Post # 1
I’ve been in a bitter waiting stage the past few weeks. I will go from in being in a great mood and happy with life the way it is, to ready to fight and or cry at the drop of a hat. Little things have really set me off, for example, last night my BF made some comment about how he was going to do the dishes. Normally I would have just said thanks, but somehow it bothered me… I felt by him announcing it instead of just doing it, was like he was waiting for me to tell him not to and that I was going to do them. So I started a fight about how much he expects me to do around the house. Now that I am back to being calm and rational, I realize it was a bit crazy of me to jump to fighting when he said he was going to do the dishes.
This waiting stage is making me crazy, and I think I finally realized why I’m so on edge these days. I don’t know exactly why I am waiting! There are plenty of reasons for some people to wait, to save money, finish school, find a good job, too young, etc. In our case we both have great careers, plenty of savings, are 30 (me) and 33 (him) and we have been together 3 years.
Thinking about it today I realize he is probably waiting for one of the following reasons:
- The whole why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free (I don’t mean sex, I want it way more frequently then he does, but more of I’ve already moved in and I’m doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) We are already living like we are married, so he doesn’t feel the rush to get married now. I think this possible reason is probably why I have been picking fights over housework.
- He isn’t sure yet if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me after 3 years (This option sucks, but I guess it is possible…it is tough not knowing if the man you want to spend the rest of your life with feels the same way)
- Proposing means wedding planning will start and he hates weddings and hates when I’m working on regular party planning.
- He is waiting for the perfect moment (I don’t really believe this is the reason, but I figure this is the explanation he would jump to. I don’t really buy this excuse though, there have been numerous wonderful moments including an awesome vacation. Not to mention he could plan something instead of waiting for plans to fall in his lap.
I think I could accept any of the first 3 reasons, and I think hearing it (even if it isn’t what I want to hear), would help me with waiting. I think a big part of my bitterness is stemming from the not knowing “why”! Do you ladies have any suggestions on how to discuss the “why” with him without coming off like I’m complaining again about not getting a ring? Do I give him these first 3 choices or just ask open ended questions (I’m almost certain he would says something along the lines of choice 4, but I don’t think that is the real reason, I feel like it is an easy excuse)?
I feel like all of this not knowing is tearing us apart, because I fully admit I’ve been acting irrational and picking fights left and right, which I know isn’t going to lead to a proposal.
Post # 3
@Countant819: Lol, email him this post. = Or just tell him what you wrote here. See what page he’s on and what you can do to get on the same page together. Good luck!!
Post # 4
@Countant819: I would not even mention the fourth option if you talk with him. I agree that this likely is not the real reason, but he may be quick enough to think of it all on his own if he wants an out; I wouldn’t just hand the option to him, though.
You likely know your guy very well by now. Based on everything you’ve noted, it’s possible that the “why” can be found in a combination of all of the first three reasons.
What you need to remember, however, is that he can only control the pace of your life as long as you allow him to do so. I personally believe (for a variety of reasons, some of them relating to my faith) that a woman should never find herself in this type of a position.
Post # 5
@Countant819: Honestly, I simply asked my SO why. And then I asked again. And again. and again. Finally, he gave me answer that I could understand. I don’t always accept it gracefully, but I do understand it. As I told him the other night, “logically, I understand why you are waiting. Emotionally, I don’t, I can’t.”
Just tell him that would like to discuss why he is waiting. The hardest part is going to be trying to stay calm while you do so.
FTR: I’m 35, SO is 29, dating almost 3.5 years and he’s had the ring since Feb.
Post # 6
How long have you guys been talking about the future? I’ve been in your situation before and it is an awful thing to deal with. 🙁
I’ve read on here some ladies have decided that if a proposal doesn’t happen within a certain amount of time they are moving out. Is that a possibility for you? I think that may be the fastest solution for problem #1.
Post # 7
@sugar_biscuit: We’ve been talking about the future and wanting to get married and have a child since about 6 months into our relationship (2.5 years ago).
It technically is an option (as in I could afford to and the house we bought is in his name only)… I didn’t mention it in my original post, but I have a 8 year old daughter who lives with us. His company relocated him to where we live now a little over a year ago, I was able to relocate with my own company and move here as well. At the time I thought a proposal was coming any day now and thought it would be stupid to buy another house knowing one of us would have to sell very quickly (or rent and be wasting money and risk having to change school districts as soon as we got married/engaged). I now feel like maybe that would have been the better option, but at the same time everything else has been wonderful since we all moved together.
If I choose a walk date and move out, there wouldn’t be any coming back. For my daughters sake, I would never move out to teach him a lesson and get him to propose. She doesn’t need that kind of instability in her life. He has been an amazing father figure to her, and it would be very hard on her to move out. I’m not about to put her through that only to move back if and when he proposes, and then let her live in fear that we could potentially move out again at any time.
Post # 8
@Countant819: Just have a calm, rational discussion with him about where the relationship is going and when.
Post # 9
I think all of that is very valid. Hopefully you can have a civil conversation with him and put a fire under him!
