I need help ending it

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would sit him down and talk to him about all the issues you just talked about in your post. Maybe he just wasn’t ready to propose yet, took my guy 5 1/2 years to be ready! The kids thing is definitely a dealbreaker though and you guys need to decide on that issue before even thinking about marriage.

But from the title of your post it sounds like you aren’t really wanting to work it out….

Post # 3
250 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry but you are right and you should not marry someone hoping they will change.  Are you all living together? I would just be honest and say that you do not see a future with him. Your goals and his are no longer the same.  tell him that you love him but things need to change.  If it is meant to be maybe he will change and you can be together in the future. Good luck and hugs!!!

Post # 4
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Consultette:  Do NOT wait to marry or marry someone you hope will change. PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE unless they want to. He doesn’t want kids, and you seem like you’re on the fence but are leaning towards at least having the option of kids on the table. Before you break it off, I would say to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 years and how he feels about getting engaged/married. If you a) don’t get any answer or b) don’t get the answer you were hoping for, I would suggest breaking it off. Why waste your time on someone who isn’t sure they want to marry you (if that’s what you want) and is on a different page on something as serious as children? Only you know your relationship and if you’re willing to stay with him without marriage or kids being on the table then great! If not, you know where the door is…

I really wish you luck. A situation like this is never easy and I hope you make the decision that will make you the most happy and fulfilled.

Post # 5
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The kids thing is the real reason to end it. Don’t keep going assuming he’s going to change his mind on that.  You’d be doing both of you a disservice. 

Post # 6
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Do not marry someone hoping they will change to a specific position. Yes, people change and grow over time, but you should marry them because you have mutual values and goals you hope to achieve together. IMO, the changes from not wanting kids would be asking him to change his values- which are deep seeded. 

A co-worker of mine wanted children and after marriage found out that he really didn’t. They divorced 8-9 months later. I am not saying that if you marry him, you will get divorced- I am just telling a story where two people had inherently different values and life goals, and in the end they decided that they would be better suited to find someone who has similar values and life goals. 

Post # 7
57 posts
Worker bee

I agree with PPs. You need to sit down and talk with him about where you see yourselves in 5 years, whether or not kids are an option, etc. The amount of time you date shouldn’t be a huge factor in breaking up (BF and I have been together a little over 3 years, and I’ve seen other people post that they dated much longer before getting engaged), but your life goals need to align in order for the relationship to truly progress. 

Post # 8
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Consultette:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you might do well to sit down and have a serious talk about the goals each of you has for yourself and for your relationship, assuming you decide to stay together. When I first starting seeing my now-FI, my mom had one piece of advice: get on the same page about expectations regarding kids. Because if you decide to get married, thinking that you’ll get him to change his opinion on having kids, you will more than likely wind up disappointed. I think you should tell him exactly what you said here: that you’d be okay with his lack of an engagement timetable if you decide you definitely don’t want kids – but that you’re not there yet. 

If at the end of the conversation you still aren’t on the same page/have different goals or expectations for your future, then you’ll know that it’s time to move on – and because you’ll have been talking about it, ending the relationship will not come out of the blue to him. Wishing you much luck in finding a resolution that makes you happy. Hugs!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  ladybennett. Reason: ah, typos
Post # 9
7911 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

In the words of Nike: Just do it.


Really- say your truth. Get the first sentence out and the rest will follow.

Post # 10
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

sara_tiara:  +100

Listen to what he’s telling you. He doesn’t want children and he has no interest in getting married at the point in his life. You do. You’re going in two separate directions and you both owe it to each other and yourselves to move on and find happiness elsewhere. 

Post # 11
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Tell him basically what you said in that last paragraph. Tell him what you told us, which is the truth. 

I know it’s difficult, but you can do it. 

Don’t do what your mom suggested. Don’t stay in the relationship and hope that he’ll change his mind. Do what your instincts and your logic are telling you to do: end the relationship and move on. 

Post # 12
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Consultette:  first of all, congratulations on your success in your career. that’s amazing. as far as your relationship with your SO goes: have a talk with him. it should be a calm and productive discussion, done with love. however, use it as your opportunity (and his) to voice fears, concerns, hesitations, etc. find out why you aren’t on the same page, and if any of it is a deal breaker.

i’m somewhat in the minority of ladies that are waiting, but i feel that a guy has just as much right to NOT be ready as a woman does to BE ready for marriage. it’s a big committment, and a person cannot help how he/she feels. that being said, if you ARE ready for marriage and want things to move forward in the relationship, he needs to know that. and, you need to know why he hasn’t progressed things…the real reason. let him tell you without consequence. he needs to feel like he can tell you just like you can tell him.

if it’s just that he’s not ready, but it’s still something you both want, that’s awesome. the bigger question at that point is how to move forward, and also of course you’ll need to discuss the subject of children. you are the only one who can decide if that one is a deal breaker. if he says he absolutely does not want kids, but he still has plans for marriage, then you have to decide if that’s something you are good with.

if he does not want marriage and/or kids and that is NOT something you can live with, you do need to end it. which, that’s the point of your post anyway…how? honestly and lovingly.

“Mr. Consultette, I love you. I know that you love me too, and that we have both put a lot into our relationship. We’ve put 2 1/2 years into this, but you and I both know that we want different things out of our futures now…different from when we started. That’s not a bad thing, it just means that trying to merge them will only cause collision. We’re not on the same page–after our talk about everything, I think it’s best to end things so that we can both pursue what we really want. I love you, but we both need different things at this point that neither of us is willing to budge on.”

Keep it ammicable if possible, because no sense in hurting each other just for the heck of it. It sucks but if it’s the right call, it’ll be worth it. hug.


ETA: someone once told me that “if someone tells/shows you who they really are, listen to them.” if he’s telling you already how he feels, he’s very likely being honest. listen to him.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  MrsHalpert.
Post # 13
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Kudos to you for moving forward in your career and recognizing that you need to walk away. I do not intend to be rude as I do not know your or your mother’s age. Usually, parents are from a different era, where men did the “responsible” thing and married. In this day and age, both parties must want the same things.

Do not marry someone who specifically says that they do not want children and you do. People get divorced for much less… It is unlikely that either of you will change your stance, and due to that your marriage will crumble. Another reason to avoid marrying him is that he seems totally uninterested in marrying you. This man went back on his word. He said he wanted to marry you and gave you a specific timeframe. Then when he failed to keep his promise, his explanation for not doing so was that he did not have one. What?! 

He also thought that if he did not propose to you within the stated timeframe, that you were going to dump him. Perhaps, that is what he actually wanted. I have seen men do this time and again. Sometimes it is because they do not wish to come off as the bad guy by ending the relationship. Other times it is because they are too cowardly or too comfortable. Either way, it ends up wasting quite a bit of a woman’s time. 

You sound like a hardworking and intelligent woman. You know what you want, and do not seem to be afraid to go after it! You should take that same spunk and apply it to your love life. Please, walk away with your head held high. Tell him exactly what you told us, that you love him, but you have to let him go. The sooner you move on, the sooner a newer and better chapter in your life can begin. Best of luck to you!

Post # 14
3778 posts
Honey bee

The PP’s have given you excellent advice.

As someone who walked away from a 4 and a half year long relationship at the start of this year for pretty much the exact same reasons, trust me when I say, I know how hard this is for you right now, but it really doesn’t sound like it is meant to be. Be strong, once it done you will know it was the right thing but the way you feel. If you would like to PM me feel free. x

Post # 15
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly, everything seemed like it could work out…until I got to the part where you want kids and he doesn’t. You may be waiting forever, and don’t wait for someone to change because he may not.

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