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So I have not been on the boards for very long but I've lurked for quite a while and I've seen how supportive you all can be and I really need that right know.
SO and I have been together for 7 years, we own a home together and although we are not technically 'married' we live as if we are and all our family and friends consider us to be. Fast forward to today, he left his phone at home when he left for work, it kept going off so I looked at it (he will leave the alarm on) well there were text messages from another women on there, raunchy, nasty sexts or whatever they are called, they could make a porn star blush, and they went on and on and on. He was telling her stuff like "I wanna watch my member slide in and out of you' 'I want your cum slathered all over my face'. Several months worth of this, and pictures, nasty nasty pictures. He had sent her a text saying how he was getting off looking at the picture she sent him (full on close up of her lady parts) and he had sent her a close up of his man part. All that he could say was that he was sorry and that talk is cheap, it didn't mean anything and it was never physical. He said she started it and he just went along, that it was 'just shop talk'.
I asked him if I hadn't discovered it on my own if he would have ever come clean about it and where it would have gone. He said it would have probably just fizzled out. That it was just something new and different. The part that hurts the worst is that while I was at work last night he was texting me telling me how much he loves me, etc while at the exact same time he is basically having phone sex with her.
I feel so violated, this is someone who doesn't even talk to me like this and that I share a bed and a home with. I changed the locks to the house and told him I needed time to think. He keeps saying that he wants to work it out and that he loves me and its always be only me. What do I do bees? How do I get past this. i love him and things have been wonderful up until this point, do I throw away 7 years or can we work it out. How do you ever trust again.
I am so sorry you are going through this :( personally, I probably would end the relationship because I would be going crazy not being able to trust someone and I couldn't live like that. But you know your relationship better than anyone so if you feel like its something you can forgive and forget and move on then do it if you feel like the relationship is worth it. Maybe go talk to a counselor about the betrayal?
Oh I am so sorry you're going through this, that's really awful. That does fall under the realm of being unfaithful and I think the absolute only way to salvage this relationship is for him to understand why what he did was wrong. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned and he found you talking to a guy like that! I would say counseling is the only way to get him to understand that, too.
But...
It wouldn't be throwing away 7 years to break things off with him. I know things have been wonderful up until now, but this is something that might have you seriously considering his fidelity. For one thing, he avoided answering whether he would have come clean...does that mean that if he was doing actual physical things he would also just wait for it to fizzle out? The fact that he is willing to hide things like that from you because he knows it's wrong is disturbing. He has given you a lot of reason to never trust him again.
I can't tell you what to do. I can say that I don't trust him, and I don't even know him. His actions alone tell me not to trust him. Beyond not trusting him, what does it say that he can justify seeking this outside of his relationship with you by saying it was something new? There are a lot of things that are exciting because they are new, it doesn't make it okay to do them. It would certainly be exciting for me to get on a plane, go to England, and make out with a guy with a sexy English accent. It would be very new. It would also be very wrong.
He's not sorry about what he did or he would have come clean (and not dodged the question on whether he would have told you if you hadn't discovered it). He's sorry he got caught, and to be sorry he got caught, he knows he did something wrong.
ETA: If you do decide to do counseling, you shouldn't give him the impression that just because he goes through with it that you will absolutely stay with him. He needs to know that you still have the option of leaving if the counseling doesn't help you trust him again but that his best shot at keeping you is to do the counseling with you.
**HUGS** It is difficult I know. If he knows this girl, I would consider this cheating. If he is paying for it, I think he is desperate (still wrong in my books).
Where did he meet her? If he was loyal he would have stopped texting her. I am pretty sure that it probably wouldn't have fizzled out because it sounds intense, if anything it they might have met if you didn't intervene.
I honestly would have punched him out. Shop talk?!
However, the best thing would to be a counsellor and sort out your emotions there. With a non-biased person. Either this or I would end it. It kills me to hear stories like this. I only give people chances once. People aren't stupid they know what they are doing and they know why they are doing it.
I don't know, I am a big believer that people can change. He just needed to be confronted about it to realize the gravity of what he has done. Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone, and I think he needs to go through that mourning phase so that he NEVER does anything like this again.
I think you should give him a second chance, but not until you let him be in the dog house for a while.
I agree with PP. Please seek counseling, you guys may be able to work through this one. In my opinion if he is telling the truth about there being nothing physical going on then there may be some hope that he can see that what he did was wrong and move on from it. Physical cheating or if he continued this behavior would be when I would kick him out.
BTW Please don't organise seeing the counsellor, if he wants to fix it. Tell him to fix it and find one for you guys.
Thank you bees so much, I am having a really hard night and needed people to talk to. This women was an old co-worker. My mind is just running non stop I can't get all those nasty words I saw out of my head. I know I need to take some time to come back to reality before we have a serious conversation
@Miss.Coffee: Are you serious? An old coworker? and they were very open sharing their private parts? They must have felt comfortable between each other and I honestly think it doesn't sound too good.