Post # 10
@Countant819: I was a total b*tch towards the end of my waiting time. I didn’t understand why my future was on pause until HE decided it was time to move forward. It frustrated the hell out of me. During that time, I read an article that completely changed the way I thought about the entire thing – but I can’t find the article to save my life. I did however find one that is very similar….and once I stopped obsessively thinking about getting married and just focused on living, I somehow ended up on a dock, overlooking a lake and mountains (after an entire bottle of wine I polished off on my own I might add) with my fiance on his knee with a beautiful ring in his hand. I had NO IDEA it was coming. I had been so busy living that I missed all the signs – so you might be closer than you think 🙂 Give this article a peak and see if it shifts your paradigm as well
Big hugs to you!
Post # 11
i would sit down and tell him what you told us. Not knowing why you’re waiting is making you crazy.
I went through the same thing. The first 7.5 years we were together, I knew WHY we weren’t getting married. While I still wished I had that ring I knew why we were waiting and I could live with that. The last year, I was a basket case. All the reasons were no longer valid and I had no reason as to why except that he was ‘trying to save’ which I knew was complete BS because I handle the money etc etc.
Tell your SO how much it’s upsetting you and you need to understand why you’re/he’s waiting.
Post # 12
@Countant819: I think you have every right to discuss the “why”. We did… it wasnt very comfortable, and FI wasnt actaully sure why, he just kept saying he didnt *feel* ready. Everytime I brought it up he’d ask “why are you with me, whats so great about ‘us’?” I told him all the things I love about our relationship. I’d ask him the same, and he’d say a few things but never really thought hard about it. Once we got to our 4-year anniversary (my walking date) I brought it up again, very upset, because he knew this was the date I had set. I told him that if he still didnt *feel* ready, how would I know that he would ever be ready, and could trust him make my goals a priority (he doesnt care if we get married, he was happy to remain common-law but it was really important to me). I made him answer his own question. He said things he had NEVER said before, and told me that he didnt realize until that very moment, but he totally took our relationship for granted, and didnt recognize all the great things about ‘us’. He actaully said to me at the end of our coversation “I understand if you have to leave, i dont want you to, if you could just give me a little more time I would really appreaciate it. Please dont leave just yet”. I said I would give him a few more months, but I cant wait forever. 2.5 months later we were engaged! It took me pushing him to really asses what it was about our relationship that he appreciated, and the thought that after 4 years, if he wasnt going to make MY goals an equal priority in his life, I really had to move on.
I think everyone has a right to know where they stand in theire relationship. Try to not be accusatory about it, and it helps to not get emotional (i couldnt never keep my emotions in check during these convos), but definitely bring it up!
Post # 13
@Countant819: i cant give you the answer why but i can tell you im in a very similar boat.
My SO has dropped cryptic clues about why he hasn’t proposed yet and it all revolves around the fact he’s scared he’s guna mess up, the proposal, what ring to buy, where to do it, what to say, i think there’s a lot of pressure on the guy!
He specifically mentions the ring alot, and a fear of getting it wrong, yet he is very traditional and has never asked me what i would want/expect always stating that these thing should be a surprise and down to the man.
He also made a comment about how when he is worried about messing up/making the wrong decision in a situation its easier not to plan/think about it and focus on something else.
These reasons infuriate me lots but i feel i only have myself to blame as for in the rest of our relationship im the one who organizes and decides everything. whether it be where to go on holidays or what car to buy, it all comes down to me and that’s the way i like it.
Could this be the case with you? Are you the main decision maker and organizer? could he be worried about messing up the ring/proposal that it just easier for him to put it to the back of his mind just for now?
Post # 14
I think you’re assuming an awful lot about what your SO thinks without actually talking to him.
I’d just tell him that you thought when you relocated over a year ago that marriage was coming soon, but since it hasn’t happened yet that you’d like to know where he’s at. See what he says. Don’t put a bunch of words or ideas into his head…I personally *hate* when someone tells me what I’m thinking or feeling. Give him the chance to tell you how he feels. After 3 years together, you deserve an answer, but he also likely has no idea that you’re this upset. It’s time to start talking to each other.
Post # 15
Just ask him. We don’t know why, only he knows why, and you deserve to know why.
Post # 16
Even guys who have no intention of actually getting married talk about it in sort of a “what if” sort of way. My brother in law is a perfect example. He’s “that” player guy and every new girl he dates he starts talking about wouldn’t it be great if we had kids, someday if we get married, this or that.
The longer I’m around the more I’ve learned, a man must know that you want to get married and that you’re serious about it. It’s the only option for you. You don’t give an ultimatum, you just tell him, you need to be married, it’s part of your value system. You’d like that person to be him and can’t imagine it being anyone else, but it’s important to you to be married and building a life together. Then, you go about your business. Get a life. A major life. An exciting and happy life. In ADDITION to the life you have with him, but aside from him, make him no longer your 100% focus, seriously. HE WILL COME AROUND if he’s going to.