(Closed) Please help, I am at a loss.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
395 posts
Helper bee


I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say / ask. Perhaps proof reading would help.

Post # 5
14498 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Has he done this before, or was this something rare for him?  That kind of not stopping isn’t good and usually has some sort of underlying problem, maybe work, maybe just frustration.  If he hasn’t done it before, just sit down and talk to him about it in a few days once the emotion is out of the picture.  You may also want to consider working out an “end” word or system.  Something that will snap his attention and tell him he has made his point and he is done.

Post # 8
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly, this sounds like he has a deeper rooted problem with your sister and he probably feels crappy that you werent standing up for him and instead ganged up on him in front of your sister which probably comes off emasculating.

Post # 10
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it is not cool for your husband to shout at your sister, even he might not do anything wrong. There are always better solutions like a peaceful explanation. He should send his apologies to your sister himself, not through you cuz he is completely wrong!

Post # 11
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sounds like they were both totally in the wrong, I’m not really sure why you’re only upset with him. Really what each of them did sounds equally bad to me, although at least what he did was provoked, unlike what she did. And it makes sense that he becomes more upset if your reaction is to tell him that he creates issues where none exist – if my sister sent my Fiance a nasty e-mail because she *couldn’t wait* (which honstly I hate it when people do that, it’s so over dramatic), I’d be pissed at her. Yeah, I’d be mad at him for yelling too because it was a definite overreaction, but she’s not innocent either. And the fact that he is the only one you’re mad at speaks volumes to me, and probably to him too.

I’d probably just let this one go. But it does sound to me like there is an underlying issue, and I would bet the issue is that your Fiance feels like you take your sister’s side and don’t stand up for him. If that is how he feels, well, I’d say he’s probably right based on your post, granted I only have the limited info you’ve posted to base that opinion on.

Post # 13
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@CurlyWurly: Yeah, there’s definitely no reason him to behave in such a way, yelling and not even giving her a chance to speak, I was just surprised that none of the other posters commented on what your sister did, and just felt it at least needed to be mentioned. I can definitely understand getting annoyed at him going from calm to angry and yelling with nothing in between. I’m glad he’s remorseful now but I would be concerned about it happening in the future, though moreso with you than family,

Maybe part of the reason I didn’t see his behavior as a big deal like some of the other posters is because I grew up with a dad like this – he was typically a calm nice guy, but when he got pissed off it was sudden and he would just lose his cool with no warning and scare the crap out of us. Eventually my mom insisted on marriage counseling if they were going to stay together, and I’m very happy to say that it has helped tremendously, I can’t remember the last time he lost his temper. If this is a common occurence, has your Darling Husband ever tried counseling or anger management? I’m sure he wouldn’t be thrilled at the idea, but it could help.

Post # 16
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@CurlyWurly: I’m sorry this happened. It seems like something else may have set him off for him to act so out of character and plow on ahead with his shouting despite your sister’s tears. Have you told him how much it startled you, and asked him why he chose that route of handling the situation? Does he think, in hindsight, that it was the right decision to make? Is he aware of how destructive his approach was and how it really didn’t achieve his goal? You both must work together to find ways to problem solve without the situation dissolving into what transpired last night. See what you can come up with together. It isn’t enough to ask questions and get answers — you two need a clear plan from here on out to prevent such a situation in the future. (EDIT: I see now that he acknowledges he has trouble managing his anger. There must be a professional he can talk with about this near you or, even through video chatting services like Skype. Look into it, and support him through it.)

To that end, your sister needs to learn to not be so reactionary as well. It seems you all three of you have an unusually close relationship and a happy sense of family in that I’m sure. But for her to write those accusatory emails so quickly set him off in a negative and defensive direction, so she needs to know not to react so extremely ever again either.

I also find it strange that she would ask you to leave the room because it is between she and your husband…? I kinda see where she is coming from in wanting to not drive a wedge between you, but to suggest that this is something exclusively between him and her is really awkward. He is your husband, and you are married and stand together. Plus, I’m not sure if your sister should ask you to leave the room in your own house. It seems really dismissive of your *rank* in the home, if you will, and by doing so, she essentially set you up to either: a) leave your husband alone to fend for himself or b) remain in the room and judge the situation, having to take his or her side. Either way, that’s not a fun position to be in and was highly unfair to you.

It may help if both she and your husband take a step back in their knowing of each other and that she not seek him out as a confidential source in the future. I know I don’t know the full story here, and not to say that she cannot trust him with such information again. But from what I gather, all of your relationships, particularly your marriage, was compromised as a result of her sharing some intimate detail of her life with your husband. Truly, look how much this exploded out of proportion and it all initiated with her sharing something with him, right? Certainly, this is no excuse for your husband’s shouting, but simply to pinpoint where this all started and it was much before your husband came home last night. So, as you can see, it might behoove her to seek counsel elsewhere for your sake.

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