I'm so sorry you're going through this sweetie. I have been cheated on in previous relationships and know how awful it stings. Even if they weren't physically doing anything (although about as close as you can get), I would consider this cheating. 7 years together is a long time and owning a home together makes things even trickier. Do you know for certain that it was only "sexting"? The fact that she's a former co-worker doesn't sit right with me. FI and I have made it clear that cheating in any form is unacceptable and the relationship would be over, but that is a terrifying thought and easier said than done. If you think you can forgive him and not let the resentment eat away at your relationship, I'd encourage you to do what you need to do to save it. It's so tough to say what's the right answer. I like to think I would leave him if I was in that situation. But again, easier said than done. Hugs to you.
@knight.keira: Yeah, I feel like if it was some random hoe he met once at a bar or something, the "talk is cheap" thing would be a little more believable. With co-workers, you spend time with them and form working relationships (or not-so-appropriate ones, in this case). Either way, it's wrong, wrong, wrong and I feel so terrible that OP has to deal with this.
I'm so sorry :( I was with a guy for 5 years who I found out did things like that via the internet. I was crushed and he went to therapy for it. I gave him another chance (I view it as a mistake now) because I didn't want to throw away what we had built, but I caught him doing it again. I personally view it as cheating and I would move on. I did move on when in that same situation and am much happier now. You deserve someone who doesn't treat you like that.
It's a former coworker? No. This is not good. I was going to say that MAYBE, if I'm really being generous, I could classify this as some kind of porn on steroids. But it's someone he knows? He cheated.
I don't know how you get through this. I think you should both take your time thinking about it. I think I'd want to have some period of time completely to myself, with no contact from him, just to try to think about what I want to do.
@Pom227: I competely agree - I would feel very betrayed and hurt.
I think your feelings are very justified. I wonder how your SO woud feel if it had been the other way around.
Personally I would end it but it is your decision and it is a tough one to make. I'm really sorry you'e been so hurt.
Sorry to have to say this, but I agree with the other bees... if this was a lady he met on the internet, or just met once in a bar, I could just about believe it was only the texts. But he knows this woman. My instincts say that it is not just talk, and that they were having a sexual relationship.
There is a very high risk suggestion I could make... it has the potential to go very wrong though, and it takes a certain kind of personality to pull it off. If you can trust yourself to be strong, calm, and polite, I would try and talk to this woman he has been texting, preferably face to face. Be calm and non-accusatory. Tell her that you are not angry with her, but that you have been with this man for many years, and you need to know what sort of man he is so that you can consider your future together. Say that, as a woman to another woman, she owes you her honesty and that you won't be angry no matter what she replies. Tell her that you will not tell your partner about the meeting, no matter what she says (and mean it). Then ask her if this relationship between OH and her is physical, or just virtual. She may just be honest with you. Of course, she may not... for one thing, you are appealing to her honour, and she may not have any...
When he says he wouldn't have told you, that she means nothing, that it would have "fizzled out" and that it's just "shop talk", this sets off warning bells for me... he sounds to me like a serial cheater who loves his partner, but will always be after new sexual adventures, and sees his two 'lives' as totally separate. I think that it is likely that he will do this again if you stay together. Now, some women are prepared to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing, if they know that their partner will never leave them and really loves them (I really think that for some men, cheating does not necessarily mean they love their partner any less). I think you need to be honest with yourself: are you one of these women who is prepared to tolerate this? I'm not judging you if you are, but by your post then somehow I don't think so...
You have my sympathy and prayers... good luck no matter what you decide!
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I do feel very very hurt and betrayed. He has shattered all trust that I had in him, he cheated on me, I told him that he needs to realize that regardless of if it was ll over the phone or not, a clear line was crossed. The thing is there was another current co-worker sending him a picture of herself in a racy outfit with the trashy thigh high fishnets, his comment on that one was something along the line of ' make me want to shoot joy juice out of my loins' that was still on his phone as well. He said that this is how everyone at work talks to each other and that yes is is innappropriate but thats how they talk to each other at work, I dont believe it. I dont know if I can forgive or even begin to trust again. But I feel like I may owe us that. I may suggest the counseling. I'm so lost. thank you all
@Miss.Coffee: It's natural to feel lost - it's all still fresh. Give yourself time to think and breath and I'm sure the answer will come :-)
Yes, one was the completely outrageous with the girl that was a long term sx talk with naked pic of private parts, the other was a current co-work short convo with a pic of her in a skanky outfit
@Miss.Coffee: Two different woman and two different situations, is what alarms me about this.
