(Closed) I need advice on sister/maid of honor

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

I suggest that you consider having two maid of honors.  Call her up and tell her that you are concerned that being the only MOH is too much of a financial and time consuming burden for one person, especially for a pregnant/new mother who may have unforseen demands on her time and health.  Tell her that you still want her to be your MOH, but that you are asking one fo the BMs to be a coMOH.  This way you can still have someone to plan the shower and be there to lend you a hand.  If your sister decides that she wants to back out at that point you could ask her to do a reading and she can wear something she has in her closet.

You are not being demanding and the cost of the dress you picked is very reasonable.  Although, feeling big and fat with preganancy may make her feel like everything will look awful on her and that is why she is so upset.

As for her tirade to you, she probably does not mean it.  It most likely is induced by all the crazy hormones and changes going on in her body because fo the pregnancy.  If it really bothers you, wait until things settle down and ask her casually if she really meant all of the hurtful things she said.  If she says yes and you want to dig deeper, calmy ask her why she thinks this way and to give you examples.

 

Post # 4
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I say get a new maid of honor, and stop looking for her to apologize.  You are so early in the planning, what will happen when more things are requested of her?  Back out now, be happy you bought her baby some wonderful gifts, and find someone who will be more helpful to you during the rest of the planning.

Include her in the ceremony in another way, doing the readings or the signature book are always options.  Tell her you are sorry, but you don’t want to be responsible for putting so much stress on her and the baby.  Us the baby as your "out".

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Your sister shouldn’t have said all those things to you and reacted the way she did.  I agree that hormones, pregnancy and money stresses probably had a lot to do with it.  I also wonder if she’s feeling like what she wears on the big day is more important to you than having her stand up for you.  The thing that makes me think that is this:

"She stated in the beginning a month back or so, that she won’t have the money, and cannot afford it, I replied, "so you can’t be my maid of honor?"  She then said she didn’t say that, and she could only promise me she would try to get the money."

I understand that you’re upset and she definitely said some things she shouldn’t.  I also understand that being a MOH does generally entail a commitment, both financially and time-wise.  But…she is your sister.  I get the feeling that she’s saying hurtful things because she’s afraid that you don’t care that much about her being MOH.  Not saying that’s the case, but I can see how a sensitive, hormonal woman might start being afraid of that.  Maybe talk to her, tell her how you felt when she said all those hurtful things, and try to assauge her fears a little.  If she feels like being MOH is too much for her, that’s fine, but I think if you kick her out she’ll take great offense to that. 

Post # 6
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

"She stated in the beginning a month back or so, that she won’t have the money, and cannot afford it, I replied, "so you can’t be my maid of honor?"  She then said she didn’t say that, and she could only promise me she would try to get the money." hehe, FSIL says stuff like that when she wants us to pay for something. That was my first thought.

 So I hear what futuremrswecker is saying about her being your sister.  Maybe you or your dad help her pay for the dress, and downgrade her to a BM.  There could be a lot of work involved being a MOH, and being pregnant or a new mom could make it hard.

Post # 7
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Maybe you could spread out the MOH duties to your other BMs.  i am on the same boat, where my sister/MOH is also pregnant.  understanding that she may not have the time/money to fulfill all her duties, i asked another BM to give the toast, and another one to plan the bachelorette party.  as for the dress, it sounds like she really can’t or doesn’t want to pay for it.  if you are set on having all the BMs in the same dress, maybe you could offer to pay for part of it?  otherwise, does she already own a dress that is a similar color that maybe she can wear instead? 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I guess it depends on the type of relationship that you and your sister have outside of the wedding planning. 

If you are generally close, I would say keep her as your MOH and blame the rudeness on her pregnancy hormones and the stress of having a baby.  Let your BMs know the situation and ask for their help in planning a shower and bachelorette so that your sister doesn’t have to do it.

If you are not very close with your sister, I would say choose another friend to be co-MOH and make sure that the new MOH understands what you need from her.  I know it is hard to forgive people for being rude to you even when they are pregnant but I think it’s worth it to try just because she is your sister.

