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Oh dear, sending lots of ::hive hugs:: your way!!! I hope everything turns out okay with your mom, and if it is cancer, hopefully they caught it early and can provide her with the best medical treatment avaialble!!
As far as the Texas-thing goes, why does your FI want to move to Texas? Is that where his family is? I currently live in NC, but my we are planning to get married in MN and move to MN because all of my family and friends are there. However, I have not (and will not) ever tell my FI, I am moving and if you don't want to, I will find someone else there - I don't think that's appropriate at all!! I think that relationships are all about compromise, and finding a happy medium where you both will be content and satisfied with your life.
Maybe you decide to do half the itme in CA and half in TX? Or make different decisions about careers, family, etc. so both are happy. I hope you can find that happy compromise!
And about finding your vendors - have you been using the Bee Local Boards to find any suggested vendors? Have you asked around to family and friends? Or have you asked your other vendors for help finding the photographer, videographer, DJ, or florist? I wouldn't stress about wedding favors - go to one of the boards and read about all the BAD wedding favors, most weddings can go without unless you already have a plan and know what you are going to do.
Just take a step back, handle one thing at a time and relax. Everything will get worked out!! Best of luck!!
WOW. If I were in your situation, and FI said that to me, I'd tell him to go to Texas, with a lot more colorful words thrown in. A location should not be more important to him than you, especially considering the fact that the only reason you're balking is because your mom has cancer and you want to help take care of you! He should be supporting you, not making it harder. I'd call his bluff, and if it's not a bluff, you lucked out. And I say that as a bride who's getting married at the beginning of July. I'm furious for you.
Well I would ask him if you can wait until you hear about your mother's situation before you make any firm plans to go. Who knows? It may not be necessary for you to stay after all. Could you work out some sort of compromise? Maybe to start discussing after the actual wedding and give it 6 months. I mean, he isn't suggesting you up and move the day after you getting married, is he?
I agree with Johnsbride09. I think your fiance's response was incredibly disrespectful to you and your family, and I can't imagine being with someone so unsupportive during a difficult time. I'm not going to say more because I'm seething on your behalf right now. Thoughts outgoing to you and your family, I hope that your mother gets good news from her doctors.
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Wow, that is totally wrong. Maybe ask him if he's willing to wait to move to Texas until yout mom is better? If he truly, really doesn't care about you so much that he claims he'll find someone else, that gives me huge red flags. For me and my hubby, there IS nobody else. We both believe 100% that we are the best people for each other, and nobody else can compare. Maybe you two need some councling, and ask him if the wedding is what he really wants.
We have been planning to go to Texas for almost a year to two years. It just so happens that our lease is up at the end of September so he wants to take that chance to move. My mother's illness was something that just came up about a month ago. Her biopsy turned out negative but the rest of the lump that was taken out on Friday may be cancerous.
My family is flying out and so is his. I'm just not sure what to do. After talking to him again, he said that he can fly out to Texas after we get married to get settled down there and wait for me if need be.
I'm just confused and don't really know what to do.
I was inclined to tell you to see if he was willing to just wait and see what happens with your mom and her potential illness before making any plans about where to live, and then I realized, that's totally the wrong advice!
Your fiance absolutely should not put you in such a horrible position. My husband respects how close I am to my family, and if my mother were sick, he'd bend over backwards to make sure that I could be close to her in her time of need. And he would certainly never threaten to "find someone else."
I think you need to really think about what you want out of a husband. If you can be happy with someone who cannot respect you and your family, that's fine, but I would encourage you to do some soul searching before you marry this man.
ETA: what is the hurry with moving to texas? Why does he have to move there as soon as this lease is up? I mean, seriously, he wants to move there, without you, and then let you come when you're ready? WTF! You'll be married! You could get a month-to-month lease on a place if you don't want to sign another year lease where you are right now. He should be there for you if your mother is sick!
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, hugs go out to you!
Secondly, I just don't think that your fiance should be putting you in that position. That's way too much pressure on you and it's completely unfair. You need to sit down and have a real talk with him, perhaps even sitting down with a counselor. Find out his reasoning behind wanting to move and why he said what he did. If that really is how he feels about the situation, well I know it may be hard but maybe you are better off without him. Someone who makes life harder for you when you've gotten bad news isn't really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, a life that will be full of good times and bad. Good luck to you, I hope things wor out for the best.
My mom thinks that I should go to Texas regardless of what happens and states that I can come visit her when I need to. I think she doesn't want me to worry. She thinks I should follow the man because when we came to California, my mom didn't want to but had no choice because she needed to respect my father's wishes.
