I need advice too please…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

As a mother of 2, and my ex being re-married, and I’m remarrying myself….we both agreed to put the welfare of our children first….regardless of our SO’s.  With that being said, both of our SO’s knew this going into our relationships/marriages.  

Your DH has children and he will have to help pay for college. You can  hope and pray for scholarships, grants, loans, but he is their father, he will have an input in and on their lives, with or without you.  I agree with your DH, it is the right thing to do, they are HIS children and he should help pay for their schooling. Period.

Post # 4
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

I agree that he should help pay for their schooling but it’s a bit rough that he would take OP’s combined finances without her consent to do so.

Post # 5
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@rickhurst35:  +1

To OP, maybe you and your husband need to figure out a different way to handle finances.  I’m sure there are many couples that keep separate accounts and have no problem with it.

Post # 6
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

OP, Maybe your DH should open up a savings account and put so much $ a month away to start saving for college or open a 529 account for them, or some kind of IRA or something like that to put towards schooling.  

Post # 9
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If the CTC is the child tax credit, then I actually agree that the money should be set aside for the kids; if I understand the program correctly, it’s a tax break to help defray the expenses associated with raising kids, and if there’s a back payment or reimbursement due, then it should go to the kids.  And it should go only to his kids since that payment represents the costs either he or the ex covered to help raise them.

If I’ve mixed up what CTC stands for, then please correct me.

For the future, I think you and he need to set out financial goals for the schooling of all the kids, and not let it get to the question of if large sums of money will be coming from your joint accouts when it comes time to send them to college. Sit down and write out your budget, and decide how much you can set aside monthly for college, and where that money will come from and how it will be distributed. It’s obviously easier if you have personal accounts apart from your joint accounts, as you could contribute a basic contribution for each child from your shared accounts then supplement for each of your own kids from your personal account. But I think if you start to figure out how much your kids will need for school and plan for that, you can find a suitable agreement. If you just wait till the tuition bills start rolling in, you will be doomed

Also remember that you should never, ever put your husband in a position where he feels he must choose between you or his kids. By not being proactive about the tuition savings, you are doing exactly that: forcing him to choose if he will let his kids down by not having the money for their schooling, or if he will anger you by taking the shared money without being able to agree on it. You will never win that battle. He will always pick his kids (which is what I expect any father to do).

Post # 10
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t understand the problem?  The money is coming from the kid’s mother..it is totally logical that it go towards something for the kids, and what better investment than their education? The child tax credit is money that is meant to help parents afford expenses for their kids. You have no right to that money.

Post # 13
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@rickhurst35:  It is not the right thing to do, imo, when it is HER money.  He should not be subsidizing his children’s education with her money when she has to subsidize her own kid’s education.  He is being selfish.  If he wants to put his children first (as he should) then he should have his money separately. 

My husband and I have everything together but we do not have children either.  If ever were to remarry after having children of my own, I would NEVER join finances with my second husband.  I do not want him having a say on how I should spend money on MY children, and I sure do not want to cover my children’s expenses with his money, as that would be selfish and inapropriate.  As such, I would have kept everythign separate.  Just go back and split your finances. 

Post # 14
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think separating finances to some extent will help prevent these kinds of issues. My fi and I have each our own checking/savings/credit card/retirement plans plus joint accounts of the same. we decided how much would go to the joint money each month based on our income and our other investments and expenses, and the rest we can do with what we please. We review every 6 months or so and make adjustments, so if I get a big raise and he loses hours at work, we rebalance our contributions. we never, ever, ever argue over money.

When we go out to dinner it goes on one of the joint credit or debit cards unless one of us feels like making a treat and picks up the tab. Vacations, household purchases (everything from groceries to new washing machine etc), all the bills come from the joint money unless one wants to make a gift to the other.  And if I want to take a girls weekend out of town or he wants the new xbox then it comes from our personal accounts. There is no arguing. it is completely fair. 

Post # 15
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Leo19:  I think since he already told you that you basically have no say you need to start putting your money into your own account.

As far as college for your children I think you need to make a decision that you are willing to pay X amount for college for each kid.  If his kids go over then they will either need to work during college or get it from their Mom or go to an institution that will offer them scholarships. 

I kind of think you are overreacting about the CTC though.  I understand how you feel but I do not think your husband was trying to disrespect you when he made that agreement with his ex wife.

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