Post # 1
So, my Fiance and I got into a fight today. His ex wife is going to California in December to see her boyfriend and my Fiance is going there to spend some time with his son who he hasn’t seen in over a year. His son is 2 and a half and I guess doesn’t like strangers. My Fiance originally invited me to go with him, though I was a bit unsure about taking a week off work. I decided it probably would be a good idea so I can get to know them both even though it most definitely will be awkward being in the same room as his ex wife. Today, however, he changed his mind and said he didn’t want me to go. He said that it wasn’t fair to me or his ex wife putting us in a situation like that because I’m a little uncomfortable about their relationship (he still has some lingering feelings for her, which I can tell by the way he talks about her). Though he still feels for her, I know that nothing will happen because they had a very volatile marriage. He also said that he thought it was the best for his son not to see me because of his fear of strangers, and that he didn’t want the tension of us being uncomfortable and being around someone he doesn’t know to mess with what time he has. I understand where he’s coming from, but nonetheless I felt a little hurt. I tried to reassure him that it would be ok and that he’s going to be meeting her boyfriend on this trip which will be just as uncomfortable. He says he can handle it, and he will grin and bear it if he has to. When I tried explaining why I was hurt by this, it backfired and made him feel guilty for his decision.
I know it’s been a long time since he’s seen his son and I don’t want to mess with that, but I feel like he’s making excuses on why I shouldn’t go. Her boyfriend was a stranger and yet they stayed with him for several weeks in July, so why would I be any different? It doesn’t help that now I feel unwanted there even if he changed his mind again. I don’t want to fight with him, but I feel like something is missing to the story and he doesn’t want to tell me. What on Earth should I do??
Post # 3
Make it clear how you feel, especially if the son met the boyfriend and was fine! You should definitely be invited! I would be especially concerned about his feelings for his ex
Post # 4
(he still has some lingering feelings for her, which I can tell by the way he talks about her). Though he still feels for her, I know that nothing will happen because they had a very volatile marriage
With that being said, and the fact that he “all of a sudden” doesn’t want you to go, I would have a HUGE issue with that. You have every right to be upset!!! I have to be in the same room with my FI’s ex ALL the time, because he WANTS me there and wants me to be a part of his son’s life. I think the stranger excuse is weird. You are not a stranger, his son is about to be your STEP SON. This whole thing just doesn’t feel right to me. You should have a talk with him ASAP. I would either be going with him to California, or if he still resists… Well, I really would question where you stand in the relationship.
Oh, and why is he “grinning and bearing” meeting her boyfriend? Shouldn’t he be happy she is out of his life?
Post # 5
You love him right? Then trust that he will tell you what the real reason is in time. Respect his decision right now and give him time to deal with what he is holding back from you. You know him and you also know that at some point he will tell you. Just be patient I know it is frustrating because you feel excluded but he knows that eventually you will have to meet his ex and his son. To keep the peace just go along with it right now. When he returns give him time to process the scenario and try to come to a resolution. You both have to go into this marriage as equals and no secrets should be between you two.
Post # 6
@Hbomb84 He was having a talk with his dad who hates me because I’m not a christian and is continuously trying to break us up when he decided I shouldn’t go. His ex lives in Canada and we live in Arizona so it’s difficult to see them even if we had the money to fly there all the time due to responibilities here. This would be the first time I’ve ever talked to them let alone see them, which is why I think I should go. I am going to be in their lives for a very long time and the sooner I meet them hopefully the sooner we can all learn to get along. I’ve tried to talk to him bout how I felt, which led to the fight. It was hard to get him to understand that the reason I was upset was because I felt he should’ve thought everything through before inviting me anywhere because now I feel completely unwanted.
@Jacqui90 I’ve talked to him about my feelings about their relationship several times before. He says that he doesn’t have any feelings for her, but his body language says otherwise. As he puts it, they’re great friends but horrible partners. I’ve explained that the way he talks about her makes me feel like a replacement and he’s agreed not to talk about her to me. That being said, he feels that if I go that I won’t be able to see them interacting as friends. I told him as long as they’re not being flirtatious with each other that I’ll be fine.
Post # 7
Before I can answer I need some additional info about the relationships in general:
- WHY hasn’t he seen his son in over a year?
- WHY has he proposed to someone who has never met his son?
- What role will you play in his son’s life? What role will HE play in his son’s life?
- Is he at least finanically obligated to this boy (ie pays child support / is involved in financial decisions) even though it sounds like his is not physically responsible / custodial / adhering to visitation decree?
- How long have they been divorced?
I think those questions are more important than why he doesn’t want you to go to California for this particiular trip.
If the son hasn’t met the mother’s boyfriend and is wary of strangers (most toddlers are) – then it makes perfect sense for this 2 year old to not meet mommy’s boyfriend and daddy’s Fiance all in the same weekend…. talk about overwhelming!
Then again…. if your Fiance has not seen his son in a year HE will be a stranger to his own son. especially at that age. That boy wouldn’t even recognize him, unless they have been skyping every day or every other day.
WHY California? Is that where the mom’s Boyfriend or Best Friend lives?
What is his plan to be active in his son’s life? If everyone lives all over the place, I’m not sure how you are going to have any sort of “relationship” with any of them. Being a step-mom is very different than being Dad’s wife. if you aren’t active with the boy, then there is really no reason to get along with them…. as you won’t be making any parenting decisions.
WHAT is the plan for him to resolve feelings from his divorce so that you and he can begin your new life unencombered? How does he plan to strategically heal his wounds / reconcile HIS accountability for the failed marriage / learn from his past so that he does not replicate behaviors in the relationship he has with you?
Post # 8
@cloverbug: I think you should go there but this is not the time. I think you both should go and meet with the family anyway because you will be apart of the family. This meeting should have taken place long time ago your faith should not be an issue his son loves you and that is all that matters. The bad blood or issues they have with you should be addressed and resolved before the wedding because if it is not it will only cause problems for you in the future.
Post # 9
I’m more disturbed that he seems to have basically abandoned his own child. From what you’ve written, it makes me think that he either doesn’t care that his ex took their son across the country because he doesn’t care to be a part of his son’s life, or he wanted to be a bigger part of his kid’s life, but he had done something (drugs, neglect) that made the courts OK the mom moving the son out of state.
If you don’t want kids I guess it might work out but if you do want to have kids with this man, what will keep him from abandoning the kids he has with you?
Post # 10
This seems very odd to me.
First, the fact you know he has feelings for his ex – if this is true, he has no business being in a relationship with anyone else until he is over her. I could not deal with this.
It’s very odd to me that he doesn’t want to integrate you into his sons life. You guys are going to be married, it’s not like you started dating a week ago and he wants to protect his son from someone walking in and out of his life.
Without knowing how much contact he has with his son, other than seeing him for the first time in a year – It sounds like he would be just as much of a stranger as you are!
Post # 11
Afraid of strangers? I think most little kids are shy of people they don’t know, and I think its a good trait to have. However, I doubt he is afraid of them, like a person is afraid of spiders. And since you will soon be his STEP-MOM, I think it is very important that you two feel comfortable around each other. I also agree with MrsWBS. If your Fiance hasn’t seen him in a year, I guarentee you, his son does not remember him, and he is a stranger too. So, his excuse is BOGUS.
Also, akward to see his ex-wife? Yeah, sure will be! But who cares?!! You’ll have to meet sometime right! Another BOGUS excuse.
Post # 12
His excuses are a load of crock IMO.
Post # 13
@3xaCharm: Fabalous questions… OP, I would think really hard about this!