Post # 9
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Sorry to hear about your problems, but sometimes I find it very strange to hear why brides-to-be have such drama with the MOH.  I feel like this is the one area in the wedding that the bride can control because the brides are the ones that chose these hellish MOHs.  So I’m just curious as to why you guys choose these people to be your maid of honor to begin with.  Did you do it because they’re family?

My MOH also happens to be my sister, but I chose her not because she is family, but because we are extremely close.  I know that she would be there every step of the way in the wedding planning process, try to ease the drama instead of creating drama, and especially be happy for me on my wedding day.  Had I have any inkling that she is anything else, I would never make her my maid of honor.

From what I read above, your sister had already showed hesitation when you first asked her to be the MOH.   In addition, she definitely became more hostile during the planning process.  Keep in mind that your maid of honor should ease the drama, not to create more.  I think while you can you need to deal with it by either demote her or have a heart to heart talk with her to get things to change.  

Good luck 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I happen to agree with furelysse.  I picked my maid of honor based on not only friendship, but also willingness and ability to perform the duties of a moh.  When my best friend was married 10 years ago she came to me and said that she wanted me to be her maid of honor, but that her sister would stop talking to her if she wasn’t her moh.  The problem was that she knew her sister would not perform the moh duties, so I was a bridesmaid that did all of the moh duties, and her sister was moh in name only.  It worked out very well because we are close friends and she knew I would understand her situation and not be offended by her sister bein moh. 

So, I guess what I am suggesting is that you ask one of you very close bridesmaids to fullfill the moh duties, while your sister is moh in name only.  And, if she ends up not getting the dress then she is simply not in your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

just talk to your sister – i mean have a heart to heart with her…

frankly – your wedding isnt important to her, not as important as her baby and getting things ready for her baby – which means that’s where all her $$ is going

then you – nothing is more important than your wedding, so that’s where your focus is

it’s appropriate given the stages in your different lives…

but ask yourself this – is having your sister in your wedding more or less important than arguing about who’s being unreasonable and selfish and having someone else be your moh??  yes traditionally, the moh and bp plan the showes etc.. but realistically in today’s world, it’s kind of unreasonable for us to expect that our bp will do anything above and beyond – they have lives too and our wedding is not as important to them..

step back and ask yourself if you really want your sister in the wedding – if you do i’m sure you’ll find a way to offset cost of her dress to help her out – she’s your sister after all.. yes you are a student, but what can you cut out?? 10 lattes??  5 new itunes downloads?? 

sounds more like a sibling issue when you say your dad helped her and not you

anyway – just talk to her and be honest – dont bring any issues from the past into it – just talk with her honestly

Post # 12
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m going to say that your sister’s pregnancy is really no excuse for her treating you badly, saying things that hurt your feelings, acting like your wedding is of no importance, and generally being a b*tch.  My sister (and MOH) was pregnant when we started planning our wedding; she was nothing but happy and supportive.  She was also a little preoccupied with the baby coming, but it was just doubly exciting for us to have two big events coming at the same time.  Now she’s breastfeeding, and trying to lose the last 7 lbs of baby weight, and obviously both have played havoc with dress shopping.  Our wedding is on the baby’s first birthday, and we are going to have the band play Happy Birthday, the guests all sing, and we have ordered birthday cake along with the wedding cake.

Obviously my sister (who also lives in another state) can’t do a lot of the MOH stuff.  But getting the dress is pretty much the bare minimum required, isn’t it?  Maybe the right question for your sister is not so much whether she can or can’t be your MOH, but whether it wouldn’t be easier or preferable for her to just be a guest, give a toast, do a reading, or something like that.  Sometimes you get asked to be MOH or a BM, and quite frankly you really don’t have the time or focus to do that.  It sounds like maybe your sister accepted out of a sense of obligation, and now ends up resenting the demand on her time, interest, and wallet.  In fact maybe she never really did want to be MOH – and is not saying that to be hurtful.  Your dress is reasonably priced – if she really wanted to  be in the wedding, she could figure out a way to pay for it.  I would seriously consider giving her another role that shows you value her but allows her to wear what she wants and be less involved.