He wanted a better life for us, which is why he moved and my fiance wants to move because he wants to get a place of his own instead of having to pay such high rents, only to have nothing. I feel stuck and really don't know what to do and dont' know if I should continue planning the wedding or not because it's at the end of July.
Oh my God, I cannot believe he would say that to you, ESPECIALLY when he knows how torn you must be feeling right now. =(
It sounds like he's not really willing to talk this out, but maybe try explaining to him the fact that your father/brother won't be there for your mother, and you need to help her through this tough time. (Hearing that you have cancer is TOUGH.) Maybe suggest to him that, if your mother is doing okay by July (emotionally and physically) that you'll move down, but if not, you'll stay just until she IS ready. You could even remind him that since you have so much wedding stuff to do yet, that there's NO WAY you guys will have time to find a house, etc. So you could use a couple months after the wedding to do that whilst ensuring that your mother is going to be alright.
And, of course, when you ARE in Texas, stay in touch! =) E-mails, phone calls, even snail mail.
I really can't think of a nicer way to put this, so I'll just put it bluntly: when he said he was going to TX with or without you, he told you where he ranks your relationship in his life. Believe him. His focus should be on you and your family, not on this move.
Ask yourself this: if the situations were reversed, and you really wanted to move somewhere after marriage, but his mother got sick and he wanted to stay with her, what would you do? If you would do the same thing as him, stay. If you wouldn't, stop planning, start counselling or walking.
@hh- I am concerned that your fiance seems to have disregarded your feelings in this case. I especially don't feel good about threats like, "If you don't want to come, I'll find someone else there."
I am also concerned that your wedding is in less than 2 months and that it seems that you've been dragging your feet on the planning (though totally understandable now that your mom is sick).
Only you and your fiance can decide if this wedding/marriage is headed down the right track. I would suggest talking to someone who is unrelated to you and can help you sort through these issues.
Most importantly, I hope the surgery was a success and that the tissue comes back benign. Hive hug!
hhcheung2000, is postponing the wedding an option? It sounds like you and your fiance have some issues you should talk out before you tie the knot. I get that he's wanted to move to Texas for a long time, but for him to say something like "I'll find someone else" is a huge red flag for me. You're getting married in 6 weeks, and he's talking about dumping you if you decide you need to care for your sick mother? Yikes. Maybe he was just angry and lashing out, but that's a pretty heartless thing to say.
Is your fiance comfortable with how close you are with your family? Or does he feel like he always comes in second to them? If it's the second one, that might explain why he's being so stubborn about the move to Texas and so unwilling to talk about postponing it if your mom needs treatment.
I think it would really help to make an appointment with a counselor or a pastor to talk about the move to Texas, and about your guys' relationship in general, before you tie the knot.
My heart goes out to you. My mom has had cancer for 5 years now .. and i know how that feels. I wish her all the prayers so that the results come out negative.
On the matter of your FI, I agree with, amandopolis, that you need to do some soul searching to make sure this is the right guy for you. If he can't understand that your family is important to you then there maybe other things he is not willing to understand or respect. I know having a July wedding is a little late but its not too late to think about it and make sure you are doing the right. Goodluck!
I don't know if I should continue working on wedding planning or not. Everyone has already made plans to come out to witness the wedding in July.
I'd say don't. I'm not in your situation, and I can't make a decision for you, but I'm getting married in under 4 weeks. Plans have been made. Hotel rooms have been booked. Plane tickets have been bought. If my FI said to me what your FI said to you, I'd call it all off. What he said was HUGELY disrespectful to both you and your family. I would strongly recommend at least postponing the wedding.
It is easier to postpone now than to go through with a marriage and then work out things that should have been worked out before-hand. I think family and friends would be more than willing to change their plans if there was ANY uncertainty with the relationship. I would say focus more on what you/your family/ your fiance need/feel than on guests. It's nice to be thoughtful, but it's more important to be sure about spending a lifetime together!
You keep saying you don't know if you should continue planning for the wedding - it sounds like you don't and maybe you shouldn't for the time being. His inital ultimatum was horrible, but you said you talked about it and he compromised (a little, that he would go and you could come when you're ready). I think that if you BOTH want to have a life in Texas, that him going to get started in September may be a good idea. If it's only your FI who wants Texas, you've got a lot more to talk about.
As a Bee said, a wedding is nothing without a marriage. To me, this sounds like you need to really think about if you want to be married to this man. Issues like family, where to live, and how to decide on life events should be resolved *before* you get married. If that means postponing the wedding, you should! People understand when this happens - don't worry about your families coming in to visit, worry about your future together.
