(Closed) I need some advice and perspective on our arguments

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Woah, that’s kind of a red flag. I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’ve been in a situation like this and it was annoying. It wore down on our relationship and it started feelings of resentment on both ends.

 I really hope does he go to counceling because that sounds like a great possible solution.

Best of luck.

 

Post # 4
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Have you sat down and made a budget to discuss both of your futures?

My FI and I make about the same, but I have a lot more student debt. So we were originally splitting everything 50/50 that is Joint.. but I realized it was unfair that he had ‘extra spending money’ for all his hobbies and stuff than what I did. We sat down and made a detailed budget of where all of our money goes, and we got him to contribute a bit more to the joint expenses so that after my student bills are paid that we have equal amounts of ‘play money’.

I do A LOT more chores around the house than he does. I just remind him that if he helps, I have more time to relax… and a relaxed bride is a happier bride (and leads to a happier groom). I feel like I have to twist his arm a bit.. but he does pitch in more.

So if you spend all your time doing chores — when does that leave time for intimacy? Do you have the energy? Would you have more intimacy time if he helped out more? Could this help to be a motivator for him to help around the house?

Post # 5
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

If you use 85% of your paycheck to support the household and he’s only using 50% of his, then, I’m sorry, simple math says that you’re doing more than your part. Just break it down for him. It doesn’t matter what the $ figure ends up being. The point is that you’re putting more in financially and not financially. Tell him.

If he is basing your relationship on his parent’s relationship then you should probably ask him, “If it’s ok for me to do more than you, why is it not ok for you to do just as much or more?”

Just my opinion. It’s simply not fair.

Post # 6
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It would be great if you guys could go to at least one counseling session…I think he needs a 3rd party to let him know he is not being fair. This way it won’t seem like it’s just you complaining.  Like PP said..I think over time this will wear down your relationship.  Its sounds like you guys are solid so hopefully he is willing to do his fair share. Good luck!!

Post # 7
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@claireos: I agree, just because he makes more doesn’t make it fair that he only puts 50% of his income into the household finances and you put in 85%.  I think the two of you need to see a counselor and a financial advisor, I don’t think these thoughts he has are going to go away without work from outside.

Post # 9
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Alexis22: Get thee to a couple’s counselor ASAP. Do the research and make the appointment. If you need to, make getting married conditional on him going with you. Money is one of the top reasons (if not THE top reason) people get divorced, so I would be sure to sort this out before you get married. You do not deserve to feel like less of a person because your fiance happens to make more, and he has no right to hold his earnings over you as though he is entitled to treat you like hired help because of his salary. He needs to resolve his resentment issues, and you need to set boundaries. If he is not willing to accept them, after mediation from a couple’s counselor, then you have your answer as to what your future with him will look like. Good for you for being wise enough to recognize this as a problem before getting married and doing something to confront it. Keep us posted on what happens!

Post # 11
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@Alexis22: Okay the fact that you have a chronic pain condition makes this even more serious.  You are probably never going to be able to contribute financially or with housekeeping as much as he wants.

Post # 15
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee

UGH. My lovely kitten stepped on my keyboard and reloaded the page right when I was done with my response. GRRRR. 

Basically, it will take a lot of communication to get on the same page about chores/money problems. I would suggest getting a different counselor (and this can take some counselor shopping) since often your own counselor might feel awkward because they have a bias, and it might make your fiancé feel ganged up on. If neither of those is a problem, then don’t worry about it and use the one you like.

My fiancé and I decided that since I work part time (I’m in school) he pays a little more than me. This ended up being not that much of a difference, so it’s sometimes me who pays more of my paycheck than him, but since he owns his own business, sometimes he has issues paying all of his bills, sometimes he has a lot left over. 

As for chores, I’ll ask him to do some things, but otherwise I do them all since I like doing them and have specific ways I do them. It’s relaxing for me to clean. It’s partly control issues, but I just like knowing it’s done right and seeing everything getting clean. If something is too much to do or if I want a break, I give my fiancé a honey do list. He’ll do little things like feed the cat and put dishes in sink, and that’s what works for us. I definitely understand it not working for everyone, but we figured it all out by talking about it. Doesn’t mean we don’t get frustrated sometimes, but we don’t have as many conflicts as we did before talking about it all and getting on the same page. And that can be hard and take a lot of work.

Post # 16
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I feel like this is a pretty common issue in relationships, and it’s going to take some time to work through it and get on the same page.  Everyone comes into a relationship or marriage with preconcieved notions of what their roles are (mostly based on how their parents household was run), and you need to work together to get on the same page with how you will run your household together.  I don’t really think it’s a red flag, unless he’s completely unwilling to change and work with you to find a routine and system of finances that works best for your unique situation as a couple.  How long have you been living together?  I’ve been living with my husband for 3 years now, and we’re still working through some of these issues.  We’ve made huge improvements, but we still have some work to do.  It’s required a lot of serious talks about our expectations and getting everything out on the table to make those improvements. We didn’t do any kind of counseling, but if you feel that you and your FI aren’t making progress on your own, I think it’s a great idea.  I feel like sometimes it takes time to even get to the point where someone is willing to change.  Unfortunately, that means some fights and disagreements and possibly hurt feelings along the way.  But if you know he’s the one, and you push through it and keep working, I’m sure you’ll get to a better place.  

I know from personal experience how hard it is when your earning potential is much less than your significant other.  I’m currently working as a server since I can’t get a job in my field where we live (and starting up a small business), and my husband makes probably 6x’s what I make.  I find myself feeling really guilty about that.  For a while, I felt like I had to do everything around the house because I wasn’t able to contribute as much financially.  I still really struggle with that.  I know in my mind that isn’t necessarily true.  I’m putting in a lot of hours too (especially working on the start up small business), and even though I’m not making as much, it’s not fair for him to be lazy and not do anything around the house just because he makes more.  In our case, it was more MY issue than his.  I felt guilty and didn’t ask him to do anything, and he just got used to that for awhile.  When the issue came up, he didn’t know I was feeling that way and we were able to negotiate a better plan for getting household chores done.  It doesn’t always go smoothly every week, but it’s getting better.  

So I guess the moral of my story is that this isn’t something that’s worth ending a relationship over (unless your FI is completely unwilling to change), and in fact I feel like it’s quite common issue that all couples go through. It might not be fun, but keep pressing the issue and keep working on him to go to counseling.  Sit down and lay out what your beliefs on household chores are, and be patient and understanding as he explains his.  Then work together to put a chore plan and financial plan in writing that works for both of you.  It’s going to be messy, you’re both going to mess up from time to time, and there will be fights, but it will get better as long as you BOTH put effort in.  I also found that when we combined our finances after we got married, the whole bills issue and ‘who pays what’ was a lot easier.  From what you’re saying you still have ‘my money and your money’ vs. ‘our money’.  You might not be at a point to fully combine finances, but as a couple that plans to get married, you’ll eventually have to adopt the ‘our money’ mentality.  That would definitely help with the bill issue you have currently.  I’m not saying you should go out and get a joint account now, because that obviously can create other issues if you’re not on the same page financially.  But a good discussion on the ‘our money’ issue might help him to realize he’s not being fair about the % of bills you are paying.

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