Post # 13
Member
48 posts
Newbee

Does it really matter that much that she wear the dress you pick?  I understand she is your MOH but for deeper reasons than wearing a matching dress, right?

There are so many issues here but you are both wrong, in my opinion.  You for focusing so much on the dress when she is obviously a bit overwhelmed right now, and her for going back and forth.  It sounds like both of you have said regrettable things, but honestly, all this drama is unnecessary.

 You tried to be good by finding an affordable dress and she tried to get the money even going to your father for help.  What she said to you was not nice but it sounds like you will not get an apology, unfortunately. 

I would ask another bridesmaid to help her coordinate anything she needs help with.  And make up with your sister.  Being a maid of honor is about your relationship and not so much about these kind of demands (dress, shower, etc.).  I’m sorry if I sound harsh but you are sisters and you should be happy for each other! 

Post # 14
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Okay, I’m not jumping on you, but I’m going to just say it-  what you spent on baby gifts has no bearing on the wedding situation. None. Those were gifts and not expected recriprocations. You can’t throw that up as a part of the fight.

She certainly was nasty to you- and for that, there is no excuse. You and you sister will make up eventually… Give it time.
But in the meantime, as far as her being your MOH, I understand you want her to be your MOH, but is there any other reason other than she is your sister that you want her to be your MOH? Just think of what exactly you are asking your sister to do & how you would feel in that situation. She might have something going on financially in addition to this new baby coming along.
Do you have any really good girlfriends that you would really love to be your MOH instead of your sister? Someone you’ve known for a long time?

As far as some other PP’s- don’t have a "CO" MOH… either have her or dont. If you are going to be upset at her because she can’t travel or afford to throw you a shower (which costs lots of $$$- I learned this from experience- see below) then you need to have someone else who WANTS to do it to take the position. Because from what you have said, she made it clear that with a baby on the way, things were already tight and she couldn’t afford much. It’s not that she doesn’t want to do it, she CANT AFFORD to do it.

I had two sisters I wanted to have be my MOH- one is more reliable than the other (called L here), but was preg during most of my planning & due two months prior to the wedding… the other one (called K here) I’m close with, but unfortunately is unreliable at times.
So when I was planning and trying to decide who to pick, I talked to L about it and she said that she had the baby coming and money was so tight that it would be hard, but if I asked her to do it, then she would… but that I needed to know she couldn’t afford two trips for traveling (shower & wedding) and such…
she put the ball in my court.
So after thinking about it long and hard, I chose my other sister, K. Because I knew it was selfish of me to ask L to be my MOH when she had something very life changing going on and I couldn’t have her be my MOH with that on her plate. So I just talked to L a lot and asked for advice when I needed it & asked K to be my MOH… Although she wasnt who I wanted first to be my MOH, she did a great job.

Good luck deciding what to do.

Post # 15
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

That whole "It will be hard but if you ask me to do it I will." is just a polite way of saying "I don’t really feel like I can turn you down so please just don’t ask."  Maybe at another time in her life your sister would have been happy to be your MOH.  Maybe she is kind of a self-centered person and any time would have ended up the same way.  Either way, sometimes taking a job away from someone really is letting them off the hook.  It is at least possible that your sister could be a lot happier for you if she had no responsibilities other than those that come with being a guest.

Post # 16
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

Why "force" somebody to be where they don’t want to be????

She obviously has some issues (financial/emotional/physical). Is this her first child? If so maybe she thinks you don’t care enough and are trying to "upstage" her with a wedding….

If you’re still a student…is your family ok with your wedding? fiance? or are they all thinking is too soon and irresponsible from your part?

 There are many factors you should consider on why your sister and your parents are not that helpful.

My opinion: LET HER GO! Babies aren’t cheap and she’s probably stressed out enough…why would you want her there to be mean to you? 

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