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My heart breaks for you. That stuff is not okay. A co-worker is WAY to close for comfort. What are these girls thinking?! They have to know he's taken.
Wow. So so sorry you are going through this.
I hate to say it, but at least you found out. I know nothing ever good comes from snooping and they're right, but at least you now know what you're dealing with. If this were me and my relationship with my Fi, I'd be done. I've been cheated on many times before and in my past relationships, second chances just tend to blow up in my face and I come away being more hurt than I was the second time and hating myself because it happened again and I LET them hurt me by giving them a second chance. But no one knows yur relationship like you do. Do what is good for you. Go to counseling if that helps. Take some time away from him. Anything.
But it's not one woman, it's 2 and he worked/works with both. I would be very uneasy about that and never want him to go to work again. As long as they are there, seeing him everyday, I don't think I could handle it and the stress and strain it would cause me.
If your man is unable to respect you and openly and knowingly humiliate you with women be works with, I don't know that I could look at him in the face the same way ever again. But regardless, look deep into your heart. Do what feels right, Woman often ignore their instincts and if you have the slightest feeling that this is not a 1 (or2) time thing and ha has doens this before and is totally lying to you about how that's the way they talk to each other, then you need to pick up the pieces of your heart and move on.
I wish you the best of luck, girl!
I see now that he had TWO women from work, one which he still currently works with? He told you the former coworkers started it and I suppose the current coworkers did too? Because that's the norm at work? NO FREAKING WAY. Geez, the least he could do is be honest with you now that he's caught. He is absolutely lying. This makes me so angry for you. I'm insulted he expects you to believe that. I hope you can find the strength to leave him. He's got major issues. Best wishes hun.
@Miss.Coffee- I am so sorry to hear about this, you should really listen to the other bees that say you really need to take some time and trust your instincts. At first I thought it might have been some Online thin (which I would also have issue with) but may be able to work on getting through that. Since this is an actual former co-worker and current co.worker, I would say this is a completely different situation. I can tell you all from my personal experience it is NOT unheard of that committed/married men will do inappropriate things at work similar to Miss.Coffee's situation. I would say with something like this it's about just having the opportunity to cross the line from sexting to actual sex.
At my previous workplace I had a married co-worker who was very flirtatious with the ladies in the office, me included. At one point he showed me nearly nude pics 2 other female co-workers sent him. He would ask me to do the same... One day I met his wife at a work relatd event where alk SO were invited, and he was like a different person, barely looked at any of us ladies and I would assume his wife would have been beyond shocked to know about his behavior. The next year he was laid off (unrelated to anything related to sexual harrassment) and he saw me on IM and started a sexual conversation, I reminded him I had a SO, he was married and told him to gonto hell and blcked him from IM. Sorry if this is long winded but thought it was important to share.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) Oh honey, I'm so sorry. This is not acceptable on any level and I would also consider it cheating. That time of communication is not "shop talk" unless your job is a phone sex operator. End of story. I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. DH and I have been together nearly 7 years as well and I agree, it would be so hard to just walk away. There's a heck of a lot of counseling that needs to happen. It's going to take time for you to figure out if you can trust him again. I'd definitely put the wedding stuff on hold for the time being. I'm so sorry hon. Silver lining though, you found it. It's out in the open, you can deal with it and make your decisions. It would be far worse if you found it years from now.
*hugs* This is such a sad story. So sorry that you are going through this now. PPs have given you good advice. One thing that I would say, since you are feeling confused and lost right now (totally understandable!!) is take some time away from him to get things straightened out. Stay with family or friends or even at a hotel, just get away from him so you can think and come to terms with this in your own way.
I'm kind of surprised no one has said this yet, but have you gone to get yourself tested? If this happend to me, I'd be worried that he DID in fact physically cheat, and I'd be going to my gynocologist ASAP to get a full set of tests for STDs.
I can't say whether or not you should stay with him. Frankly, I wouldn't. And to be even more blunt, I don't believe for a second that all he did was text these women. I'm a very cynical person when it comes to stuff like this, and once my trust is lost, it is extremely difficult for someone to regain it. So I wouldn't stay with him. But you are not me, and only you can decide what's right for you.
Either way, whether you stay or go, I would highly recommend you go get checked out and tested by your doc. Better safe than sorry in this respect.
And for what it's worth, I'm so sorry he did this to you. You deserve so, so much better.
I can't and won't tell you what to do, but I do know that from the information you've provided, I would leave my boyfriend/fiance/husband over this, no question. I would have a hard time ever trusting the person again and would live in a constant state of suspicion, which isn't fair to anyone.
