasional evening and weekends, as well. So I wouldn’t assume that you’ll get a job that will be 9-5 M-F. Especially right out of school. So just keep that in mind as you’re thinking about your future, since concerns about being home alone in the evening was something you expressed a couple times. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2580 posts
    Sugar bee

     

    Berky07:  From someone who has a future spouse that works away here is my 2 cents. My soon to be fiance works a 15 away 6 days home schedule.This works out to most months only seeing him for 6 days a month,I also work a full time job so out of those 6 days we really only have 2 full days together.

    This sounds really depressing but honestly you get used to it, now if he is home for more than 2 weeks I almost want him to go back to work! I am very comfortable being alone and find that I get time to do what I would like to do.

    If the reason you are worried is schedules that can be worked on, but if it is because of what PP have said and you need someone more job orientated then yes I would say things might not work.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    6888 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    If you are having doubts and concerns then by definition it’s not the right time.

    Post # 15
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Berky07:  My dad is a pharmacist and my mom is a nurse.

    I’m not sure where yuo get that most pharmacists have stable day jobs, because they don’t.  The only way they get a day position is by starting out working the crappy shifts – evenings, weekends, holidays.  It takes YEARS for day positions to open up, and most times the company is not going to give it to a new grad. Even those that work day shift still have to work weekends and holidays.  You should have known going into pharmacy that it is not a Monday-Friday 9-5 job, unless you get into management, again, a position that takes years to get into.

    My parents married when my dad was in pharmacy school and my mom had just finished nursing school.  They worked different shifts for years, raising me and my 3 sisters, so that they didn’t have to pay a lot for childcare.  There were many nights my mom was alone, and there were many nights my dad was alone.  But they made it work.

    Let’s assume your FI makes it through the radiography program (and I’m wondering, is there some reason why he would not?) he’s going to be working odd hours as well.  Neither one of you is in a field with “normal” hours.  If he stays in catering as well, as you know, he’s going to work odd hours too.

    However, our society is becoming more a 24/7 society and more and more fields have hours that are not your traditional bankers hours, so I don’t think working alternate shifts is not reason alone to not want to marry someone.  Sounds like a cop out, if you ask me. I work traditional hours (I’m an accountant) and my FI works crazy hours running his family’s restaurants.  Are there nights where I miss him?  Sure.  But I know that he needs to do what he needs to do.  Actually, many nights I enjoy the alone time.

    Another thing – it sounds like from the fields you have chosen that you will always be the breadwinner.   Are you OK with that?  He’s not going to make a lot of money as a radiographer because it’s only a 2 year degree.

    Marrying for love isn’t enough as other have said.  I think too many people marry for just love, thinking whatever problems they face will be magically worked out.  Relationships and marriage take work, lot of work.

    I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but I think you are a little disillusioned about what life as a pharmacist is like.

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