Post # 1
One of my friends/old coworkers is struggling with getting pregnant. She and her husband have been trying since August of 2012 and haven’t had any success. She is on her second round of IUI and will be trying IVF next.
My question is this:
She and I started trying at the same time, and I am pregnant. So I know it’s hard for her and I never know whether being around/talking to someone that is pregnant makes things worse? I can only imagine that it does. I don’t talk about the pregnancy unless she asks- but she always does, and I feel horrible talking about it.
I just want to be a good friend to her, and I don’t want her to feel like I don’t care (because I do so much). I never know if I should text her, or if getting a text from me makes things more difficult. I could just really use some advice on what I can do to – or if I shouldn’t do anything!
Post # 3
@abc123joanna: hi there ! good day ! regarding this situation,, i do understand how it feels like especially that you are really closed friend,, but in deeper note,, i know that your friend is very happy for you and your pregnancy.. i know, its really hard for you to tackle things up about it.. but im sure your friend will understand in time.
all you have to do is to always be around for her, in this time, she really needed a friend, she really needed you most.. keep her reminded , that you will always be right there for her whatever happens.. little by little ,, she will cope up with it.. keep her in your prayers as well..
Post # 4
@abc123joanna: Good question! I’ve been dealing with infertility and loss for the past over 3.5 years. Here’s the conundrum for me: I don’t want my friends to feel like I don’t want to talk to them or they have to walk around on eggshells around me, but I also don’t need constant reminders that someone else is pregnant and I’m still not. I think the best way to handle it is to continue to be her friend, limit your updates on your pregnancy to when she asks about it – if she’s asking, she’s in a place where she can handle it. Better still, talk to her frankly about it and let her know your concerns and ask HER how she would prefer to have you handle it. It’s really such a personal thing. I know for me, I blocked people from showing on my newsfeed on fb when they were pregnant and posting updates because most days, I couldn’t handle it. It was like a sucker punch to my gut that I was being left behind again. BUT, on my good days, I’d go to those friends pages and check out their pics and progress. Other ladies love to follow the process no matter what because it gives them hope. So talk to your friend. *hugs*
Post # 5
@dodgercpkl: Excellent advice.
The hardest part for me is always the initial telling of the pregnancy. I’m not sure yet or not
@abc123joanna if you have told her yet about the pregnancy.
If you haven’t then tell her somewhere private like on the phone or over email so she doesn’t have to also worry about looking “interested” or happy enough. I say “interested” because she will want to be supportive but it’s sometimes hard to think of anything other then your own sadness.
Definitely still reach out to her, and be a friend for her. Maybe just limit the pregnancy talk and let her lead those conversations.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
You’re beaing super sweet and considerate, but you may be over thinking this one. Let yourself follow her lead. She’s asking, so she’s obviously interested in hearing about you/your pregnancy. She’s letting you know that it’s okay, that she cares and wants to support you in this exciting time. Let her. 🙂
FWIW, we are infertile and are deciding whether to go for it anyway (probably won’t start for another year). One of my best friends just had her LO and another is pregnant with twins right now. I’ve loved hearing about their pregnancies (and new Momma experiences) and being there for them. Just because I want a baby so badly and will need extraordinary measures to get one (and it may never work), that doesn’t mean that I’m not over the moon happy for my friends.
Post # 7
I agree that you should see how she’d like you address it. It’s great that she’s asking about your pregnancy. I’d advise you to keep your reports short and sweet, and do not, ever, complain about anything pregnancy related, no matter how tired/nauseous/etc you may be. She’d probably give anything to have thsoe complaints. When you talk to her about her status, be careful what advice or encouragment to give. Mentioning adoption is a HUGE no no (unless she brings it up), as is advising her to relax. Some people are even offended by comments like “I know it will eventually happen for you.” I’m going through IVF, and have a friend going through it as well, and we’re both handling it differently so it just goes to show that its all very specific to each individual. What I’ve done is tell her that I think of her often and if she wants to talk about it, I’m always here for her. I’d really like to know more about her process, but she wants to keep that close to her chest, and I respect that. But she knows I’m here if she needs it. I have wondered what I’d do if I was pregnant before she was (she’s been trying longer, and she’s the one who referred me to my RE). I’d probably tell her over email so she didn’t have to seem happy and could process it on her own. But she just had a FET and mine isn’t until January, so I hope she’s aleady pregnant.
Post # 8
@abc123joanna Yes, it’s painful for her to hear from you right now. It will probably get easier for her once your baby is born. 🙁 It’s the most painful thing ever. I would be scarce for awhile, sorry if that’s not what you were hoping to hear. Congrats on your pregnancy!
Post # 9
Thank you all very much! I really appreciate the advice, and welcome any more that may come to mind.
Post # 10
@abc123joanna: That is sweet of you to care. I know my friends are wonderful and always want the best for me but I feel like they can be so insensitve at times with things they do or say, which I understand is because they just really dont understand infertility so I think its great for you asking.
For me… I have good weeks and bad weeks. Sometimes I love being around my pregnant friends and their kids. Other times It hurts and I go MIA and just avoid talking or hanging out with them for a little bit. If you feel like she is a little more distant at times, let her be. A simple text to check in is great but don’t push to hang out if you feel like she needs space. I know some girls said that if she is asking then she wants to know, but for me I will ask even if it hurts to hear you talk about it because I feel like I can’t not ask when I see you. So i would keep your response short and sweet and if she asks follow up questions then she is probably in a good place where it is ok to expand but if she doesn’t ask any more after you respond I’d leave it at that. I also agree to not complain about pregnancy stuff. You have ever right to not enjoy every second of pregnancy but hearing someone complain about being pregnant when thats all you want is not fun.