I'm not sure exactly what you should do, however, if you decide to stay, he needs to go on lock down. You don't have to trust him now or for a very long time. Let him earn it back, by watching everything he does. Some may think if you can't trust him go, but until you're in the situation I think it's easier said than done.
He needs counseling to figure out why he's seeking out attention. This has nothing to do with you, but something he's seeking out in order to make himself feel better.
First of all, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how this feels, and it's awful that you are experiencing this first hand. I wish you the very best during all of this. You will get through it <3
I have to say, that if we are talking about TWO women (and as PPs pointed out, women he knows, not strangers from a bar), this shows an even more serious lack of respect. I would seriously consider leaving him. If you do think it deserves a chance, at the very least, you guys definitely need a break. He needs to lived apart from you for a while, as you go about your own life and really see that this behavior is not acceptable. You will not tolerate it. He would need to EARN his way back. This will take a lot of work, on his part.
I would also recommend counseling, and as a PP had mentioned, do not let him think that if he agrees to counseling, it is a sure fire guarantee that you're nstaying with him. Counseling is a tool to help you see if it CAN be worked out, not a sign that it will.
Hang in there <3
What industry does he work in? I just finding it interesting that you mention him refering to the sexts as shop talk and then later you again ay h justified it as normal for his co-workers. Is he in an adult entertainment related industry? If so, it may very well be normal BUT in most industries it is sexual harrassment. Co-workers sending him naked photos is not acceptable or normal is most circumstances. Like others, I think the fact that he knows these women and is interacting with them makes it more cheatign and less porn. Only you can decide if you should end the relaitonship though.
It is going to be a bumpy ride. I think 2 different woman previous coworker and current coworker means he's in deep. I don't think counselling will repair what you two had, because in all honesty it sounds like he needs counselling alone first before he tries having a committed relationship.
Just know that we are here for you for each step of the way. I think you should tell a friend as well for emotional support and to get your mind off it.
***************************BIG HUGS**********************************
@Miss.Coffee: I am so sorry that you are going through this. i actually read this entire post. Having real naked pictures of a woman that he really knows and sexing her is very very very much cheating. And than you found other pictures and he says that is how they are at work>? unless he works at a strip club than no. are you seeing a side of him that you have never seen before? if so, this is extremly serious. If you knew he was "like this" than I suggest couseling and making him get a new, less sexual job.....
What would I do? If this was my DH, I would do everything that I can to save my marriage. But he would have to work for it and really change. Any relapse and is over. If I was with SO for 7 years but not legally married...it would be OVER.
Good luck!
I think that trust is really the biggest thing. If he broke that, and didn't even come clean on his own, you are going to have one long life wondering what he's up to.
His behaviour is extreme.
I spent a decade with a man who didn't respect me. Now that I am free and have met a true partner in life, I cannot believe what I used to put up with. I really hope that you can experience that too.
Remember too, if he has nothing to hide, he hides nothing.
Also, he has to WANT to change and put months of hard work into earning your trust, even if that means counselling.
Don't just take his word for it. He will need to bend over backward for you. He will need to stay at it. He's in deep and this will take months and months to repair.
Are you up for this?
It sounds funny to say, but my own grandmother is going through this at 76. Yes, you read that right. My grandfather adores her, he really does, but he has always had women on the side. He left her when she was 67 for about 4 months. My mom thinks she likely has half-siblings all over the place because of that. It has seriously affected all of his family, not just my grandmother. But, my grandmother loves him and instead sits at home and always wonders. She actually has developed an anxiety issue too.
Please, don't let that be you. :(
He is a corrections officer... no bar, no adult entertainment, no strip clubs
I could not stay with a man who did this to me. That is not to sway our decision. If you find a way of forgiving him, then i have so much respect for you, because i dont think i could know this and still respect and trust him.
I don't think any of the PP's posted this, but this is a link to a site where people have been thru this EXACT thing. Sometimes it's better to talk to people who've been thru the same thing.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
I'm so sorry you're going through this :( Obviously none of us can tell you what to do, but I personally would end the relationship. Trust for me would be gone, respect would be gone, and i'd alwayssssss constantly be wanting to check his phone, wondering who it was if it went off, wondering who else he was texting while he was texting me, etc. I view this as cheating, whether it was physical or not.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but I have to say that where there is smoke, there is fire. No man will admit to cheating even when he' s caught red handed, I found text message on my ex's phone that simply said "good morning baby" and he claimed that it was nothing. Guess what, it was absolutely something, he ended up moving in with his 19 year old Secretary after I kicked him out. I don't believe that your SO has been sexting with co-workers whithout any physical contact. I know 7 years is a long time, but at least you aren't married with kids. I guarantee he'll start being more careful about deleting text messages, but that won't mean he has stopped. I'd be done with him personally. Cheating is a dealbreaker.
