Post # 1
Hi everyone and thanks in advance for any advice I recieve.
My girlfriend and I have been dating now for about 10 months and quickly in our relationship realized we wanted to get married. We originally wanted to get engaged 4 months into our relationship, but I later suggested we wait a few more months just to be sure we really wanted to get married. I felt it was a bit too soon for that. She was dissapointed but agreed. We also set a wedding date for end of May 2013. We are now 10 months into our relatiosnhip and I am very close to proposing to her, but there was a major snag this week that is threatening to destroy everything.
The problem is basically that my sister, who lives in Europe, can’t make the wedding for May. Her daugter is writing University entrance exams which typically take several weeks to write, and happen to coincide with our wedding date. Her daughter also needs to go through physical and IQ exams due to her wanting to become a naval officer. This whole process takes time and my sister told me that they can only come after July 15. That would mean that we would have to postpone our wedding by about two months or so.
A few nights ago I mentioned all this to my girlfriend and she just went ballistic. She flat out refused to postpone our wedding for that long and is only willing to reschedule it by the most a few weeks. I told her that I wouldnt get married if my sister was not there. She says that I’m not fair and that I don’t think of her and what she wants. I was really not expecting this reaction from her and it has upset me to no end. I’m also stressed behond belief at this point. My sister can’t understand why she can’t postone the wedding by a few months to accomodate her and her daughter. I also feel that due to the fact I’m paying for the entire wedding, I should have some extra leeway here.
At this point I don’t know what to do. My sister has told me she can’t come before July 15 and my girl friend refuses to wait that long. I’m really beginning to feel the only way out is to end the whole thing and move on. I do love my girlfriend, but if she’s causing me this much stress now, what’s going to happend when were married?
Any suggestions folks?
Post # 3
Well, I think your girlfriend is showing her true colors. 10 months isn’t really that long to be dating, and maybe she’s showing how she really acts. Is there any particular reason she feels like the wedding has to be no later than May? I can’t imagine telling my fiance to basically pick between me and his sister (which she is basically doing to you). I think you need to try to talk to her again and mention that your sister being at the wedding is incredibly important to you and there’s no getting around that, so the two of you need to figure out a solution together that gets everyone there to celebrate your wedding.
Post # 4
you should be able to compromise. and so should your GF. talk to her aboutwhy she wants to be married so badly and why you want your sis there. not unreasonable at all. also you may end up regretting it after if you dont get to have your sis there and may resent your wife…
Post # 5
I think she is really wrong here, she’s willing to wait until May but not July? That’s only 2 more months? I would ask her why she can’t wait for 2 more months compared to a lifetime together. 2 months is not long…
Post # 6
Personally I think if your GF doesn’t want to wait until July AND you don’t want to wait until July, then your sister will have to miss the wedding. Your GF will become your wife and you should prioritize her over yout sister.
Post # 7
Trust your instincts, she is showing her true colors already and it’s doesn’t look pretty. It’s such a short period of time so it selfish and childish of her, I would also really question someone who wouldn’t care that such an important member of my family wasn’t there for my wedding.
I would change my dates in heartbeat if my brothers couldn’t make it.
Post # 8
I agree with the PPs. Ten months of dating is not long enough to be “ballistic” over a postponement to accomodate a family member’s ability to attend. (If you’d been stringing her along for ten years, and postponing for all kinds of reasons, maybe then she’d be justified.)
I think, if having your sister there is important to you (and you’re not seriously reconsidering getting married to this girl right now anyway because of her unwillingness to compromise) make it clear that it is non-negotiable that your wedding be scheduled so that important family members can attend. If she’s unwilling to do that, then you need to decide whether marrying this girl is more important than having your sister at the wedding.
To some girls, a relationship is a means to a wedding. If I were in your spot, I’d be putting this wedding on hold indefinitely until I was secure that this girl wanted to be with me and I wasn’t just a prop in someone’s wedding fantasy.
Obviously you know your relationship better than us, but that would definitely be a concern to me if there was a blow up over a legitimate and logical reason for postponing a couple months.
Post # 9
Holy crap. She is doing this and you have been together only 10 months? And you are considering if you want to even be with her at all? I think you guys need to wait it out not for your sister, but to find out if you guys are even compatible.
Post # 10
@Beckster329: I don’t think it’s about the choice, but about the GF’s unwillingness to compromise.
It sounds like you guys aren’t ready to get married. Has she given you a good reason why she can’t wait? If it’s just because that’s how she wants it, that would be a big red flag. Furthermore, if you’re thinking about breaking up over a disagreement, it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page and shouldn’t be making such a commitment.
Post # 11
Yeah what’s the rush? If she cannot compromise, I would be questioning the relationship.
Post # 12
Why would a postponed date upset her? Doesn’t she plan on being with you forever? What about your want to have your sister attend one of the most important events in your life? It’s not like you’ve been together for 10+ years. Is there some underlying reason as to why she is in such a rush to get married (i.e. is older and wants kids, not a citizen, etc)? From your explanation it sounds like there are a few red flags here.
Post # 13
I also don’t really see the issue with waiting an extra two months. It isn’t like it’s two years and she isn’t paying so it’s not like she’s out a lot of money. I agree with PP, what is her reason it HAS to be in May, when a simple two month delay will allow all your family to be there? What else will she be throwing a fit about and unwilling to compromise on in the future? I think you need to have a serious talk with her and think about whether you want to be with someone like this forever.
Post # 14
She could be showing her true colors or she could just be feeling insecure. You call her your gf so you aren’t engaged yet, right? That time when you are talking about marriage but not engaged can be very stressful for women, it feels like a constant high pressure audition. Make sure she knows you are not unsure about marrying her, you are 100% sure on that, you just need to postpone the wedding a few months. If she continues to be unreasonable, though , that’s not a partner you want.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Relationships are about compromise and setting a wedding date is one of the first big compromises that you do as a couple planning your wedding and future marriage. Why is May so important? Why does she not care about your sister not being able to attend when your sister’s attendance is obviously important to you?
When we set our wedding date it was a nonspoken agreement that my FH wanted his friends and family from the UK to attend even though I have never met them and have no idea who they are. I even did a little research and narrowed down my expectations for a wedding date to the fews months that offer the cheapest plane tickets from the UK.
Find out why May is so important to your GF and why she refuses to compromise on something that you find so important. If she really loves you she will want what you want and I don’t think asking her two wait an additional 2-3 months is unreasonable to make sure your sister will attend the wedding.
Post # 16
“That time when you are talking about marriage but not engaged can be very stressful for women, it feels like a constant high pressure audition.”
@wilfred: This almost makes it sounds like women aren’t being 100% themselves during the relationship, in the attempts to convince a guy to marry them. If that’s what she’s doing, I’d run.