Please just remember that there are plenty of other people out there who would love to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It's up to you to decide if you want to meet them or not. Good luck to you.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you my experience. I know how bad you're hurting, and how anxious and upset you are feeling because I've been there. While not everyone's second chance works out mine did. You have to trust yourself and your instincts. There are still days now that I have doubts, but we are still constantly working on our relationship to make it better. Like I said, I can only tell my story not tell you what you should do.
So here's what happened to me.
FI (when he was still just my SO) cheated on me with this girl he randomly met on Facebook. He was being super secretive, hiding his phone, disappearing for hours, and buying things with no explanation. One night after he fell asleep, I took his phone and looked through it. It was awful the things I saw. I thought I would never forget or forgive him. I told him to stop talking to her, but he didn't. He still went to the movies with her where I confronted them both. It was the worst time of my life. I started looking at moving out and found a new place and that's when he realized I was serious about this being over. Finally, he stopped talking to her and became less secretive.
Ever since that ended, he has been completely open and honest with me. He knows I am still healing from it and knows that I have looked as his phone a few times and doesn't get mad because he knows I'm still working on trusting him again. He knows that I have snooped a little, but it realizes it's me rebuilding trust and it doesn't happen often any more. It's a daily struggle, but we're getting there. He says that things changed for him when he realized how close I actually was to leaving and how he was about to lose me. So our relationship has gotten better and we are much closer. We take it one day at a time, and I'm slowly healing from the hurt he put me through. It's been hard, but I love him and don't want to leave him. He knows if he even thinks about doing anything similar again even talking to someone we will be done.
Our trust level is still a work in progress. It's a really hard struggle, and you have to be willing to take the good with the bad. There will be days that you just want to quit and others where everything is wonderful. I think we will be back to how we were someday, but it's definitely hard work.
@Miss.Coffee: this is terrible. i am so sorry to hear this. i would consider this cheating. he completely betrayed you. how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? he says that there way no 'physical' contact but do you believe him?
trust is a serious anchor for a relationship. in time you may be able to forgive but will you ever forget? this may take a long time to heal and will change the dynamics of your relationship forever if you stay together.
i would definitely try to take some time apart and sort out your feelings. i know that after 7 years, it will feel really empty but you need to keep your integrity in tact.
i would feel totally devastated but i would never do this to my SO so i wouldn't accept this behaviour from him.
trust/honesty is a cornerstone of a relationship; without it, the foundation is compromised. respect and love are also cornerstones. how can you respect someone you don't trust and how can you love someone you don't respect?
good luck, my thoughts are with you.
Miss.Coffee,
I'm probably going to say what everyone else has already said, but I couldn't read your story and not jump in. First, my person experience:
I was with a man (BOY) for 6 years. I swear twice a year there would be a huge blowout with some type of sexting, emailing, Myspace, phone calling that was so beyond inappropriate. I was very young (and dumb) but I kept rationalizing and making excuses. Because I never caught him PHYSICALLY cheating. I also never found anything as explicit as you have found :-\ Yikes I can't imagine. But there was always texts insinuating things and I just kept staying. Awful decision. I was living on the edge of anxiety everyday. The trust was gone. I am a firm believer in people changing and forgiving, but that was SO not the case in my situation. Dude just couldn't be satisfied with just me. After I left for good (and after calling the cops because he got crazy) I found out in concrete fact that he DID cheat on me with over 25 women throughout the whole relationship. Whomp whomp.
My advice for you...Unfortunately...it's one of those things where you just happened to stumble upon it by accident...do I believe it's an isolated incident? Nope. The fact that it's two women, totally makes me believe he has some serious issues. I believe in my heart of hearts that someone can slip in times of relationship difficulty into the arms of another woman/man...it's very easy to do. And I believe those situations can be solved and the relationship can grow stronger from it. For someone who is habitually sexting, cheating, seeking other women's attention...I feel as though they can never change :-\ Ugh I hate to be a pessimist but in my own experience this is the case.
The other thing that really ticks me off..you said your man is a corrections officer. Mine is patrol and there are so few woman in the profession, that the ones they DO have, seem to very loose and kind've hop around from officer to officer. I know of at least 4 officers who have girlfriends, that are sleeping with their woman coworkers. So nasty. They have such a bad reputation as cheaters and I hate when my SO is hanging with these men because that's just not him and he tells me all about the escapades and it makes me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. None of this is meant to be harsh or to judge you. I truly empathize and hope you find it in your heart to do whatever it is that you feel is right. It's almost impossible for ANY of us to say what we'd do unless we have been in your exact same shoes. Because even I didn't leave when I would probably tell the next girl that she needs to leave PRONTO. I know it's a horrible situation...I will pray for your strength in either decision.
xoxo
He is a sleaze.
