I need some guidance. This is super LONG…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I tried to read this quickly so I might have miss something, sorry in advance! 

@hegetsme:  Why do you think your sister is so closed to this person? Is it friendship? Is she trying to have a sister figure in her life? Do you think this friend is using your sister and she is willingly doing it? I know sometimes when someone is in a rut, it’s not easy to snap out of it. I think maybe she is jealous of you in some ways, that you moved on with your life “normally”, had a baby, got married etc but she’s stuck. It’s hard to tell them to snap out of it and change their life if they don’t want to. After a while, her depressed state might suck you in too and it will affect everyone around her. It sounds like they’re like consipring against you sometimes… I don’t think this coworker friend is a good influence at all. First step would have been to cut ties so she can maybe go back to studying and to pursue her dreams. She needs positive influences in her life like you! 

Post # 5
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Your sister sounds like she has a very serious case of depression. 🙁 I’d really try to get her away from her co-worker and have a heart-to-heart with her, and suggest therapy for her. She sounds like there are things going on that she needs to work through. Her relationship with her co-worker is abnormal. And I’d be worried about the legal repercussions it could have on your sister if the co-worker is ever found out (she’s an illegal immigrant on legal paperwork for a company, as I understand that?). I don’t know that much about immigration laws, but it can’t be good. Especially if your sister is audited, which happens to companies. =

You sound very caring and you have been through a lot together. I’d try to get her alone and talk to her. Maybe fly her out (would she refuse a bought and paid for plane ticket?) alone and tell her you want to talk to her ALONE.

Post # 6
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@hegetsme:  i woud probe if you feel like she would still open up to you. Just because you guys have gone totally different directions doesn’t mean you can’t care for your sister… BUT there has got to be a limit.. If she doesn’t respond or gets you upset in return, you can’t keep doing it again & again. Does your sister & the coworker seem lovey dovey at all? I would feel like they’re not dating because they wanted you guys to stay at their place, therefore letting you see them 24/7? 

Post # 8
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@hegetsme:  I really doubt you did anything if you’re already extra sensitive/aware of what’s going on with her. Even if she says it’s you, it’s probably about things that you can’t do anything about. I hope she sees that you are unwavering in your support of her and comes around and opens up to you. Unless she opens up to somebody (NOT her coworker!) she can’t snap out of this rut and start changing for the better. 

 

I am no psychologist… I feel like maybe your sister feels useful and important because her coworker NEEDS her. So she stays in this ‘relationship’ because it’s something where she is needed and gives her sense of worth & accomplishment. Maybe you can help her see if worthiness just as who she is and her potential. 

Post # 10
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

@hegetsme:  I agree with PP that your sister sounds depressed. I think you should definitely talk to her about it if you are concerned. She needs to know you care about her, and that you see a problem.

The realtionship with the roommate just sounds…… bizarre. I mean, if this was a guy she is living with, I’d be concerned about her being in an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship, with a controlling partner. If she is indeed dating this woman, it may still be that. If they are just friends……..I dunno…..it still sounds codependent. 

Post # 11
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

(ALL COMPLETE SPECULATION): I think her friend makes her feel important.  She wasn’t doing good in college, and it sounds like in life either.  Then theres this woman, who probably needed help, and when your sister helped her, it made her feel good about herself.  And it was the only thing making her feel good about herself.  And so was born this toxic relationship where she is helping this person when she can barely help herself.  She still values you, and your opinion, that’s why she has nothing to “talk about”.  what is she going to say?  “They turned the lights out agoin?  My job is going nowhere?”  she doesn’t want a lecture, and that could drive her further away.  Unfortunately I don’t have any ideas right now to help you help her. 

From personal experience: I wouldn’t invite her to live with you; she wont make a turnaround overnight and you’ll likely tire of her “mess” before she turns herself around and hurt your relationship further. 

Post # 13
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@hegetsme:  That’s good, at least. I’d still suggest therapy for her, though. From what you’ve said she’s exhibiting a bunch of telltale signs of depression (at least from my short time majoring in Psych, lol, I’m not a doctor). She probably feels trapped in a cycle, and as others have said, her co-worker probably makes her feel important. Still, that kind of co-dependence is unhealthy. 🙁 She can’t go anywhere if she doesn’t take it upon herself to move forward, you know?

Good for you for being a good sister, though. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@hegetsme:   

It’s really hard to tell what’s going on with people sometimes and when they are changing/growing, it takes some time for them to realize what’s going on within themselves.  It sounds like she’s going through one of these major changing phases (for better or worse) and which tends to make people more distant seeming or distracted. Think back to your teenage years and how many of us went on that awful emotional roller coaster.  

I wouldn’t let sleeping dogs lie, but that’s just my personality.  I would be very careful about asking probing questions because she may either not have an answer yet, or may not feel comfortable giving you the answer.  It sounds like (and this is pure speculation on my part!!) you may be someone she looks up to and would never want to feel judged by you or like she’s dissappointed you.  You are afterall, five years older, and your mother figure passed away when she was still fairly young.   She may be fearful to completely open up at the moment.

I do think you started off well by showing your concern with your last text you sent and would keep things as light as possible but remain consistent in your attempts at contact.  People can’t keep their guards up all the time, and you should get some answers bit by bit while at the same time, rebuilding your relationship with her.

As far as the co-worker goes…. that does come off like a very odd, codependent relationship regardless of if they’re dating or not.  It’s not unheard of for people who think poorly of themselves to latch on to someone that makes them feel better about their own self.  Sometimes to those they look up to and respect, but sometimes people go to the other end of the spectrum and find someone that they feel is on their level or lower to make themselves feel better.  

Just my $0.02. Smile

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