Post # 1
ive been with my guy for 3 years now and we talk about marriage and everything, howwver I got a scared on. It seems he has all these issues with his parents and he hates his job and it doesnt seem like he is in the right place for anything like that. He just seems anxious all the time and that he doesnt have happiness at home or work right now. He says he is on the same page as I am but I think he is just scared of change and to make a move. I give him advice and feel the convo is always the same with no new accomplishments.
Im the type of person who thinks of the person they are in a relationship as a “we”. When im thinking of the future I think ‘WE” ..last night he made a comment to me that really has me not mad but sad.. he said at the end of the day he has to think about himself and making him happy with regards to what to do with his life and staying in the current state we live in or leavng one day (i dont think he will ever make that move either). I want to stay where I am and I want to get married in 2 years and start a life together he says we are on the same page but I am just so worried that all this time could be a waste of time.. I do love him and im just like how could you just say something like that and be that selfish, I just feel like I pour myself for him and he can just clearly tell me that if im not up for maybe moving with him I can go find someone else…wtf is that ..were together 3 years and you say that. Ive been melencholy all day today..words hurt & some people just spit them out with no emotion and no sence for how it will hurt the person.
Post # 3
No matter how long you are together it makes no difference on your future.
If he says he needs to work on himself, he needs to.
Think of the qualtiies you need in a man. Does you current man supply those? Not promise those, but give you them now? If not move on.
Its possible you are giving more to the relationship tha he his.
If he doesnt make a move to improve his life, dont trust he will imrpove both your lives when you are together.
Post # 4
@lefeymw: he is a great guy..giving and has a heart ..but I swear sometimes his selfishness comes out (gets that from his dad) ..im not selfish like that with us like he is and I just cant wrap my head around how he can be at times.
we grew up differnt..differnt family life. My family is tight and we see each other all the time .. we basically are the word family. he comes from a broken home where they never spend time together. I understnad our ways of thinking are different because of how we were brought up and maybe thats why when he says things sometimes I get affected emotinally ..I cant see it through his eyes.
Post # 5
Its OK o be different, it is. But you need to find a compromise that you BOTH are OK with. Ist not about being the same person, but abou him seeing it through your eyes as much as you seeing it through his eyes. If you are always seeing his side, then you have more talking to do.
Post # 6
@lefeymw: I think i got my point across.. i reassured him that he is not alone and that part of the being together means you have someone to relay on but that you work at goals together and you dont think “I” you think “we” ..at least thats my view.
Post # 7
Forget about your history
Is he the kind of person you want to grow old with? As he is now?
Is he the person you trust to pay bills on time? To be able to save money for your future together?
Do you trust him to consult you on big decisions like a new car or oher large expense?
Is he someone tha you can see having fun with no matter the day or time?
If all the above are not a yes, I would be worried.
Post # 8
@lefeymw: <– Listen to her cause she’s is breaking it down!!!! I agree with everything she has said so far.
And OP please don’t blame his dad for your SO’s behavior. He’s fully capable of making his own choices. You seem to focusing alot on him and what he needs but your clealry NOT getting what you NEED. maybe you should stop pouring so much of yourself into him and take stock if this is really where you need/want to be. One sided relationships never work out in the long run. Best advice I can offer is to “accept people for who the ARE and not who you WANT them to be”.
Post # 9
@bridalblush:I learned this in highschool. YOU must be your first priority. You cannot provide for others if you yourself are falling apart. Your boyfriend has it right. Trust him. A person always must work on him/herself, just as a wife or husband must always work on his/her marriage.
You know him better than we do from just this post, so you know if this is a problem in the *way* he told you. But from *what* he told you, everything sounds fine.
Post # 10
Let me try to explain this from the opposite scenario: my FI is very close with his family and I come from a family that never got along. You have a feeling of peace, security and roots. He may never have that and it really doesn’t have anything to do with you. Coming from a broken home causes people to realize they have to protect themselves first. It sort of shatters that romantic ideal of “love can conquer everything” when you’ve seen that’s not true. I think you have to tell him how you’re feeling and get a better understanding of what he meant. Honestly, if you’re with the person who makes you feel at home, home is wherever you 2 are and that might mean a compromise.
Post # 11
@MrsCoachBtoBee: “It sort of shatters that romantic ideal of “love can conquer everything” when you’ve seen that’s not true”
your 100% right .. its like culture shock to me. How he can say things sometimes and not show the emotion behind it. It really did confuse me at first but im starting to get it.. I do love him and will do my best to try to help him get over his bad time period. ugh life is so hard sometimes.
Post # 12
Twice you have mentioned that he said/says things with no emotions behind it/them. I get the impression that there were great heaps of emotions – just not the loving, sentimental kind.
He sounds down trodden, for whatever reason. While you cannot blame his dad/parents/family as the source of this, do try and understand how they have helped shape him today. The more I learn about DH’s family’s nuances, the greater clarity I have about some behaviors of his.
Is it possible your man is experiencing some anxiety/general fear as the stakes of the relationship increase? He wouldn’t be the first man, or woman, to realize how serious their life is becoming. Depending upon one’s perspective and life experience, such realizations can spawn lots of freaking out and general anxiety.
Go easy on him, try and understand him and love him; your love and support will do so, so much. These are real life issues that can arise whenever. Definitely something a couple can successfully work through! Best wishes.
Post # 13
Thanks ladies belive me I am trying my best .I will say it helps to talk on wedding bee. I am currently trying to look for part time employment ( i have a family owned business that doesnt offer benefits) for medical benifits.
I just hope I have good news by the end of this year possibly the begining of next.. heres hoping.
Thanks again for all the input.