Post # 1
Thoight I found the nice guy this time!
My new husband and I are in our biggest fight ever. It’s not looking good : (
we combined finances. we, or I thought we, liked working together as a team.
In the last 4 years we have always agree’d or comprimised.
This week we discovered his ex owed him back CTC. (long story) about 6000.00
he’s a bit of a kiss butt with her and we were in disagreement about how this should be handled.
without talking to me first he spkoe to his ex and decided the 6000.00 would be made in payments by her to the kids RESP’s. ( we will be splitting extra money needed with her so shes going to get half back again!)
I earn as much as my husband does.he has 2 kids I have 1.
I feel disrespected and I don’t trust him finacially now.
when it comes to his kids with his first wife he admits that if we can find an agreement (I think he means I dont do what he deems we should) he will just proceed and do what he wants. I asked if this could includes 10’s of thousands coming from our joint account for schooling for his 2 kids in the future (they ae very smart and want to be doctors etc, their schooling will be expensive!!)
He said yes. he would most likely just take the money from our account if we cant agree and he deems it the right thing to do!
2nd marriage, have kids who will be crushed by a separation. I feel he is being a bully and my finacial future is in jeopardy at his hands, and i hate the no team thing and I feel so disrespected!
in tourmoil. please advise!!!
Post # 3
As a mother of 2, and my ex being re-married, and I’m remarrying myself….we both agreed to put the welfare of our children first….regardless of our SO’s. With that being said, both of our SO’s knew this going into our relationships/marriages.
Your DH has children and he will have to help pay for college. You can hope and pray for scholarships, grants, loans, but he is their father, he will have an input in and on their lives, with or without you. I agree with your DH, it is the right thing to do, they are HIS children and he should help pay for their schooling. Period.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
I agree that he should help pay for their schooling but it’s a bit rough that he would take OP’s combined finances without her consent to do so.
Post # 5
To OP, maybe you and your husband need to figure out a different way to handle finances. I’m sure there are many couples that keep separate accounts and have no problem with it.
Post # 6
OP, Maybe your DH should open up a savings account and put so much $ a month away to start saving for college or open a 529 account for them, or some kind of IRA or something like that to put towards schooling.
Post # 7
I totally agree he should help pay for their schooling/ living expenses etc. however, its my money in that account too… you don’t think I deserve a conversation and a mutual agreement on how it’s to be spent before spending it. especially large volumes of it?
Trust me, way more of my paycheck covers his kids than mine already. I am fine with it. I love them to pieces!! we have them in sports, everything. I drop a fortune of my personal money on them.
she decides she wants to go to school in paris and it cost us our retirememt that we both saved he should just have the right to take the money with no say from me?
Post # 8
@rickhurst35: we do have RESP’s (registered education saving plan)
for them. we put money in them every month.
Post # 9
If the CTC is the child tax credit, then I actually agree that the money should be set aside for the kids; if I understand the program correctly, it’s a tax break to help defray the expenses associated with raising kids, and if there’s a back payment or reimbursement due, then it should go to the kids. And it should go only to his kids since that payment represents the costs either he or the ex covered to help raise them.
If I’ve mixed up what CTC stands for, then please correct me.
For the future, I think you and he need to set out financial goals for the schooling of all the kids, and not let it get to the question of if large sums of money will be coming from your joint accouts when it comes time to send them to college. Sit down and write out your budget, and decide how much you can set aside monthly for college, and where that money will come from and how it will be distributed. It’s obviously easier if you have personal accounts apart from your joint accounts, as you could contribute a basic contribution for each child from your shared accounts then supplement for each of your own kids from your personal account. But I think if you start to figure out how much your kids will need for school and plan for that, you can find a suitable agreement. If you just wait till the tuition bills start rolling in, you will be doomed
Also remember that you should never, ever put your husband in a position where he feels he must choose between you or his kids. By not being proactive about the tuition savings, you are doing exactly that: forcing him to choose if he will let his kids down by not having the money for their schooling, or if he will anger you by taking the shared money without being able to agree on it. You will never win that battle. He will always pick his kids (which is what I expect any father to do).
Post # 10
I don’t understand the problem? The money is coming from the kid’s mother..it is totally logical that it go towards something for the kids, and what better investment than their education? The child tax credit is money that is meant to help parents afford expenses for their kids. You have no right to that money.
Post # 11
@housebee: I’ve thought of that too. I guess it’s an option. just feels so not working together to me. then who pays for dinner’s out? trips? what if one of us has a better year than the other. (we are both self employed) seems so not united and cold to me.
so if I make more than him this year do I keep it? he has more investments then me. he drives a way nicer vehicle than me. I think if I take the surplus money and do my own investments like he has he will be very angry. he is passive aggressive. lucky me lol
Post # 12
@sara_tiara: money is being re paid by the mother who took it when she wasn’t supposed to.
I have been covering 50% of all the stuff for last 4 years. The child tax credit is to offset expenses that have come from me too. his 2 girls do more damage to my paycheck then my 1 boy. trust me.
I’m certianly not like that with him and tell him to pay his own kids expenses. I don’t think that way, I think of us as a team.
Post # 13
@rickhurst35: It is not the right thing to do, imo, when it is HER money. He should not be subsidizing his children’s education with her money when she has to subsidize her own kid’s education. He is being selfish. If he wants to put his children first (as he should) then he should have his money separately.
My husband and I have everything together but we do not have children either. If ever were to remarry after having children of my own, I would NEVER join finances with my second husband. I do not want him having a say on how I should spend money on MY children, and I sure do not want to cover my children’s expenses with his money, as that would be selfish and inapropriate. As such, I would have kept everythign separate. Just go back and split your finances.
Post # 14
I think separating finances to some extent will help prevent these kinds of issues. My fi and I have each our own checking/savings/credit card/retirement plans plus joint accounts of the same. we decided how much would go to the joint money each month based on our income and our other investments and expenses, and the rest we can do with what we please. We review every 6 months or so and make adjustments, so if I get a big raise and he loses hours at work, we rebalance our contributions. we never, ever, ever argue over money.
When we go out to dinner it goes on one of the joint credit or debit cards unless one of us feels like making a treat and picks up the tab. Vacations, household purchases (everything from groceries to new washing machine etc), all the bills come from the joint money unless one wants to make a gift to the other. And if I want to take a girls weekend out of town or he wants the new xbox then it comes from our personal accounts. There is no arguing. it is completely fair.
Post # 15
@Leo19: I think since he already told you that you basically have no say you need to start putting your money into your own account.
As far as college for your children I think you need to make a decision that you are willing to pay X amount for college for each kid. If his kids go over then they will either need to work during college or get it from their Mom or go to an institution that will offer them scholarships.
I kind of think you are overreacting about the CTC though. I understand how you feel but I do not think your husband was trying to disrespect you when he made that agreement with his ex wife.
Post # 16
@AngelR88: Thank you. I think everyone is missing that I have been personal paying half of all his kids costs for 4 years. & they want for nothing!
many years I make about 10,000 or more than him some years I have doubled his income. Do I keep anything over what he contributes to the household expenses and invest it for myself?
I feel so awful doing it but think their will never be the team I was hoping for.