I need to know the WHY!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Countant819:  Lol, email him this post. = Or just tell him what you wrote here. See what page he’s on and what you can do to get on the same page together. Good luck!!

Post # 4
10899 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Countant819:  I would not even mention the fourth option if you talk with him. I agree that this likely is not the real reason, but he may be quick enough to think of it all on his own if he wants an out; I wouldn’t just hand the option to him, though.

You likely know your guy very well by now.  Based on everything you’ve noted, it’s possible that the “why” can be found in a combination of all of the first three reasons. 

What you need to remember, however, is that he can only control the pace of your life as long as you allow him to do so.  I personally believe (for a variety of reasons, some of them relating to my faith) that a woman should never find herself in this type of a position. 

Post # 5
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Countant819:  Honestly, I simply asked my SO why. And then I asked again. And again. and again. Finally, he gave me answer that I could understand. I don’t always accept it gracefully, but I do understand it. As I told him the other night, “logically, I understand why you are waiting. Emotionally, I don’t, I can’t.” 

Just tell him that would like to discuss why he is waiting. The hardest part is going to be trying to stay calm while you do so. 

FTR: I’m 35, SO is 29, dating almost 3.5 years and he’s had the ring since Feb.

Post # 6
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014



How long have you guys been talking about the future?  I’ve been in your situation before and it is an awful thing to deal with. 🙁


I’ve read on here some ladies have decided that if a proposal doesn’t happen within a certain amount of time they are moving out.  Is that a possibility for you?  I think that may be the fastest solution for problem #1.

Post # 8
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Countant819:  Just have a calm, rational discussion with him about where the relationship is going and when.  

Post # 9
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014



I think all of that is very valid.  Hopefully you can have a civil conversation with him and put a fire under him!

Post # 10
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Countant819:  I was a total b*tch towards the end of my waiting time. I didn’t understand why my future was on pause until HE decided it was time to move forward. It frustrated the hell out of me. During that time, I read an article that completely changed the way I thought about the entire thing – but I can’t find the article to save my life. I did however find one that is very similar….and once I stopped obsessively thinking about getting married and just focused on living, I somehow ended up on a dock, overlooking a lake and mountains (after an entire bottle of wine I polished off on my own I might add) with my fiance on his knee with a beautiful ring in his hand. I had NO IDEA it was coming. I had been so busy living that I missed all the signs – so you might be closer than you think 🙂 Give this article a peak and see if it shifts your paradigm as well



Big hugs to you!

Post # 11
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

i would sit down and tell him what you told us.  Not knowing why you’re waiting is making you crazy. 

I went through the same thing.  The first 7.5 years we were together, I knew WHY we weren’t getting married.  While I still wished I had that ring I knew why we were waiting and I could live with that.  The last year, I was a basket case.  All the reasons were no longer valid and I had no reason as to why except that he was ‘trying to save’ which I knew was complete BS because I handle the money etc etc. 

Tell your SO how much it’s upsetting you and you need to understand why you’re/he’s waiting.

Post # 12
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@Countant819:  I think you have every right to discuss the “why”. We did… it wasnt very comfortable, and FI wasnt actaully sure why, he just kept saying he didnt *feel* ready. Everytime I brought it up he’d ask “why are you with me, whats so great about ‘us’?” I told him all the things I love about our relationship. I’d ask him the same, and he’d say a few things but never really thought hard about it.  Once we got to our 4-year anniversary (my walking date) I brought it up again, very upset, because he knew this was the date I had set. I told him that if he still didnt *feel* ready, how would I know that he would ever be ready, and could trust him make my goals a priority (he doesnt care if we get married, he was happy to remain common-law but it was really important to me). I made him answer his own question. He said things he had NEVER said before, and told me that he didnt realize until that very moment, but he totally took our relationship for granted, and didnt recognize all the great things about ‘us’. He actaully said to me at the end of our coversation “I understand if you have to leave, i dont want you to, if you could just give me a little more time I would really appreaciate it. Please dont leave just yet”. I said I would give him a few more months, but I cant wait forever. 2.5 months later we were engaged! It took me pushing him to really asses what it was about our relationship that he appreciated, and the thought that after 4 years, if he wasnt going to make MY goals an equal priority in his life, I really had to move on.

I think everyone has a right to know where they stand in theire relationship. Try to not be accusatory about it, and it helps to not get emotional (i couldnt never keep my emotions in check during these convos), but definitely bring it up!

Post # 13
23 posts

@Countant819:  i cant give you the answer why but i can tell you im in a very similar boat.

My SO has dropped cryptic clues about why he hasn’t proposed yet and it all revolves around the fact he’s scared he’s guna mess up, the proposal, what ring to buy, where to do it, what to say, i think there’s a lot of pressure on the guy!

He specifically mentions the ring alot, and a fear of getting it wrong, yet he is very traditional and has never asked me what i would want/expect always stating that these thing should be a surprise and down to the man.

He also made a comment about how when he is worried about messing up/making the wrong decision in a situation its easier not to plan/think about it and focus on something else.

These reasons infuriate me lots but i feel i only have myself to blame as for in the rest of our relationship im the one who organizes and decides everything. whether it be where to go on holidays or what car to buy, it all comes down to me and that’s the way i like it.

Could this be the case with you? Are you the main decision maker and organizer? could he be worried about messing up the ring/proposal that it just easier for him to put it to the back of his mind just for now? 

Post # 14
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you’re assuming an awful lot about what your SO thinks without actually talking to him.

I’d just tell him that you thought when you relocated over a year ago that marriage was coming soon, but since it hasn’t happened yet that you’d like to know where he’s at.  See what he says.  Don’t put a bunch of words or ideas into his head…I personally *hate* when someone tells me what I’m thinking or feeling.  Give him the chance to tell you how he feels.  After 3 years together, you deserve an answer, but he also likely has no idea that you’re this upset.  It’s time to start talking to each other.

Post # 15
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@sailor_girl:  +1.


Just ask him. We don’t know why, only he knows why, and you deserve to know why.

Post # 16
161 posts
Blushing bee

Even guys who have no intention of actually getting married talk about it in sort of a “what if” sort of way.  My brother in law is a perfect example.  He’s “that” player guy and every new girl he dates he starts talking about wouldn’t it be great if we had kids, someday if we get married, this or that.


The longer I’m around the more I’ve learned, a man must know that you want to get married and that you’re serious about it.  It’s the only option for you.  You don’t give an ultimatum, you just tell him, you need to be married, it’s part of your value system. You’d like that person to be him and can’t imagine it being anyone else, but it’s important to you to be married and building a life together.  Then, you go about your business.  Get a life.  A major life.  An exciting and happy life.  In ADDITION to the life you have with him, but aside from him, make him no longer your 100% focus, seriously.  HE WILL COME AROUND if he’s going to.

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