I need sister in law/bridesmaid help!!!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BEWLove:  I don’t think you have to do anything.  There is a reason your SIL doesn’t have any friends.  Be it social awkwardness, not wanting any, being scared, ect.  She isn’t going to go from not being social at all to liking all your friends and talking to them all night.  I donno that group’s dynamic is but if the rest know each other it makes it quadrupelly hard.  It’s much easier meeting people in a setting where the majority is meeting everyone for the 1st time.  If you’re a group of friends you have inside jokes and stuff and I’m sure she wouldn’t be included in all the conversation.

Anyway, it is not necessary for your SIL to be BFF with your friends.  It seems like she will go to your events.  I wouldn’t push it, just leave it at that.

Post # 5
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@BEWLove:  As someone who is socially awkward and introverted, I can honestly say that I don’t think your FSIL is purposely trying to do anything to upset you. She was excited to go to the event, but she probably doesn’t have very good social skills and she may have gotten nervous.

It’s also possible that she felt kind of left out depending on how well the rest of the group knows one another. My older sister, for example, had a group of friends in college who were all very nice. I got along with all of them when it was small groups, but when all of them were together it was tough to try and fit in. . . not because they purposely excluded people, but because they had so many inside jokes that anyone not in the group got left out. It made it really awkward for anyone else to try and become part of the group.

Have you thought about having her interact with just you and one other member of the Bridal party a bit? Like maybe you, your MOH, and FSIL could get coffee or lunch together? It could help her feel a bit more comfortable and relaxed at the next event if she has a chance to interact with her one on one a bit. People like me can get really really overwhelmed when they meet a bunch of people for the first time, especially if its in a loud public place where its tough to try and get to know someone.

Post # 6
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@BEWLove:  You tried your best to make SIL comfortable and feel included, and I don’t think there’s much else you can do besides that. It’s really up to her to get along with your BMs. If she wants to be quiet, then that’s okay too. Not everyone likes to be chatty with people they just met.

I hope you will stop taking her social oddities personally because I don’t think she’s trying to make your life harder. I know you want your BMs to have a good rapport, but you can’t force people to be friends. Leave it alone and try not to let it bother you! It’s not worth stressing over 🙂 

Post # 7
3156 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@BEWLove:  I had a similar situation.  My friends and my SIL are VERY different…all special in their own way but definitely wouldn’t have socialized outside wedding events.  My BMs spoke to her and included her in everything but beyond that it was up to her to the extent of how involved she was.  That’s her deal.  I wouldn’t worry about it…and she’s defintiely not doing anything to you.  It’s just the circumstance…it sounds like you kind of expected this so I wouldn’t be but so disappointed.

Post # 8
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BEWLove:  I don’t see a problem. She was shy but there wasn’t major drama and by the sound of it no one was rude. As for “every other wedding event” – are there really going to be that many where all or most of them are together? I would just let her warm to it at her own pace.

Post # 9
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@BEWLove:  Your friend sounds JUST like me when I meet groups of new people!

I get SO awkward and SO quiet. Even when I have a really great time! I’m still quiet and awkward! And it can take me YEARS to feel comfortable!

But I try super hard to smile and nod! But it’s usually pretty clear I’m uncomfortable.

That being said, as long as she keeps showing up to events, there’s no problem! She can’t change how she is without some very serious therapy–and that’s not in the BM list o’ responsibilities!

Post # 12
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@BEWLove:  I don’t think it’s anything that she is doing TO YOU specifically.

Whenever I’ve tried to compliment someone and they are all ‘really, how so?!’ (like you telling your BM that all the other BMs liked her and she sounded doubtful), I immediately think ‘this person is insecure, doubful, and negative’.  She’s probably FINE around you because you’ve done things to establish trust.

If someone is very shy it can cripple them to the point of social awkwardness, which is sad because they are missing out on life.  It’s also possible that she MAY be girly to you, but she doesn’t feel very girly in terms of her confidence in make up, clothing, hairstyle choices.  

Another thought I have is that maybe she’s seen too many sterotypical chick flicks (mean girls and heathers come to mind!) and she just thinks that all women gang up on other women (totally not true!).

My advice:  

-Introduce her to your friends on a smaller scale.  She likes your MOH, so maybe you and your MOH and FSIL just have lunch one day.  Then, maybe you do a mani/pedi with just you and a different member of your bridal party.  Yes, it might take a little bit of extra work on your part, but it’ll help her get assimilated to your friends instead of just throwing her into a pack of girls and hoping she gets along with everyone.

-Does she drink?  If so, get this girl some wine (or beverage of choice) to help loosen her up a little bit.

-Did she have a bridal party/bridesmaides in her wedding.  If no, then this is probably a big clue in her not knowing how to act in this situation so cut her some slack.  If yes, then ask her for advice!  ‘What did you do when you felt like your BMs didn’t all get along’ or ‘Was there a fun way you got everyone to get to know eachother’ or something like that.

Good luck!  Just imagine how much closer you will be to her after this! 

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