Good luck & I really hope this all works out: for you, your FI, and most importantly your mother.
I must say I agree with Johnsbride09. I am hoping and praying your FI can budge a bit in terms of the move. You, of course must make the decision but your FI's demand speaks volumes and is definitely a warning flag.
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First of all, I wish the best for you & your mom. What a nightmare, and to add your fiancé's ridiculous comments on top! How terrible.
Johnsbride09 is absolutely right: his comments have told you everything you need to know. They also tell you his approach to problem-solving. Sure, you might resolve this now, but what about in the future? What if someone gets sick years from now? You, your family, one of the kids...? Is he going to give an ultimatum for everything that goes wrong? This is patently unhealthy. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I hope that your mother's results come back with a good prognosis, I can't imagine how terrifying and stressful this must be for your whole family. It seems like you're concerned about the inconvenience of having people cancel plane tickets or other arrangements to come to your wedding, but you need to recognize that this will seem trivial in the long run compared to the stress of an unsupportive husband. I can't believe that he is only adding to your burden right now, especially given that you're talking about a move in September - months away, and something that should certainly be on the back burner with everything else going on for you right now.
My thoughts are with you, and I wish you the strength and courage you need during this hard time!
Can you give a bit more context for your initial discussion and his reaction? B/c I'm just having a really hard time picturing it unless you had a heated discussion building up to it.
To give a bit of perspective, about 2 1/2 years ago my FFIL was in a terrible accident that crushed both his legs (we lived about an hour away at that time). We were not engaged, but both about to graduate and try to find jobs in a city together (we even had job interviews scheduled 2 weeks after the accident in Europe). We had no idea if he would walk again. At the time, I felt really torn. I knew that I wanted my FI to do what he needed to do w.r.t. his family. But we were both about to finish our PhD's and it was really hard to imagine being so limited at such an early stage of our careers. In the end, I just let him know that I was open to discussing whatever options he needed to consider. FFIL promised he would walk on the day of FI's defense, and he did. And before that FI had already decided that what his father wanted most of all is for him to pursue his dreams. But it could easily have gone differently, and I think it's important that FI had the space to think about it.
My point is, I understand your FI's hesitancy to completely upend your life's plans...but I also think that he owes you some understanding and open conversation. The fact of the matter is you don't know what taking care of your mom with cancer will involve, and it's legitimate that he has reservations about committing to it. But I think he owes you a real conversation about both of your thoughts and concerns instead of ultimatums or bargaining. There are many places other than TX where you can find affordable housing, and for that matter there are many ways you can find to be there for your mom that don't involve staying in your current apartment. I'm concerned that he is offering you ultimatums instead of support at this juncture...but I don't want to jump to conclusions about his behavior. I think the jist of what's going on here is not really about where you live, but how exactly you both view your responsibilities toward your families. I think cultural expectations are much higher in Asian families (as in Indian ones like mine), and that's something you guys need to work out. I do believe there is a compromise that can work for both of you, but I think your missing an opprotunity to strengthen your relationship if you focus on the practical aspects instead of what this tells you about your respective value systems.
Good luck and keep us posted. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, and I really hope that her tests come back with good news.
I would say STOP planning the wedding today. If before the wedding your FI is saying he will find someone else down there, he is not ready to make a marriage committment. Obviouslly to marry for life you must believe that you have found 'the one'..not that there's another one waiting in Texas if he doesn't get his way. I'm sure you love him and in many ways he's a great guy but your heart (and head) are telling you something..or you wouldn't be asking.
Take break. Let him go. If you decide later to go to Texas you can relook at things.if he hasn't found a Texas bride by then. For now, focus on yourself and your family and don't worry about people 'planning to come'..there is time to stop this train before it becomes a trainwreck.
Sorry to be so opinionated but your post is clear that you know what you want to do...and you are right. HUGS and PRAYERS
Whoaa. Let's take a step back here. hh, you posted 4 hours ago. Have you spoken to your FI since then? I'm wondering if people are getting a little carried away. I agree that what he said was pretty hurtful. And he shouldn't try to bully you into moving. But you posted that you two had been talking about moving to Texas for awhile. Did he say what he said, simply out of anger, and not mean it? We've all done that before. If you two spoke right now, do you think he'd apologize and say that, of course wasn't true. And that he feels frustrated that there seems to be some backing out, on your part. Also, you said that he said he'd go down to TX before you, and wait for you, if it comes to that. It doesn't sound like he'll just leave you for someone else.
