(Closed) I need some encouragement…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Did he propose? If so, you’re engaged. No “unofficially” about it. Some guys get weird about being engaged, maybe more so when they are younger. It sounds like it was him trying to give you what you want without putting himself in an uncomfortable spot.

Me personally, I would have a serious conversation with him. You’re either engaged or you are not and are dating. Those are the options, really. If he’s not ready for that, then he’s not ready for that and you can either stay dating or see what is up with his inability to have a “real” engagement.

It’s not a terrible thing, just a communication issue it sounds like. He thought he was compromising by doing what he knew you wanted. That’s not how an engagement should really be, and he knows it deep down.

Post # 5
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If he hasn’t proposed, and is not willing to talk about your future as Mr & Mrs, you’re not engaged.

And there seems to be a commitment issue (or at least a disparity in the amount of commitment between the two of you) that has the potential to be very damaging. You’re not being a drama queen, you’re unhappy. And he’s not being consistent. This is something the two of you need to work through, together, or if it’s difficult maybe with some outside help.

ETA – I don’t mean to sound harsh, esp. with the first thing. But framing it firmly with boundaries – not with terms like “unofficially engaged” – will be more helpful.

Post # 6
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@glittermoon: that I thought I had but evidently don’t <– this. If he’s not willing to own it or claim the engagement…you don’t really have it, like you pointed out. To me, it seems like he was just trying to “smooth it over” to reduce the drama you admitted to. I’m not trying to be harsh at all, but honestly, it does just sound like he’s trying to get his way by letting you think you have something that you seemingly don’t.

If he can’t be a grown up and either admit that or admit that he isn’t ready, then honestly, he isn’t ready to be engaged. The point of engagement is a public promise to marry (or something of that nature, I’m not being literal or exact). I’m sorry but I think you need to stick up for yourself here. What if he continues to use this tool in your marriage?

Post # 10
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@glittermoon: Okay, then I’m confused. Why call you fiancee to everyone but his own parents? It sounded in the original post that he always referred to it as “unofficial engagement” which doesn’t exist to the majority of people.

Note: I also never said to leave the man, lol, just that this is something to discuss for real. And I still support that, because not telling the parents is an indicator of something, though I couldn’t begin to understand what since it’s not my life.

Post # 11
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@glittermoon: RE, his not being ready yet. Is he a concrete person? Would it work if you set a date…for a while from now? Maybe that would make it more real for BOTH of you, that way you can enjoy your engagement…once he owns up to it to his parents.

Sorry for continuously responding, jeez. I’m really bored today. Lol

Post # 13
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@glittermoon: Doesn’t he realize it was supposed to be pretty official you were getting married…when he proposed marriage to you? Just saying… That really sucks.

Post # 14
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

@glittermoon: I know you don’t want to but I will tell you what I would do. Take off the ring, put it back in the box and give it back to him during a discussion (read: not arguement). Let him know you love him, want to marry him and that you want your engagement to be a special time for both of you. Tell him you want him to give it to you when he’s ready.

Post # 15
Member
14316 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@glittermoon:What I would really like to do is just not be engaged and have him do it when he’s ready, but at this point I don’t see that as an option and it makes me miserable because it’s so messed up!!! I don’t want to live with him for years without a commitment, so that’s why the engagement thing was so important.

Youre “engaged” but not really, so the commitment really isnt actually there in my eyes.  If he cant shout it from the roof tops and tell everyone he knows how excited he is to marry you, he’s not quite there.  Engagements can end just as easily as a bf/gf relationship, pushing it to simply have the title of engagement doesnt make it anymore solid, especially since the title isnt even completely there.  The fact is that you can talk about wedding, it seems definite, but he’s just not quite there.  Back it up a step… give him a timelime, let him do it when he’s ready, to me, NOT being “engaged” is better than this fuzzy grey “unoffical engagement”.  Thats just a GIANT tease!

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