I need some advice

posted 2 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Countrygirl2014:  I believe in the old-fashion ‘boy asks gals dad/mom for her hand in marriage’, etc, and had told my SO (now DH) that it was important to me when the time came.  But, it was not so much asking his permission for us to get married, but more so out of respect.  I am an adult, DH was an adult, we were going to make this very adult decision regardless of what our families/friends thought.  We loved one another, respected one another, blah blah blah.  So, to answer your question, my DH sat down with my dad, when he had the ring in hand, and a day before he was going to ask me (which, all of it was a complete surprise to me!).  My dad cannot keep a secret, and my DH knew that….

With all that said, I knew, with 100% certainty that no one was going to take issue with us moving toward marriage, which perhaps made the whole thing romantic/easy/fun.  We knew because our relationship was sturdy, we involved our family/friends in our lives, and of course, we had lived our lives as individuals, and had careers, homes, what have you.  That is not to say that what you are doing is wrong, BUT I truly believe that if this is the course you and your SO want to take, then you need to own it!!  If/when your SO asks for your hand in marriage, then he needs to just do it, and not ‘worry’ that they will think you guys are making a mistake.  Or, if your parents do think you are making a mistake, will that change the course of action for you?!

Also, in my opinion, the things your mom has told you are not her saying she thinks he is a bad guy per se, but definitely what a lot of mom’s out there would say to their daughters.  I think it is ‘solid’ advice…as far as her wanting you both to enjoy yourselves, get settled in your own lives, develop the relationship bc you do have a lot of time, etc.  As an adult, you are allowed to disagree with her opinions, of course 🙂

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  OUgal0004.
Post # 3
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

She was worried we would hold on together to post pone the inevitable like her and her first husband (that was like 20 years before I was even born.)  Well that was a year ago and my relationship has become so much better and stronger than ever and I really want it to progress to the next level so after I graduate we can work on planning the wedding and our futures together but i just don’t know how to tell her.

Part of the problem of sharing your relationship woes with other people is that you invite their comments and concern. A year ago when you went through a rough patch, you probably confided some in your parents for your own comfort. However, now that things are great, you need to tell them how great it is and reassure them how wonderful life is now that you and BF have moved forward. You need to have this conversation one-on-one with your parents. Recommend you do not have it with your BF present. Use this as a time to listen AND set expectations for all parties.

I know my parents will probably freak out at first because they don’t see what I see in him, they think he’s boring or something, and I’m the oldest child and only daughter and I am young.  We werent planning on getting married until 2015 or 2016 depending on our financial situation anyway so I don’t know why she acts like i’m in a rush.

Again, I think you need to have this conversation one-on-one with your parents. Recommend you do not have it with your BF present. Use this as a time to listen AND set expectations for all parties.

I Just need some help with how to tell her or what to tell her.  Should he do all the talking by asking my parents by himself or should we both talk to them or should I do all the talking? This is new to me I don’t really know how weddings work we live far away from family and have only ever been to one wedding before.

Once you’ve set your parents straight on where you are in your relationship and where your heart and desires lie, I would give your BF a heads up and let HIM do the asking. You need to lay the groundwork and then he can ask them privately.

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