So, there's this girl I used to hang out with a lot in high school, but haven't really seen much since. She never did anything horrible to me or anything, but she's just one of those people who always has a really negative attitude about everything and it made it really difficult for me to be around her, so when we graduated, I purposely just let our friendship lag.
I have kept in touch with some other people from high school who ended up going to the same college as her and apparently she's had a really hard time making/keeping friends because of her constant negativity and therefore doesn't really have a whole lot of friends.
Well, a few months ago, I get a facebook message from her asking me to meet her for lunch. I was in town visiting my parents anyway, so I agreed. During lunch she announced that she had recently gotten engaged and wanted to ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The whole thing was very odd to me, as I have maybe seen her 2 or 3 times in the last five years total, and I didn't really want to say yes because we aren't close and I really just don't enjoy being around her.
But then she told me her wedding date, and as it turned out, it was within like 10 days of the date FI and I had picked, so I felt like I had a perfect out. I just told her that I thought it would be way too stressful to deal with all that at once and thought the issue was over. So, today, I get another facebook message from her (this is how not close we are - she doesn't even have my current email or phone number) saying that they had moved stuff around and they are changing their date to September of 2009 and wanted to know if I would reconsider!
Not only do I really not feel comfortable being in her wedding for the reasons I already stated, but this would actually be a really horrible time for me to worry about being in someone's wedding because I will be in my first two months of teaching and FI will have just left for Iraq! But on the other hand, I feel really badly for her that she hasn't really made any close friends in the last few years that she could ask instead. I know (from past experience) that she is not going to be the kind of bride that will be okay with me not being involved during the whole wedding process (also, in her message she already told me that since they moved the date she guessed it would be okay if I didn't do anything for her wedding until I got back from my honeymoon).
I don't even know what to say to this girl. What would you do? Any advice would be very much appreciated right now. Also - sorry this is so freakishly long. I thought all the information was necessary. Thank you so much!
Just say no. You've got PLENTY of valid reasons to opt out. It doesn't sound like you're going to be able to be the supportive, positive person that she needs, and although it's ok to feel sorry for her, don't say "yes" just because of that. Stick to your guns! Go with your gut!
If this girl is not even close to you, I would just ignore her emails because you had stated above that she does not even have your current phone number.
It is sad that she does not have that many friends at all, but it's her fault for being so negative towards everyone.
I think whatever excuse that you will give her will just make her find ways to incorporate you as her bridesmaid again...don't let her pressure you into something you don't want to do
gosh i hope she didn't rearrange this wedding just so you could be in it! i think it's perfectly okay to say no...just say that you want to spend this year with your new husband before he goes off to Iraq, focusing on your new teaching career, etc. they are all perfectly valid reasons!
it's really not fair to either of you if you say yes - you will have only said it out of guilt and she will get a bridesmaid who is only halfheartedly interested in participating in her wedding planning. don't let your guilt keep you from saying no. you will feel far worse later when you are resentfully throwing her a shower, bachelor party, attending to her every bridal need, buying an expensive dress that you hate, etc.
I guess I don't see the harm in accepting. Maybe you would get to know each other much better during the planning and it would turn out to be a lot of fun. It's a honor to be asked, so in a way she's telling you that you're a good friend to her. As we get older, friendships become harder to maintain. I wouldn't be so quick to throw away someone who wanted to be my friend.
I had a sort of similar situation last year. A friend I was really close to in high school and university but we had drifted apart the last few years. So much so that I had only met her fiance once when she asked me to help out with her wedding and be her day-of coordinator. I felt bad and said yes because she and I used to be so close.
She's also a very anxious and negative person as well. Needless to say, once I agreed, it was two months of drama and always trying to calm her down.
After everything, and after the wedding, didn't hear a peep from her again for over 6 months when I FINALLY got even a thank you card for the wedding present! (And that was only because I sent her an email and hinted that I knew she had sent out cards to others)
So... I guess, the lesson I learned is to go with your gut. Don't do it if you think you might regret it after. And don't do it because you feel sorry for her or just for the sake of your "past" friendship... because that just shows there's a reason you aren't currently friends with her.
If you have no desire to rekindle the friendship, you shouldn't be part of her wedding. But if you think you could be friends again, then why not share in her joy?
Yeah - I don't even think you need a list of excuses for her. Being a bridesmaid is costly with both time & money. I would just tell her 'Sorry, I'm unable to fulfill the role and wish you a wonderful wedding and marriage.'
