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So ladies I have a confession to make thats happening in my life right now. Getting it out in the open about the next step in my life.
We have our wedding planned for August 14th 2010 which is not that far away.
A week ago I posted, that I had a feeeling that I could be pregnant. Well turns out im not and has been confirmed by a doctor. With this it brought so many emotions to the forefront and It caused me to think about a few things.
Then another thing is happening in my life to add to the cold feet.
I posted something under a name of soconfused1 another blog yesterday about my current situation. Because at the time I couldnt face being judged and what you all would think of me. So im fessing, its me. I need to face things in my life so step 1. Telling you guys the truth is a good step.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/cold-feet-or-something-else-im-confused-i-need-to-let-it-out
Step 2. My life is falling apart and Im feeling so much pressure for the last few days that I cant stand it. I talked to my fiance last night.. and there is a high possibility that we are not going through with the wedding
I need to sort my stuff out.
We agreed not to start cancelling things for the wedding until Monday. I will be moving out of our apartment tomorrow for the weekend and then seeing were we go through from here, there still could be a wedding, but at the moment I just need to sort it out if its cold feet so hence having a break over the weekend. My fiance has been supportive and has been having cold feet himself.
In writing this, i feel a pressure lifted. Now just to tell my parents.
I just wanted to say, thank you for the support ladies over the wedding planning and my current sitcho. I may be back on here.. but Im just not sure.
Charis
Okay, well I don't know if you are still feeling what you were feeling about OM, but I do have a short story for you.
When I met my now FI I was in a VERY serious relationship of 3 1/2 years. We hit it off and has an instant "friend" connection so intense that it was something I couldn't ignore. I was not unhappy in my relationship, but I also wasn't as happy as I possibly could have been. I told then boyfriend (we'll call him BF) about meeting him and how much we had in common and that I thought that he could be a good friend. BF was okay with this and gave me space (I had just moved 3 hours from him for college), but the more I got to know him through hanging out with mutual friends the more I relaized that this COULD be a once in a lifetime thing. For me, the connection I had was just too strong to ignore, I knew that I would forever regret it if I didn't see what COULD be. So, I told BF that I wasn't happy (which I wasn't) it wasn't because of him, it was because I had saw how differently someone else could make me feel and how free I felt with the other guy. I did give the relationship with BF one more try tho. I spent an entire weekend with him and did not speak to the other man at all and the fact was that no matter what I did my mind always drifted back to him. So, I broke it off and 2 1/2 years later here I am BLISSFULLY happy and getting married in 2 months to the man I met while I was BF. It's crazy the way things happen sometimes, but they definitely DO happen.
You definitely are doing the right thing. I promise you that if you are having doubts like this the last thing you want to do is jump into marriage. You WILL know when its right and be very confident in your decision. I thank God everyday that I had enough sense to realize that even though I was happy where I was and even though I did love BF, there was better out there for me.
Just a little food for thought. Your not crazy, although it may seem like it. You don't get to choose when people walk into your life, but you just gotta go with what your heart tells you when they do.
If you need to talk PM me. You'll get through everything, just stay strong and dont second guess yourself!
Oh man - not a fun situation for anyone to be involved - I read your post under the other name yesterday. I had something similiar happen to me 5 years ago when I was w/ my now ex-bf of 6 years. I instantly had a connection w/ someone I worked w/ and had to break things off w/ my ex because I felt like he was more of a roommate/friend than a love interest anymore. It was so hard - I was so afraid of letting my whole family and friends down but I know that I had to make myself happy first - obviously your situation is way more involved due to the whole wedding thing going on, but you are not alone!! You are definitely doing the right thing!
Good luck w/ everything and make sure that you stay true to what you want and need out of life and your future relationships (whether you stay w/ FI or end up w/ someone else later on).
Ohhhh ccrane, all the best, I know this is a very painful time for you and FI but sounds like you have made the right call for now. That feeling of relief really only comes when you make the right decision! I hope you can get to a better place. Sending hugs (and chocolate and/orcocktails, if that's your style!)
1) I had met my own OM once, and put things on hold with my FI (then BF of 4 years) because I was confused. Things never went anywhere with OM as I realized that what I liked about him was that he saw me the way FI used to. He was shiny and new and uncomplicated. However, after getting to know him, I realized he was... not worth it as he wasn't FI. Now we're just friends who talk infrequently.
