(Closed) I need some advice please help

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
8362 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Personally I don’t see it as a blow off. he is being honest- he is not saying that marriage and kids aren’t on the cards but that he wants the time in person to get to know you better and build your relationship before promising things. He is probably talking about living together and getting his life together post miltiary before confirming the big steps of marriage and kids.

You should be grateful to have such an honest and open guy who isn’t willing to BS you and make you promises he can’t/wont keep.

I also think you might be better posting on a military board (I think there is one on here) as those girls will better understand what it takes to support someone on deployment and will have fair better advice on how to interpret his words.

Deployment is tough and whilst having something positive to come home to is great it is also a frightening thought for them how life will be when they return. They see, hear and do things us civilians can’t imagine. This can change a person so I personally applaud him for not promising anything he may not be able to deliver on.

 Edit: to say I am sorry fro the passing of your father. Your emotions are all over the place at the moment (as they should be) so you may not have the perspective you would normal have as well.

Post # 4
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t see his letter as blowing you off. More that he wants the chance to talk about these things in person, not just through letters. It almost seems like he asked you to write these letters but when he received them, he didn’t realize how serious they would be and how we would react.

If I were you, I wouldn’t make any decisions until he is back and you can see him in person. Letters can be a nice way to stay in touch but often it’s easy to misinterpret a tone or a sentence. You can’t see the look on his face or hear the way he would have spoken those words which may give them different meaning.

I’m so sorry for your father and how difficult your life is and this sounds like a very rough thing to be going through. Hugs and sympathy to you and your family.

Post # 5
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t see it as a blow off either.  My FH would say weddings are overrated all the time before we got engaged.  It really bothered me at first. Finally I asked him about it, after I couldn’t take not knowing what that meant.  Basically, he was against the cost of the wedding.  NOT against marriage (as is evident by our engagement 🙂 ) SO I can understand his point about getting engaged being more important.  I’m sure that’s how my Fiance feels.  It IS and SHOULD be about the commitment, not the ceremony.  Now don’t get me wrong I am having a cermony, complete with cake, food, dancing, daddy walking me down the aisle.  All that I ever wanted, but as things progress and money keeps going out the window, I can see more and more why my Fiance felt the way he did about weddings. 

Also, I think that it is hard to plan your life in letters.  Not being able to explain right away what you meant when you said something, or to see someone’s facial expressions makes it al lthe more important to be able to read between the lines.  Look at all he says, don’t just pick and choose words from the letter and run with your worst fears.  I know that is hard to do sometimes. For example, you chose to focus on the part where he says that it’s good to talk about but can’t plan in letters.  You didn’t focus on the fact that he told you that kids and marriage are all things he wants in his life.  He’s just not sure when or how he’s going to accomplish them (something I’m sure every soldier wonders).

The last thing I wanted to mention is to temper your thoughts with the understanding of where he is.  He may be being reserved in his committment to you in letters because of the dangerous position he is in. He may not want to promise things he is afraid he won’t be able to keep for one reason or another.  I’m not trying to scare you and I hope you take this last part in the vein that it was intended.  But he is a soldier and he is deployed.  It has some element of danger to it, no matter how small.  Just something to think about….

I wish you all the best and I truly hope things work out for you and him!


PS. I do want to thank him for his service to his country and you for yours.  I know it’s a huge sacrifice to both be a soldier and to be in love with one.  I appreciate you both for what you are willing to do!

Post # 7
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Hope1985:  I know how you feel.  But you really haven’t been with him all that long.  My Fiance and I were together for over 3 years before he proposed.  I think guys sometimes just work on a different time frames then we do. Especially when long term committment is involved.  I think his deployment definetly adds to this factor.  I’m fairly certian my FH knew we were gong to be together after about 2 years, but still I didn’t get the proposal for another year and 4 months.  A LONG time to wait and be patient since i knew he was the one fairly quickly after we got together.  I say keep the faith.  Wait to see him in person to make any life changing decisions.


By The Way, FH  is 40 and I am 35.  I also want a family (I think LOL) and understand you not wanting to “waste” time on someone who isn’t right.  But you do have some time to make sure before you toss something special away over a few letters.

Post # 8
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Definitely try the military board, as they can talk to you from their experiences.  What I know from my military friends is that conducting these conversations via letter is terribly difficult and often not a great option.  And I’ll second what those above have said: this does NOT sound like he’s blowing you off.  Instead, it sounds like he is just saying that he wants to be in person before talking more details.  That makes sense to me, as any more detail would head into proposal territory and I doubt he wants to do that via letter.

Hang in there!  Deployment can make you crazy.

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