I understand your mom might be sick. And I think if she is, a great option would be to postpone moving, (or your FI's option.) But you seem to provide a lot of reasons for not moving, (while I wonder if you really just don't want to move). You said you might not want to move because your mom might have cancer. And if she doesn't, will you still be OK with moving? You also said that there is a lot going on with wedding planning. That doesn't have much do with moving to Texas, since it will be after the wedding. (Now, if he wanted to get everything packed and transferred before the wedding, I could see wedding stress as an excuse.)
I'm just wondering if there are other things going on. Are you really reconsidering just because of what he said? Is your mom's potential illness, making you nervous and stressed where you want to stop the world? Did you originally go along with moving, because your were interested in it, (or thought your Fi wasn't serious), but now realize you don't want to relocate? Did your Fi coax you into moving, when you weren't sure, and now since the reality of it is stronger, you're pushing back?
I hope your mom is well. And I wish you the best in deciding what you want to do, and discussing this all with your FI. Hugs and prayers. Keep us posted.
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I agree a little with Tanya123 on this one... what he said was really horrible and disrespectful for sure, but I think everyone occasionally says really stupid things they don't mean in the heat of an argument, and want to take it back immediately. Since you're so close to your wedding, this is an emotional time anyway, and between your mom's illness and the thought of your lives being turned upside down all of a sudden, I'm hoping he just was overwhelmed and the wrong thing came out of his mouth. Can you talk to him once you're both calm and see what he says then? He might be completely surprised you took it seriously at all (boys are dummies sometimes!!).
On the other hand, it is definitely really hurtful to even say something like that, and no one but the two of you can know whether it was serious enough to consider postponing/calling off the wedding. I'd have a long talk, and fast.
And assuming the wedding still goes on--Do you think he'd be ok with waiting just a bit to see what your mom's prognosis is? Of course I understand not wanting to leave if she's really sick, but you don't know for sure yet, right? And if it does come back with bad news, it might not necessarily mean years and years of treatment...all cancer is different, and she could hopefully recover quickly. I think this is something you both have to compromise on--he should not make you leave your family in a time of need, but as I'm sure you realize, he has a dream he's been thinking about for quite a while of moving and starting your life together elsewhere, so that needs to be taken into consideration too, when the time is right.
This is a really tough situation--keep us updated and good luck!!
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Before you continue planning, have a sit down with a counselor for both of you. Hopefully your mom will be ok and I'm sending all of you good thoughts!
What is disconcerting to me is his saying he'd move there and find somebody else if you didn't go due to your mom's illness. I understand that many things are said in anger and if you two together have been planning to move to TX for the last 2 years, he may feel just simply angry about that. But if he MEANT that then it is another story.
This should be dealt with and aired and out in the open. Holding any of this in would not be good, thus a counselor would be great!
Call your church/house of worship and get a referral from them, or see if they have one there free of charge.
I know his words cut through you like a knife. But we need to discern were they just really words said in anger (only to be later regretted) or was he speaking of what he would really do? A professional might be the one to decipher the answer to this question.
Nothing but hugs and well wishes for your mom, you and hoping your FI is 100 percent regretting this!
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I disagree, Tanya and Greta. Yes, when FI and I have fought, I've said things I didn't mean. He has too. But both of us know the line, and if we cross it, we apologize immediately. There are some comments that you don't wait until you're calm to apologize for. This should have been one of those things that came with an immediate apology if it wasn't something he meant. Plus some major efforts to make amends.
I honestly think if he'd just said he'd go to TX with or without her, it could just be a heat of the moment angry thing. But he said he'd find someone else there, and that's something that even an anger-clouded mind should be able to understand is ridiculously over the line. In fact, in post 7, hh even says that after he was calmed down he still said he was going either way, he'd just wait for her in TX if her mom did have cancer. That's why I think she should at least postpone. He's putting the move over her, and that's a big red flag.
@johnsbride - I do agree that it warranted an apology right away, but I think what I meant is that I *hope* the things he said were said from a place of sadness, maybe surprise, anger and nor truly how he felt...and that if this is in fact the case, (and this behavior is not how he acts to her all the time), that I don't think one statement (even one as hurtful as this) should be a reason to cancel the wedding or even postpone necessarily. If they talk and it turns out that he really meant it, even a little, well then yes, that would be a reason to do so. You're right, the whole thing is a red flag, but I think we all know so little about their situation that I wanted to offer a more hopeful perspective.