2) You don't have to get married. Just because you have a dress and you've put deposits down, doesn't mean you have to get married. If you think it's more than cold feet, don't go through with it. Calling off a wedding is a lot smarter than getting a divorce not long after.
I am sure that everything will work out for the best for you. I hope that getting some space gives you the perspective you need to figure out what is best for you.
AlmostMrs.Hamilton: At the moment. Im not feeling anything for OM. Im just kinda numb I guess. Its been like walls are crashing around me. In some instances I feel relief and other times happy? then sad? then confused?
Thank you for sharing your story. I made my decision without OM in the picture. He was my little reminder that things arent as rosy as what it seems, almost a prompting to evaluate me as a person.
Thanks for letting me PM you if I need it. I probably will at this stage. My two best friends are out of the country at the moment and I probably wont be saying anything till anyone till Monday.
I packed my bags and tonight just checking into a hotel.
MrsJKH2be Thanks for your support.
mountain.bride: thanks chickee. Ill take the cocktails!! :)
I am so sorry ccranetobe.
I know you will get it figured out though. You are doing the right thing by taking some time away by yourself.
noritake22: Thanks! Im trying to figure it out.. hopefully sooner rather than later.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this! I have no advice, but wanted to let you know that I wish you luck and it sounds like you're handling this really well. I know it must be unbelievably hard to deal with so much, and so close to the wedding, but taking a bit of time apart to think everything through is a really good idea. You mentioned your Fiance is having cold feet too--did you already know that? And if not, was it a relief to hear that he had some doubts? If so, then maybe that's another indication that postponing or canceling the wedding is a good idea. I might trust my gut reaction a bit more than I should, but if you're having trouble deciding, maybe your gut reaction to his cold feet news could be another clue to help you decide what you'd like to do.
Anyway--take the time for yourself, eat lots of chocolate and cocktails like Mountainbride said 
, and good luck with whatever you decide!
You are SO doing the right thing! I was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years and engaged to a guy that I had cold feet about. Everything was in motion, dress, families, venue, food choices, honeymoon tix, and I called it off 3 1/2 months ahead of time.
It was the best decision I have ever made, I met my SO just 4 1/2 months later and had that instant friend connection that your are talking about. Perhaps you just need to postpone the wedding, and perhaps you are being given a hugely important sign... but either way you are being SO STRONG!
I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but I am proud of you for recognizing this and having the bravery to face it! That is SO hard with a wedding in the works! If you need to vent because it is such a difficult thing to deal with, feel free to message me, sometimes venting to a stranger can be really cathartic and I would be glad to be a stranger for you!
Thanks girls.
Im at work at the moment, just cant wait to bail. Thank goodness I have tomorrow booked off already. I was supposed to be having my makeup trial this saturday too.
im just on autopilot. 51 minutes to go.
I just read your other post and thought I would comment here on the whole situation. From everything I read, it sounds like you and OM are quickly becoming friends. A whirlwind meeting that may have been more at a different time in your life but you never mentioned being physically attracted to him. I don't think it's a problem to have close male friends who you met after FI.
I agree with the advice to think about what you love about your current relationship. I also want to add there will always be what if men, I know wonder about some of my male friends from time to time but there's a reason it didn't work out (i.e. timing, location, life goals, etc.). I think you have to ask yourself if it is worth it to give up something that is going well for something that could be and if the answer is no then you need to keep OM in friend space. Realistically, I'm sure we could all be happy with more than one partner but you don't get to have more than one husband.
I had an OM once. I was engaged to a man 4 years ago and very much in love. Then I met OM one night at a party and kissed him. WITH THE RING ON MY FINGER. Omg, what was wrong with me?
I broke up with my fiancee, called off the wedding, dated OM for close to 5 years. Ultimately we broke up too, but I have no regrets. I passionately loved him, so much more than my fiancee. We had a chemistry and a connection that I Have never felt with anyone since.
My point is that sometimes an OM can show you that your relationship isnt right, even if the OM isnt the one you ultimately end up with for life.
I read your other post but didn't comment because so many of the bees gave you good advice already.