I know you feel badly for her. But there's no rule saying you need 6 bridemaides or anything. Maybe she should just have a MOH? Or whatever. Really she should have girls in her wedding that she's close with - today :)
Life is too short - you need to spend your time and money on people who are important to you and things you are passionate about. Don't let yourself get guited into this - be strong!
I would decline very politely. It sounds like you know her very well and purposefully decided not to continue your friendship because it wasn't worth it. Based on your post, it doesn't sound like she adds anything positive to your life. You can still be friendly and offer to give her wedding advice, but you should not feel obligated to be a bridesmaid. It would be different if you just drifted apart over time, but you made a conscious decision to end your friendship.
I agree it's difficult to meet quality girlfriends as we get older, but I don't think it means that you have to settle for wasting your time/effort on the unfulfilling friendships...
Don't do it. You don't want to be the bridesmaid we are constantly complaining about on this forum, the one that doesn't really want to/can't fufill their duties.
SAY NO! With your hubby just gone and your career stress my guess is you won't be able to handle it...especially a wedding, bride+groom+couple togetherness+your husband away= YOU misserable!
Of course you may politely decline. But here's the thing - do not give her any excuses for why you are saying no. As you have discovered, she will just try to change your mind.
If you are sure that you'll feel uncomfortable, Then don't do it. Neither one of you guys need to be in that position. But if you're not sure, then why not?.. It seems to me that you are still judging her from past experiences, Anyone can change in 5 years (As im sure you can see areas of maturity in yourself that you probably didnt have or notice 5 years ago). I agree with snmcdowell, It takes alot of courage to ask someone to share in their special day- Maybe you should think of how you felt when you asked those special people in your life to participate in sharing your and FI's day.... (Not trying to "guilt trip" you into saying yes, Just want you to consider all aspects of the situation before you give your answer)
So, there's this girl I used to hang out with a lot in high school, but haven't really seen much since. She never did anything horrible to me or anything, but she's just one of those people who always has a really negative attitude about everything and it made it really difficult for me to be around her, so when we graduated, I purposely just let our friendship lag.
I have kept in touch with some other people from high school who ended up going to the same college as her and apparently she's had a really hard time making/keeping friends because of her constant negativity and therefore doesn't really have a whole lot of friends.
Well, a few months ago, I get a facebook message from her asking me to meet her for lunch. I was in town visiting my parents anyway, so I agreed. During lunch she announced that she had recently gotten engaged and wanted to ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The whole thing was very odd to me, as I have maybe seen her 2 or 3 times in the last five years total, and I didn't really want to say yes because we aren't close and I really just don't enjoy being around her.
But then she told me her wedding date, and as it turned out, it was within like 10 days of the date FI and I had picked, so I felt like I had a perfect out. I just told her that I thought it would be way too stressful to deal with all that at once and thought the issue was over. So, today, I get another facebook message from her (this is how not close we are - she doesn't even have my current email or phone number) saying that they had moved stuff around and they are changing their date to September of 2009 and wanted to know if I would reconsider!
Not only do I really not feel comfortable being in her wedding for the reasons I already stated, but this would actually be a really horrible time for me to worry about being in someone's wedding because I will be in my first two months of teaching and FI will have just left for Iraq! But on the other hand, I feel really badly for her that she hasn't really made any close friends in the last few years that she could ask instead. I know (from past experience) that she is not going to be the kind of bride that will be okay with me not being involved during the whole wedding process (also, in her message she already told me that since they moved the date she guessed it would be okay if I didn't do anything for her wedding until I got back from my honeymoon).
I don't even know what to say to this girl. What would you do? Any advice would be very much appreciated right now. Also - sorry this is so freakishly long. I thought all the information was necessary. Thank you so much!
posted by prettykatie 158 posts 5 months agoJust say no. You've got PLENTY of valid reasons to opt out. It doesn't sound like you're going to be able to be the supportive, positive person that she needs, and although it's ok to feel sorry for her, don't say "yes" just because of that. Stick to your guns! Go with your gut!
posted by amysue 640 posts 5 months agoIf this girl is not even close to you, I would just ignore her emails because you had stated above that she does not even have your current phone number.
It is sad that she does not have that many friends at all, but it's her fault for being so negative towards everyone.
