I need honest feedback

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2502 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Azreal:  Hi, I think sometimes men and women just think differently.

Women: Okay lube and massage oil from past relationships, first of all ew gross throw them out, 2nd of all I know we’ve both been in past relationships but I really don’t need visual proof of your past sexcapades in my bathroom, throw them out!. 3rd are you kidding me? throw them out. 4thly- total mood killer to bring a half used bottle of massage oil to the bedroom when I know you used the other half on someone else, throw them out. 5th bringing a half used tube of lube to the bed – please see number 4 and throw it the f*** out before you need the lube to get my foot out of your ass :p 6th if you don’t want us asking insecure pouty questions about your past sexcapades, don’t keep reminding us of them.

Men: It’s just a tube of lubricant, what’s the big deal?

 

Post # 3
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

RobbieAndJuliahaha:  Its kind of old if you’ve been together almost 2 years. Isn’t it getting nasty?

Post # 4
Member
2502 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Azreal:  p.s. 2 years isn’t really a terribly long time to wait BUT since you’ve already become a blended family AND purchased a house together (both very big steps/ commitments) I think you have the right to know exactly where things stand. Saying he doesn’t respond well to being pushed and pressured seems to me like an “I don’t want to deal with it” cop out to avoid answering questions you have a right to ask. I’m not saying it’s okay to bring it up all the time, but he should be at least willing to have a serious talk with you about the future and a possible timeline. You should also ask him why he’s feeling insecure (asking if you love him etc). Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
Member
41816 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Azreal:  FYI- you only get to delete 3 threads so if you post on the wrong Board in the future, just flag your own post and ask a mod to move it for you, or post a request on the Support Board- upper left of the screen.

1. I`m a big believer in direct communication. Two people who have bought a house together and are parenting children together should be able to tak to each other. Can you sit down with him and ask what he sees as a calendar for your relationship? Is marriage on the radar screen? Or is it so far in the future it’s not showing up as a blip on the screen for him yet?

2. No ifs ands or buts. Those things get tossed. Go to an adult store on your own or go together if parents of teenagers ever get any time to themselves,  and purchase some replacements.

3. A technique we use in nursing for those patents who are always on the bell is to tell them we will check in with them every 15 minutes, then do it. If he needs reassurance, give it to him, but don’t wait for him to ask. Tell him. “Thanks for doing the dishes honey. I love you so much and am lucky to have you in my life.”

4. No you can’t boycott TV. But you can PVR everything so you can skip the commercials entirely.

 

Post # 6
Member
2502 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

nycsa:  yeah, good point, I think after 2 years I’d toss it even if it was used with my current partner 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He might be very happy with you and never want to get married again. I know several unmarried couples who have been together over 20 years and seem very happy together.  If he doesn’t want to get married and you want to stay together, you should probably have a contract regarding the house, joint purchases, etc

Post # 8
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Azreal:  Just wondering why you’ve bought a house together if you aren’t engaged/married or at least able to have a conversation about it?  Perhaps when he is feeling insecure, besides expressing how much you love him, send the kids out to a movie, and perhaps you could gently remind him that you would love, love, love, to be “more” committed to him than just a large “homeowner” purchase.  And yeah, tell him you’d like to throw out the old crap, and buy some lovely new stuff for yourselves as an early Christmas present.  😉  And I know there must be a better “line” you can use when someone asks about the two of you getting married, but I can’t think of any right now, lol, but maybe he doesn’t see the point? Or he’s unneccessarily scared?

Post # 11
Member
2502 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Azreal:  I’m an older bee and both SO and I have been in other relationships (we’re both divorced), we don’t live together yet though. I don’t expect him to get rid of his entire past, but I don’t think the place for the ‘past’ is a nightstand drawer, especially now that you’re sharing this space with him. I wouldn’t mind SO holding on to a handful of old pics (after all they’re part of his history, ie prom pics, milestones in his kids’ life, that kind of stuff) or other momentos-  but I personally would toss (of my own stuff) love letters, racy pics that kind of thing. The past belongs in a keepsake box tucked away in basement storage or at least a back corner of the closet, not in a bedside drawer.

One thing I’m confused by- it could be possible your SO hasn’t even thought about them being there, except that you fairly recently bought a house together as a couple. Wouldn’t he have emptied out his drawers and packed everything for the move?

Post # 12
Member
3385 posts
Sugar bee

Azreal:  I would definitely talk to him about your feelings you are wrong in how you feel. Let him know that while he may be fine how your relationship is you would like to be married to him, you would like to be his actual wife. (You are kind of married with how you’re living).

As for the lube….no wtf bro, that’s nasty. He should have thrown that out a long time ago. I could never imagine using lube that I had used with someone else with my husband…Both my husband have things given to us by our exes, clothes or jewelry that we still wear, but never condoms, lube, anything sexual…that’s just too weird.

Post # 13
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Azreal:  Good Luck!  Just get all cozy and ask! Maybe he needs a bigger hint!!   Let us know how it goes.  

Post # 14
Member
6550 posts
Bee Keeper

It bothers me that with four kids and a home shared between you, that you are not entitled to answers about your own future. Personally, in your situation  there would have been no home purchase for me without a commitment. IMO it’s not very fair to the children, either.  It also bothers me that he feels free to express his insecuritIes all the time, but the minute you say something, it’s shut down. Lastly, the medicine chest gets cleaned out. 

Post # 15
Member
2502 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

weddingmaven:  Excellent points, there are 6 people involved here not just him. And you really picked up on something with “It also bothers me that he feels free to express his insecurities all the time but the minute you say something, it’s shut down” , I hope you’ll point this out to him Azreal, it’s very one sided of him and unfair to you.

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