Post # 1
From the friendship I have with my MOH. (I’m a very regular bee going anonymous since my MOH used to sometimes check my account)
I have made two posts about her before:
This is about her depression: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-best-friend-is-really-depressed-what-do-i-do#axzz2KtSM62aY
and this is about when I was her MOH and how terrible it was. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-to-be-upset-with-my-best-friend#axzz2KtSM62aY
Lets sum it up- I felt used and mistreated during her wedding as her MOH. 8 months later, I still feel bitter about the whole situation. I went so far out of my way to make sure everything was great for her and I have yet to receive a thank you. Much less a thank you note for the Kitchen Aid that FH and I purchased for her.
Now that my wedding is one month away, she is refusing to speak to me. Where is she now that its her turn to help?! I know she is in a terrible place mentally (and I’m trying so hard to understand her situation) but I’m having trouble not getting bitter about everything. I’m starting to feel like this friendship may not be healthy for me. It is starting hit me that over the last year, I’ve cared for our friendship much more than she has. I feel like I’ve been the only reason we are still friends. I feel emotionally drained. I feel like the girl who can’t get over her ex (except this is not sexual.) I’m starting to feel angry and resentful toward her.
Oh and a bee suggested that I put something in the mail for her to cheer her up. Well, she received the package on Tuesday (delivery confirmation)—A completely awesome Hallmark Card, 2 DVDs from her Amazon wishlist and a necklace that she had pinned on Pinterest (with receipt in case she wanted to exchange.) No thank you, no text, no phone call. No response from her when I asked if she got it.
I cant do this. She was probably the best friend (besides FH) that I’ve ever had and I’m having trouble letting go and accepting things arent the same. How do I move on?
Post # 3
Only time can heal your pain. Just live your life to the best of your ability.
Post # 4
Wow, this must be really hard for you. I would just resolve to put her out of your mind. You’ve got so much going on right now – try to focus on the positives.
Post # 5
That really stinks! Try spending more time with your other friends. Or making new ones!
Post # 6
@diyboudoirr: Your pain is so clear — I’m sorry you’re in such a seemingly hopeless situation. I’m also torn regarding what advice might be most helpful to you. I’ve suffered from severe depression and withdrew from all my friends, so part of me wants to say continue to be loving and supportive during her time of need. But I’ve also been on the receiving end of mentally ill people’s hurtful behavior and neglect, so part of me wants to say cut her loose for your own peace and sanity. Is she treating her depression? A lot of people shy away from medication, but it can be a lifesaver — literally! And it can take a long time to find the right prescription and right dosage too. I tried 4 different antidepressants over a year and a half before finally getting on the right one. I was on it for a couple years and it made life bearable. It made a big difference, and I strongly recommend that anyone with depression be open to the idea. Maybe you can suggest it to her husband?
If you decide to move on, please don’t hate her. You should not feel guilty for protecting your own heart and emotions, but I hope you will understand that she is ill, and is not deliberately abandoning you. If she recovers from her depresion and reaches out, I hope you’ll consider forgiving her. I never did reach out to my friends when I got well, because I was too embarassed. I thought surely they all hate me or just don’t even care any more. I didn’t blame them for “moving on” — not at all. I love them as much today as I ever did, I just hope they know I’m sorry I wasn’t there for their important moments. I always loved them, just like I’m sure your friend still loves you.
Post # 7
@Daisy_Mae: I completely understand what you are saying. I’m trying so hard to understand how she feels but every day just gets a little harder. We are already long distance friends, so not talking to her about anything going on in her life over the last two months is hard. Its like trying to be friends with the air. I really want to be the best friend I can to her but I also dont want to be that friend who cant take a hint. I see her posting things on Pinterest all day, but I’m not worthy of a text? I dont understand. I’ve started to feel like my texts bother her or perhaps I did something wrong.
I know she is upset about stuff going on in her life but I also know from facebook that she goes outside and has coffee with friends. I feel like if I dont be blunt and tell her how I feel, she will come arrive the week of the wedding thinking things are great when in reality I will have hopefully moved on by then.
I also did mention her seeing a doctor to her husband, but he wouldnt even hear me out one bit. I went on a low dose of Celexa and thought somethign like that would help her but I was out of line for suggesting.
Post # 8
I’m sorry this sucks. Given that she sees other friends and her lack of consideration for you and her treatment of you leading up to her wedding, I’d say she’s just not a good friend anymore, if she ever was, whatever depression she’s going through. I’m sorry you have a non-communicative “friend” who won’t give you the time of day or give you the courtesy to at least acknowledge she’s been MIA. I can be a flake, but this is over the top. I would have a real talk with her. Ask her why she hasn’t been talking to you, responding to messages, gifts etc and tell her that you’re beginning to wonder if you’re friends anymore. If she shrugs it off or still doesn’t respond, I’d get a new MOH!
Post # 9
@sept22insf: Exactly. I can be a flake too… but if I go missing and somebody gives me a phone call or three then I’ll pick up and *at least* make an excuse as to what happened. I feel like I’m being blown off. I do understand that she is depressed, but cant people with depression send a simple text. FH is now upset with me because I sent her a message that could be seen as “rude” when we are supposed to be “comforting and helping her.” Meh.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
OP, if your friend is having actual mental health troubles instead of just a blue spell: Unless any of us have been truly clinically depressed, we are not in a position to judge. It’s easy enough to think “WTF, just man up and send a nice quick note”, etc. But having had very close experience with mental health troubles, all I can say is that it’s truly impossible to understand if you haven’t been in that position before.
I think you just have to accept that she is not in her right mind right now. It’s nothing personal, she is physically unable to act like the friend you have always known. It’s your call if you want to cut her off because of it. Otherwise, just try to support her as best you can and hope that she will come through on the other side. (The part about her husband getting pissed when you mentioned treatment, etc is a whole nother issue. There’s a lot of new research out showing that the longer depression and other mental issues – eg bipolar and psychophrenia – go untreated, the more permanent damage it does to your brain. It’s really really bad to just ignore it.)
Post # 11
@lolot: I know 🙁 I really feel for her and I still really want to be there to help, but I’m becoming so bitter about it. There is no way I can tell how she may feel but after hanging on to nothing for so long is terrible, its feels like its killing me. Seeing her in photos with other friends on FB hurts, seeing her post things on Pinterest like nothing is wrong hurts. Knowing that she hangs out with new friends but cant be bothered by one text hurts. Knowing that she treated me like sh*t during her wedding and is now abandoning me during mine without as much as a text makes me sad. I keep telling myself that she is hurting but I’m finding it almost impossible not be bitter about it. I really want to be there for her and be a good friend, I want to be understanding but I dont know how to at this point.