I need to end my engagement. Any advice appreciated.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

Good for you for following your heart! I’d recommend doing it quickly, not drawing it out, and not making it sound like you can be convinced to change your mind… Bottom line is it will be painful for him, even if he knows underneath it all that it’s best for him too (you never know what he’s thinking!)… breakups are painful, even if it’s for the best. Just do it quickly, try to be as kind as possible and move out as quickly as possible following that. Arrange ahead of time with a friend or family member to stay at their place, and then move out shortly after. As for initiating the converstaion, I have noooo idea, that’s a tough one. :/ eep.

Post # 4
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee

@engagedandfreakingout:  the way I see it, there is never a easy way out when at least one partner still loves the other and wouldn’t want a break up. And eventhough you might not want to be with him, you love him. In a different way, but still feel for him and care about him for what you write.

I wasn’t engaged but I ended a relationship with an ex Bf. we lived together, but I knew deep inside me that we didn’t belong together. It was really hard. It broke my heart to see him suffering and asking for a chance I could not give him because I had already given 100%, waited for him to make changes after me telling him what was wrong and need to change and since nothing had happened I had already checked out emotionally because I knew we had no future as a couple. I did it convinced that I was doing the best for me and for him too. And time proved that I was right. We are great friends today. But we both moved on with ohr lives and he was able to accomplish many things that I know if it had not been because the break up pretty much forced him to get moving, he would still be doing pretty much nothing. We agree on this. 

So my two cents would be even when it might make you both hurt bad now, it might save you from a stronger Heartache in the future. I’d like to share one last thing. I have a rule I must follow before leaving a relationship. NEVER, EVER leave before giving the relationship a real opportunity and before trying out every single thing I can to make it work. That keeps me from second guessing once I leave because I know in my heart there was nothing else I could have done. So when I leave, as much as ir can hurt, I have no regrets.

Post # 5
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@engagedandfreakingout:  I am curious as to why you accepted his proposal in the first place if you feel this way. Have you only started feeling like this recently? Did something happen between you or within your relationship that has changed things? Do you think you might just have a severe case of cold feet?

Post # 6
Member
41 posts
Newbee

When it gets really hard just remember it’ll all be worth it in the long run, and you’ll both be happier. Good luck. 

Post # 7
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I broke off my engagement to my ex 5 years ago, I hated watching him cry and beg and plead, but I just…endured it. He did not treat me good at all, and he didn’t see it coming so that was really the only thing I felt guilty about, not being honest and standing up to him about how unhappy I had been. 

How I got through it was to envision myself on the other side. My motivation was being able to start all over and live my new life on MY terms. It’s going to suck watching him break down, but if breaking off the engagement is REALLY worth it to you, you’ll get through it. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1208 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

It would be worse and unfair for the two of you to continue a relationship that you know deep down will not be sustained.  You both deserve happiness.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  This, too, shall pass.  Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@engagedandfreakingout:  So sorry you are going through this. The hardest breakups are the ones when the other person is a good-nice person, but just not the right person for you. Just keep in mind that as he is crying and upset, you are giving him a gift. He wont realize it  at the time and it certainly wont feel like you are. The gift you are giving him is that he has the opportunity to find someone who adores him in a way that you dont.

So how do you do it?

First, get your ducks in a row. Where will you live in the short term? (like the night you break up with him and the following weeks) Where will you live in the long term? Start looking for apt, rentals or roommates.

While you are doing this, if you can and it doesnt force a bigger conversation that you arent ready to have, I would start hinting. Maybe start saying things like, “I dont know if we are compatible”, “I dont know if we are right for each other”, “I’m not sure how I feel about us”

Once you decide that it’s time to have the conversation, be gentle but firm. DO NOT give him any hope that things might work out for you in the future. Make sure to do it at a time that other things arent going on–no big deadline at work or his sister wedding is next week. I would do it on a Friday night. That way it gives him all weekend to process/grieve.

If you think he’s going to be vindictive, then make sure to get all your stuff out of the house that Friday while he’s at work. If you dont think he’ll be vindictive, then pre-pack a small bag to get you through the next week. 

Sit him down and tell him “You know how I’ve been in a bad mood for the past few months? Well Ive come to the realization that as much as I love you and think you are a great guy, we arent right for each other in the long term. I dont feel about you the way that I should for a man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. There is nothing wrong with you. And there isnt anything you can do the change or be better at. You just arent the right guy for me. I dont know why. I wish you were, but you arent. There is a girl out there who is going to adore you, but I’m not her. We need to breakup.”

Let him cry and talk for a little bit, but not too long (you dont want to be there at 2am rehashing the same thing). If he keeps asking WHY, just keep rehashing, “there is nothing wrong with you. I just dont love you the way I should to marry you.”

At some point you have to leave the house. Just say, “I have to leave. We can talk in a few days if you still need to. But nothing constructive is happening right now.” Then leave.

In a few days, contact him to see if he wants to talk again and for you to arrange to pick up your stuff. 

Good Luck. 

Post # 12
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Before you have the break up talk you need to figure out the logistics of the break up. Knowing your next move to make this a permanent and quick exit will help you both heel. Less is more is the best approach when it comes to devastating convos. Make yourself available for him to ask questions, but don’t hold his hand tbroigh the process. You will not be friends (immediately) after, so come to grips with that this will change your relationship with him forever. Don’t make any one part a bigger deal then it has to be. When you give him back the ring. Put it in a box. Leave it on the table.

Applause for calling a bad thing quits! Go find your happiness!

Post # 13
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You sound really mature with a good head on your shoulders.  There really is no easy waY. Just say what comes from your heart and you can’t go wrong. 

Post # 14
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@engagedandfreakingout:  I was in the same situation like you last year in June. The advice I would give you besides what all the other bees have already mentioned is make sure your FINANCES are in order before you go. I don’t know how your finances are handled or what joint expenses/credit/loans you have but make sure you get stuff straighted out before. I walked out more concered about my well being of myself and my animals (which is my #1 priority) but I wished I paid a bit more attention to how I dealt with our joint expenses. As it stands, as he was such a vindictive a-hole, my credit has taken a few hits and I am paying for HIS financial mistakes. Just make sure while you get your moving situation and your emotional situation in line, don’t forget your financial situation as well. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@engagedandfreakingout:  One of the hardest parts of breaking up is accepting that they are no longer “yours” (even if you don’t want them). It can feel unfathomable – like, how can I not see him every day? How can I imagine him getting over me and meeting other women? How will it be with couple friends when you’re no longer “Jess and John” but “Jess”?

You know how people tell married couples, “Remember why you married him”?

Just keep remembering why you *didn’t* marry him. This will help later when the pain makes you think you made a mistake. Sometimes we will get back into relationships just to end the pain of separation, but that pain is good and necessary. Seriously, write a letter to yourself NOW about all the reasons you’re breaking up with him and why you know this is right. It could help down the line.

Not to be a dick, but realistically, if the relationship is only a couple years old and you’re 22, you will get over it and you will both find better relationships.

Me and my SO have been together 6 years, and even then I know it wouldn’t be that big a chunk of my life if we broke up. It just feels like it in the moment.

Lots of luck. This is going to be HARD but you’re doing it to save yourself decades of misery. 

Post # 16
Member
3874 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My only advice is the best thing you can do for him is not drag it out. Don’t try to be good friends right away or call him to check in on him. That just makes it more painful, imo, and gives false hope that you might get back together. It may seem cold, but less contact will let him recover more quickly.

 

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