Post # 1
Okay, so two nights ago my best friend decided that she isn’t going to be in my wedding. We had an appointment at David’s Bridal to go get her, and my other bridesmaids dresses and the night before she decided to bail because she doesn’t think she’ll be able to pay. She’s known about my wedding and that the wedding dress costs $120 for about 2 months. Last month she started picking up extra shifts at work and working like crazy to get the new Iphone that came out. My fiance told her he would pay for the whole thing if she would just pay him back later. He doesn’t make a lot of money and has his own bills to pay. Her boyfriend doesn’t have a job so when they go out to eat (which they do quite often) she pays for both of them, and dessert after. She lives with her parents and only has to pay for her car payment. Last weekend she even told me she had a huge paycheck! After all of this she told me that she can’t afford the dress even with my fiance paying for it so she can save up a little bit and pay him back!
So now on to the real issue, in the beginning I asked who she wanted me to invite from her family and she said all of them, which is her mom, stepdad, and two little sisters. She also wants her boyfriend to come. I was perfectly fine with this in the beginning because I figured she was in the wedding so I should allow it. My wedding is going to cost about $20 a person so it would cost me $120 to invite her whole family. The place I am having my wedding only holds 70 maximum so I have had to cut people off my wedding list that I want there and I had done it to fit her 6. I was recently going over my guestlist to send out invitations and I’ve decided I am not inviting all of them. How do I tell her, or put on an invitation that not all are invited? Should I just address it to her? But if I do what if she sends it back and it says 6 people are coming?!
She is my only friend and it hurts that my wedding didn’t mean anything to her. The whole time I’ve been planning she hasn’t really cared. My mom and fiance told me this would probably happen since she has always been selfish but I thought she’d come through for me on my wedding day! What are all of your thoughts on the situation? How should I tell her that her whole family is not invited?
Post # 3
I think it depends on if you actually told her the family is “in”. I think it also depends on where you see your friendship going with her.
I don’t think it’s very nice to “retract” invites after they’ve been made. I also understand your disinterest in inviting her entire family.
If you havent committed to inviting her family you would probably want to call her and tell her that while you’d hoped to accommodate the entire group, it just isnt possible. I would definitely NOT just send the invitation with only her on it if you care anything about this friendship.
Post # 4
Wait…. she’s still invited to the wedding?
I know you said she’s your only friend. But honey, I’d rather have no friends than someone like that in my life. She treats you like your wedding (and by extention, your feelings) doesn’t/don’t matter, doesnt help you plan, bails on you and spends money on other things AND wont let your Fiance pay for it and pay him back? Sweetie, it just sounds to me like she’s not a friend worth having. I’m sorry if this is harsh but if it were me I’d rather not have her at the wedding if she doesnt care enough to make an effort. (this actually happened to me recently and it was the best thing I did, letting that friendship go!)
if you are going to invite her to the wedding, however, just say that you’ve reserved/included 1 seat for her. If she puts down more than one (for her boyfriend or family) then call her and say that you’re sorry but you can no longer afford to have her family at the wedding. She doesnt need to know that you’re inviting other people in their place.
Post # 5
i really dont think its a case of being selfish , about the bridesmaids dress……if she honestly cant afford it then why should she go into debt with your fiance to buy it. it is your wedding after all, in Uk the brides pay for the dresses and i wholeheartedly agree with that. if i want them, and i want them to wear that dress for me…….i pay.
it doesnt matter how big a pay check she had last month or how many times she eats out, her finaces are really none of your concern.
she might be able to buy the dress, but if she had other plans for the money, which she has every right to do, then maybe she cant afford the dress.
she has prioritised and the dress did not come into her priorities, and if you was my friend i would be mega insulted if you questioned my finances that way.
that being said, she should have not agreed in the first place to be a bridesmaid for you.
and also i think you are being very generous inviting her family, how close are they to you and your hubby to be? because its about who you want at the wedding really, not who your bridesmaid wants.
money is not worth losing a friend over.
Post # 6
Unless you are super super close to her family, I wouldn’t invite them. I would send her an invite addressed to friend + guest. That way her family won’t get any wrong ideas. And if she asks about her family just explain that finances are tight and you needed to cut the guest list. It’s your wedding, you don’t owe this girl an explanation.
Post # 7
I agree with Bostongrl25. She’ll understand your reasoning about finances being tight; especially since she is giving you the same reason for not being in your party.
I know it hurts to have close friends who don’t share your enthusiasm for your wedding (I know from personal experience) but at the end of the day, don’t let this ruin your friendship. There maybe more at play than just the money – not everyone handles their best friend’s marriages well.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone! There are some details that I kind of left out… like the fact that she’s 17 and I don’t think my wedding is high up on her list of priorities at all! I’m only 18 and we’re both only high school seniors but we are both on two totally different maturity levels. I’m graduating high school with two years of college done. I honestly don’t think I will be inviting her whole family. I used to be close with them but everytime I talk about the wedding they say I’m too young which bugs me and I do not want negative people at my wedding. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years and we’ve known eachother for a very long time. I didn’t mean to sound rude when I was talking about her finances. She’s always bragging about how much she makes to me. She works at a restaurant that pays them normal pay AND they get tips. It just hurt that she flaunts her money, then when it comes to my wedding day it’s all of a sudden not there. In the beginning when I said my fiance would help her she agreed and I even made my David’s Bridal appointment to fit into her schedule. It’s honestly not all about the money. She acted like my wedding means nothing. My dad even told me he would pay for her dress if I really want her in my wedding, but I don’t think I want her in it. I just do not think if she acts like my wedding isn’t important then I shouldn’t have to spend $120 to feed her family. I was thinking of just doing the “______+ guest” on the invitation. I haven’t sent invitations out yet so I am not retracting the invite but instead not sending them one. I guess I’m just in a totally different life position than her so I shouldn’t really worry about it.
If she was the one getting married I would be so excited for her. I re-read my first post and realized it did sound kind of snotty, but there’s just too many other underlying issues to the problem. I don’t think this would have bothered me as much if she would have said no two months ago when I asked her to be in my wedding. I do wish I could just pay for all my bridesmaids dresses but unfortunately, that would cost too much! All of my other bridesmaids are family and more than excited to be in my wedding. Even my sister’s best friend is more excited for her daughter to be my flowergirl!!
Post # 9
@BLC824: Wait – so you guys are both in high school? That changes things a lot. I’m sorry but I just don’t think (most) high school girls understand the importance and signifigance of this. I also don’t how in the world in high school I’d be able to afford a bridesmaid dress. Also – if you’ve made it seem like paying for the dress is a HUGE deal then maybe she thinks you don’t want her in the wedding. Why don’t you offer to buy her the dress? You say she’s your only friend – is a dress worth losing a friend over?
Post # 10
I agree with Bostongrl25 about inviting her family. Just her plus one guest and she can choose who she wants to invite. Unless you’re close to her parents, in which case, invite them too, and her plus one.
Regarding her finances, I don’t think it is really anyone’s place to make judgment calls on other people’s financial situation, and criticize what they spend money on. You may do it differently, but you are not her and she is allowed to spend her money the way she wants. If she doesn’t want to spend the $120 for the dress, she does not get to be in the wedding. She has made that choice and now you know where she stands on that.