I think whatever excuse that you will give her will just make her find ways to incorporate you as her bridesmaid again...don't let her pressure you into something you don't want to do
posted by MsJadey 141 posts 5 months agogosh i hope she didn't rearrange this wedding just so you could be in it! i think it's perfectly okay to say no...just say that you want to spend this year with your new husband before he goes off to Iraq, focusing on your new teaching career, etc. they are all perfectly valid reasons!
it's really not fair to either of you if you say yes - you will have only said it out of guilt and she will get a bridesmaid who is only halfheartedly interested in participating in her wedding planning. don't let your guilt keep you from saying no. you will feel far worse later when you are resentfully throwing her a shower, bachelor party, attending to her every bridal need, buying an expensive dress that you hate, etc.
posted by emileee 123 posts 5 months agoI guess I don't see the harm in accepting. Maybe you would get to know each other much better during the planning and it would turn out to be a lot of fun. It's a honor to be asked, so in a way she's telling you that you're a good friend to her. As we get older, friendships become harder to maintain. I wouldn't be so quick to throw away someone who wanted to be my friend.
posted by snmcdowell 467 posts 5 months agohi! I'm with everyone on the just saying no...
I had a sort of similar situation last year. A friend I was really close to in high school and university but we had drifted apart the last few years. So much so that I had only met her fiance once when she asked me to help out with her wedding and be her day-of coordinator. I felt bad and said yes because she and I used to be so close.
She's also a very anxious and negative person as well. Needless to say, once I agreed, it was two months of drama and always trying to calm her down.
After everything, and after the wedding, didn't hear a peep from her again for over 6 months when I FINALLY got even a thank you card for the wedding present! (And that was only because I sent her an email and hinted that I knew she had sent out cards to others)
So... I guess, the lesson I learned is to go with your gut. Don't do it if you think you might regret it after. And don't do it because you feel sorry for her or just for the sake of your "past" friendship... because that just shows there's a reason you aren't currently friends with her.
Good luck!
posted by StrawberryBaby 108 posts 5 months agoIf you have no desire to rekindle the friendship, you shouldn't be part of her wedding. But if you think you could be friends again, then why not share in her joy?
posted by dreambml 429 posts 5 months agoYeah - I don't even think you need a list of excuses for her. Being a bridesmaid is costly with both time & money. I would just tell her 'Sorry, I'm unable to fulfill the role and wish you a wonderful wedding and marriage.'
I know you feel badly for her. But there's no rule saying you need 6 bridemaides or anything. Maybe she should just have a MOH? Or whatever. Really she should have girls in her wedding that she's close with - today :)
Life is too short - you need to spend your time and money on people who are important to you and things you are passionate about. Don't let yourself get guited into this - be strong!
posted by jilian 175 posts 5 months agoI would decline very politely. It sounds like you know her very well and purposefully decided not to continue your friendship because it wasn't worth it. Based on your post, it doesn't sound like she adds anything positive to your life. You can still be friendly and offer to give her wedding advice, but you should not feel obligated to be a bridesmaid. It would be different if you just drifted apart over time, but you made a conscious decision to end your friendship.
I agree it's difficult to meet quality girlfriends as we get older, but I don't think it means that you have to settle for wasting your time/effort on the unfulfilling friendships...
posted by indecisivebride 83 posts 5 months agoDon't do it. You don't want to be the bridesmaid we are constantly complaining about on this forum, the one that doesn't really want to/can't fufill their duties.
posted by Niki 433 posts 5 months agoSAY NO! With your hubby just gone and your career stress my guess is you won't be able to handle it...especially a wedding, bride+groom+couple togetherness+your husband away= YOU misserable!
JUST SAY NO!
posted by V 233 posts 5 months agoOf course you may politely decline. But here's the thing - do not give her any excuses for why you are saying no. As you have discovered, she will just try to change your mind.
Simply say - "I'm sorry, it's just not possible."
GL!
posted by Weddingmuse 62 posts 5 months agoPrettykatie,
If you are sure that you'll feel uncomfortable, Then don't do it. Neither one of you guys need to be in that position. But if you're not sure, then why not?.. It seems to me that you are still judging her from past experiences, Anyone can change in 5 years (As im sure you can see areas of maturity in yourself that you probably didnt have or notice 5 years ago). I agree with snmcdowell, It takes alot of courage to ask someone to share in their special day- Maybe you should think of how you felt when you asked those special people in your life to participate in sharing your and FI's day.... (Not trying to "guilt trip" you into saying yes, Just want you to consider all aspects of the situation before you give your answer)
GOOD LUCK!
posted by MrsS2B 23 posts 5 months ago