I just wanted to let you know that we all go thru uncertain times, but the best thing you could do is give yourself time to think things thru. It really doesn't sound like a matter with OM at all. I think there was something else that you just needed time with. Your FI may be thanking you for being brave enough to do this too, since you mentioned that he's also having cold feet.
It just sounds to me that both of you may not have been ready.
Not sure if my story is relevant, but when I was with a certain BF, I also felt like I might be missing out on something better, even though he was a great guy, but what I learned was that there are lots of great guys, but because he wasn't the right one, I kept wondering if there was something better out there. It might have been an age and experience thing too. I have reached an age where I know what's out there and that there isn't ever a perfect one, but there's one that's close enough that you're happy enough to not wonder anymore.
You are doing the right thing! Give yourself time, even if it means losing some deposits. If there was one thing I could do over with my wedding, it would be to not worry about the money and to have given myself more time.
Hang in there. You'll get through it. There's going to be a bit of sadness involved always but if I've learned anything, it's that if you're feeling a big relief, then it's the right decision for now.
Aww sweetie im so sorry you are going through this. I think its great to take some time off.. see if this is exactly what you want. You are such a strong person by doing this and really taking this seriously! Feel free to PM me as well if you need another shoulder.
Thanks girls.
Checked into the hotel room about n hr ago. Got my bottle of bubbles, hooked up the wireless internett and I hope to go to bed early.
I wrote pros n cons list yesterday n today I just kept on revisiting it and revisiting
I think also retail therapy could be good tomorrow. I arranged to meet my mum for lunch so I will tell her then.
Fiance expected me home tonight to cook dinner and basically pretended that everything was back to normal after our discussion. I dont think he quite realises the extent. We spent 4hrs in convo last night and about half of that was in silence with him trying to think and talk. Its really hard for him and I tried not to be impatient.
But im hanging in there. I really want us to sort it out. OM called and asked what was happening. I told him the truth that about the cold feet and that and he was supportive and rational. Im not catching up with him tho. I just think we are friends.
Thanks girls!
well no matter what happens, i'm glad you're at the point where you can admit this, and work through it. whether you go and cancel the wedding, or you sit back, realize your fiance is the love of you life and marry him full force, this already shows that you have a solid head on your shoulders.
all the best. i can't imagine how hard it would be to have all these thoughts swirling around you and not knowing what to do. we're all here for you if you need anything.
I think it is an incredibly brave and mature thing you are doing. Weddings can take on a life of their own and I wonder just how many people go through with them in spite of legitimate concerns ... because they're scared to hurt their SO, or let their family down, or lose all this money, or whatever. I think it is a natural human tendency to try avoid the hurt now, but mostly it seems to lead to more hurt down the road.
((hugs)) and prayers for you as you sort this all out.
You're doing the right thing by addressing this issue and not just pushing it aside. I hope it all works out, whatever way that is.
I just wanted to send you hugs. I know what it's like to be confused. And not sure who or what to based your decisions on for fear of hurting someoone.
OMG CC!! i am so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. my thoughts are with you and i pray that you and your FI will make it through this. together or not, u guys are doing the right thing and will be in a happy place that's meant for the both of you; even if it's not with one another... and stronger if it is.
hang in there!! and good for you for having the balls to face your problems head on!
Hugs and warm thoughts headed your way...you are doing the right thing and sound like you have a plan. I wish you the best!
All I can say is ((hugs)). You are doing what is best for this horrible situation and I think you are handling this with grace and strength!
I'm glad that you're dealing with this! Some time apart may be good for both of you and make you realize what you both truly want. I really hope that it works out for both of you and you find a resolution that will make you happy. Feel free to PM me if you think I can help you in any way!
Hey sweetie. Oh my gosh, what a difficult situation. It's so brave of you to be so honest about this situation, both to yourself and to your FI. That must have been terrifying. I'm glad you're taking a few days to yourself and taking things one day at a time. Do you think seeing a marriage counsellor may help you two? You said FI was having cold feet as well so I'm wondering if some neutral territory and a mediator or sorts might help you two sort things out.