I hope it works out for them!
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I had a long talk with my fiance on our way to see a photographer in LA, which was about an hour and a half from where we live. After we talked, he apologized and said that he was out of line and stated that maybe we could come to a better decision after we got the results.
I still can't believe what he said though even though he did apologize. I was truly appalled and shocked at the same time and don't know what to really think about it.
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"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px">I honestly think if he'd just said he'd go to TX with or without her, it could just be a heat of the moment angry thing. But he said he'd find someone else there, and that's something that even an anger-clouded mind should be able to understand is ridiculously over the line."
Yup. The fact that he would even go there is very, very disturbing. I can understand being disappointed, unhappy and even angry when long-held plans get disrupted, but he responded to a crisis situation by issuing *threats*. What's going to happen the next time you have a strong reason for not being able to do something he wants to do - more threats? What's he going to threaten when your lives are bound together? This is something beyond just normal anger and hurt -- heck, this is something beyond just normal immaturity. It's great that he's apologized now, but he's made his point. Are you going to forget that he said that? Do you think he wants you to forget that he said that?
Postpone the wedding. I loooooove living in Texas, and if someone living in Cali asked me if he or she should move here, I'd list 30 reasons why doing so would be a good idea. But moving to Texas is not a good idea for you at this point.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this, and I hope your mother's health improves ASAP.
A lot of times, we say things in the heat of argument without thinking them through first. What he said was absolutely unacceptable, but he did apologize and he knew he was out of line for saying it.
I can't say that I was in your exact situation, but my mom was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Her biopsy did come back cancerous, and when they did the lumpectomy, they also found cancer in her lymph nodes. I have to say that your mom will most likely need you now more than ever if it does turn out to be cancer. Whether it's radiation or chemotherapy and radiation, it takes a huge toll. I've spent every weekend with my mom for the last 16 weeks to help her get back on her feet and help her around the house. Now that she's finished with chemotherapy, I can start to get my life back on track.
Luckily I have a husband who is wonderful about it all. I'm praying for your mom that all is ok. If that's the case, just let your FH know how scary it was for you to have to go through that and you need his support. He obviously realizes now that it was a childish thing to say and he was way out of line, so don't hold it against him. If it does turn out that your mom has cancer, explain the same to him. Another few months isn't going to make or break him with moving, and if he loves you and cares about your feelings, he'll absolutely wait for you.
In the meantime, I would maybe postpone wedding planning unless there's an urgent need for the two of you to get married. I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through all of this, and if you need any support, just let us know! That's what we're here for!
if it was me, i would not move. my fiance has had job opps that he turned down that were out of state that he turned down so we could stay here and be near our families and its something that i think, he was to tell me he would go somewhere else and find someone else, i would say good luck!
heat of the moment may be one thing, but it still seems like an incredibly harsh, unloving, and unsupportive thing for him to have said.
earlier this year, my bf's father had a malignant tumor removed from his pancreas, ie one of the scariest places to have a malignant tumor. he's back on his feet now and seems to be doing great, but it was really, really scary. luckily we live closeby to his parents, and we were pretty much able to drop everything to be there when they needed us. we may not be engaged yet, but that didn't make any difference--whenever he or his parents needed me, i was there. it was incredibly hard and i wasn't always sure we could make it, but we came out of the crisis even closer to each other, and his parents treat me like family even more so than before. so, my point is, i've been in a similar situation to your fiance, and i can't imagine having his response. my bf was terrified and needed my support to get through it, and i can't imagine being anywhere else. and i know he would have been there for me too if the situation was reversed.
best of luck, stay strong and keep up hope! my mom's a survivor--she's been in remission over 15 years--so there is always hope!
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My fiance wants to move to Texas after we get married, but I'm not sure if I want to because I just found out my mom may have cancer. She just had surgery yesterday to remove a part of her breast and we won't know for another two weeks.
As an Asian family, we're very close and when someone in your family gets sick you take care of them. I know that my father won't be the type to take care of her as much as I would emotionally because he's rather distant when it comes to illness. My brother still has another year left in school and there's no way that he would take care of my mother. When my father was sick, he was never around and didn't really have as close of a relationship to my family as I did.
On top of everything, our wedding is planned at the end of July this year. I still haven't gotten the photographer, videographer, DJ, florist, or wedding favors.
My fiance stated that he has been planning to move to Texas for years now and has no intention of backing down. He says that I can either go with him or he can find someone else in Texas.
I just couldn't believe he said that and now I just don't know what to do. What would you do in my situation?
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