@Miss.Coffee - You need to do what's right for you, take care of yourself first. Not that anyone wouldn't have the same line of thinking as "I owe it to the relationship, to us, etc.." try and think of it as, "what do I owe to myself". In the end it is your choice but you should only consider yourself when making it and believe me, no one will find you selfish for thinking that way (especially not when a difficult situation like this has come up). There are a few questions you should ask yourself...First, could you honestly completely trust him again? Second, how will the relationship change after this (i.e. will it be a relationship I want to be in or not)? and Third, am I able to not blame myself? For the first two questions you should consider if you will drive yourself crazy everytime he gets a text. Are you going to wonder who's taking him, what its about, are you going to start checking his phone, are you going to start inquiring more about his female friendships? All these questions that at one point in time has caused women (in general) to act out of sorts, not like ourselves and turn us into some alter ego that we do not like...not to mention cause terrible anxiety. The last question should be given a lot of thought, we often tend to blame ourselves or allow ourselves to accept too much blame for situations when others cannot own up to their own mistakes. Yes, maybe this will spark a conversation about what he may want more if in your relationship or sex life (I'm sure there's nothing wrong with it now and I hope you don't feel I'm implying that) but the other issue besides the infidelity, besides the dishonesty is communication. If he needed or wanted more raunchy talk or you sending him racey pictures then he should have been able to communicate that with you. And the answers to any of these questions are not...I should have done this or I should have done that or I should have known...don't should yourself! Take all the time you need, cry it out for a few days, get angry for another few days, surround yourself with good friends, seek a counselor out for yourself but do not enter into a conversation before you can comfortably say to yourself..I know where I stand on this, my feelings are important and I deserve answers (logical ones not this "shop talk" buisness). Just because he works with inmates doesn't mean he has to act like them! Remember, you are a woman who deserves honesty, respect, and love...from all others and most importantly from yourself. Good luck and sending you lots of good vibes!
@Miss.Coffee - you need to ask yourself, Can I really get passed this? If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then give it time and see what happens. If the answer is, I hope I can or no, then as hard as it is...you have to let go.
I've been in this position before. And the thing that made me most mad was, how could he take away the innocence and happiness that our relationship had? How could he make that decision for the both of us? I did get back together with him, but in the end I couldn't forget it, and was never able to trust him again. I would check his phone, email, facebook and read into every little thing.
We are all here for you, and I'm sure your friends are as well! I would just make sure to take some time for yourself, keep a diary, reconnect with some friends...just try not to watch the clock or your phone...I know its hard, but this too shall pass.
I feel like you deserve so much better than this, especially after 7 years of commitment. I personally would end it. Trust is a big thing with me and I don't think mine would recover from something like this. Whether or not this thing was physical he was basically having digital sex with this woman. I don't really see a difference--it is still an affair. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
First off, *hugs* for being brave enough to share your story and ask for advice and support.
If it were me, I consider sexting as a form of cheating. Those things that are said are things that only FI and I should be sharing with each other.
Do you think you can ever forgive him? That's the first step to trusting him again. I mean really forgive him, as in honestly being able to never hold this over his head again throughout the rest of the relationship. I'm the kind of person who would use that as ammunition in every future fight, so that wouldn't work out too well.
Do you want to try and make it work with him? If yes, maybe couples counseling is a good first step.
I think you made a good decision to take your time and really evaluate the next step that YOU want to take. Hang in there.
"He said that this is how everyone at work talks to each other and that yes is is innappropriate but thats how they talk to each other at work, I dont believe it."
I wouldn't believe it either. Amongst his male co-workers sure, guys are guys... but with his female coworkers? I call BS. Besides, if this is so normal at work where's all the banter back and forth with his male coworkers?? I hate to be blunt here, but if he can't give you the respect of cutting the bs and being 100% honest with you now... I don't know how I could ever expect him to be 100% honest for the future. Like the man can't even truly fess up to the fact that he chose to do something inappropriate and dishonest. Instead he's shifting the blame and trying to make something incredibly wrong look innocent.
If I were in this situation, I wouldn't even consider counselling. I'd be done. DH knows that both me and our relationship deserve more respect than that and knows that I have enough respect for myself than to put up with something like this.
You're in a super shitty position. I'm horrified for you and wish you never had to experience anything like this... nobody deserves that. In the end, you know your relationship best and are the only one who can weigh whether or not this is worth working through, but just be sure that you don't let him pull the wool over your eyes while you're considering everything. If you do choose to stay in your relationship, definitely pursue counselling.
Best of luck in healing and moving on from this no matter what path you choose. I'm so sorry you've been treated this way.
I consider this cheating. If I found out my husband was doing this kind of stuff, I'd be filing for divorce so fast his head would spin.
It is the coworker thing that changed my opinion. With the % of our life we spend working, I would be wondering every 2 minutes, is it happening again? So NOT worth it.
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