Who cares if that's "how everyone at work talks to each other". Who cares if "she started it and he just went along".
He made the choice to be dishonest and unfaithful in your relationship and instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he is inventing excuses and justifying himself.
Ask yourself honestly, if you can ever hope to have a loving and trusting relationship with this man, then act according to the answer to that question.
He said that this is how everyone at work talks to each other and that yes is is innappropriate but thats how they talk to each other at work.
Nope. Don't buy this. Think about it, love. You said he's in corrections? That means he's a public servant. All sexual harassment laws apply, particularly in a high profile job like that. This is the sort of industry that sexual harassment laws are MADE for.
And even if your husband works in Bizarro Prison Land where they have professional development seminars on sending erotic pics to your co-workers -- if things really are that weird at work and he wasn't TOTALLY skeeved out by it -- then there's already something wrong.
DTMFA. Or at least until he gets his head on straight.
First, i'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Second, regardless of what happens, I do suggest counseling. Couples counseling can help you two process this. I know if this was me, I would want one on one counseling to help get over the situation. I'm naturally a very jealous person and I've been in counseling to even work on that. For me (again, can only speak for myself and I haven't been in this exact situation), emotional cheating is worse than physical. Is there an emotional component at all? Has he ever done something like this before?
As Bubu82 said, go and get yourself tested. The first thing you need to do is look after yourself physically. This guy is a player. God knows what else he's been up to and if those woman act like such sluts then god knows what they may have passed on.
Photos from 2 women? That he WORKS with? What the hell do they get up to on their lunch breaks?
I'm sorry to be so blunt but I don't think you can trust this guy. Leave him.
He's been lying to you, big time, and it wasn't just a kiss or a stupid drunken night of sex, it has been months and months of sexting and more than likely sex, with people he sees every single day.
I'm sorry you're going through this! I'm so sorry, hun! It is completely wrong and inappropriate on his part. While I understand you've built a life together and there's something to be said for that...do you think you'll ever be able to trust him again? Honestly? I'm a firm believer in 'work it out' and i know people make mistakes (not like there's any justification on his part) and blah blah blah...but do you ever think the trust is going to come back? I would spend most of my energy on answering that question before I decided if or how to work things out, what I need from him, etc. Because if you answer 'no' you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with this person and you will never be happy in that relationship. He can go to the ends of the earth, but if that won't change things, as far as trust is concerned, you're just masking pain, disappointment and fear. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like that? Are you willing to always wonder every time he gets a text if it's another woman or not? And are you able to keep your mind from expanding the situation in your head to including physical relationships with women? If you can't give this man your trust again...you can't have a working relationship. It's that simple. Heartbreaking...but simple.
I would feel so hurt and angry if something like this happened to me.. My guy would lose all my trust and what is a relationship without trust? Do some counseling seperately and together for a few months with him living elsewhere. After that, you decide if the relationship can be mended.
@Bubu82: I was thinking the same thing. My ex cheated, and even though he denied it, I still got checked a few times over the next 2 years (every 6 months) to make sure I didn't get anything.
OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but if his answer is taht this is the norm with his job, then he's a worthless pos. Regardless if it really is or not, he CHOSE to respond, instead of reminding this woman he loves his FI and wants no part of it. If I found this kind of stuff on my husband's phone, I would go postal and then leave. Sorry, but this is cheating, no matter how he tries to spin it, and if he's doing it with not 1 but 2 women, he will continue to do so. Especially since he doesn't even seem remorseful or even bother to do whatever he can to get your forgiveness.
As another poster said, if you want to try counseling, let HIM do the work of finding a place and setting it up. You are just a participant, he needs to do ALL the work to prove he really wants this to work.
I will say, this exact thing happened to one of my best friends, except it was through email and not texts. She gave him 6 months to get his shit together and get them into counseling. The whole time, I am the go between because he is so distraught and can't imagine losing her, his whole world would crumble. But you know what? 6 months went by, and he didn't even so much as search for somewhere to go. She left, and regrets giving him the 6 months. They are now separated and she is goiing to be filing for divorce in Feb
((HUGS))
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