- 5 years ago
Hey bees. It’s been a while since I’ve used this account. I’d use my normal one, but it touches on the sensitive reason why I created this in the first place.
Back story: My SO was, until the end of May, addicted to narcotics. His drug of choice was heroin. It wasn’t until the last 6 months before he got clean that I started realizing things were wrong, but since he acted like he was getting clean there were periods when I thought he was doing better. Geez, lookingback I was so naive.
I guess I’m writing because I’m feeling bitter, and it is stupid and pointless of me to feel that way now. He’s got bigger things to worry about. He’s got to stay clean despite the pressures of a new job (I’m very proud of him, by the way!) that sometimes may make him work 40 hours over 3 days. But still, every now and then I think back to something from when he was still using and get irrationally mad.
What I’m currently thinking about is last Valentine’s Day. I don’t normally care too too much about this holiday, as I’d rather enjoy our time together all the time. However, this was a period of time when I had no idea he was using, which made him lazy and slobbish, and I wanted some freaking romance! I didn’t even care if we spent much money, I just wanted to get out of the funk. I told him this. I bought him a card and I made him a strawberry-glazed cheesecake (from scratch, mind you). He offered to do dinner, and it was the same boring thing we normally ate, with ingredients we already had. It included boxed Mac n Cheese. Fine, whatever. But he didn’t get me a card or anything. Fine, I can deal with that, too.
We decided to go to a movie in the theaters. Oops, he didn’t have enough money (because he was spending his money on buying heroin). “Can you please buy my ticket, babe?” I also decided, it being Valentine’s Day, to actually pay the theater’s ridiculous prices to get popcorn and candy. And then, at the actual movie, he was falling asleep (because he’d taken drugs).
The day was bad enough, but even worse in retrospect when I later realized it was bad because of his addiction. Anyway, when we got home I voiced my disappointment. I told him I thought I was the only one who put effort into the day, and I was the one spending all the money. He got defensive and said something like, “I didn’t realize you were materialistic and expected me to buy you things. Well, I guess I know for the future.” If I remember correctly, I went into our room and shut the door.
I need to stop lingering over this, because it isn’t helpful and it is from a time when he wasn’t in control (whereas he is, now). Still, I can’t help but feel like he owes me for this incident (and others)–for all those days he wanted to stay in, so we’d do nothing but watch TV and he’d be nodding off the whole time, and then disappear for forty-five minutes in the bathroom, claiming he felt funny (he probably did, but he also probably used it as an excuse to use). For the time and energy we should have been spending on each other that he instead spent high or driving an hour or further away to meet up with his dealer.
Gahh, see, me going off on that^ tangent was unecessary, but I feel like I’ve got this word vomit I’ve got to get out. These days we really are doing great (and he’s gotten to be so affectionate lately!), but every now and then I get so resentful. Maybe it’s because I can see the stark contrast between how things are now and how they were. He’s got other things far more important to worry about than that. He doesn’t need to be hearing this because it would be, if anything, majorly detrimental. I guess that’s why you bees are getting this long vent.
Thank you for reading.