Post # 1
I need honest opinions here. My very good friend (and one of my bridesmaids) is having an out-of-state bachelorette party. For starters, I think these are crazy and I would never ask my friends to do this. I had a bach this year as well and it was in our own city so I don’t really feel like I owe anyone an out-of-town trip.
I also don’t like the girls that are going. This is a very good friend of mine but our social circles do not really mix and I do not in any way enjoy the company of her friends. I like one other person going.
My husband and I do not make a lot of money. We pull in like $60,000 a year combined. I’m by no means in poverty or anything, but I would never spend $1000+ on something that 1. was a luxury and 2. wasn’t even for my enjoyment.
I do like the location, but I would much prefer to save my money and go on a trip with my husband than with these girls. We really don’t agree with destination bachelor/bachelorette parties and don’t feel we should have to attend.
In fact, my husband turned down a trip to Vegas with his boys because it wasn’t affordable. So now I feel like it’s only fair that I also don’t go off on a solo trip that we shouldn’t be spending money on.
So now the hard part. I hate telling people no. And I care what they think about me. I really don’t want to come off as an unsupportive friend. I don’t want to tell them I can’t afford it because they told me like a year in advance and I’m sure I could get the money together, but I just straight up don’t want to. And like I said, this isn’t just an acquantaince, it is one of my best friends whose wedding party I am a part of. With a bunch of girls I don’t like.
What do I tell her? I want to be able to say no without feeling guilty. Or do I have an obligation to suck it up and go even though it means not going somewhere with my own husband for a couple years?
Post # 3
@beeshurt: Can you offer to take her out for a girls party night in town before her wedding?
Post # 4
@beeshurt: Say, “I would love to, but I really can’t afford it. Buddy [obviously your husband] has to get his brakes replaced, so we just can’t. I’m sorry!”
Then…if she offers to pay for you to go, you accept graciously. If she does not, you invite her to come over for dinner one night.
Oh and make sure Buddy knows about his brakes. They need to be replaced.
Post # 5
Tell her that unfortunately, as much as you’d love to be there and celebrate with her, you simply can’t afford it right now. I’d then offer to take her out to celebrate in town, like VAwife suggested.
Post # 6
Does the “I can’t afford it right now” excuse still work when it’s not even until next year and she’s asking me now?
Post # 7
@beeshurt: For sure. It sucks saying no to people (I just had to do it for a girls weekend out of town with my friends), but you’ve got to. Just say “I know it’s a long way off, but Husband and I have a lot of expenses coming up – plus you know we’re trying to save for XYZ (an anniversary trip, a house, a new car, pay off student loans, etc). I just don’t think we can swing the trip”. She’ll say “Oh, no, what a bummer!” and you say “But I would love to have you come over for dinner/take you to a winery/go to a beer tasting/go out to the Melting Pot (because who doesn’t like the Melting Pot?) to celebrate. I know you guys will have a fantastic time without me, I’m bummed I’ll be missing it!”
And hey, maybe your friend will be relieved – maybe she realizes that you don’t mesh well with the other BMs and she’s worried it might be uncomfortable for you.
Post # 8
@beeshurt: Hmm. Not really. “I’m sorry, Dandelion, but Buddy and I are saving to buy a [insert large item: yacht, vacation home, first home, bigger home, transformer, whatever] and I just know I won’t be able to afford it.”
Post # 9
I don’t recommend lying, I’d just be honest about it.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t make it. I’ll take you out for drinks/dinner/whatever after you get back to celebrate instead!”
ETA- Oh, I just saw your update that it’s next year. Maybe plans will change before then and you won’t have to worry about it? Either way, if you genuinely won’t be able to afford it, there’s no harm in telling her now!
Post # 10
I feel like saying OK now just to appease the situation and then saying no when it gets closer and I really can’t afford it.
Post # 11
I would say that you and your husband have committed to saving for x and that non-couple/work trips are something you guys jointly decided to cut. Add that since he said no to a trip already (vegas), that you’d feel really guilty reneging on your agreement and not doing the same. Tell her that you still support her and would love to make it up to her by treating her to your own little girls’ day: mani/pedis or a wine tour or something.
Post # 12
To add: I would NOT say you’re down and then flake out. Nothing’s more annoying/stressful than having people back out after plans have been made with a certain number of people in mind, and then either the remaining group gets stuck with splitting the costs of the person/people who backed out or someone needs to do some fancy footwork to rebook/plan things and bring the cost down.
Post # 13
Just lie, make up an excuse we can’t afford it right now we just loaned someone money to pay off whatever. you might feel bad about lying but you get out of the trip and they won’t think badly.
Post # 14
@starbuckslover: Yeah, you’re right, that’s the worst.
Post # 15
I’m sure she will understand. Any good friend woulnd’t want you to attend if you really didn’t want to, but don’t lie to her about your reasoning.
I plan on having a destination bachelorette party, but I don’t want anyone to feel pressured to attend for any reason, whether is too expensive, can’t take the time for work, or even if they don’t want to go.
Post # 16
I would say… ” That sound like a great time but we are saving for “this” and as of right now that isn’t something we can afford. If anything changes I’ll let you know but would love to take you out one night!”