(Closed) I need to fess up. Im at breaking point.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Okay, well I don’t know if you are still feeling what you were feeling about OM, but I do have a short story for you.

When I met my now FI I was in a VERY serious relationship of 3 1/2 years. We hit it off and has an instant “friend” connection so intense that it was something I couldn’t ignore. I was not unhappy in my relationship, but I also wasn’t as happy as I possibly could have been. I told then boyfriend (we’ll call him BF) about meeting him and how much we had in common and that I thought that he could be a good friend. BF was okay with this and gave me space (I had just moved 3 hours from him for college), but the more I got to know him through hanging out with mutual friends the more I relaized that this COULD be a once in a lifetime thing. For me, the connection I had was just too strong to ignore, I knew that I would forever regret it if I didn’t see what COULD be. So, I told BF that I wasn’t happy (which I wasn’t) it wasn’t because of him, it was because I had saw how differently someone else could make me feel and how free I felt with the other guy. I did give the relationship with BF one more try tho. I spent an entire weekend with him and did not speak to the other man at all and the fact was that no matter what I did my mind always drifted back to him. So, I broke it off and 2 1/2 years later here I am BLISSFULLY happy and getting married in 2 months to the man I met while I was BF. It’s crazy the way things happen sometimes, but they definitely DO happen.

You definitely are doing the right thing. I promise you that if you are having doubts like this the last thing you want to do is jump into marriage. You WILL know when its right and be very confident in your decision. I thank God everyday that I had enough sense to realize that even though I was happy where I was and even though I did love BF, there was better out there for me.

Just a little food for thought. Your not crazy, although it may seem like it. You don’t get to choose when people walk into your life, but you just gotta go with what your heart tells you when they do.

 

If you need to talk PM me. You’ll get through everything, just stay strong and dont second guess yourself!

Post # 4
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh man – not a fun situation for anyone to be involved – I read your post under the other name yesterday.  I had something similiar happen to me 5 years ago when I was w/ my now ex-bf of 6 years.  I instantly had a connection w/ someone I worked w/ and had to break things off w/ my ex because I felt like he was more of a roommate/friend than a love interest anymore.  It was so hard – I was so afraid of letting my whole family and friends down but I know that I had to make myself happy first – obviously your situation is way more involved due to the whole wedding thing going on, but you are not alone!!  You are definitely doing the right thing!

Good luck w/ everything and make sure that you stay true to what you want and need out of life and your future relationships (whether you stay w/ FI or end up w/ someone else later on).

Post # 5
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Ohhhh ccrane, all the best, I know this is a very painful time for you and FI but sounds like you have made the right call for now. That feeling of relief really only comes when you make the right decision! I hope you can get to a better place. Sending hugs (and chocolate and/orcocktails, if that’s your style!)

Post # 6
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

1) I had met my own OM once, and put things on hold with my FI (then BF of 4 years) because I was confused. Things never went anywhere with OM as I realized that what I liked about him was that he saw me the way FI used to. He was shiny and new and uncomplicated. However, after getting to know him, I realized he was… not worth it as he wasn’t FI. Now we’re just friends who talk infrequently. 

 

2) You don’t have to get married. Just because you have a dress and you’ve put deposits down, doesn’t mean you have to get married. If you think it’s more than cold feet, don’t go through with it. Calling off a wedding is a lot smarter than getting a divorce not long after.

Post # 7
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am sure that everything will work out for the best for you. I hope that getting some space gives you the perspective you need to figure out what is best for you.

Post # 9
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am so sorry ccranetobe.

I know you will get it figured out though. You are doing the right thing by taking some time away by yourself.

Post # 11
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this!  I have no advice, but wanted to let you know that I wish you luck and it sounds like you’re handling this really well.  I know it must be unbelievably hard to deal with so  much, and so close to the wedding, but taking a bit of time apart to think everything through is a really good idea.  You mentioned your Fiance is having cold feet too–did you already know that?  And if not, was it a relief to hear that he had some doubts?  If so, then maybe that’s another indication that postponing or canceling the wedding is a good idea.  I might trust my gut reaction a bit more than I should, but if you’re having trouble deciding, maybe your gut reaction to his cold feet news could be another clue to help you decide what you’d like to do.  

Anyway–take the time for yourself, eat lots of chocolate and cocktails like Mountainbride said Smile, and good luck with whatever you decide!

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

You are SO doing the right thing! I was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years and engaged to a guy that I had cold feet about. Everything was in motion, dress, families, venue, food choices, honeymoon tix, and I called it off 3 1/2 months ahead of time.

It was the best decision I have ever made, I met my SO just 4 1/2 months later and had that instant friend connection that your are talking about. Perhaps you just need to postpone the wedding, and perhaps you are being given a hugely important sign… but either way you are being SO STRONG! 

I know I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I am proud of you for recognizing this and having the bravery to face it! That is SO hard with a wedding in the works! If you need to vent because it is such a difficult thing to deal with, feel free to message me, sometimes venting to a stranger can be really cathartic and I would be glad to be a stranger for you!

Post # 14
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Aww ((hugs)) from here. It must be terrible.

Post # 15
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I just read your other post and thought I would comment here on the whole situation. From everything I read, it sounds like you and OM are quickly becoming friends. A whirlwind meeting that may have been more at a different time in your life but you never mentioned being physically attracted to him. I don’t think it’s a problem to have close male friends who you met after FI.

I agree with the advice to think about what you love about your current relationship. I also want to add there will always be what if men, I know wonder about some of my male friends from time to time but there’s a reason it didn’t work out (i.e. timing, location, life goals, etc.). I think you have to ask yourself if it is worth it to give up something that is going well for something that could be and if the answer is no then you need to keep OM in friend space. Realistically, I’m sure we could all be happy with more than one partner but you don’t get to have more than one husband.

Post # 16
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I had an OM once. I was engaged to a man 4 years ago and very much in love. Then I met OM one night at a party and kissed him. WITH THE RING ON MY FINGER. Omg, what was wrong with me?

I broke up with my fiancee, called off the wedding, dated OM for close to 5 years. Ultimately we broke up too, but I have no regrets. I passionately loved him, so much more than my fiancee. We had a chemistry and a connection that I Have never felt with anyone since.

My point is that sometimes an OM can show you that your relationship isnt right, even if the OM isnt the one you ultimately end up with for life.

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