All the other Bees have given such great advice, I don't have a lot else to add. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, and I hope you do what's best for your heart. Big big big ((hugs)) to you sweetie. Take it an hour at a time if you need to. When FI and I were going through a tough time after we first met, a girlfriend of mine looked at me and said "Sometimes all you can do is just breathe. Just remember to breathe." It's so true. Just remember to breathe, the rest will unfold.
xoxo
Hi Charis,
I wanted to write last night, but for some reason I couldn't log on. :( I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and wishing the very best outcome for you, (whatever that may be). What you are doing is important, and I certainly don't think you will be judged by anyone here. It is important to determine what will make you happy in the long run, so take your time. Wishing you well, and yes, remember to breathe. We are all wishing you the best. (((Hugs))) Keep in touch with the hive, or any of us that have expressed that you can PM if you need to, including me. Rhonda
This is so difficult. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
One question I do have though - if you have mutual friends with OM, doesn't OM know you are engaged? It's a bit inappropriate for him to be contacting you so much. New friends don't do this. He sounds very interested in you, but considering you are engaged, has he said anything about that fact to you?
I think deep down only you will know what is right. Do you think that maybe the rush of emotions of a new crush are what this is or if you truly believe that your FI is not the right person? Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You should feel very proud of yourself though that you are recognizing your feelings and are taking steps to help clear your head and figure your situation out. It isn't easy, but no matter what happens, you always have us to support you and help you. Good luck with everything.
I'm not sure where I was 2 days ago when you first posted under your pseudo screenname, but I did read the thread. I think you're doing the right thing by taking a full step back and evaluating whether or not you want to go through with this. It's definitely better to think about all of this now rather than push it aside until after you're married...and then find out that you really didn't want to be with anyone right now.
I don't have any really good advice for you...just very proud of you that you're trying to sort things out for yourself and to come here if you need to vent or hash something out. I wish you the best and keep us updated on how you're doing!
how are you doing today? any new thoughts?
Whatever you do dont forget to eat and take care of yourself as you go through this!
(hug) - what a difficult process, and difficult time, but better no matter what the outcome is, as it will be an outcome that is really best for you. Have you talked to your mom yet? How are you feeling?
Wow thanks ladies!
I just woke up its about 10am here and Im having lunch with my mum in about 2hrs. So hopefully I can work up the courage to tell her then. im not super close with my mum so I see what will happen. Im still kinda in the numb phase... I feel better for the sleep. I feel better for taking time out for me but there are so many issues to address.
Im reading all your responses and they have been really helpful and alot of food for thought.
Bakerella.. Im breathing!
Ccrane, I'm sending some good thoughts your way. I think it is good and responsible and smart that you are taking this time to decide what is best for you. I hope your lunch with your mom goes well and that you get some love and support from your friends and family. Good luck, and hugs!
I'm SO glad to hear you're addressing this issue rather than ignoring it. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I don't have much advice to add beyond what the other girls have already told you, but just know that you're doing the right thing and we're all thinking about you! I hope you figure everything out!
Update:
So i have been very much overwhelmed by the support of this community, I just recieved an email from one of the girls on here asking How I am, so Ill give you an update.
Good news: Wedding is going ahead. Relationship Counselling is a go and proving very benificial. Opened alot of doors for our relationship and given us alot of things to work on and I feel positive about where my FH and I are heading.
I am over the OMG im getting freaking married stage.
My decision and no suprises with who helped me make it and has been a solid and proven friend OM. I may have only known OM for a little of a month, but he has become a true bestie and its not awkward with FH at all. Im not awkward with it. I am appreciating the value of my friends and having someone to chat to. OM has been there when I have been bawling my eyes out having my cold feet. And has steered me to see the positives in FH and what I have and I am extremely grateful that I have this friendship. I thought I would need to put a difinitive boundary. But i havent, we have naturally done it. I told FH that OM has been helping me face the fact of walking down the aisle and he is extremely grateful to OM. In fact we are all heading out for a night out with OM, my two besties. FH and his friend this saturday.
and for those that have asked if OM and I are physically attracted to each other? Yes we are, But we value our new friendship more than the shine of liking each other. We are friends.
I had cold feet a little on tuesday, but I figure thats nerves of any bride when I sent out the invitations. now that I have received a few rsvp backs, Im getting excited.
Thanks soo much for being supportive, providing advice. I OWE the WB community loads for letting it get off my chest and giving me some direction.
THANK YOU!!!
Charis x
So glad to hear you all are doing great! And I cant wait to keep reading post about your wedding! :)
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